Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Revert husband not willing to practise Islam

Whiskey bottleAs-salamu alaykum,

I have recently been married. My husband was Sikh and has revert to Islam. The reason he revert was to get married to me, I told him Islam does not allow this and he should have an interest in practising. He agreed to revert and then will learn Islam. He has some knowledge of Islam due to his cousin brother who is a revert and this led me to believe he had good intentions with becomimg a muslim

My brother took him to the mosque where he performed the Shahada, 2 weeks later we got married. His parents do not know he revert to Islam or else they will disown him

I have asked Allah for forgiveness for my previouse sins and now wear the head scarf and pray and hope to be a good practising muslim.

It is now the holy month of Ramadan and asked my husband to go mosque to pray namarz because he has not learnt how to yet, he has refused. He has told me he is not going to go mosque , he will not fast and he also refused to read the books that were given to him when he revert.

I asked him to get rid of the Alcohol that is in the house and the picture of the Sikh god because we are muslims. He replied back saying the alcohol and picture is for his parents that are Sikh and his dad can have this if they come round. At the moment his parents are not communicating with him because I have moved into the house with him. I don't believe my husband has told them we got married in Islam and English law. They also do not know he has converted and he will not tell them or else he will lose them forever.

I have doubts to why he converted, assuming it was just to marry because based on his behaviour he has no intention on practising Islam. Also I then question does this mean my marriage is invalid because his intention wasnt right when he revert?

I asked him does he consider himself to be a muslim, he said yes because he has given up alcohol and no longer eats haram. He also said he fears God.

He will not allow me to bring a Imam to the house to advise him or us. What can I do? Is my marriage valid?  Do I stay with him and pray that one day he will have fear and practise Islam the right way?

I hope that the right advice will be given, inshu'allah

- Ray

Tagged as: , , , , ,

28 Responses »

  1. Dear Ray,

    I am sorry for the difficult situation you are in. Your husband's actions/behaviour and his resistance against learning about Islam would lead one to believe that he has not truely accepted Islam and that he did so verbally only to marry you.

    You have obviously become stronger in following Islam since you were first married and are hence questioning the religious identity of your husband. This is a good thing maashAllah, may Allah increase your awareness. You have asked whether you should stay with your husband and pray that one day he will start practising, but Sister, for a man to start practising Islam he needs to actually accept it first, right? It could be that your husband has accepted Islam in his heart, but is very weak in manifesting it through physical worship. But this seems highly unlikely, as someone who reverts/converts to Islam is usually very passionate about his new found faith and dives in willingly with obvious excitement.

    As a Muslim sister, I would advise you to clarify to yourself your goals in life; which are to strive towards good and abstain from what is forbidden as our final destination is to Allah alone. You are a Muslim woman and are fully aware that you can only marry a Muslim man. Prepare yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually as you will most likely have to leave this man. Have a very clear and open talk with your husband. Tell him exactly how you feel and that you can only continue living with him as his wife if he sincerely accepts Islam; then separate from him to see if he changes his ways.

    If he is sincere, he will go to a Masjid and learn about his deen and you will come to know of it. If he makes no effort to change, then I would personally accept that he is not a true a Muslim and leave him for the sake of Allah. Of course this will be very difficult for you Ray, but see it as a sacrifice for the sake of Allah.

    In the meantime, I would also suggest you go to a qualfied Imaam for advice. InshAllah your path will become easier for you.

    SisterZ Editor

  2. As-salamualaikum,
    I think that you youself should go to the people in the community like the imam or some pious sister who has been married for a while ( so she knows the ups and downs and ins and outs of marriage) for advice.
    It is not a good idea living with your in-laws. They are not speaking to you, and I'm not sure what exactly they think of you. The idea that they are not talking to you is making me think, "caution". I DO know that some South Asian people do some very evil things that they can do to their own daughters or daughters in laws, especially if they feel that their honor is at stake. Honor is everything to them. I don't know your in-laws personally, maybe they are not like that. Many people are not. But it is advisable to stay at your own place for now until you figure things out.
    You cannot live a peaceful married life with in-laws treating you like this. This is not a good start. How can he take you to his parents' house and start living with you without telling them he's bringing in a wife? If he does want to practice his deen, but is afraid to tell his parents (which is understandable), it is better to seek his own place for living so that he can practice freely. That is what he has to do if he wants to be able to practice. If he really did get guided, why doesn't he want to practice? Usually, someone would themselves be trying to learn about their new religion and wil practice when they hear a command. This is how sincere reverts are, I think.
    Try not to be emotional, and try to think rationally. If it is really a weakness on his side, then it is your choice. Marry someone stronger in deen or live with him and hope and pray for him to change. That is going to be difficult, but not always impossible. You are at a different level, and he's at a different level. There's going to be lots of disagreements, clashes, anger, hurt, and frustrations. This can happen everyday, as Islam is a way of life. You are trying to live it, and he's I don't know where.

  3. dear sister,

    iam sorry to read your problem. i may be wrong but i think you in the begining also did not bother whether he was truly excepting islam or not. you needed him to revert so that you can get married , so i would say the intentions were not a hundred percent selfless gain by helping him to revert.

    i personally think that if someone is happy to revert to marry a muslim then there is no harm but then he or she should be prepared that they may be not truly excepting islam as there faith and way of life.

    my sister, you need to be patient with him. now you are married and ofcourse you love him, so dont just loose him just like that. if Allah has helped him through you to even say shahada i think we should give him the credit. however he has not told anyone about it and i dont think he will unless he is inside out a muslim.

    dont know if going to imams or bringing them home for teachings is wise or not. my personal experience with imams is not very good, they say the right things in the most inappropriate manner. he is still learning, just beauce you have increased your imaan does not maen that he also has to or otherwise go away.

    show him islam through your character, your actions, your love. dont stand on his head all the time asking the same question are you muslim or not? i had a female friend who is muslim but did not practice at all , i was a little shocked to see that how far she has gone from deen. in my innosence iwas trying to make her realise that she is doing a big mistake being away from deen, but the conversation went a bit harsh and i ended up asking her Are you a muslim or not? do you believe in Allah or not? she went billistic and said there is no God and islam is not real( iam very sure she didnt mean it , she was just in that situation where she denied everything to win the argument and shut me up). i still regret that conversation and putting her in a spot where she ended up quitting islam. i could have handled the situation more wisely and calmly and less defensively ,knowing that i was right anyway i didnt have to make her feel so rebelious. i pray for her that she comes back to islam.

    dear sister. give your husband some more time. if you dont have kids yet then think before you plan a pregnancy. if youhave relatives who can in an informal way help him feel more attached to your family and in turn to islam then make arrangements for it. ask your brother to be with him and make him feel a muslim not an outsider whos deen is still under speculation. dont just beat about alcohol and other stuff. arguments are not liked by anyone.

    i will give you one example, if you keep asking your kid if he has offered prayers or not he will either just do it to say yes to you, or will lie to you ,or when he is old enough to answer back he will say none of your business. but if you really want him to take the responsibilty of offering prayers then you will slowly need to work on it. you will need to find him friends that will encouragehim , or take him to mosque not specifically for namaz but with to also meet other kids that are like him and take namaz seriously.

    at the end of the day,it is only Allah that knows whats in the hearts. its true that once he has submitted competely to Allah it will show in his actions but he is not there yet. so be patient save your marriage , save your peace in thehouse and above all save him from running away from the little bit of deen he has accepted.

    Inshallah he will completely embrace islam.

    take care


    • Thank you friend for the calm and positive advice.

      Before we got married i asked him to read the english Quran, go to websights and understand 5 pillars, also to approach his religious brother for teaching. He did do these things for a month then he stopped and told me his been busy with work. He use to stop me from going out, dress in loose clothing and said Islam teaches this. Part of me believed he had it in him but now I know he said this for his selfish reasons due to his insecurity. As a husband he now prefers that I wear tight clothing, go out with anyone and hates the fact that I wear the headscarf. He doesn't like going out with me anymore and begs me to take scarf off when we go shopping, which I do only to keep the peace with us, is that wrong?

      It's difficult to show him Islam through my actions. I try my best act within Islam but he expects me to do things against even after explaining to him it's haram or not right. There are things that are not allowed between husband and wife in the bedroom section and he now is stating that I am not forfilling his needs, does that mean I should do what he wants?
      I have asked him several times to attend the new Muslim circle and made him aware there will be many people like him and even non Muslims. He agreed but everytime it came to that Saturday he will say his stressed with work and will go to work or he will go to his family which I can not go because no one knows about us.

      After we got married we lived alone in his 3 bed house untill his family stopped communicating with him for that reason. He asked me if we can move into my 1 bed flat, I wasn't happy but agreed to keep the peace. I requested if he will redocorate my flat and make it feel like a home like the house did, he refused so I used my money and redocorated and furnished flat. He paid for everying in his house and since we moved in my flat his not paying for anything. This upsets me very much. My husbands earns alot of money and Islam teaches a main is to provide but in my case he won't even though I moved for his sake. Isn't this unfair and wrong?

      He goes to his house every other weekend and stays with family not parents and leaves me alone at flat. Surely that can't be right. I'm his secret wife and never did agree to this. He does not treat or respect me as his wife. I am not willing to live as a secret, what do I do?

  4. Assalam Sis Ray

    I m sorry to say u Islam is da most important dan everything. if yr mom is doing wrong so u hv 2 take decision against yr mom.

  5. dear ray,

    im sorry, i ofcourse did not understand the gravity of situation.

    my sister , i think you should involve other members of your family .you are facing all this turmoil on your own. ofcourse there is no input from his family. may be you can start by asking to declare your marriage ,for how long can you keep it as secret?

    ofcourse the main problemis is him not really taking islam as his faith. he probably does not want anyone to know that he is a muslim thats why he asks you not to cover yourhead. he can face the fact that he is living with a woman( not declaring marriage) but cannot face the reality that the womanis his wife and a muslim and that he has accepted islam.

    as suggested earlier, you can try talking to him .

    it seems like you have had enough of this limbo and would like to move on and practice islam freely and have a family on islamic grounds.

    my dear sister , try what you can first ,before calling off your marriage.if it becomes too sufocating then the best is to move away from what is causing sheer trouble and no peace.

    may Allah give you the wisdom to come through this difficult situation.

    take care


  6. Assalmualikum, Sister.

    First of all I would like to say how saddened I am on hearing your story. I have 2 sisters of my own (1 is married), and I would die for them.I think that this is one of the reasons why Islam prohibits women to marry non Muslims (even though he converted). It makes things very complicated. I also feel (don't mean to hurt your feelings) that it was a mistake on your part to allow yourself to get so close to him. I see that you tried your very best to get him to study and learn ISLAM before you got married, and that he was showing signs of faith. But now that you are married, he has changed all of a sudden and is making non Islamic demands. To be honest with you sister, I think he is still a Sikh inside. He is taking advantage of you, by making evil demands etc. Talking about family, do you think (again not trying to offend) it was right for him to hide the fact from his family, because if you are not going to do something wholeheartedly, you shouldn't do it. I mean look at what problems lying from his family have caused, begging you to not go out with a scarf, keeping pics of Sikh guru's in house and most important, not being able to visit and spend time with your In laws. Sister, I say he has lied to you and has disrespected our pure religion. I would advise you to ask him to seriously become a true Muslim (no strings attached), or leave him without delay. Like I said at the beginning, I have 2 sisters, and I can't stand to see them hurt. You are also my sister, in ISLAM, so I can't stand to hear about you getting used. I hate people who take advantage of women, especially my Muslim sisters. Anyway sister, I will pray for you, and I hope to hear a reply from you. ASSALAMUALIKUM

  7. Dear sister

    You have a difficult situation and I will pray for you. You must not loose hope as there are many good points whcih I have read. He has been to a mosque to revert. he has stopped haram. he has some knowledge of Islam and has family which he can turn to who are in the same position as a revert. You (and I do not mean to offend you) seem that you only have recently started practising Islam yourself. From this i mean that it seems that you got close to a man outside marraige and that he was a non-muslim. I am glad that you both found the correct path and made your marraige in the eyes of Allah.

    The probelm is that you are now stronger with your following of islam and there is a big difference from your follwoing and his following. This is probably the reason why you are not at peace because it will always casue conflicts. Only he will know what is in his heart and whether he has truly accepted Islam. There are many muslims that do not practice Islam and this is not just a question for reverts. You should encouage him through your love and prayers . You should speak with him about this. He has already taken the biggest step towards Islam by reverting and you should give him time to find his way.

    I think that he is also in a very difficult situation with his family (but this seems to be from his own actions). I think maybe the sitaution with his family is making him behave in starnge ways. I think you should give him time to deal with his family as if he has hidden your marraige from them there must be strong reason why. You should speak to him and help him as his partner as the reason why this has happened is so that both you could get to the right path.

    He is your husband and you should try to find peace and hapiness in your relationship. I think you should talk to him and give him time. If he is not willing to go to religious classes or mosques then give him time without forcing him. Inshallah he will go in time and find the correct path as you have now.

  8. Salaams Ray, I am in an almost similar situation as you, married a non-Muslim who converted to Islam, but he did it just in order to get married to me, or else my family would never have accepted. Anyway seven years on I am seriously thinking of leaving him. Because I see that by being with him, I am slowly beginning to live my life as a non-Muslim, he doenst mind me praying or fasting, but he does not like me wearing the scarf, and keeps criticing Islam. I have tried to teach him about Islam, but is just useless. And we have two kids, and so I am thinking of leaving him too because at the end of the day I don't even think such a marriage is valid in Islam, since when one knows that she's getting married to a man who became Muslim only to get married. ON top of that if he won't let you practice your religion, then I why stay? Surely our Islamic beliefs shoudl come before any man right?

    Its going to be painful but Allah will always guide us when taking the right path inshaAllah.

    • Am extremely sorry If am gonna hurt you by my comment (In Advance) buh dont you think you should have thought about this BEFORE you got married ? "I don't even think such a marriage is valid in Islam, since when one knows that she's getting married to a man who became Muslim only to get married, Surely our Islamic beliefs shoudl come before any man right?"

      You see hun, you would have saved yourself 7 years of heartache =))


    • I agree with the sister (Samira). You (Amina) should have thought of this before hand. I always thought ISLAM was stronger than this. I never ever thought my Muslim sisters would be tempted so easily. Are you telling me that you didn't know that it was haraam to marry a non muslim. The reasons you mentioned (losing touch with religion, no scarf etc) is exactly the reason why. So you have lived with him for 7 long years, and never thought about leaving him until now. Is it really ISLAM why your leaving him, or have you lost love for him? I'm not trying to offend sister, but I'm shocked! I will pray for you, and all my Muslim sisters. You have learned a very hard lesson, so now hopefully you will go out and warn other Muslim sisters about this. Islam should be way beyond this, and it definitely is. If it was forbidden for a man to marry non Muslims, I (me personally) would not even think twice about it. Islam should always come first. God doesn't need us, we need God.

      • Dear Brother Muhammad,

        Praise be the Allah alone that you would never marry a Non Muslim if it was forbidden for you to do so Islamically. The credit is due to Allah only, so feel very fortunate that you have been gifted with the understanding of this.

        I do not believe it is at all right or fair to cast judgement on this sister or upon any of the others who write here seeking advice. They have been at stages of their life where maybe they were weak in their imaan or maybe their Islamic education was not to the standard that yours was of. Now Alhumdulillah, they are coming towards the real truth of Islam and what they need is understanding and advice on how to move forward.

        Although we may be born into Islam, does not mean that we know everything about, or even know the basics. Our upbringing may not have been a model Islamic one. This sister was most probably weak in her Imaan when she decided to marry this man. Alhumdulillah she is awakening from her sleep and asking vital questions now. I hope we can help her take the steps necessary to improving her relationship with Allah.

        May we all be fortunate enough to have Allah guide us to the truth of Islam and may we all accept it through His Mercy, Aameen.

        SisterZ Editor

        • Sister, I did not mean to offend. Like I said, It just shocked me big time. I understand what your saying, and I completely agree with you. I might be a little harsh sometimes, but it is only because of my passion, and love for our beautiful religion. Like I said, I will pray for the sister, and I would want her, now that she has gone through this, to help others Muslims sisters. I, however still feel a little constructive criticism is needed. Anyway thank you for your nice message. ASSALMUALAIKUM

          • Yes, you're right Bro, JazakhAllah,

            Constructive criticism is definitely needed. We are all trying our best here to advice with our limited knowledge, so its nice that we can help each other see things from differing angles. Alhumdulillah.


  9. By the way, I would like to apologise for my earlier message. I do feel I was very harsh. So apologies to sister AMINA.

  10. @Muhammad, you've been harsh but I acept your apology and to be honest I know thta you are absolutely right to be mad,I do feel very ashamed of what I did, and I am paying for it each and every day of my life, trust me. The reason why I have decided to end it is not because I ahve fallen out of love with him, no that is not the case, I love him a lot and I guess a part of me will always will, since he's the kindest man I have ever been with not only to me but to everybody, the only thing lacking is religion.The reason I have decided to leave is because I feel closser to my deen now, than I did seven years ago, because I've got positive people around me and because my family as a whole have also gotten so much into deen, that it makes me realise just how many sins I am comitiing each day that I am with him.and just how beautiful my religion is.

  11. Sister Amina,

    You have given up someone you love dearly for the sake of Allah. May Allah accept your sacrifice and reward you immensely, Aameen.

    SisterZ Editor

  12. I can never relate to someone who is not the same religion as me. Islam is a way of life and there is no way a muslim and a non muslim can live the same life. therefore it is absolutely 'stupid' thing to do especially for a girl.

    • Sister, Nayla, I pray that you continue to be as wise and never make any 'stupid' mistakes ever inshaAllah like I did.

      • Salam sis..

        As human beings we are prone to making mistakes, however its how we rectify that mistake and insha'Allah more importantly learn from it and make sincere repentance to Allah subhanahu wa t'ala.. At the end of the day no one is infalliable; may Allah subahanhu wa t'ala guide us and protect us from the fitnah of ourselves and others.

        Your sister in Islam

    • Everyone made mistakes and everyone has their own stories, tests. To say that you should have think this or that before doing is no use other than to make the wound bleed deeper.
      Help your sister not make her more worst.
      I dont think you are an angel yourselves and know all the rules and fiqh of Islam to have the right to write such you did to her.
      I came from the biggest Muslim country in the world and I see a lot of Muslim born not knowing their deen right and left. No matter how astray they are but if they do belive in Allah, they are muslims. No matter how worst their situation are, they are our brothers and sisters in Islam, still far better than the kuffar. It is our duty to help them guide them back to Islam, by doa, supporting and giving advices. Not by saying, oh I'm so shocked, how could you, this and that!Knowing how to back up and to move forward is also important in advices and dawah. . Guidance of how the blessed Prophet Muhammad SAW used to do dawah is there to be followed by us. Did he do what you did in giving advice? I dont think so. Educate yourselves before doing any damage to your own deeds.

  13. Asalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakathuhu Sister,

    In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
    All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

    I pray that you are in good health, and in the highest of imaan, may Allah Almighty help us all adhere to the principles of this true religion, Islam, and enable us to be among the dwellers of Paradise in the Hereafter, Ameen.

    In regards to any aspect of life.. You should remember this hadith:

    Ali (radhiAllaahu 'anhu) reports that the Messenger (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) said:

    'There is no obedience to anyone in disobedience to Allah.

    [Collected by al-Bukhaaree,Muslim and an-Nasaa'ee 'as- Saheehah of al-Albaanee no.181]

    If your partner is not willing to divulge to his family about his marriage then you have to ask yourself what is beneficial for you as a Muslimah; because this 'secret' will have a domino affect on your lives.. For instance because your marriage is a secret what happens to you lot having kids? Someone seeing you two outside, furthermore if one day his parents see you outside will he deny you?

    If children do come by, what Deen will they follow, part time Islam and when his family is around will they be Sikhs?!

    So my dear sister weigh up the pro's and con's and make the Quran and Sunnah your guideline not the society and insha'Allah Allah subhanahu wa t'ala will guide you to what He decides.

    May Allah subhanahu wa t'ala ease your pain and bless you with sabrun jameelah.


    Your sister in Islam

  14. This is account holder. Please delete this page from the internet please.

    thank you


    • Ray, we do not delete questions after they have been published and answered. However, if you are the one who submitted the question, we can change some of the personal details to conceal your identity.

      Wael Editor

  15. This is what happens when people convert for he wrong reasons. Unfortunately there is no way out but to consider divorce her, you can try showing him the right way but I feel doing so would push him even further. Alah says that if he wanted everybody on earth would be muslim and nobody can accept islam if Allah's will is not in it.

  16. I already apologized to the sister, and admitted that I might have been a little harsh. I will apologize to u also if my comments offended. I still feel that it is sometimes good to be a little harsh, and give some tough love as they say. You can't always be smiley smiley, and you have to sometimes be serious. My message was aggressive, but not my intentions. I get really shocked by stories like this. I feel Islam is too strong for things like this to happen, but I guess shaytaan is very deceptive. You will have your way, and I will have my way. Everyone is unique, and different, but hopefully, we will all be working together to help this sister, and others like her. ASSALMUALAIKUM

  17. Ray you should 1) first and foremost, do not have any sort of intimate relationship with this man, as he is not a practicing muslim and might not be a Muslim at at all anymore. Bringing a kid into the relationship will just complicate things 2) Ask him about his beliefs and whether or not he believes in al-Islam and will practice it (belief and practice go hand-in-hand)

Leave a Response