Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Boyfriend threatens to expose our relationship to my parents; ruin my life and career.

Secret relationships are a bad idea

Not that I'm in the habit of taking advice from church billboards, but in this case they have a point. Secret relationships are always a mistake.

Assalam u alaikum.

I know my question is pretty related to one existing post, but there is still some differences to it. I am sorry if I am bugging, but I have no one to confide to. I come from quite a strict Islamic family; i still go out until late night. I do go out with guy friends, but usually in a group of at least 3 people; him, myself and a girlfriend. My parents never allow me to stay overnight at any other place; travel overseas with friends; or go out dating. Neither I club nor drink. My boyfriend comes from not-so-strict family, but they do still observe certain islamic values. A bit loose, but still acceptable to me.

I first got to know him about 10 months ago. He seemed nice yet a simple, normal guy. Within one month of knowing each other, we got together as courting couple.We dated for about 5 months; before we informed both our families about our relationship; we did some things that are clearly wrong. Frankly! I've never done them before, it was my first time. It was him who wanted, and I was reluctant at the start, but followed him. Yes! what we did was wrong, but we have our own limit. But definitely, it's a big No-No for my family.When we brought up our relationship to our family; everything went well and perfect. To my surprise; my parents allowed me to go out with him. In fact, between me and him, we had already started to talk about settling down next year.

As and when, we would fight; for the first few times it was quite normal. But after awhile, it kind of got worst. He likes to threaten me, saying that he will meet my parents and blurt out everything about what we have done. He knows that by doing so; he will hurt my parents deeply; he himself knows that my parents are aged. In addition, sometimes he also said that he will ruin my career and will create havoc at my workplace. But when things are back to normal; he would say that's the only way to get my attention. Afterwards, whenever we quarrelled again, and I chose to ignore his sms and calls, he will threaten me again.

Usually the cause of our quarrels was me, as what he claimed. He said that I didn't keep to my promise. For e.g. I didn't go back from work on time. FYI, i worked shift hours in the enforcement line. Frankly, i can go back after i fulfil the minimum hours to work per day, but it affect my work performance. I used to work long hours and contributed a lot to my team. But because of him, I rushed through my work to go back earlier. Sometimes, to meet up with him. During quarrels, he made me promise to go back on time and I had no choice but to do so. Still, it's really hard to keep my promise because my work is my rensponsibility, and I dont like to push it to others. No matter what I said, he stick to his decision. He's also the kind of person who likes to set punishment on me everytime I did something not up to his liking. The more he did that, the more controlled i get, felt like a bird trapped in a cage. I felt really suffocated.

The latest quarrel we had was the worst ever. I was so frustrated because he puts all the blame on me, saying that I didn't keep my promise about work, and some other work issues. So, I ignored his messages and calls. As usual, he started to threaten me, and I ignored him. On that day, he came over to my workplace and waited for me outside the building. He took my phone and told me to pack my bag and go off with him. It was during my working hours. I then hide in my office. He came up and waited just outside my office. My colleagues were around. I was so scared of him, he threatened me that he will make a havoc in my office. Not even once in my life; I was so scared of a person. So i followed him. For the first time ever, he grabbed my arm and pulled me to walk faster.

Then, when we had another small quarrel again, he threatened me again with the same thing. If I am indeed wrong; does he have the right to threaten me that way? Why would he want to do things that would hurt my parents? Why not just me? What wrong did my parents do? He was telling me that if I have no respect for him, he don't have respect for me, and not for my parents too. His plan is to blurt out everything to my parents and just leave. I don't know if he is just faking it to scare me, but I got really scared. If he wants revenge, why cant he just avenge me alone? Why should he involve my parents? He knows that they are old, and quite sickly.

I can't stand being with him anymore. Deep in my heart, I am suffering, yet I can't share with anybody. I want to get away from him, but his threat is chaining me to him. I feel like, all these are happening because I didn't take care of myself well; I caused shame to my parents I did what they forbid us to do. So, I deserve this. But still; I really can't endure any longer. I am working, to support myself and parents, and study, as I am going to start part time study soon. I can't no longer be bothered about my feelings for him. All these things are eating me up. Even my colleague was commenting that my work performance is dropping, and I always look sad in the office. I wasn't as happy as I was before.

The thought of committing suicide crossed my mind a few times. For my parents to weep over my death is better than seeing them getting hurt, crying, getting heart attack, from knowing what I had ever done. The only thing that stopped me from doing it is the sin, and the inability to repent. The second thing that I ever thought of is to pretend to want to commit suicide, then I'll be arrested and sent to jail for this offence. By doing so, I won't see him anymore. But then, I would have totally spoil my future. I am too desperate that I don't know what can i do.

Please help me.  Please. I really appreciate your help. Syukran..


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5 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Sister Siti,

    In your post, I hardly find mention of Allah. Right and wrong seems to be coming more from personal and parental perspectives rather than Islamic view point.

    Sister, fear Allah, life is a test. You have to pass this test sister. The guy is in obedience to the Shaytaan, his behavior would be unacceptable to a good Muslima and she would not even keep an option for marriage with such a person, forget about being his girl friend (which is not Islamic at all).

    For what you did, you may repent to Allah and let Him conceal your sins. Keep quite.

    If the guy threatens you, take appropriate steps of protection of yourself and then tell him you are not afraid, you trust Allah and He will protect you. Tell this to him on his face the next time he approaches you.

    Best is to cut off contact with this man who is not mahram to you.

    Read the Qur'an with meanings and cheer up Insha Allah and be happy like before. There is no need to remain sad due to foolishness of this fool.

    You were tempted by Shaytaan, you obeyed him and disobeyed Allah and sins came up, take lesson from this and guard yourself from the Punishment of Allah, Insha Allah.

    I remember some verses of the Qur'an when situations come like " O I had a girl friend/ I had a boyfriend, we are going to get married, everything was going great, suddenly such and such thing happened" and we don't try to understand that it happened as a result of the evil consequences of our own actions.

    Surah Al An'am:

    43. If only, when our disaster came on them, they had been humble! But their hearts were hardened and the devil made all that they used to do seem fair unto them!
    44. Then, when they forgot that whereof they had been reminded, We opened unto them the gates of all things till, even as they were rejoicing in that which they were given, We seized them unawares, and lo! they were dumbfounded.
    45. So of the people who did wrong the last remnant was cut off. Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds!
    46. Say: Have ye imagined, if Allah should take away your hearing and your sight and seal your hearts, who is the God who could restore it to you save Allah? See how We display the revelations unto them? Yet still they turn away.
    47. Say: Can ye see yourselves, if the punishment of Allah come upon you unawares or openly? Would any perish save wrongdoing folk?
    48. We send not the messengers save as bearers of good news and warners. Whoso believeth and doeth right, there shall no fear come upon them neither shall they grieve.
    49. But as for those who deny Our revelations, torment will afflict them for that they used to disobey.

    Allah warns us of losing Jannah in clear speech:

    26. O Children of Adam! We have revealed unto you raiment to conceal your shame, and splendid vesture, but the raiment of restraint from evil, that is best. This is of the revelations of Allah, that they may remember.
    27. O Children of Adam! Let not Satan seduce you as he caused your (first) parents to go forth from the Garden and tore off from them their robe (of innocence) that be might manifest their shame to them. Lo! he seeth you, he and his tribe, from whence ye see him not. Lo! We have made the devils protecting friends for those who believe not.
    - Surah Al A'raaf.

    Sister, do not despair of Allah's mercy. Always keep hope in Him. Invoke Him for help sister. Read His Word, the Qur'an, you really need to turn to the revelations of Allah and seek Allah's protection.

    You may like to read my posts here for repentance :

    You need to repent sincerely with the intention of never turning back to the same sins again. May Allah help you do so and forgive your sins, Insha Allah and bring you in His mercy.

    Only cowards do suicide and end up in Hell, because they could not live upon the terms of Islam and died in a state of submission to desires rather then submission to Allah.

    Muslims have to face life, remember Allah, in adversity and ease. Each of us in passing through a test, whether some be more happy than others, each one is going through a test and Allah is ever testing.

    May Allah help you pass the test sister.

    Take good care of yourself, I mean it, you should do that and also pray salaat and enjoy time with family. Whenever you are reminded of the past, try to think Allah and His revelations, Insha Allah, you will not go back to the same again.

    May Allah ease your way and make your life easy. Be humble sister and turn to Allah in repentance.

    Your brother.

  2. Salaam my sister,

    I am sorry that you are being bullied and manipulated in this way.

    I can't say for sure whether this boy is of bad character, or if it is youth and inexperience that is causing these things to happen. What I can so is advise you as an older, experienced woman to her younger sister.

    The boy has discovered that these threats hold power over you, and he is now exercises that power to his benefit. What drives him to do this is a seperate issue and I will not deal with it here. The way to free yourself from this power, is to stop fearing it.

    I know that may sound impossible at this time, but belive me: it's possible. You must stop giving in immediately, otherwise his sense of power will grow and the way he uses it will increase. It is already affecting your work, and soon it will affect your friendships, then your self esteem and then everything else

    When he says I will tell your parent etc etc - simply say "if that's what you want to do - so be it". And mean it.

    Your parents will not abandon you under attack, and they wil not take the angry ramblings of a youngam seriously. He has just as much to lose from these revelations as anyone else, and besides - he has no intention of going through with this threat.

    I urge you to stand up to him early on, as by doing so you will force him to only say the things that he means, and you will push him to think before he speaks and teach him that empty threats cannot be used as a control tool over you.

    As a general rule: try to recognise manipulation when it is occurring, and then remove the power it has over you by accepting consequences and saying "so be it". People can only control us when we, ourselves, are trying to control an outcome. In this case you are trying to control the level of information that goes to your parents. For others, they try to control a secret, a truth or outcome. This attempt at control, is then used as a weapon against you and imprisons you into a way of being.

    The solution is to stop trying to control outcomes and start being 100% accepting of the truth and it's consequences, and realising that nothing we try to control can really be controlled without tremendous effort ms sacrifice. This effort and sacrifice is not necessary, it is a waste of energy to fear consequence because those consequences are expiation for us. Accept the truth, accept the freedom of truth and accept the consequences - and you will find yourself in a state of liberation.

    When someone threatens you with a worldly consequence - say, "elhadumdulilah, so be it" and transfer the power from the human who threatens you to Allah who created you, and you will see, hear and feel a liberation, because no matter what happens - you are no ones slave, and no slave to the outcomes you desire.


    Editor, Islamic Answers

  3. I understand that this is something huge for you because you are just thinking what will be my parent’s reaction and how will I live and what will they think of me now since they have huge Islamic values. You’re really stressed and this can all happen depending on what he does but why do you feel bad if your parents find out, you should be more scared that Allah(swt) already knows what you have done and is always watching. I ‘am going to be straight up, I say talk to him and be serious with him and tell him if you are a Muslim you will not expose others, our prophet(saw) even told us not to because if we expose and point out faults of others then Allah(swt) will expose us on the day of judgement. If after all your talking and being serious with him doesn’t work and you still feel like he’s threatening to expose you and you are 100% sure he is, the only other option I could think of is using reverse physiology with him, by telling him I don’t care anymore go ahead and tell. Try not to give him attention because once he gets that he will use it to his advantage. He might lose interest in exposing you once you don’t give him that much attention. I ‘am not saying go with a lie but if he has no proof you did it then he can’t really go far by exposing you and btw here’s something you should look at before thinking of suicide.
    If anyone ever commits suicide, this is what happens

    29. O ye who believe! Eat not up your property among yourselves in vanities: But let there be amongst you Traffic and trade by mutual good-will: Nor kill (or destroy) yourselves: for verily Allah hath been to you Most Merciful!

    30. If any do that in rancour and injustice,- soon shall We cast them into the Fire: And easy it is for Allah. (Surah 4 verses 29-30)

    Narrated Thabit bin Ad-Dahhak:"And if somebody commits suicide with
    anything in this world, he will be tortured with that very thing on
    the Day of Resurrection. (Bukhari Volume 8, Book 73, Number 73)

    ." Narrated Jundab the Prophet said, "A man was inflicted with wounds and he committed suicide, and so Allah said: My slave has caused death on himself hurriedly, so I forbid Paradise for him."
    Hadith - Bukhari 7:576, Narrated Qais bin Abi Hazim, see also Bukhari 8:361, 438

  4. I know how you feel , iam going through a slightly difffent situation though I knew this guy from the school I used to go to , he talked to me out of the blue after two years about telling my parents stuff my dad is sooooo strictly religious and he doesent know I have facebook or any kind of social networking and he doesent know that I take off the scarf either he wants me to wear it by force so I jusf wear it infront of him , he told me that if he didnt see me that somebody will go talk to my parents but I will never go see him because if I do he will realize that iam afraid and that he could take power and may rape me or force me to do bad things with him I really want revenge I really hate him I mean how could he do such a thing to me I hate myself and I hate this cruel world iam never talking to guys again .

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