Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Role switching; I am the man of the house.

unwanted houseguest, lazy man, too much tv

Dear Concerned,

I am very troubled. I come from a highly respectful and financialy sound family. I married a man of my choice. My family was against him but I still went through it. It has been 2 yrs and I have a beautiful daughter mashAllah.

The problem is that my husband does not do anything. He is lazy and has left all responsibilities of earning and running the house on me. My mother has provided me a house, and his family has moved in. He does not have a father and whatever he earns goes in his mother, sister and brotheres expenses. I work as well and do all grociers, shopping etc for whole house. He has not even given me a gift nor care about my needs. I feel now as he took me for granted and used me to get his status high. He uses my car, my house my everything and now its stated to irritate me. I have a 8 month daughter and everytime i tell him that i would go away of he continues he threatens to take my daugter away from me.

I feel as if i have been made a fool and being used. Please help and advice on what to do. Also he has anger management issues and very abusive verbally. I do not want my daughter listening to the dirty langiuage that he uses.

Please help,


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6 Responses »

  1. asa,

    after reading this i can understand your frustration. no doubt hes a gold digger, he took advantage of you. there is no need to cope with this. tell him and his family to pack up and take a hike. personally i think you should tell him you are fed up of him, ask him to change and tell him its his resposibilty to supoort you not otherway around. if he still doesnt listen nor is he willing to change then seek divorce.


  2. As Salamu'alaikum,

    I will give some personal advise which others may not agree, but I believe this is true, whatsoever.

    Sister, a Muslim woman is NOT obliged to work. She is the queen of her house and she doesn't need to do ANYTHING but take care of her house in terms of cooking, cleaning, and other maintenance work; taking care of her children, teaching them good morals, teaching them the Quran and the Sunnah; protecting herself against the evils of the World.

    In contrast, a Muslim man has the responsibility of proving finances for all this to be done, protecting himself against the evils of the World, fulfilling the viable wants of his wife, and so on.

    When a woman shows that she can do what he can or even more, he (some of them) starts to do less work and provide less that he is supposed to. Gradually, this becomes zero and he sits at home, depending on his wife's income.

    If a wife works in an ISLAMIC ENVIRONMENT where she is protected from the non Mahram men, then she is allowed to work, but just to pass her time. She is NEVER expected to give a penny to her husband out of her earnings.

    I would never force my wife to work. If she wants to work in an Islamic Environment free from any involvement of non Mahram men while I am not around, I wouldn't mind. And I wouldn't ask for a single penny out of it. All of it belongs to her and I have no right to ask for it. And I would in sha Allah provide for everything she has to do, for everything she needs, for taking care of my kids and raising them in an Islamic way, etc.
    I am the man of the house. The responsibility of earning the bread is on my head. My wife would be best at her house chores and I would support her in all of this, whenever possible or whenever required.

    This is what Islam teaches...

    My sister, now that you already face this situation, I personally advise you to make this clear to him that it is his duty to provide for the home and this is what Islam ordains.

    If he does not provide for you, I have read from the scholars that it is a valid reason to seek divorce. But for child custody, you can probably fight for it (if you really want a divorce). Of you want to give this relationship a try, you can advise him, have an Imam or an understanding elder (who has some influence over him) speak to him and look for opportunities of change. He just needs a refreshment. In other words, he needs to realize the responsibility he has as a MARRIED MAN.

    I suggest you to go for the latter, before you can even think about divorce.

    I pray that Allah turns the heart of your husband to what is right.

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

    • That is very true brother waseem. Some men do rely on the eife if the wife works. They don't eant to bear the burden were as if they are put in the situation and have no money they will work!

  3. Salaams,

    I just wanted to add a couple of things. If your parents bought YOU the house, and it belongs to YOU, then it's understandable why your husband lives there. However, there is no reason that his family should live there if you do not want them to. You are not under any obligation to provide for them, so you don't have to endure that burden. Give them a timeframe to leave if you don't want them there any longer.

    As far as him threatening to take your child if you divorce: if you live in a western country it would be very hard to convince a judge to give custody to a parent who is unemployed and homeless over a parent who has a home of their own and an income. Don't let that be a factor in your decision, because a lot of men say things like that not realizing how seriously the courts weigh all factors in the best interests of the children. Clearly, from the information you provided, you would be the better parent to provide the child's needs.

    -Amy Editor

  4. As Sulaamu aleykum sister,

    My husband is putting me through the same situation. He doesn't work and I work. He blames me for him not being able to go out and work saying its because I do not have a pleasant disposition. Although the reason I have a bad attitude most of the time is because he is not helping me at all financially. I do not know what to do anymore. I feel like divorcing him is wrong because I wouldn't want him to divorce me just because I didn't have an income. I work with non-mahram men in a high stress job that does not pay me very well. I wonder why my husband would do this to me if he loves me. Every time I try to talk to him about the situation he blames me for not supporting him and not being patient. I can't tell you what you can do sister. I figure you may not want to divorce your husband you just want him to take responsibility and do what is right by you. We can't force our men to change. I'm letting you know that you are not the only one going through this. I'm making dua for you and keep your trust and reliance in Allah. May Allah make your affairs easy for you, may he bless your husband with motivation and a means to support you and your family. May Allah make your husband grateful and appreciative of you as a blessing from Allah. AMEEN

    Keep your head up sister, Allah tests those He loves. A bit of advice: I like to think how that all the money I am spending on my husband and for the house is a sadaqa, a charity. I like to think that I am giving my money to Allah so that inshallah he will forgive me of my sins and it is an investment for a beautiful home in the hereafter. A home that Allah is providing for me inshallah. Allah says in the Quran:

    "And the likeness of those who spend their wealth seeking Allah's pleasure while they in their ownselves are sure and certain that Allah will reward them (for their spending in His cause) is the likeness of a garden on a height; heavy rain falls on it and it doubles its yield of harvest. And if it does not receive heavy rain, light rain suffices it. And Allah is All-Seer (knows well) of what you do" (Q. 2:265)

    See sister do not despair in your situation, your reward is with Allah (alone). He alone is our Provider, our Sustainer. We do not depend on the creation for anything. We only depend on Allah. If you do not want divorce, consider this ayah as a reminder for your heart. Again, May Allah make your affairs easy. Ameen.

    Maa Salaama,

  5. i dont think your husband will change. such spineless men never do. seek a divorce and seek cusody of your child. the family will make a ho ha about it let it be that way , just get out of this sticky situation. dont get used this way. you are a learne , smart woman, analyse the situation and ACT.

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