Questioning relationship with my mother during difficult divorce
Controlling Mother
I am a woman recently going through an acrimonious divorce. I left a very abusive marriage of 12 years with four children ranging from 13 to 2 years.
My ex husband is dragging me through court for everything. He has stopped working - refuses to pay maintenance. Wants me and the kids homeless and on top of that ironically is taking me to court for child abuse - all lies but not very pleasant. I have had to pull my girls out of private school, and they are now at home without a school place.
The problem is I have always had issues with my mother. As a child she would regularly beat me and ostracise me publicly and in private. My mother was and still is a very aggressive and controlling woman. If things do not go her way she lashes out verbally and passively. At the age of seven I tried to commit suicide. I longed for a loving mother but she just seemed to hate me. She would often say that she did not love me as much as my brothers and only longed for boys. I was a curse.
As I got older I began to rebel and commit many sins. I hated myself and who I was. Her constant condemnation of me had shaped my whole view of myself and ironically I married a man with exactly the same traits.
As I got older I became more practising and realised that I should try and be more compassionate towards my mother.
She carries around a great deal of negative energy and has very few friends. Most people who meet her find her a very draining and aggressive character.
Now I am going through a divorce I have become very dependent on my mother. However the severity of my divorce has caused me to analyse my part in the breakdown of my marriage and I have to say it stems from my childhood. The negative and degrading opinion I had of myself resulted in me having absolutely no self worth. I was desperate for my husband to fill those gaps and needs. I had no idea how to control and maintain a healthy and happy relationship.
My mother still treats me the same today as she did when I was a child and I resent her for it. She has absolutely no compassion or understanding of anybody else's situation. I resent her for treating Allah's creation in which He entrusted her with such little value -and then on top of that, expecting that same damaged person to love her in a way that is impossible - I do not have the tools. She constantly uses Islam against me.
I am failing to understand when I have been moulded in such a way where I was taught to be abused is normality and to abuse is also normality, how can I respect someone of such sort. I have even attended counselling sessions and seen a psychiatrist. Where is her responsibility - taking ownership of her behaviour and the impact it has on others in Islam?
When I am around my children and friends I am happy, patient and relaxed. I have grown as a person and spiritually. However I try to be the same around my mother but I just can't feel much. Occasionally we have huge outbursts. I cannot escape my inner child.
The only way I can be tolerant around her is if I spend as little time as possible. I love her for the sake of Allah and try and be patient but I don't truly feel anything in my heart - I feel such a fraud.
Please any helpful advice on how to deal with this situation would be very much appreciated.
- zakhia 123
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First of all sister ur Mother is ur mother at the end of the day, I don't think she resents you, have u never tried talking to her and sharing ur feeling telling her how u feel about the past abuse thing.
But she needs to change her ways, as u have ur own kids,
if they see her being aggressive at u plus seeing their father it will become a normailty for them.
But how dependent are u on her? Obviously u know ur circumstances.
As for ur husband, talk to him he is the father of your kids and If that is no working then
You'll have to fight him in court, inshallah Allah is with u and ur children will
Stay with u.
Good luck sis.
Assalamu aleykum wa rahmatullahi wa barkatuhu siser,
I can understand what you are going through in your life. To a certain extent I have also had a little bitter relationship with my mother earlier in my life. By in my case I feel I really couldn't understand what she really wanted from me. Or may be my views and opinions were very different from her. But later on Elhumdulillah every thing becomes fine. Now I am away from my mother (gone abroad) and I really miss her.
I would like to quote some hadeeth:-
The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said: “Shall I inform you about the graves of all major sins?” We (Sahabah) said: “Certainly, O Messenger of Allah.” He said: “Ascribing partners to Allah, and disobeying parents.”
Saheeh Al-Bukharee and Muslim
Parents have a really big place in Islam especially mother. I can understand that she has been very rude to you and treated you very cruelly through your life But still after having all said and done she is still your mother and no one can change that fact. You have to treat her very nicely and never even say UFF to her.
BUT, if your mother tells you to do anything un-islamic and then you should not obey her.
Also, if you look from a POSITIVE point of view, you are actually getting a very good chance of showing patience. Showing patience is a very big good deed. Allah has mentioned several places in Qur’an that how much Allah values the one who is patience.
Below are the verses from Qur’an which talk about being patience.
So bear with patience all that they say, and glorify the Praises of your Lord
50:39
And we shall certainly bear with patience all the hurt you may cause us, and in Allah (Alone) let those who trust, put their trust."
14:12
And seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive [to Allah ]
2:45
O you, who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.
2:153
O ye who believe! Persevere in patience and constancy; vie in such perseverance; strengthen each other; and fear Allah; that ye may prosper.
3:200
…But to have patience would be better for you...
4:25
…have patience until Allah judge between us. He is the Best of all who deal in judgment.
7:87
Said Moses (pbuh) to his people: "Pray for help from Allah, and (wait) in patience and constancy…
7:128
Except those who show patience and do righteous good deeds, those: theirs will be forgiveness and a great reward (Paradise).
11:11
And have patience, for lo! Allah loses not the wages of the good.
11:115
(The angels say when pious person enters heaven)"Salamun 'Alaikum (peace be upon you) for that you persevered in patience! Excellent indeed is the final home!"
13:24
But if ye show patience, that is indeed the best (course) for those who are patient.
16:26
Verily! I have rewarded them this Day for their patience, they are indeed the ones that are successful.
23:111
Those will be rewarded with the highest place (in Paradise) because of their patience.
25:75
Have patience at what they say, and remember our servant David, the man of strength: for he ever turned (to Allah).
38:17
And no one will be granted such goodness except those who exercise patience and self-restraint, - none but persons of the greatest good fortune.
41:35
And verily, whosoever shows patience and forgives that would truly be from the things recommended by Allah.
42:43
And we shall try you until we test those among you who strive their utmost and persevere in patience;
47:31
And if they had patience till you could come out to them, it would have been better for them. And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
49:5
So be patient with gracious patience.
70:5
And bear with patience what they utter,
73:10
Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.
103:3
In all these Verses Allah is saying to have patience.
Also the ones whom Allah loves the most are the ones whom Allah tests the most…
And beware of Shaitan the outcast. Remember he always gives you a lot of unnecessary worries and tensions and makes sometimes small things or medium things look very big. He tries his best so that you lose patience because he knows that the reward of being patience is very very great.
Pray a lot to Allah, ask for Allahs help, Allah is the best helper and sufficient helper. Nothing happens without his permission. Allah can send you help from places where you can’t even imagine you will get help.
But Allah is your protector, and He is the best of helpers.( 3:150)
Hope this helps.
Salam
OH MY GOD!
ur relationship with ur mum is just as resentful as my relationship with my dad and its not just about the damage that was done in the past that has left me with scars on my mind but its like an ongoing process. His attitude hasnt changed. He cannot hit me the way he did but he can find ways to humiliate me in front of people especially my enemies. the worst thing that hapnd was way after my marriage, wen i was having issues with my really nasty indian in laws..my own dad stood by them, befriending, socialising, encouraging their gossips against me and all this when i was nowhere in sight to defend myself. He would meet them at their house and not tell me about it...the only thing that kept me from losing my sanity completely was my honest husband who knew what his parents were upto and tried to explain that to my parents while consoling me at the same time. Thank God for him (my husband). Things r better now Alhamdolillah.
i remember how quick he was to accept any criticism which was made against me without any doubts regarding the word or the source and how quick he was to pass that slanderous matter to my mother as though it was another confirmation that justified his negativity towards me, as though he was secretly happy deep within and in an attempt to nullify any goodness my mother believed in. it was more like he was proving a point and it got to a point when i began to believe that i was indeed a hopeless case. his ego was destroying my life until i saw through it. it hapnd when people praised me in front of him for my achievements or my general character and his respond would b not more than lukewarm. more like ho hum. On one occassion i met his female collegue who took immense interest and went deep into discussions with me and just wen my father and i were about to leave she held his hand and said " she is not as u said she is " with a very assuring smile, i felt so betrayed sister. i realised that he was not only harboring ill feelings for me but he was on a mission to malign me in front of ppl who didnt even know me. he never shared with my mother any positive remarks or encouraging compliments he heard through my mentors or wellwishers.
i dont know how far ur mother goes in her attempt in hurting u but if she hasnt patted ur husband's back yet then she hasnt crossed all the lines yet.
i can totally understand u and feel u when u say that u just love ur mum for the sake of Allah but u feel like a fraud within. i really dont know how much one can control his emotions specially those which trigger love
or hatered for a reason, however we can definitely control our actions.
Not every1 on this forum will b able to understand our ordeals sister coz normally parents r known to protect and love their children but then they r humans after all, with imperfections in varied proportions and demons of their own. we may never get clear answers to all our questions however if believing that its all a test and that He loves u more with every tear u shed then just hold on to that thought real tight.
in the mean time just b kind to her and dont worry about being a fraud coz Allah s.w.t understands.
Wow subhanllah... Sister if this makes u feel any better the listen to me.. You are not the only one in this world with a mother who abuse her daughter since childhood and still does after divorce.. I have a mother that fits everything u say abt ur mother... I always thought its just my mother.. But now I see that it's not just her and makes me think WHY? What is going why are they like that??? I do know that from the beginning when were virgins they make us hate our life so that we can agree to marry whoever would've us out the house.. But why do they still abuse us after marriage??? I married her nephew just so I can get out the hose but I didn't like him one but and now we have a child but I'm insisting on a divorce and my mother is so lovin towards my husband cuz he's he nephew and she wants to eat my alive every time I say divorce... It's just crazy.. I'm sure they have personal issues bothering me.. But they need to work in their issues and not abuse their daughters... May Allah be with our mothers.. I my delft have become abuse to my 3 year old daughter just because everyone in the family is against my divorce so they are all treating me the worse way possible.. Sometimes I wish I was never born... God be with us all inshallah.
Good luck sister..
I have started ignoring my mother because its useless.. All she wants to do is argue and and control me.. I'm fed up with dealing with all these issues. I've been away from her like 7 months and she never bothered to call and ask how am I doing... Yeah seriously not the mother we all dream of.. I get so jealous of girls who have loving mothers...
salaam Sister,
I understand what you are going through, my mother was physically and verbally abusive when i was growing up too. She is still very verbally abusive and she says the worst things. I don't feel anything for her anymore, i am just indifferent to everything now. I try my best not to say anything whenever she starts. I feel like she drains me. I just don't understand how someone can claim they "love" you and then treat you like your not worth much. My only hope now is when i can afford to move. I am so happy you are seeing a psychiatrist. Inshallah, I will be doing the same before i get married and have children too. Sister, my only advise is Allah. He is the only one who can help get you through this. He sees what you are going through and He is Just. Stick to your Salah and and make tons of dua. Salah can give you so much happiness and hope.
Sister,
You say that you are very dependent on your mother right now. Try to look where you live for social services or organizations that can assist you. Being around your mother for any length of time is not healthy for neither you or your children. May Allah guide you and help you to move on and heal.
Salam
Assalam alaikum sister,
The experience of a parent who is abusive is very scary-especially when you don't know it is abusive--usually no one figures this out until they are well into adulthood. Unfortunately, I can understand your predicament.
You can't change your mother. You can however, change and adapt yourself. The more you understand, the better it will be for you. It is hard for you to accept yourself because you will always be seeking your mother's approval and you will never get it. This is probably the crux of the problem that most who have had love and approval from their parents will not understand. We are not talking about the regular scolding of parents, but more of a complete rejection in terms of physical appearance, all behaviour and decisions. This affects a child's ability to make good decisions and having a good sense of healthy confidence. You will never be able to find the approval of your mother from any other source so you have to come to terms with that hole inside of you. Do not seek to fill it up from anywhere else except in the comfort of remembering Allah.
I would suggest you look up narcissistic mothers and their daughters--you mentioned being suicidal at age 7, that certainly may be an indicator. It may be possible that your mother is narcissistic. This will help you to understand what you and can and cannot expect of her. If you are expecting her to be very loving and understanding, it may be she is not capable. The more unreasonable expectations you have for her will hurt you more and more. The worst part is that whatever you experience is invisible to everyone, except to you who actually experiences this.
Try to understand her thinking as you are currently dependent on her. She is your mother, so Islamically fulfill your duties to her as you will be responsible for that. Because her behaviour and words hurt you, deal with your emotions by understanding her psychology. It could very well be that this behaviour of hers is learnt. Typically narcissistic people have had a parent or parents who were narcissistic and they are likely to never ever seek counselling because they do not see a single problem in themselves-they perceive themselves to be perfect. The children either become like their parents or they become the very opposite.
I believe that you have some healing to do inside and you have to know that you have what it takes to heal with the help of the Quran. Take care of yourself. Learn from your past and show much love to your children. I pray that Allah gives you patience during this very trying time. Ameen.
Saba
I think first you have to wake up at night and ask for Allahs guidance . Secondly stay away for a period until you feel strong mentally ; then try to save yourself from emotional attachment from everything she says or does. This is gonna take a long time and you will have breakdowns but don't give up when Allah is by your side ... take this time to understand the Quran and Hadith in detail. This way your time will be passed on something meaningful and moreover it's gonna make you resolve your personal problems based on the religion (bonus....) pray for her . It's the best thing you can do because prayer changes Qadar if Allah wants that is....and finally find someone you can trust and someone who will never judge you to stay by your side and always remember you that you have Allah by you and all this is gonna be okay one day ... I hope you find peace in this world and the hereafter in sha Allah