Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Reunited with my husband, but he won’t support me or our son


Salaam All!

My story might be hell to most of you guys but here goes.  Sorry for it being so long but I really need help.  I was born and raised in America NY.  I have 2 sisters and 1 brother.  I am the 2nd oldest from the family.  I was however not so modernized as much as my brother and sisters was. So when it came time to get married, I ended up marrying my cousin's cousin who was born and raised in Pakistan.

i now have been married for 12 years, have  a 9 year old son, and am very dependent on my parents I guess. My husband has left me twice, with my son and hasn't cared about our financial or emotional health at those times.  My parents have been the ones who were supporting me since he just got up and left.

Now here are my problems in the past 12 years of my marriage that I am begging for help.  As I said I was born and raised here in New York, I am a Pakistani Muslim, but since I felt that I needed love and care I guess I messed up by getting it from guys when I was in HS etc....BUt to be honest I told my husband before marrying him everything and anything to be 100% honest with him about my relationships  or anything that I messed up with.

He always had a problem of looking at other girls and that made me feel bad, which really haunted me but when I would say something everyone would say it was my fault, and it was me.  I wasn't a good cook and a good cleaner and he wouldn't come home and support the family instead he would be going out to try to meet girls and become friends with them.

It took me almost 5 years to prove to everyone that he was cheating on me and at that time I wasn't doing anything like cheating back but since everyone I went to and they told me it was me who was wrong in thinking like that about my husband which I knew he was cheating on me.  I started to cheat too yes I know I was wrong but he is the one that made me feel bad, I then was getting attention from other men rather than him and liked the attention.

My husband also got arrested for sexual harassment and I was pregnant at that time, yes my parents knew about him at that time and they even gave me the choice of having an abortion but I wanted this baby and I kept this beautiful baby.  Now I say that my son did nothing to deserve any of this. my husband leaves whenever he wants to and expects that my parents support me, than I have a medical issue with my period, and I bleed for longer days that won't stop that does even lead to months up to 6 months I have dealt with.

I am now back here and moved back in with him, after he found out I cheated on him and everything. well if he can cheat for so long and everyone told me that it was me just thinking that when it really wasn't he was really looking for women and told them he's never been married he was on dating sites, he even met other peoples parents to try to get married to them by saying that his parents are getting old and want him to settle down, his parents are in their 80-90's and i can't believe he would deny his beautifully son.

i am now back with my husband who i haven't been with for almost 2 years now, i need him to support me and my son financially emotionally (especially my son) who really needs a father in his life, but my husband doesn't understand how he should support us, he doesn't want to support us financially because he's been living a single life for the past 2 years that he will never understatnd what i mean by that....

he expects me to work, cook, clean and take care of myself and my son.  if thats the case why would i need to be with him.  i just want my son to be happy with a mother and a father.  i took the step to move back with my husband so i can fix my family. yes i know my parents and siblings are worried sick about me but its about  time that i need to stand up for myself.

i am going to be 34 years old on tuesday and my husband is now 39 years old.  i thought that maybe he learned his lessons but its not like he did. he doesn't want to have sex with me i don't know whats the problems  i don't usually pray but i was thinking that maybe if i turn to Allah everything can be fixed inshallah it will be fixed but I really don't know what to do anymore....

he has told me that I'm better off going back because at that time i had a job and i was fine financially, he was also forced to give me child support, only because he didn't give me anything and he is the one who told me to go through legal which i myself was afraid to do because it wasn't in me.  i am not that type of person he knows that about me and thats why i feel like he uses me whenever he wants.

my life has always been a game to him but now he tried to make my sons life like a game to him too but i don't like the fact that he was trying to play games with my son so i spoke up and i told him that i am not leaving from here he is going to support us whether he likes it or not.  I am not moving back to my parents again, my parents are in their 55-65 ages and dad has 3 stents and mom has high blood pressure.  i didn't marry them they are not the ones who should be supporting me.

i really need my family life to work.  i don't know what else to do i  was looking for a counselor or something a muslim one so they would understand and i don't have to explain religion and everything.  i have tried so much stuff with my husband that i just don't get it anymore i am even trying to just toughen up and try to be independent that way if it doesn't work out between me and my husband i can be off alone with just me and my son rather than me going back to my parents for them to support me.

i know this might all sound stupid to you too but believe me i am like the nicest person out there and it hurts that people use me all the time especially my husband and I'm afraid my son is the nicest kid out there and he might be used all the time too when he gets older.  please i need your help and prayers.

i have tried to explain to my husband i need this family life to work.  i need my husband to be a good husband, a good father, and a good son to his parents too.  i am trying my best to be a good wife, meaning cooking and cleaning for him, but he wants me to work and in a way support myself and my son which makes no sense for me because than i don't say anything about money until i realize that I'm using all my money up fro me and my son  so whats the point of me being with him than....

please any suggestions anything that can help my situation become better would be appreciated

i feel bad for my son everyone he meets he tells them that my dad left me on my 7th birthday etc, its been hard living without a dad i know that but unfortunately my husband doesn't.  my parents and brother and sisters have been a big help but i need to learn how to do this myself, and to get on my own 2 feet like most american women out there too.  i just want a happy life again.  i am living a stressful life right now too. but moving to a new state, its like i don't know anyone here and I'm trying to find a job so i can atleast support myself and my son if it goes down again....

please i need encouragement ......

please help if you can....



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4 Responses »

  1. Sister ,I think you need to have a clear talk about roles and responsibilities of husband and wife in islam .Islamicall he is supposed to provide you and your kid ...just be clear to him ...why he is not ready for it ? He don't have stable job ? Financially how strong is he ? These aspects you both need to sit and discuss ... also your revenge cheating was wrong from islam say was sinfull and shamefull ..repent for it ........if your husband fails to provide you then you have right to take divorce ..

  2. My dear,

    First of all. You have to strengthen your relationship with Allah. Pray pray pray. Once you do that, and read the quraan and read what Allah says. You will find peace my dear. Ask Allah for help first, and connect to him. It makes the biggest difference. Read the quraan with translation, just the English and try to understand what Alllah is trying to say.

    Second of all. You need to have a sit down conversation with your husband....does he want to be with you again? It sounds like he really doesn't. Anyway, talk to him. If he is interested, make it work. Learn together the duties of husband and wife. And if he doesn't, then let him go. No point in forcing him when he isn't ready.

    Try to find work again and live independently. Because it doesn't sound like he really is that interested in being a part of your life financially or emotionally. Don't wait for people to help you, you have to help yourself my dear.

    Don't wait for papa to come around, just be the best mom to your son...and if your husband doesn't want to be involved, then just let it go. You can't force him to be a good dad.

    If he is not providing for you financially, emotionally and sexually....then I don't know what kind of husband he is.....if he is not willing to change and doesn't want to be with you...let him go, and live your life drama free my dear. It's better to be alone then being in a miserable marriage.

  3. gather yourself together, you are 34 not 14.
    you are a mother .
    you are a daughter
    you are a wife that your husband does not respect.

    you are a person .... not a cleaner or cooker or sex satisfying object.

    stand up on your own feet. respect yourself or no one else will.

    try one more time with a mediator about reconciliation and give it a deadline. if things don't improve in 6 months. get out of this mess. this will eventually take up your life and your son's too. you have already comitted zina because ofthe pressure of this unstable relationship. you dont want loose your imaan.

    people only learn if they want to learn..... even the prophets were not in power of that.

    if he is dependant on your passport, if he doesnt mend his ways report him to authorities.

    may Allah bring ease in your difficulty. that ease may be leaving this man if situations doesnot improve.

  4. Sister, no offence to anyone here but ur lying to ur self and ur son. That man is clearly having trouble with your past and there is no way and i mean no bloody way he is going to change especially when he has been with other girls. All the fluff talk here is coming from people who either have never faced anything like it or have themsleves been with multiple partners that they dont care about anything and use religion as a support stick.
    You have to have to must have to be financially independent and support ur child and urself and leave him asap. Its never changing. Im not going to give you religious flavour of hope for this. Put faith in god. Be the best u can. Im telling you human nature, man nature he will never be yours fully ever. Your choice if you want to live in misery or have a nerve to let him go. Once u let him go, 4 years down the line with no contact u will be completely out of his zone. Ull be free... he is a manipulative person who is playing heavily on your psychology and is winning everytime.
    4 years away from him with abs zero contact whatsoever and ull be fine. Infact ull be happy as anything.
    God is good, he is there but he las left us to our own devices. If you hope for a miracle, ull only hope for something forever.

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