Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Relationship Before Marriage

age difference

Salam,

I am a 18 year old girl who some how found herself in a relationship with a 42 year old man. I was NEVER looking for a relationship, my plan was simple and clear: Finish high school, go to University, get a job THEN marry. However unfortunately not everything we want goes as planned. I was a lustful girl, looking for attention I only wanted to feel what it was to be loved by someone and so I pursued in this haram relationship. It was strictly online, we have never seen each other, spoken in real life or even know each other in real life.

Please do not get the idea that he is a "pervert" because he is not. I was the one who lied about my age to begin with, and so the days went on. I thought that it would be a meaningless relationship, nothing to ever grow into more- I mean how could it? He was thousands and thousands of miles away. But soon enough I found myself deeply in love with him, and him with me. It was crazy, something I have never felt before in my entire life. Of course it was not a relationship based off physical/sexual appearance or desire, we loved each other solely for who we were.

We ended the relationship after I told him my real age. It hurts me everyday not being able to talk to him, and he hurts too. He made me smile, made me so happy but it came all to an end. I know I sound like a foolish child in her first relationship thinking she is in love. But it is much different than that. Before this, around the age of 13 or 14 my friends and I made online accounts, talked to boys and had "boyfriends" obviously something that meant absolutely nothing, ended within in hour but it still shows you that, that was not love. What I had with this man is love. He would always say things like "Man, the connection we have is surreal" and I agree. I never wanted to let this go, I was 100% convinced he was my other half, that we were a "pair" that Allah promises.

My question is...

What do I do? I think about him everyday, how things could be different. I want to have this relationship but in a halal way and there is absolutely no way my parents will let me marry at the age of 18, especially to a man who is 24 years older than me. I would never go against my faith and meet up with this man and continue it in real life. I am in a weak position, but my mindset on Islam has not changed and I will never do anything else to go against it. How do I convince anyone that what I feel with him is real love? He isn't a Muslim, which makes the situation a million times more difficult in terms of future marriage.

P.S - Sorry for making it so long!

Jazakhallah Khairan

Muslimah414

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9 Responses »

  1. Are u in Pakistan and this man in Sheffield or leeds in the uk by any chance?

    • What does that honestly have to do with her question? She needs advice so pls refrain from asking her questions about something completely irrvenlent from her question/problem

  2. Salam. This is intense. Um what age did you lie about exactly? And couldn't he tell by your pics or voice you were actually way younger? If I was in your position, I would try to talk to him in a calmly manner. Don't beg for him back because that will only make you look desperate and weak and naive. I would send him an email or text telling him how bad I feel about everything and how you're currently feeling. I myself was in a LDR and I totally get how much you loved this man. That's all you have when you're in a LDR, an emotional/mental bond with that person. Maybe he truly needs time to heal and space to think about everyrhing

  3. Leave him sister!! Like u know it urself there are a few major reasons for not marring him then why make ur life hard and cantinu thinking worring about him. I knw u think its a "love" not lust. Even if its love desnt mean it will bring u both together. Hes an old man. More like ur father. I doubt hes a married person with kids!! Then why u stressing for no reason. Fucs on ur studies ur too young for marrieg and stuff. Inshaallah U will find someone closer to ur age and how u want him to be.

    Fucas on ur imaan. Pray read quran etc.. Make dua for ur future husband. I know its not easy It will be difficult for u to forget him and get used to living withou him. But eventully u will forget him inshaallah. Just leave him alone. dont try to cantinu this reletionship with him fathar caz it would be complitly pointless and u will end up having more pain and difficult life. So plz dear move on and forget him. Learn from this and dont talk or chat with strangers and be safe.

  4. You said it yourself- "I would never go against my faith and meet up with this man and continue it in real life" this internet relationship is not real, it doesn't exist in real life. The guy isn't even a Muslim, which is an even greater barrier to marrying him than his age, as a muslim woman you cannot marry a non muslim. Your only real choice is to forget about him and move on. Focus on your deen, your family and your studies and in time you will meet your real "pair" where In sha Allah everything will be easy, not so challenging like it is now.

  5. U need to first convince yourself that all of this is Haram and whether the connection is surreal or practical does not make a difference. Am sorry to sound rude but you are wasting your time, thoughts and energy. You have become intellectually engrossed with him. Cut all contact, get out and meet real people, do lot of astaghfar. In time you will meet that somebody who will match you, both intellectually and emotionally. And this also teaches you why fooling on the net is not a good past time.

  6. Salaam Sister,

    My advise would be to move on with your life and forget about him. It may seem very difficult right now since you know that he is your real true love.

    But you will forget him as time goes by.

    You will have to cut all contact with him if you want to move on in life.

    And after you have cut contact then you can proceed with your life plan as you had planned. College - job - marriage.

    What you are experiencing is a trick of the shaitaan. There are so many haram involved in what you are doing but shaitaan is beautifying the haram for you.

    May Allah stop you from doing Zina.

  7. He is not a Muslim, so you have to forget about him anyway. You can't marry a non Muslim guy. Other than that, he is way older than you. And you actually don't really know him, even tho you think you do but trust me you don't know a person until you lived with him. You are only 18 years old, in 2-3 years you will change a lot. You will see everything different.
    Just because you had a "online" relationship doesn't make it halal. Everything you say in real life or write online will be recorded, so.... you need to stop talking to men online, it looks like you have too much time in your hands.

  8. Sister this is some kind of infatuation..... You love to get attention and this oldddddd man give you that so you are liking him. This is the initial stage of your relationship and in the beginning it looks very beautiful. As time goes that old man will stop pampering you and you will start hating him.

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