Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’ve been in a relationship for 6 years, but my father has threatened to kill me if I choose my own husband.


violent father

I would like to begin this query by asking Almighty Allah to forgive me for all that I have done. In some way I know I may not have done the right thing but I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. I live in a family where, for me it has been a nightmare. I know Islam tells you to respect your parents but what my family has done with me I cannot respect my parents.

I am in my twenties and have been suffering physical abuse since the age of 5, my mother suffered since the day she got married to my dad and they have been married for 24 years now. I have no idea why she didnt just leave but she had her reasons.

We have shifted to another country and I met this boy. I was a complete good-two shoes, I had never gone against my parents wishes and we used to get hit usually due to relatives and anything minor that didnt please my father. I have come to terms with situation and started to ignore that I would get hit everyday and get scolded for no apparent reason and my mother would not say anything. My mother has become numb to any emotion, she hasnt seen her family since the day she got married because my father refused to let her meet them so basically we have no family, no contact with relatives or anything.

Since we had shifted, I met this boy and rest assured that both of us were not looking for any relationship to come out of this, but it has. He has supported me since the day I met him, and his family wishes for him to marry me so that a relationship of 6 years can have a legitimate name. The problem is my family. My dad will never let me marry him, he will kill me if I ever suggest that I have someone in mind and my mother will never protest.

Islamically I have a right to choose my spouse, I would like your help what should we do now? We really want to get married and properly, his family knows everything about us but the problem is my mother and father, they wont accept. What should I do? I have received threats from my father that if I do suggest anyone for marriage by my choice he will kill me, and I am scared because I have been stabbed before.

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8 Responses »

  1. dear siis after reading ur story it cam 2 my mind wat i went through wen i was in my family house now im a married women with a bby gril ,

    my father was excecttly lyk urz never wanted 2 marry my husband just coz he iz from adffrent contry but there iz noo were in da islam sayz dat u cant marry ur own chooes infect tell me this isnt ur father chose ur mum n luv her got married 2 her DONT GIV UP SIIS IF HE IZ A GOOD HUSBAND JUST LYK IDID N DONT WORRY NOO 1 WILL KILL U DO ANYTHING 2 U COZ DATZ ALL A LI THEY WANT 2 SCARE U I KNW UR PARENT HAV A WRIGHT FROM U ,U ALLWAYZ HAV DA WRIGHT 4 THEM MAY ALAH HELP U PRY SALAT ALL ISTAKARA IN IF HE IZ DA 1 NOO 1 WILL STOP U EXCEPTE ALLAH

  2. salam sis
    i read ur story its very sad to hear that u were physically abused frm the age of 5 coz ur not a beast to b hit by ur father like that
    u want to get married to the person u love u can ask the family members of the guy and ask for proposal
    and let ur father not knw that it was ur choice
    May Allah help you And i will pray that all ur difficulties might get solved

  3. Assalamu Aleikum Sis,

    Look, normally in Islam, you need your dad's permission, working on the assumption he's a respectful

    and religious person. I don't know what the Shari'ah ruling for abusive fathers is, maybe the editors

    on this site can give you some link. I can only write my personal opinion: This man can never be

    your guardian or your wali, he doesn't want your best in life. He is abusing you and this doesn't make

    him the friend he should be, rather your enemy. If this boy is from a good family and his parents like

    you, why not? Although pre-marital relationships are not allowed in Islam, we shouldn't be kidding ourselves.

    So many Muslims nowadays are linked on facebook and have non-mahram women on their account

    with "hot" images without hijab, why should we be so judgmental and scream at everybody: but it is

    forbidden to talk to a non-mahram, or have a relationship outside of wedlock. Of course it is. But it

    happens, and we should deal with it in a responsible way. Before anybody tells you to do tawbah, tell

    them they should first do tawbah for their own sins. Nobody's perfect.

    You love this guy and his family has been informed. That's wonderful. The fact that the family knows you

    shows that it's not just a game, but very serious. You have to get out of that abusive situation, with

    or without the help of your fiancée. This is not bearable any longer, no father has the right to abuse his

    child. Maybe someone from you husband's family could be your wali, that would be a lot easier.

    I wish you good luck and may Allah grant you happiness if you love that boy

    Fi Aman Allah

  4. Record his conversations secretly on the phone, if he threatens again you go to the police and have him arrested, living this life is hard enough nobody needs this garbage coming from their own families. Get independent and live your own life.

  5. It breaks my heart to read your story. i went through a similiar situation i was in a relationship for 4 years, we tried gettin married and my father refused,my father was also very strict but not in islam, he was just very strict in general.. he would beat me n my siblings and my mom for no apparent reason.. when he found out that i wanted to marry the guy.. he did a kasam that if i marry him , he would divorce my mom on the spot. i was forced into an arranged marriage the nex week. I look back i cant say im not happy in my life now (even though i have many hardships) but not a single day goes by without me thinking about him and how much i regret not fighting just a little bit more. the sad and ironic thing now is my dad sees his choice was wrong and always says i should have given you away to the guy i wanted. He was a good muslim even from the same country , just a different town then mine, and my dad couldnt bare having his daughter chose her own spouse. i fought for a full year to try and get married , considered everything but in the end my dad knew the only way i would stop fighting was to use my mom.In order to save my mom was to lose the one person that i knew would always make me happy. I will keep u in my prayers that ur hardships may be eased and somehow Allah will show your dad how happy you will be when u finally have a nikkah to the guy u want. I always wished i fought a little more but sometimes things are not in our hands no matter how much we want them to be. Keep your faith in Allah always! take care

    • Its awful that you had to give ur the guy u loved! And totally not from Islam! It makes me so sad to hear stories like these. I pray that Allah swt rewards u for your patience and staying away from zina. An i pray that you find happiness dear sis.

  6. Dear sister,
    My idea is not to loose any of your father, mother and your future man, think it out gentlly without causing problems to any of your family and ur self be wise and aware of you riligion issues,
    Pray to Allah with Habuna Allah wa niama alwakeel as much as you can,
    You shoul know wheather the family of you friend is a good familiy or not if a good family you can discuss the issue with them and they can go to ur father and ask officailly/frankly your hand from your father at the end he is ur father,
    They should not tell ur father that you aware or in the picture, if he asks you tell him that you really want to mary with any good man but the upon agreement of ur father. you should all agree.

  7. If your father stabbed you, why isn't he in jail? He is not allowed to threaten you like that! He can go to jail for his actions. And who on earth is he to tell you who you can and cannot marry? You're an adult, you make your own decisions, and your father will learn to live with it and like it. .

    Don't let your parents run your life forever, regardless of your religion. God loves everyone and he will not fault you for following your heart!

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