Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Respecting a father who used to molest and abuse

Sexual abuse

My whole family loves my father because he is too polite and kind to them. He always smiles and laugh in front of others. I always keep hearing about how good my father is but only I know what kind of person he is because he used me to get rid of his frustration. It all started when I was 6 years old, before that we used to live in a same house with my uncles. When I was 6 years old we shifted to new house. My mother used to leave me alone "in protection of my father" when she used to go out with her friends or visit her family members in other cities.

That's when my father used to torture like tying me or covering my face with dirty cloth and scare or beat me. It wasn't only confined to that he used to ask me to take off my clothes which I used to refuse as it felt dirty but he used to scold me loudly so I had no other choice out of fear. Then he used to stare, touch and kiss my private parts. It all felt so wrong.

After 3,4 years I started asking my mother to take me with her but my father used to insist that he wants to keep me so my mother used to leave me home saying that "He loves you so much. Stay with him he wants to stay with you." She had no idea what was going on. It stopped when I was 14 years old when I tried to tell my mother. She confined my father but he denied by saying that I have psychological issues. I don't know if my mother believed me or not but she remained silent after that. Although she stopped leaving me alone for more than couple of hours.

Now I never talk to my father. I don't love or respect him in fact my blood boils by looking at his face and I feel like ants crawling on my body. I don't even talk to him in front of others therefore I have to hear it a lot that what kind of daughter I am that I ignore my father. People keep lecturing me about how I should take care of my father and love him. Sometimes I feel like shouting it to the world what he did to me. Sometimes after listening to their speech about father's rights in Islam I fear that I am making Allah angry by ignoring my father (though he doesn't talk to me either) despite of what he did to me.

I tried to forgive my father but he gives me creeps and I still cry because of him. I just can't respect him. Kindly tell me what to do. I believe that he has lost his rights of father and I am living in this house just because of my mother as she cannot bear losing me otherwise I would have left home to get rid of mental torture that I have to face daily just by looking at my father. I also want to know from Islamic point of view that should I respect him although he destroyed my childhood and made me hate myself by sexually molesting me for 8 years. I just can't bring myself to forgive him and I don't think I would be able to love or respect him ever.

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13 Responses »

  1. You can forgive him for your own peace of mind, but dont ever let anyone try to tell you to look after him. I dont care which ulama comes and says otherwise, but no. You do not put yourself in that position. You must leave as soon as you get a chance and stay away because he is no longer what he claims to the world to be. You must believe in Allah and know that He is with you always. Dont go and kill yourself and all that, you work your way up in life and make yourself proud. And if you dont want to talk to him than dont. Dont let anyone else tell you otherwise. He had his chance and now it is between him and Allah. Allah wil not ever let injustice take the lead. Dont even share your success with him. He lost his chance. He deserves no respect whatsoever. You were his daughter and he did this. As far as you are concerned, look after yourself. And if people tell you otherwise, become a bit hard and stern and tell them that you dont know what is happening in their houses, likewise it is better for them to mind their own business because that beta story sometimes just doesnt work. The same people that will say we are there for you end up talking bad about you behind your back. Allah knows everything and He will sort it out. You concentrate om your deen and you success and Allah will help you. Allah will also send someone who will respect and love you more then anything in this world. So dont worry about it, Allah is with you.

    • how can you people advise her its ok rely on allah .come on she should go to the police station and record an FIR have him arrested and tried in court and hanged till death he deserves maximum punishment

  2. Salam, sister.

    What your father did to you will never be taken lightly in the court of Allah (SWT) so don't listen to people who only mention the rights of parents while ignoring that children have rights as well. You father violated your rights in the most disgusting way possible and you have a strong reason to avoid him. Allah (SWT) always answers the duas of the wronged and don't think that He is angry at you for avoiding your father; avoidance is a defense mechanism that Allah (SWT) gave us to protect our selves and having a perverted individual living close to you is a dangerous situation. I'm glad that you are willing to forgive and and hope that your life isn't further damaged by your painful past. In the meantime, I suggest you get a counselor and start looking for a righteous spouse (if you are unmarried) and move out of the house. Staying in the same house as your father is clearly distressing you and putting you through additional pain. I pray to Allah (SWT) that you have an amazing life beyond this pint and that Allah (SWT) takes away all the pain. And since Eid is coming up, turn that day into a new beginning of your life by moving out and rebuilding your life. Eid Mubarak.

    Salam.

  3. Your father should be hanged till death
    ..you don't have to be nice to him ..he deserved to be hanged

    • @friend. unfortunately girls get blamed for incestual relationship even by their mothers. I did some research on "incest fatwa". On a website "islamic web.net" most advice is given just to forget and move on.

  4. OP: My whole family loves my father ..... It all started when I was 6 years old........he used to ask me to take off my clothes .......Then he used to stare, touch and kiss my private parts.

    Your father is a pedophile. He should never be left alone around little girls/boys. If some one can sexually molest his own daughter, what can keep him from molesting other kids.

  5. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Sister,

    You don't need to listen to people or make them feel more secure in their thoughts about you and your father--they have NO IDEA what you have been through and how this continues to torment you through PTSD. I want to begin by telling you that whatever has happened to you was 100% wrong and you did not deserve this. Please go for counselling.

    As far as your father goes and his status, he has proven that he is not and has not acted as your protector by any means. You simply cannot expect people to understand this and you will have to ignore people in order to heal.

    From what you have written, you love your mother, but it is highly concerning how you manage in your environment given what has happened--you need the help of a professional to help you specifically in your situation--we do not know your financial situation, or what you need or anything for that matter--you not only need to heal the pain, but to manage the pain as sexual abuse isn't something that you can just forget.

    I know that some people will suggest marriage--I will not. This isn't the answer to what has happened to you and if you do not know how to cope with this, it will seriously affect the chance at a happy marriage. Marriage isn't a bandaid for all horrible situations in the past especially if you have feelings that you have not dealt with--and if this is not something you want to disclose to a future spouse, that would affect you, if you do disclose it, that will affect you--so first you need, as I said, counselling.

    May Allah swt ease your pain, help you to find peace and aid you to recovery as you move forward, Ameen.

  6. Your mom definitely knows it although she might still take the side of your father. And if he did it with you he must be doing it with other kids too because if it is sickness/disease. Maybe other people know about it too but every one is silent. I would recommend keeping mom on your side, and getting married as soon as possible with the right guy. Never tell this to your husband and try to forget what happened to you when you were a child. Let your father get punished in the court of Allah SWT. He is unfortunately too strong in South Asian societies for a daughter to fight and win. God Bless!

    • My mother knows that my father wasn't good to me after all but she doesn't know exactly what happened and I'm unable to tell her. She recently got me engaged to her friend's son as I have explained in my comment below.
      And yes I caught my father twice touching girls inappropriately. I somehow saved them and since then I try to keep an eye on him because I was unable to speak for myself but I won't stay silent if I see this happening to another girl.

  7. I recently got engaged and my fiance is really nice person but he used to praise my father a lot which was unbearable for me (to see the person I'm closest to and spend rest of my life with praise the person I never want to see again) so I told him that I'm not in good terms with my father but I didn't tell him the details. He said he totally understands and asked me to keep myself busy till we get married. He lives abroad so he said that he will try to arrange marriage asap but it will take few months.
    He didn't ask what happened that made me hate my father although he said that he sensed something was wrong and he's with me no matter what. So if he asks after marriage what happened should I tell him? Because he said that he would bring me to pakistan once a year to meet my parents but I don't want to come and I believe that he will understand.

    • O plz dear let this sin of ur fathers' be in veil and after ur wedding if u hav to tell ur husband just choose to tell him that ur father was cold unintetested and nvr took ur resoonsibility as a father which isnt totally wrong.... just keep it this way to protect ur ownself from any bad judgement abt ur upbringing..... and the thing abt u coming back to ur country.... let the time come who will know wat it stores for u specially regarding how many visits to back home. One or none?? So dont be in haste just keep ur past in past
      Good luck brave girl

    • Before you leave though, is it not better to tell someone trustworthy of the matter so when you leave, they will keep an eye on him? Because you will be leaving, then someone else thats staying there should keep him in their clutches and make sure he doesnt hurt any other children

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