Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Ruined my marriage, really want her back!

Man filled with regret and remorseAs-salamu alaykum 

I am in desperate need for your kind advice and guidance. I have been married for ten years with 3 wonderful children who I love and adore more then life itself.

My marriage started off well but hit a u-turn as I felt my wife my wouldn't listen to me or obey me. I felt like she would listen to her family more then me. At times I would make a decision and it would always be challenged. I felt like as the husband I was not in control of the relationship at all.

Later on I lost interest. Arguments and fighting and avoiding each other became unbearable for both of us. Children would get in the crossfire of my language and anger and i would take it out on them also :'(

Eventually my mind started to wander. I stopped praying and became distant from myself and went down the wrong path. I became aggressive, loud, started moving towards worldly things and destruction. i started to do haram things like watching pornography, demanding my wife to do things out of her comfort zone, gambling...looking for worldly pleasures just to annoy her.

but Allhamdulliah I never followed through on anything I never went to see other women or prostitutes...... I was losing the will to live i still am not sure why I went down this path. I gave up on everything without realising the consequences.

4 months ago my wife left me and moved to her family in Pakistan. Since then I have realised my mistakes and have begged Allah swt for his forgiveness and mercy every day during my prays and after my prayers. Since this point  I have not done a single bad thing I have been getting mental health help and treatments on regular bases. I have even been diagnosed for OCD- Perfectionism which made me realise all the pressure i put on my children and wife was damaging to the relationship.

I wish I had known my problem much sooner 🙁

By coming back to Allah swt I have asked for forgiveness and guidance. That I know have come to realise my mistakes and I have left all the bad things behind me and have vowed to Allah swt I will never go back.

I have been trying to reach out to my wife to convince her I have changed and begged for her mercy to take me back and grant me one final chance to earn her respect trust and love back.

She does not believe she should. I have read a lot of articles online stating if man shows remorse and is true to himself and Allah swt the wife should hear him out and give him a chance?

I am willing to do anything to get my wife and kids back i have had made a devoted promise to Allah SWT to treat my wife with love trust and respect. She says she is happy in Pakistan and never wants to come back to the UK how can I live like this? A wife should be were her husband is?

Should she give me a chance or divorce me as I really don't want her to. I am praying she gives me one chance to redeem myself?

She will only take me back if a scholar will justify that she should?

Please I really need to know if there is any hope. I really want to fix my marriage I am depressed without my children and wife in my life i am living with a huge amount of regret. I want to make it right and make my family whole again In Shaa Allah. I have had several panic attacks and anxiety attacks because i really love my children and wife but i feel like i have lost them 🙁

I am in desperate need for direction and guidance i have already been to the emergency twice for suicidal thoughts If i dont get my wife and children back I will be finished.


- Ali

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3 Responses »

  1. Talk to her / your family to convinve her
    Go to her, live with her where she is and prove your commitment by showing you care
    Send gift to her and children

  2. Brother:

    You made your wife and children miserable. After going down a bad path, behaving badly, your wife left with the children and THEN you realized many serious mistakes you have made. You even right now actually mentioned how a wife should behave when her unkind husband wants her to return to him stating "I have read a lot of articles online stating if man shows remorse and is true to himself and Allah swt the wife should hear him out and give him a chance." That takes a whole lot of nerve. There is no obligation for your wife to return to you. While you may have gotten yourself back on the right path, there is a very big chance your wife is still suffering from the pain you caused her and your children. You should not expect her to somehow believe you now and pick up where the two of you left off. Do not expect everyone to have sympathy for you now that you realize your mistakes. You also should know that a wife has every right to ask for a divorce from a man who has made her life miserable. She has a duty to herself and her children for them to be in a stable safe environment. It appears that is what she has done. This happens so often. A woman is abused, hurt or treated poorly by her husband. And somehow she is expected to forgive her husband if he apologizes.

    Right now, the best thing for you to do is to speak to a therapist or an imam about your suicidal tendencies. You seem to be indirectly using your instability to get your wife back. No woman wants to be in such a situation. Returning to a man who was harsh and demanding who NOW he wants to behave better -- and he is suicidal. This is an unfortunate situation. I do not want to be unkind, but I can not help but consider that possibility that you are a bit immature and self-absorbed.

    Despite what was suggested by someone else, sending her a gift is not enough to convince your wife to return to you. The suggestion is an insult thinking a gift might help repair the problem. A "gift" can not repair the damage you may have caused. It is not as if the two of you had an argument or you said something unkind to her. Keep in mind how badly you may have hurt your wife. Although now you may have resolved with yourself your personal failures, there is a good possibility she may still be suffering and trying to get over your bad behavior. The difficulty was so severe she left her home in one country and went to another country to get away from you.

  3. Sister Roses is quite right. You have not changed or learned anything at all.

    Your wife left because you were angry, aggressive, and controlling. You used to do things, you say, only to hurt her.

    Now you claim you have realized your mistakes and changed. But look, you are still looking for ways to control her. You read an article that says she "should" take you back. You want a scholar to tell her to take you back. You say, "A wife should be were her husband is."

    No, brother, no. You are still seeking ways to impose control to compel her to return. When will you understand that she is a free human being. She does not have to return to you. No rule, article or scholar can compel her to return. You cannot argue her into it, or "convince" her by logic or proofs.

    You have broken her trust in you. The only way she might return, is if you show her, personally, that she can trust you, and that will love her and treat her well. To do that will take an extended period of time in which you must be kind to her, generous, and sincere. It would be best if you can go to Pakistan, if not for a long time then maybe every time you have a vacation. Be there for her. Treat her with love. Show an interest in the kids - they are your own children for God's sake - and love them. And in the meantime, when you are in the UK, talk to her as often as possible on Skype or Whatsapp. Ask her about her day, make conversation, share jokes, compliment her.

    Stop trying to convince her to return. Don't even mention it. Instead, just focus on rebuilding the love and trust. I doubt you are capable of this. But if you can do it, I think you will get your wife back, inshaAllah.

    Wael Editor

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