Islamic marriage advice and family advice

After a relationship of 5 years, I am scared he doesn´t marry me.

Narrow minded view

002.164 YUSUFALI: Behold! in the creation of the heavens and the earth; in the alternation of the night and the day; in the sailing of the ships through the ocean for the profit of mankind; in the rain which Allah Sends down from the skies, and the life which He gives therewith to an earth that is dead; in the beasts of all kinds that He scatters through the earth; in the change of the winds, and the clouds which they Trail like their slaves between the sky and the earth;- (Here) indeed are Signs for a people that are wise. "

I've suffered sexual abuse as a child, had a violent alchoholic brother, my father left and my mother has basicly raised and supported me and my brothers and sister on her own as well as my grandparents (fathers mum and dad) and papa (mothers dad) dying in the last years and well theres way to many things to list. Now finally I've met and have been in a relationship for the last 5 years with a muslim man who treats me so well, so even though I do suffer from depression and extreme anxiety and have no money, I am happy.

The problem is he hasn't told his parents about us the whole time and has even directly lied to his mother and said he doesn't have feelings for me. I am completely in love and still want to marry him but he is to scared to tell his family and wants to wait till he finishes his studies. His family comes from a strict muslim background and I think they might come from a rich family. This sounds wierd to say but I actually wish he didn't as I come from a reasonably poor family and from the impression I get from him, his family are going to think i want to marry him for his money and that I am a bad person because I am a westerner and not muslim.

I just don´t know what to do as I love him and although he says he intends to marry me when he finishes his studies and tell his parents I´m scared he will just end up leaving because it will be to hard to deal with?

We do discuss this a lot and he has told me the reasons why he hasn't told his parents yet (culture difference) but I was wondering if maybe I could get a perspective from another muslim if they think this relationship would ever be possible.

I have been exposed to the culture a little bit but I believe until you live something you never truly understand it fully and I have never lived in a muslim country.

Sorry this is long, I guess I don´t really know the exact question I am asking as I have so many but any comments and guidence that isn't judgemental in nature will be welcome.


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3 Responses »

  1. Peace be unto you Freckle,

    Deen itself means judgment and on, there may come people's judgement based on their knowledge.

    It is up to you that you pay heed to their words or outrightly reject them or respond to them in a manner you like.

    Different countries have different cultures. Islam is a religion. There are religious duties to be done as a Muslim. The Qur'an would make you aware of it, Insha Allah if you read it.

    In Islam a Muslim man can marry a "virtuous" woman from Jews or Christians who believe in God.

    In different cultures people feel shame to make even a Muslim as their son or daughter in law if they are from a different country or different region. It is a matter of shame to them that the color is different, or language is different.

    In the religion of Islam, men and women, black and white, all are equal before God in terms of rewards and punishments. We all belong to Him and whersoever we may be He gave us life and will give us death and will raise us up again.

    You may sort this out quickly with him, do not put any more "feelings" in to this relationship. In Islam dating a woman is not permissible. So if he is a good Muslim, he should know it and if he knows it and does it, may Allah guide him.

    Discuss the matter again, tell him you read on internet many cases where couples were not allowed to marry due to cultural factors. So ask him to consult his parents.

    He may marry without their consent, but should not hurt them or give them unnecessary pain.

    Tell him, by which date you think you can marry me?

    If he says xx-xx-xx, then if you like to wait, agree to it. If he does not give a date and make excuses, I doubt you would later regret wasting your time.

    Also, a judgment here, but it is better for a good Muslim man and a virtuous woman whether Muslim or not to keep herself aloof from lone company of a man, to protect herself from giving in to desires and to avoid a situation where someone else would be tempted by desires.

    I hope this helps.


  2. As salamu alaykum, freckle,

    You need first of all to take care of yourself, you should look for counselling related to the sexual abused you suffered as a child, I am afraid your past has made a deep wound on you that you carry with you in form of depression and anxiety, this can be healed and should be healed, and I tell you why you are my priority, not your relationship with this young man.

    When we are under the influence of strong traumatic situations we have the tendency to repeat wrong patterns that will guide us to self destruction. You are deeply in love with this guy and he mantains you as a secret, he even dennies your presence in his life, he is using you, at the end, he will marry someone that he maybe already arranged to marry and you will have given him 10 years of your life, for his own selfish entertainment, and God (swt) forbids, I hope you don´t get pregnant of him in this situation, because this will bring more tear, wounds and scars to your Heart, your baby, his family, your family and him.

    I would advise you to get out of this relationship, to heal your past, to recover your emotional health, to build up the strong woman you are called to be and give yourself the opportunity to live a healthy life, and to find the right person for you that won´t be ashamed of holding your arm and show to the world you are his wife, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María Editor

    • There is one thing I would like to add, related to your question, he has been doing wrong having a relationship with you and he knows it, if you stop giving him what he wants, what would be his reaction towards you? would he marry you? or he may try to make you fall as you are to continue with this forbiden situation for him?

      Put yourself first in this situation, he is not thinking on you, he is just thinking on himself and the satisfaction of the moment, don´t let him play with you anymore and get stronger to put yourself first now and in the future, if God wants it.

      María Editor

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