Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Need advice to repent from the sins I committed

Pre-marital/extra-marital relationships are haram in Islam

Halaal and Haraam of Relationships


I'm a 16 year old girl. I met a boy on facebook two years back, i talked to him AS A FRIEND but that slowly turned into love.. Now we both love each other. He proposed me even without seeing my face he didn't even know how i looked as i didn't put any photo of mine on fb. Even i liked the way he behaved with me so i accepted him.He is really serious with our relationship and said me that when i complete my studies and become what i want he will ask my hand from my parents for my marriage. Recently we both met. I'm sincerely telling we didn't know that all this is prohibited in islam. We both committed sin i agree with that. We met just three times and in these meets we committed sins. But a few days back i came to know that whatever we did in our meetings that is touching holding hands[he even once kissed me on my forehead] was all haraam now i feel ashamed and guilty for the mistake we both have done... I told him everything that what we were doing was haraam and i felt that the only way to repent was to stay away from each other. But he is like he cant live without talking to me..and even the same feeling is with me.But we had to do something to stop committing sin again so i forced him to leave me and forget me but that is really not possible for me as well as for him. So finally after a long talk he agreed to wait for me without meeting or talking to me.

He said me he wants to marry me and only me and so he is ready to wait for me till i complete my studies and this will definitely take 7 years. Now we both are not in contact with each other since a week.This is really a miserable situation for both of us but i know that we have to do so to stop further mistakes. I have sincerely been asking Allah forgiveness for the mistakes we both have done..So now i wanted to ask whether what we both are doing that is staying away is it a way to repent our mistakes and also wanted to ask that can we both talk to each other very rarely like just on special occasions like Eid.. and also that will our marriage in future with our parents permission be correct according to Islam..?I cant forget him the entire day i'll be thinking about him i love him a lot and i really cant stop thinking about him with a hope that though we are staying away now we will marry each other in future [Inshallah] , so is this thinking also a sin? I seriously cant stop thinking about him i love him and i feel that i cant give his place in my life to anyone. i don't know whether this thinking is right or wrong. i have been heartfully praying to Allah(SWT) TO FORGIVE ME AS WELL AS HIM FOR THE SINS WE MADE. i sometimes feel that he has not realised our mistake he says that when we both have a clear intention of marrying each other in future then it will not be a haraam relationship though we talk to each other. but i don't feel so. after i told him a lot he agreed to stay away from me . i am also praying to allah talah to give him sabr and understanding of deen to a much more extent and also to give him as my partner in my future.

i trust him that he is going to wait for me. and i even trust allah that he will fulfill my wish if it is good for me. sometimes i feel very lonely without him and i start seeing his photos on facebook is that again wrong? i'm really worried about him he's sending me msgs very rarely like he's feeling very lonely he's not able to stop himself from missing me and other such msgs i feel very bad when i see his msgs i feel like i'm the worst human being on the earth because it was because of me all this had happened if in the beginning itself i would not have had started talks with him the matter would not come upto love and even then if i had not accepted his proposal may be everything that happened would not have happened, i went against allah's(swt) rules i even lied to my parents and for whom i did the above mistakes finally i'm hurting even him. i feel ashamed of myself i feel like i should not have existed in this world i feel very bad for hurting him because he feels that he has nothing left in his life he's like a little ignored in his house so he keeps sharing everything with me and now he's like even i'm not there so he feels he has nothing left in his life i fell very tensed about him. i have understood our mistake i'm repenting i'm asking forgiveness from allah i'm smiling i'm trying to live happily because i believe that this staying way will be beneficial in future may be allah talah will be pleased with our repentance and make us live together in future thinking all this i'm fine but he's not understanding all this he's like he left everything he's doing nothing he's like sad with his life i don't want him to behave that way i want him to be happy have hopes and belief in allah i told him all this when we had a chat long back but i know he didn't understand he sent me a msg saying that don't forget me please.

he's not understanding that i can never ever forget him now i want to once contact him and tell him to be happy do prayers and live happily can i once contact him can i do that or will i again be going into sin .can i contact him very rarely like on special occasions like eid and all just to check how is he or will that again be a sin
I'm really sorry for such a big question but i really need help because i cant talk about this to my parents and friends so please help me if anyone can...


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4 Responses »

  1. As-salamu Alaykum,
    I am writing from the perspective of a mother who has a 16-year-old daughter. As it happens, I have asked all of my children, including my sons, not to use Facebook because it makes me very uncomfortable to see how easy it is for young people to engage in online relationships. It is terrifying to me that you took it a step further and also agreed to meet this boy in person without knowing whether he was truthful about his intentions and background. I could send you dozens of stories such as the following, in which a teen girl was murdered after meeting a supposed "friend" on FB:

    There is a more recent story that took place in the U.S., but I have forgotten the girl's name. In that story, the victim actually believed she was meeting with someone she knew in real life, but it turned out to be someone older impersonating that person. "Complicated," to say the least. In any case, I mention this aspect of your relationship because you should be very cognizant of the dangers involved in what you did and thank Allah SWT for keeping you safe from harm. I sincerely advise you to delete your FB account until a point comes in your life when you are mature enough to use it for purely halal purposes and are not tempted at all to allow strangers into your personal space. Speaking from the perspective of a parent, it is an absolute nightmare to think that such things could be taking place right in one's own home, a place which one usually considers a refuge from the outside world.

    My other piece of advice is to forget this person completely and focus on your studies for now. This is what I would want my own daughter to do, even if the boy was sincere and had the intention to marry her. Seven years is almost a lifetime, my dear, especially at your age. If you consider what you were doing at age 9 (seven years ago), you will find that you have matured a great deal during this time...and although the difference between 16 and 23 is less drastic, you will continue to mature as you finish high school and college, Insha'Allah. The boy himself is likely to mature and is also unlikely to remain patient for another decade as you complete your studies.

    Reading between the lines in your message, it seems to me that you understand all of this and are deeply regretful about what took place. You have already experienced firsthand how incredibly easy it is to succumb to temptation when you are attracted to someone of the opposite sex. That is why it is prohibited in our religion to meet alone with a non-mahrem. Someone may be a decent person and a practicing Muslim, but this may not be enough to prevent him or her from falling into sin. That's why Allah SWT tells us to cut off all the paths that lead to the sin of zina. Shaitan makes you believe that you would never commit such a sin, but it all starts with supposedly small things, such as a phone call, a message, holding hands, a peck on the, to answer your question, NO, it is not okay to contact this person on the Eid or every now and then to check in. If you guys really want to get married, then let the guy take responsibility by contacting your parents immediately to ask for your hand. As you already know, though, this would likely result in you dropping out of school, and I don't know if you are prepared for the consequences of that. Also, if the boy is not able to support a wife, he really has no business looking for one at this point in his life.

    Am really proud of you guys for cutting off contact and managing not to talk for the past week, but the real test now will be if you are able to sustain this for a longer period. The guy may try to pressure you into another meeting or more communication, and you should think about how you will handle that scenario.

    There is more I could write, but I hope this has at least provided you with some food for thought.

    • aslkm, thanks a lot for reading my post and helping me. i know i have done a very big mistake. i'm seriously feeling very depressed, ashamed and cheap of myself for having done all this. one side i'm very very happy that i have cut all contacts with him and even he is not trying to call me. i'm really very happy that now after stopping all contacts with him i don't need to lie to my mom and hide anything from her because before i started talking to him i shared everything with my mom but slowly i started hiding from her about him as my mom always used to tell me to not to involve too much in talking with unknown people on facebook but i had a very idiotic feeling that talking to anyone on fb was not a big deal cuz everyone do that and even my friends did and with this foolishness i neglected whatever my mom said to me and hiding from her i continued talking to him.the other side of my heart i feel very very cheap of myself for having neglected my mom's words and doing such a big sin in islam. i feel very bad because doing all this made me lose my character . i feel i have destroyed myself i feel like i have nothing left and i can do nothing in future i feel i'm fit for nothing. i seriously want to change myself i want to become good i want to become normal i want to become a good muslim. but all these feelings come in between and always keeps me poking that i'm not a good has been more than a month that we are not in contact i posted this question long back. thinking about my parents i again get a feeling that past is past i should now start living a new way of life and this time i should never ever neglect my mom's words. i should forget about him i should not keep any hopes about him even in future and yes i know 7 years long way to go and really a stupid thing to even think that any person wiil wait for one single person for 7 long years and i seriously am trying hard to forget him so that i can start a new beginning .... but all my depressed feelings, thoughts, thoughts that he said he's going to wait for me and begged me not to forget him and everything i have done to my mom all these come together in my mind and are crushing all the positive thinking in me.i want to lead a good life i want to study hard become an engineer cuz that is what my mom and dad want me to become and i really really want to struggle hard for getting successful in my life but all these depressed thoughts are crushing my hopes of becoming good . i want to become the person i was before. 🙁

  2. You started talking "JUST AS FRIENDS", and look what happened. Guys who contact girls on Facebook have an intention for more than friendship, they just don't tell you directly, obviously - because they know girls will bluntly say NO. But if they worm their way in to a girl's life through other claims, like "I just want to be friends", girls are more likely to open up to these pervs.
    If these men who contact girls really just want friends, why don't they contact other guys, then? They NEVER EVER do, they ONLY contact contact girls, because they know that they can easily make a lot of innocent Muslim girls, who don't traditionally get taught what to look out for when it comes to men and their behaviour, believe that they have pure intentions.

    Do not trust this guy, sister - no matter how much he claims he can't lve without you. Of course he can. What's going to happen if he is without you? His heart will suddenly stop? His brain will explode? No! It's just another ridiculous idea people get in to their heads. Trust me, he'll be just fine without you. It wouldn't surprise me if he talks to several other girls besides you, telling them exactly what he has told you.

    Sister, you may think he's serious, but guys like this will go to extreme lengths to use girls. It's all just a game to them. If you don't believe me, read a handful of the millions of real life stories posted by people on this website - rad how their relationships started as "just friens on Facebook" to girls getting pregnant and abandoned, abused, finding out that these men already ahve wives and whatnot. So many women have been through what you have, and even done worse than you - for years - only to realize that the man never really wanted them, only their bodies.

    Stop talking to this guy and to men on Facebook in general. If you want new friends, make friends with other girls, not guys. Men do not contact women on Facebook with the intention to form friendships! Never! Don't believe them when they say they want your friendship!

  3. why dnt u simply gt married ncarry on studying nikah is straight frward...such a long wait ur asking fr things to go twirly wirly n thn nt get married..saying this frm experiences around me.

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