Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Revert. Lost my virginity. Extreme guilt

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Assalam alaykum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh

I don't know where to start with this, but I am a 19 year old Arab girl. I converted to Islam (from being an Arab christian) 2 years ago and alhamdulilah it has been the best decision of my life. Even before reverting, I was a pretty good girl, was still a virgin, never drank or any of that. After I reverted I became even better with my deen, praying 5 time a day etc. I even wore hijab part time (I am still living in secret as a Muslim from my entire family at home. It could be a seriously dangerous issue to bring up right now) but took it off after a while. Also I have serious anxiety issues and panic disorder and take medication for it.

Anyways, that's the background of me. Now to the issue. I met a guy, also Muslim who started talking to me. I've always been interested in marriage only not dating but for some reason after just a week of knowing him I lost my virginity to him. I didn't want to do it but he was so pushy and I'm so shy to fight back (I'm also really small, 5'2, 100lbs) and next thing I know it's happening. I told him to stop but he didn't want to and kept going. He would pressure me and make me feel guilty saying I'm rejecting him and he thinks I don't care abou him and stuff like that. He was kindve forceful and would try to do it without asking and I would keep saying no. After that I thought there's no point in stopping now so we did it a second time and I regretted it immediately and wanted to stop after we started doing it the second time and he wouldn't stop. I didn't even enjoy it either time, both times the tv was on and I was staring at it just wishing it would be over. Both times were extremely painful. Since then he has stopped all contact with me so basically he used me.

One thing he said once during those times that kindve disturbed me was "I think you want it, i just need to be more forceful". I don't know, I mean I feel like I am guilty for allowing myself to be in that situation but I don't truly feel like I consented. It's hard because I want to blame myself completely and excuse him for just being a guy, and I think that's partly from my anxiety disorder as well.

I feel extreme guilt and regret. I have been repenting and repenting and reciting the misbaha and praying my salah but I still feel guilt. I wake up at night panicking and I can't breathe. I can't believe I slipped up that easily. I definitely take responsibility for allowing myself to be alone with him and constantly ask Allan swt to keep me away from situations like that and to forgive me. Even in my highschool non Muslim days I was strong enough to say no to even falling into those situations. I don't know what to do. I worry that I'll never be married now because who would marry a non virgin girl? I cry everyday. I'm so lost please help me.

So far I have decided to wear abaya occasionally when I can and hijab like if I'm going alone to the store. (Need to stay secret because my family). I want to try fasting at least Monday's or Thursday and all of Ramadan but it's hard with my parents and they're Arab so they know when Ramadan is. I do pray all of my fardh and sunnah prayers as well. Alhamdulilah I have a lot of iman that gives me hope and helps me stay strong on the deen but I also struggle with my mental illness which causes self doubt and makes me overly critical of myself. Please help me. I don't know what to do my life is so complicated and a mess. No one will ever marry me I'm so ashamed 🙁

BintElSham

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28 Responses »

  1. Sister ,welcome to the deen of truth .May Allah make it easy for you .i will blame your boyfriend for this sins who forced you for this ..Please repent sincerly and insha Allah, Allah will forgive all sins n help you in future ..sincere repentence will wash away all sins ...how to repent is covered I same forum so pls go through it ..pls note that n Islam boyfriend girl friend relationship is not allowed even just at talk level ..so never have any bf in future ..may Allah help you and reward you ..you have done a great sacrifice by converting so insha Allah, Allah will reward you for it.

  2. Salam..What is done is done...It is only Allah who knows best and nobody else...Do not look back and know that you are saved and better person today...live life accordingly Obey Allah's commandments and teachings of prophet Muhammad PBUH. This is the key to success..happiness Barakah. It is your experience that will make you a better person so don't feel bad .We are all imperfect..that's why Allah like those who perfect there Iman and make tauba over there current sins. You must connect with the mosque and get involved helping the community. ..Also have daily routine a time for reading hadith and morning and evening quran is a must..SHAITAN will not come near you ...Also be patient.for SHAITAN will come through other weak people in order to keep you away from Allah's rememberancestors! !!So be wise and learn from the sunni scholors and follow one the 4 school of thoughts.other then this you will get confused by others...Study hard but don't make Deen hard .It should be natural . I WOULD KNOW I AM A REVERT TOO.

  3. In the name of Allah who the only one can forgive you.. So please try to be nice to that guy but never let him make love again and try to push him to marry you as he the only one took your vriginaty and try to let him intrduce you to his family. You try to be closed and freindly to his family .. If he refused then show him the other face : recored him while u are saying you took my vaginty and now i am waitinh for u to ask for my hand and so on in case he refused to marry u can go to his family show him that what he did and even they cannot fix things but at least show them his nad act and face to a muslim girl.. By the way who did this is compltely cowred and have no good believe

    • I actually ended up cutting him off and blocking all contact from him. We quickly lost contact after the incident but he stayed on my social media watching everythjng I post so I deleted him

      • BintElSham
        NEVER EVER GO BACK TO THAT GUY, pleaseee.

        You made BEST decision to accept Islam wholeheartly and you made wise decision to break it all with that loser.

        With time in sha Allah you will marry a good Muslim man.

        Always stay positive and focus in your Deen and never lose hope in Allah swt's GREATNESS & MERCY, in sha Allah Xxx

  4. InShallah you will be forgiven, as I see you didn't concent to this. Anything sexually forced is rape. Even if it's your boyfriend or husband. His robbed you of your purity and I have sincere sympathy for you. He took complete advantage of you. And betrayed your trust in the worst way possible

    My virginity was taken as a child by a family member. It ruined me for about 9 years. I cry when I look at photos myself 6 and under, I was so happy. From then onwards I looked like a dead soul.

    He forced himself on you. And if I were you, I'd seek legal advice. Because their will be a day, you'll realise what his done and it'll only add to your anxiety or worse. Which I strongly suggest you avoid at all costs by seeking help.

    I'm sorry for what's happened to you. And don't give up hope. You'll find someone who'll accept you.

    • Alicia: My virginity was taken as a child by a family member. It ruined me for about 9 years. I cry when I look at photos myself 6 and under, I was so happy. From then onwards I looked like a dead soul.

      What happened after 9 years? How did you resolve this traumatic experience? Did your sexual abuse go on for a long time? Do you still get to be with that family member? I assume you lost virginity when you were 6 year old? How old was the person who did it?

      • I turned 6 in July and it started about 2 months later. Continued until I hit puberty when I was 10. It was my second cousin. He was around 24 when it started.

        I always knew it was wrong, because he said if I ever told anyone, he would kill me and nobody would find my body. So I was filled with disgust, fear and everything else all at once. I didn't realise what rape actually was, until about a year after I had my period, my mum decided to give me 'the talk'. I remember the feeling when she said "Your purity is a gift you give to your husband on your wedding night, save it for the man you will grow old with and bear children to". My chest was in pain, from the extreme feeling of how shameful this is. My own cousin took my virginity. How could I ever explain this to anyone. More importantly, will I ever be happy again. From that day onwards, until I was 20. I barely spoke, only when needed. I didn't have any friends by choice. I was always extremely underweight. My hair was always falling out.

        I found a job in health care when I was 19. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Instead of focusing on what he did, my focus was in the interest of improving peoples health. It was my savour and it was all thanks to Allah guiding me. I'm not completely over it, I know I never will be. But I've learnt to accept whats happened. My teenage years were ruined because of this. I will not be a victim of his actions no longer.

        • alicia: I turned 6 in July and it started about 2 months later. Continued until I hit puberty when I was 10. It was my second cousin. He was around 24 when it started.... I was always extremely underweight. My hair was always falling out.......I found a job in health care when I was 19. It was the best thing that ever happened....

          One question..........if you meet a girl who just like you was sexually abused when she was 6-10 years old by her 24 year old cousin..........how ill you help her.....what will you tell her.

          How is your weight now?

          It is nice to see you have been able to move on and now are focussing on how to help others.

  5. OP: I met a guy, also Muslim who started talking to me. I've always been interested in marriage only not dating but for some reason after just a week of knowing him I lost my virginity to him. I didn't want to do it but he was so pushy and I'm so shy to fight back (I'm also really small, 5'2, 100lbs) and next thing I know it's happening.

    Did you willingly go to a room to be alone with him? Did you get into bed and got naked? Did you let him touch and kiss you? What I am trying to say is if a girl does all those things, saying just "no" may not mean much. Just to be safe a girl should not be alone with a guy in a secluded room

    • Brother SVS:

      السلام عليكم و رحمة الله

      I always noticed in your comments you ask questions which are not relevant. for example in this case:

      " Did you willingly go to a room to be alone with him? Did you get into bed and got naked? Did you let him touch and kiss you? "

      Do the above questions make any sense? Please respect someone's dignity - you cannot ask such questions on a public platform.

      Its a request from your brother - Kindly refrain from asking such questions.

      Jazak Allah Khair.

  6. Assalam o aleikum wrhmatullah wbarakatuhu
    sisters i have read your stories.
    Allah is gafoor and Raheem
    dont lose hope in shaa Allah Allah will forgive you
    May Allah forgive us all.
    sister bint elsham try watching Mufti Menks videos.
    it will help you a lot to continue with Islamic teachings
    here is link what should you do now
    please do watch this link its same story as yours and solution is here in this link what you have to do now
    Dont lose hope in Allah
    May Allah give us all pious Hidayah
    ameen

  7. Sister, you were raped. There isn't anything consensual about what happened. Sure you didn't use the best judgement but the crime still happened to you.

    If I show up to a bad neighborhood with a nice watch and get robbed the robber doesn't get to say, gee well it was really tempting to steal it and so I stole it. The robber still has to obey to the command that he can't steal. Similarly, this guy you met went ahead even when you said no. Is there someone you can talk to about this? Is there a hotline or someone that can help you with this locally? If there is you may want to give it a try.

    • I don't know. I honestly haven't told anyone. Not even my best friend. I'm so sad about this because I had originally someone I was interested in and I became very close with and we known each other well for over a year. We kept things very Islamic, to this day I haven't even shaken his hand. But we had gotten in an argument and stopped talking for a bit and during that time this happened. Now we are talking again and I feel so much guilt for what happened. Unfortunately he is from the khaleej and left the country to go home. It's so depressing for me to think about my life and what happened. Everyone thought we would get married. Even if we do, I can't even forgive myself for what happened with his other guy.

  8. Sis don't worry ALLAH SWT bless you with a good guy for your marriage. Dont worry. Do repentance n prayer to ALLAH swt. May ALLAH set help you out. Ameen

  9. Well i want to tell that only ALLAH KNOWS that i would be happy to marry a girl who is broken duecto some act in which she was not involved but trapped or forced to do such act and she did coz of fear. People (boys) cheat most of time as i experienced here n all other place but all are not alike. I never got any relationship with anyone but i would be happy if i can make someone happy, n let her feel new and happy start of life sgain n can feel her that there is always light after darkness. May ALLAH swt bless me so that i can be a good one for all in my whole life.Ameen

  10. Assalamualaikum dear sister BintElsham,

    I understand your feelings of guilt and regret. I think it's quite normal to feel depression especially after any haram act as Allah (s.w.t) just wants His servants to turn back to His rememberance. First of all I would say that everybody makes mistakes....and after reading what you have been through...makes me think that it was a sort of rape because you weren't interested in the relationship. I wouldn't blame you. But nevertheless, Allah is Most Forgiving and as long as you don't keep engaging in Sin....Allah would accept the repentance In sha Allah.

    try to spend more time engaging in the rememberance of Allah and know that good things will come your way In sha Allah. One day you will find someone who is suitable for being your soul mate. So don't worry and be happy

  11. Assalam mualaikum dear sister BintElsham

    At the end of the day you were clearly raped. Regardless of what you did with him your response was no yet he clearly misinterpreted your answer for a yes. In this case it was HIS fault, he should have stopped. A few people would say for you to ask him to ask for your hand in marriage as he took your virginity. This is a red light. If someone rapes you what is the guarantee he wont continue. Rape is basically forcing someone to have sex, so what is the guarantee that he wont force you to do anything else. The best option in this case is to pray and repent for what has happened and become close with Allah SWT; for he shall guide you to the right path and help you out. if in future someone does ask for your hand in marriage then it's very important you sit down and tell him about this incident as nobody would like to feel as though they were deceived in any way. Also this would mean he would understand what you had gone through. if someone leaves you for this then you were not meant to be, as your right partner would stand by your side and help you through it. If you sincerely regret what has happened then pray to Allah swt then he should help you and guide you.

  12. Hi I desperately need help..I think iv lost all hope n this is killing me day by day..iv started acting too wired lately..all I wanna do is be alone run away kill myself m starting to get scared of ppl around me..I even feel allah is angry on me..m trying not to do a sin by killing myself..but I am truly hurt...iv dated three boys..n I don't no y every guy just makes promises tat he will nvr leave u n will marry u..so I fell for it all the three times..the third tym now iv deeply sinned...lost my virginity to all three of them..just coz they made me believe they really loved me I did so..but after few months or days u cud say..they all came up with the same reason that v don't have a future y can't they ever remember this..b4..I feel so physically used..y does it always hav to be me..please hlp me or I may really kill myself. M so stupid..even after So much experience I let this happen..:(

    • Sister Athiya, this doesn't just keep happening to you randomly. YOU put yourself in this situation each time by getting involved in relationships with boys, then choosing to commit haram. Zinaa is haram. It is a serious sin. It doesn't matter if the boy says he loves you, it doesn't matter if he promises to marry you, it doesn't matter if he is the Raja of India and promises to make you queen, it is still haram! Is that difficult to understand?

      There is no need for suicide. Allah is forgiving and merciful. If you come to Allah sincerely, with true tawbah in your heart, intending to change your life and never commit this mistake again, Allah will forgive you, and your sin will be wiped out. This is Ramadan. It is the month of mercy, forgiveness and protection from the fire. Use this opportunity to make tawbah, and make a change.

      You must change your way of doing things. In Islam we do not have friendships or relationships with the opposite sex. We do not date. It is simply the wrong approach. If any boy is interested in you, let him come to your parents with a proposal of marriage.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  13. It may have been a choice to get to know this man and be alone with him but what happened after that does not sound like it happened by choice. No means NO and that makes it rape. Plain and simple. So please do not blame yourself. What happened to you was wrong and it makes you the victim. You may want to pursue charges against him if that's what you want. Also try to forgive yourself first and don't blame yourself. May Allah help and forgive us all. Ameen.

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