I love him but I do not like his educational profile; Should I do Rukhsati or not?
Assalamualikum.
Please reply to me instantly. I am undergoing extreme depression, and I don't know what to do. I do istekhara daily but I am unable to find the answer.
The issue is that I was forced into a Nikkah by my father just 10 days after we received the proposal. My father liked the rishta because the guy has been doing business in Dubai. I never liked the proposal because the guy looks too old - his age was told to be 30 at the time of Nikkah, but it came out to be 33 and he looks far older than his age (I am just 24). He also doesn't have a good educational background just barely graduated, whereas I am an Engineer from a reputable University and have always been a position holder.
Also I did not want to go abroad leaving my family. The only plus point was that he was financially stable and runs his own business, which appealed my father. I also did Istekhara before the Nikkah but it came out to be negative, that is I was not satisfied with this marriage. I told my father about it but he did not agree saying that "because you have the above mentioned issues in mind hence your Istekhara cannot come out to be positive". I also consulted a reknowned Aalim-e-Deen, who also said that He did not find Khair (good) in this marriage.
My in laws forced my parents to do the Nikkah in just 10 days. My father could not even do a proper investigation, but he was so impressed with the proposal that he could not say "No" with the fear that they might go away. Hence despite the unwillingness of my heart and negativity of Istekhara, my father did my Nikkah on the prescribed date.
After just exactly one week of Nikkah, I received a call from a lady saying that the one I was married to was already married, and a father of two daughters. She said he drinks, is involved in cases, is sexually disabled and what not. I asked the lady to talk to my parents after which she called both my Mom and Dad. My father initially thought someone did all this out of jealousy, but when she called him again and again the entire family was shocked at that. The woman also made my father hear an audio conversation on the call between my Husband and his first wife.
I don't know if all this was true or fake, but it left a devastating effect on my heart and mind as I never heard such a thing in life before. My father investigated as much as possible with the help of his relatives in the UAE, but could not find any proof of his first marriage.
My husband gave me Kasm of the Kalimah that he would not get Kalimah at the time of death if he were ever married to anyone before me. My father was fully satisfied that such a thing did not exist and the call was fake and he fixed my marriage date. My husband talked to me on calls for the whole night and I started loving him because he seemed to be caring and kind hearted.
But as the marriage date came closer my heart started to worry a lot and I got into deep depression. Seeing my situation, my father asked to delay the marriage; my in laws acted very harshly about this. Seeing this harsh attitude and looking at my condition, my father filed a Khula case because my mother in law was having a very bitter attitude towards me and also I already was not happy with this marriage.
After the case, I was still not satisfied as I was really worried if I would be able to ever marry again. In our society it's a big thing for a Nikkah to end and usually the girl is accused of being problematic. No one gives a good proposal to such girl, although I belong to a good family and am highly educated engineer. I also have a good job but still this stain of Khula will not leave me anywhere.
Hence even after filing the khula case, I remained very depressed. My husband got very worried about it and he called my father again to apologize for his family's behavior and said that he would make everything right. He also said to my father not to worry as I don't have to live in the joint family and would live with him in Dubai. But his mother said she will live with us in Dubai and continues having harsh behavior with me.
As we filed Khula case his family turned very harsh and against this marriage, but my husband came all the way from Dubai to resolve the matter. His mother and sister did not want this marriage, but he wants to continue the relationship as he has developed a lot of love for me.
Please note that my age and education is ideal for my husband, whereas his profile is not at all like mine. It's just that he earns very well. He lacks in speaking and writing basic English and I don't like all this.
My question is, should I do Rukhsati after all that has happened just on account that my husband seems to love me and does not want to end the relationship? I do not like his profile at all, I have a complex that he is not well educated etc., hence I am not happy about marrying him. But at the same time I have developed extreme love for him because of Nikkah of course, and knowing the fact that he loves me too. If I was in in a Nikkah, I would never ever go for this marriage as he is not the person I always wanted for myself. I am now 25 and plus a Khula stain means problems in the marriage later. Also I will miss all the love my husband expressed to me saying he loved me a lot. I would also miss all the things we have talked on calls, all his future plans etc.
AHHH I don't know how I will tackle this miserable life without there being someone to call me, think about me, express love to me. I will go into isolation from being married to being single. I know my heart will die, but should I go for marriage based on these emotions and just because he seems to very caring and loving? Although I do not at all like his educational profile?
I do Istekhara, but my heart is depressed with both going ahead as well as going back. What should I do???? Please give me a fair opinion in the light of Quran and Sunnah of if I should do Rukhsati with this person or not. I don't want any regrets in the later part of my life about why I made such a decision.
Eagerly awaiting your prompt response, as I do not have much time for decision.
JazakAllah
- Mz
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Sister,
It is my own humble personal opinion that you should not go forward with this marriage at all. You are not even married and this mans mother and sister are already disrespecting you. You are so worried about the "stain of khula" that you are consumed by what others will think. Think about your life and your happiness. You are already worried about the fact that you are well educated and this man is not. The red flags are everywhere for you to see yet you keep questioning yourself. You have made Istikhara and what you felt was not good. Others cannot perform Istikhara for you and thus cannot tell you to disregard the Istikhara which you performed on your behalf. Don't listen to everyone else and what they want...listen to yourself...your heart and do what you feel is best for you.
Salam
This is what " I think" u seem lost and don't know what to do!!! You really need to think about this because marriage isn't a day or tow is for ever!!! And honestly if you love each other forget the mother/ sister because he loves you!!! If he listen to his mommy and sister then you will not be happy in this marriage!!! Is both ways. This is what make me mad why does his education mean so much to you! So what if you have education and he doesn't !!! He is a man he has a job be thankful to Allah for that because a man willl never be low of what he does at least in my country education doesn't matterr as long as he is nice treat u well. What about if he was a doctor/ lawyer he treat you so bad will you be happy? I don't think so!!! My point is don't look at his educational profile look how he treat u. And ur family!!!
Dear ,
let me tell you what had happened.As i was so stressful all after my nikkah i kept on doing the Istekhara daily.I didnt know what exactly to do as I never wanted to take khula since i could not find sound grounds for it.I left the matter to Allah and started to proceed with the marriage.In a matter of time,my ex-husband told me tht He did not have an MBA degree as he never found a need to issue this from his institution(his institution being of no worth,not HEC recognized as well).I am an NED(Worldwide recognized) graduate,an Engineer.Its been 11 years since he did his degree(if he really did).He made stupid excuses that at the time of passing out he didn’t have money for the degree and this and that.I said ok fine no issue,it could be possible but now he is a billioniar,now also he does not find it necessary to issue it.I was totally lost and discussed this with my father.I told my father that at the time of marraige he told us that he has done an MBA on which we agreed for this rishta.My mind got worried that if he had spoken a lie about his degree then their could be a possibility of cheat in the phone call matter as well.So my father asked his family very nicely as to why he did not have his degree.and he can issue it now there is no problem.Upon this,my husband and specially his mother voilently reacted.He called me and scolded at me and said he will never issue his degree since we asked him.I asked its ok leave it.But his mother made a big fuss out of it.She called me and insulted me and my parents so much that is of out of imagination.She said she will bring an illeterate girl for her son who would just respect him.Although I have always been very respecful to my husband.She called me"Market main bethi hue larki" since i was doing job..(Please note i did job even before my marraige with this man and agreed to leave the Job after rukhsati as I would go to Dubai).His mother said i end this rishta so so and so.I appologized from her alot.Called her three times to apologize from me and my father’s side.Although I knew there was no mistake on our part.If there are confusion,you can always clear them before going ahead.(and sister since the phone call,there was always a doubt in everything).I apologized too much and she kept on insulting me and my parents very very harshly.i just kept on listening and saying ammi you took it wrong it was not like that.She threatened me to marry her son and do his nikkah this very friday.
Then i told my husband about it and he was just ok with it.He never says that his mother was wrong.I was feeling terrible not on my insult but my parents insult.Still since i loved him.I ignored all this.Then my husband came to karachi.we met up and after that he brought his family to my house.Each side made an apology over the past and statred to build new relationship.Then my rukhsati date was also fixed about 1 and half month later.I and entire family was happy.so was my husband.
The next day the Rishte wali auntie called at my house saying that my mother in law has said that"Tuesday wednesday tak Resignation letter hamare ghar pohnch jana chahye" meaning resignation letter should reach our house till tuesday wednesday,She said this on Saturday.
I and my family did not like this behaviour of my mother in law.It was already decided that I would quit my job after the rukhsati as I will go to Dubai.But this gunda gardi behavior showed she just want her orders fulfilled like as if na Auzobillah she is a God.
we did not respond to them rather I decided that I will talk to my husband that I would resign at a latter time like after utilizing my 50 leaves that I had in my account.As always I thought he would have no issue over that.
My husband left for Dubai on Sunday night I talked to him on the phone.Before talking to me he first talked to his mother on phone,took dictation from her as to what he has to tell me and then called me.From the start of the call he knew what I was about to talk to him.So he himself started and asked me to go tommorow and then dont take my step out of the house from the next day.I requested him very politely that I would ofcourse resign at a latter time and my resignation process takes 1 month even if I resign now(beacuase I am in an Strategic organization which requires security clearance this and that) but he told me no need he would get me out of there by terminating me.Termination means you are blacklisted and can never work in any govt.org in future).but my husband started shouting badly on me.I did not react just requested him to let me continue my routine till rukhsati after which i will ofcourse resign.He continued shouting and then immidiately he said "When I am in stress I take vine",I was shocked,i said"What you take vine,He said yes one or two bottles when in stress.I confirmed many times from him and every time he answered in the affirmitive.I still could not believe and asked him on call again on which he said he was joking.Can this be a joke????In such a critical situation where marriage is already in danger he is talking about those things which are Haraam in Islam(my family being religious he knows).The one who gave us a phone call also told us that he drank(Allah knows the truth).
I told my parents about it and they totally went aginst this person but I convinced them saying that I will make him on the right path.About resignation,after seeing his behaviour I started finding out its procedure etc got information about it from my office and finally decided to resign on Thursday.The day I was about to resign he called me up in the night ,apologized for his bad behavior and said that he had no issue with my job.I can continue till whenever I wanted and made plans for our future life,expressed love etc and made a long call.I asked him to call my father and tell him that whatever he said about the vine was all wrong and that he bimistakenly said that.But he refused to call my father.I asked him twice or thrice but he refused afterwhich my father called him up after 2 days and just talked to him very nicely as he always did.He statrted very harshly with my dad that this girl does this and that,she did not leave job on my order(although just the day I was about to resign,he said don’t resign and that he had no issue) and this and that.And further said now my family is not agree on this marriage etc etc (As if I was married to his family for them to agree upon).Then I texted him to him to ask what happened just two days back you were alright,the matter was all sort out now what happened??He said you lost me,now everything is over etc etc…
I could not understand anything..He kept on saying call his mom at 12 in the night.I said I will call in the morning.I made him so many calls in the night to ask what was wrong but he did not pick my call.I could not sleep the whole night.In the morning my phoppo my fathers sister called his Mom to ask what to do next and what was wrong so she said that My husband has signed the Divorce papers.
What????
I was completely shoked as to Y?????I still have no answer..Y he did all this when everything was solved,date was fixed etc etc..He did not even ask me.His family specially his mother was too much jealous of me.She did not like his sons inclination towards me.So His family members must have pressurized him to get rid of me.But can he do this to me????We loved each other so much!!!He always said he was so happy top have a righteous as well as educated wife and that I was making him a perfect muslim!!Then suddenly what happened!!
I still don’t know..He did not sign on Khula papers and requested my father to reconsiliate and when everything was resolved he divorced me for no reason!!!!!How will he justify himself before Allah???
There were so many things I tolerated for this man-A big phone call against him(saying so many bad things against him),his lack of education,his big age,his mothers extremely harsh attitude and even the Vine thing which he said I let go all these matters just for the sake of Love and Nikkah!!
But what about him.There were all positives in me for him-Highly educated(which was his first demand for a girl),11 years younger to him,quite beautiful than him,very righteous and most of all loved him like hell which he himself knew!!!
He did not even find it necessary to ask me or inform me what he was about to do!!!He could have let me know what issues he was facing with regard to his family and we both could find a way out!!
Divorce is the most hatred thing is the sight of Allah of all allowed things!
And Divorce is being used as an Escape path to avoid chick chick and complains of his family..
What should I understand from this???Have I made any mistake here.I tried my level Best even as I got to know he has divorced,I called him 500 times on which he just picked the call only once.I begged him crying very badly that please don’t sign the Divorce papers I cant live without you.I have developed too much love for you cannot think og making somebody else my husband!Begged him for the sake of Allah not to do this Zulm on me.But he silently cancelled the call without any reply ans after 2 days we received the divorce papers.
O Allah!!!I don’t know what this was!?Why did he divorce me??I cant find the answer to this question.He loved me so much and I loved him more than everything.He made family planning and expressed too much love just two days back!!Is he a normal human being???Or does he really drink and now he is thinking how I would face this girls family as they also came to know about it.But it was as simple as that that he should have called my father and said that he just said this wrongly and he never drank.why was he being reluctant to call my father?
Ever since this incident till date,I have lost my voice due to the shock.I cry so much and always remain in depression since I find that this Divorce is unjustified and for no reason!!If he did this for his family ,how will he justify himself before Allah!!!???
As far as I am concerned,Should I think that Allah did not want this marriage to commusate(as I had made very frequent istekhara’s almost daily)??or is this a punishment for me for any mistake??
I really don’t know why all this happened.Allah wanted to save me from something?But Allah never likes divorce then why would he decide a divorce for me??
What should I think and comfort myself.I am really very heart broken.This man who loved me so badly didn’t even bother to ask me before making a decision of his and mine life!!!Is divorce the escape path from small troubles.
My life was in more danger as I had to leave my house, my job ,my parents everything but still despite of being a girl I did not give up just to prevent the sacredness of Nikkah and because of the feelings that had been developed between two of us.But he did not think about anything.Even If I made small argument at times its not a big issue as there is not a single couple on this earth who does not make an argument.I never disrespected him ever.Difference of opinion always exist between two people and it can never be a cause of divorce.Although I agreed to all his demands in the End.Why did all this happen????
How should I take this matter and comfort myself now.
Please reply me as soon as possible!!
Munazza , I , very much facing ur situation, I m also doing istakhara , n I don't want my marriage to be broken.... I also got a huge fight with his family.. But things have cooled up now, . Don't know what should I do... As far as u are concerned, people make huge mistakes, divorece is never a punishment, since you were making istakhara I m pretty sure it's all for your good, n Allah knows that u will get a good match Inshallah... And don't think divorce is a stain or anything, Allah will never leave you as u were doing istakhara, it's my Eemaan that Allah has do e everything for ur betterment . He is surely a drinker as his behaviour shows, and just imagine ur life if that phone call is true. Thank Allah that HE has secured u from a bad husband.. May Allah boss u... Plz remember me in prayers as I m facing a terrible situation of dilemma theses days...
Sister,
Lets be honest here. If anyone I know worked towards a degree whether it be a bachelors, masters or doctorate...they are going to want that degree. Why? Because they have worked very hard for it. No one is going to complete all those years in school and say, "I don't need my degree", it doesn't matter. It would matter to any sane person who has pursued a higher education. If such a degree existed, which you know it does not...he would readily show it to you. He doesn't have it, never worked for it, end of story.
However, the fact that he is a self made man and money is no issue for him is great. Many men and women the world over have not finished a higher education but had motivation from within to do well for themselves. Five of the top billionaires in the world are self made. Nothing wrong with that. Some people, like one of my older sons is already in the corporate world. As much as I would like him to complete his masters, he says he is done with school. He has drive and ambition and for that Inshallah, he will go far.
The fact is...you cannot build a marital foundation on a pack of lies. You sound like a very intelligent woman and at this point in time, I think your ex husband did you a favor. He admittedly drinks alcohol and from the way he and his mother have treated you and your parents, he does not deserve you at all. Dry your tears sister, they fall on a man not worthy of a single one of them. May Allah heal your heart and your pain and help you move on.
Salam
Asalamoalaikum Dear Sister,
You seem like a well mannered and intellectual female so I want you to really think about what I'm going to say to you.
After reading your post, I see your divorce as a blessing in disguise from Allah swt. You are very emotionally invested in your ex-husband (which makes total sense since you were married to him and sincere in wanting to make it work) which is why you are so confused with the outcome of your divorce.
He did not divorce you because he drinks wine, he did not divorce you because he does not love you, he divorced you because he is a weak man who doesn't understand the value of marriage and is easily persuaded by his highly insecure and jealous mother. This divorce has taken place because Allah swt knows that it is in your best interest to stay away from such a person who does not value marriage the way it should be valued (I don't care how many times he's said he loves you, or he's told you about his desires regarding future family planning. Love is a verb, it is an action.). He may be older in age but he's really immature for divorcing you the way he did, by letting his mother tell your family his decision. It has been said that even when one gets divorced, do so with kindness. He has displayed immense cruelty, let Allah swt take care of him.
I want you think about this carefully: this man could not even tell his mother that she was not to disrespect his wife or his in laws by speaking to them harshly, taunting or raising her voice. What would you expect from such a person?
If you were in my shoes right now, you'd see that in the long term this divorce has done you good. You can now find yourself a better husband who knows how to follow deen properly and does not use deen to his advantage by cherry picking what he likes and discards what doesn't work to his interest.
Lastly, I understand the stain of being a "divorcee" in South Asian culture (as I am from that culture myself) but dear sister, no body came to your home to support you when your ex-mother in law was abusing your family and yourself. You need to live for yourself. People will never be quite, but your trust in Allah swt is what matters. You were innocent in all this, so trust that He has something better for you inshAllah. He is the best of planners.
Lastly, I highly suggest you sit down and have a strict talk with your parents. I repeat, they CANNOT force you to marry someone without your consent. Please take this as a lesson. If you feel something is wrong from the get go, say no and do no budge from your decision. Parents aren't always right.
-Helping Sister
Thanx brother ahmed but I just get worried that what if he's not a bisexual and I just end my marriage due to this' doubt.. Is there any way to test that?
Assalaamualaikam
Islamically, if you have had a nikah, then to the best of my knowledge, this man is Islamically your husband, and such a bond shouldn't be casually discarded. Rather than thinking about social standing and what others may think, look at the things that truly matter. Is he of good character and deen? Does he treat you with respect and kindness? Is he someone with whom you can see yourself strengthening your own faith?
Qualifications are not the same as intelligence, and if someone has the drive to do so, they can return to education at any point in their life (and 33 isn't that old, really, when you think that people are increasingly living well into their 80s and beyond). If his education is a major stumbling block, why not talk about it and give him encouragement and support to further his knowledge?
You seem to have a lot of anxieties about this relationship, which it might help to discuss with your husband, as ultimately only the two of you can decide whether to stay together. Rather than having him make extravagant promises, sit down and talk with him about your feelings, the events that have concerned you, and your thoughts about the future - he can then share his own feelings and thoughts, and inshaAllah the two of you can be honest with each other without other people getting involved.
Pray istikhara and trust in Allah to guide you to that which is best for you for this life and the next, then follow what you feel to be the right course of action.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Hey I am just 19 just 19 ... my husband is 30 he lives in Canada no degree nothing just a job with 5k$ my father and mother got me nikahfied because of the case .. he doesn't have any degree but he does normal job and he loves me more than anything he superior me more than his family he gives me so much importance although he allows me to study and do whatever I want ... but the thing is that he has not good educational status thus he is so so insecure for so much ... he gets angry when I am with my Male cousins he is afraid that I wont break the nikah he doesn't allow me to do anything he is afraid I have this torture I am afraid would he allow me to study there .. will his insecurity finish when we ll together??
Please reply
As-salam-alaikum dear Sister.
I am not some scholar but to my best knowledge, islamically, firstly as our prophet said to marry the one based on her/his deen (praciticisng religion) and character. obviously Nikah should be valid in light of Islam. So this is basic requirements islamically and in your case, only you know if your husband is a practicing Muslim and bears good moral character and if your nikah was done properly. That’s all first that matters. It seems that your nikah was done properly. Now about your husband, if he is a good practicing Muslim with moral character and you find him courteous, kind and moderate in his thinking and behavior , then I don’t think bunch of degrees should matter as such. Education means to become a better person in your thinking and behavior. English is just a language like any other. there are crores of people on this earth who dont speak this language but are surviving happily. What matters is if your mother tongue is same so two people can communicate. If your husband differ from above, then certainly its not worth to spend your rest of your life with him for one reason or another. If you feel having inferiority complex for his lower education than yours or due to his not able to speak a language (English), then this issue would not let you accept the relationship wholeheartedly. So you should determine things in light of above. I have seen people who though hold hi fi degrees and diplomas in terms of education but lack the opposite in practical life. Some of them were worse in their dealings and character than uneducated people. I feel that you are too much stressing on one point – education. Marriage is not just about having an educated or professionally qualified husband. So change your focus and see things in light of what I have said above.You are masha-allah quite educated and you can help your husband to improve his English and can encourage him for higher education.
About family, as you said that his family is against you now then definitely things will be very difficult for you as it will be a life long relationship with them all. but if your husband is really good and you think that you are capable of dealing with your mother/sister in law, then you should give it a chance. but don’t take an emotional decision (just because you are feeling love for him) as if you fail to keep your promise, it will not only complicate things further but would hurt your husband apart from you.
Having said that no doubt that divorce is most disliked in Islam but you should not surrender or submit yourself (when you find yourself that you cant or are unable to live your life with this man or his family) just because feeling afraid of becoming a divorcee. Its not a stain as society thinks or you are thinking due to pressure of society. But if you are not able to run this relationship, it will affect not only you but many other lives as well like of your husband, your parents, his parents etc.
So you must think of everything in light of Islam and considering your capabilities and emotions. Don’t take any emotional decision as it will lead you nowhere. Think practical and decide everything as at the end of the day, you are the only one who knows your circumstances and your capabilities. only you can determine what you want to do and what you can do. decide carefully and do istikhara with a positive and free mind & heart and make lots of dua to Allah (Swt) to make things easy for you. Recite Al Qudoos 100 times a day to fight anxiety. Insha-allah things will turn better with your (whatever) decision. aameen
Your Sister
First I would like to say that the person’s deen is the first virtue that needs to be assessed.
Sister, I can completely understand where you’re coming from when it comes to the educational background. I find education extremely important, and I think it’s very important that spouses match or at least balance each other’s educational levels.
I’m actually in the same predicament as you are, except for the fact that you’re actually married. I’m very hesitant to get married because of the difference in our educational levels. The reason that it bothers me isn’t a shallow reason at all. I’m not worried about status, how much money he’ll make, or what kind of car he’ll drive if he’s not educated. However, the one thing that bothers me is the difference in mentality. From my personal experience, I felt that due to the lack of his education, our conversations had no point, lifeless, and dull. I grew up with a family that played science riddles around the dinner table. So I’m naturally gravitated towards conversations that have substance, and open minded people to learn from.
I have been involved with this person for two years now, hoping that my feelings about his lack of education will change. However, the more times that passes, the more I become convinced that it won’t work. He’s been saying that he will and wants to go to school, but nothing yet. I just can’t see myself living with some one that doesn’t value knowledge and its quest.
This is my opinion and my view. I by no means telling you it’s not going to work, because every situation is different wa Allahu alam….I hope the best for you.
My case is similar, i don't know if to go further or not 🙁
Sister,
Listen to your gut instinct...it is usually right.
Salam
Got married 8 months with a Muslim guy in uk, hav lived for 1.5 months together as I m in Pakistan n didn't have visa. We have been having fights on fone n when he was here sometimes he was nice n sometimes really bad n rude. I performed istakhara before marriage n got a negative dream but got married somehow. Now it's time for me to go to uk n join him, but I wanted to do istakhara. Because he's sexually unfit n takes some medicine for matting. I don't know if his problem is curable or if he's a bisexual, ( I doubt because he DIdnot show proper intense feelings during matting with me) . he sometimes admit that he has a problem n he wil go to a dr with me when n sometimes he says that he doesnot hav any problem. He says he's not a bisexual or anything like that. Now when I started performing istakhara we had a huge fight n marriage was about to end. But now things r calm n its peace between us, but that fight has changed his rude attitude to positive towards me. I hav been performing for many days once saw a blue shade in dream, n heard a voice that it's a bad choice( but it was when I was not in deep sleep) but don't see anything properly. I don't want divorce at all. All worldly signs r helpful foe me to ho n live with him but istakhara is not very positive... Don't know which to follow... I m not sure that dream was proper according to istakhara details or not ...plz gv a quick advice as I don't have much time to decide...
Dear Restless,
First off, even without istikhara or anything else, this person you are about to live with seems suspicious. I also believe that this shouldve been gauged before marrying the guy.
Also, istikhara is not about having a dream, it is about Allah making the right decision easier for you which in this case has not been the case as you mentioned the fights etc.
In conclusion, i would suggest you discuss your qualms and your gut feeling with the elders in your family. its still not too late to change things.
Ahmed
please remove this post kindly please..
Assalamu alaykum Dear Sister MZ,
Please correct me if I am wrong, but from what I understand, you were not able to do istikharah prior to your nikah but have done it since and you remain unsure? I am not an alimah and believe that ultimately you would benefit from consulting a shaykh.
But to give you a clearer perspective of where a woman forced into marriage stands, there is no doubt that she is allowed to nullify this marriage due to having being forced into it.
1. Narrated AbuHurayrah: "The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: An orphan virgin girl should be consulted about herself; if she says nothing that indicates her permission, but if she refuses, the authority of the guardian cannot be exercised against her will. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2088)"
2. Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as having said: "A woman without a husband (or divorced or a widow) must not be married until she is consulted, and a virgin must not be married until her permission is sought. They asked the Prophet of Allah (may peace be upon him): How her (virgin's) consent can be solicited? He (the Holy Prophet) said: That she keeps silence. (Translation of Sahih Muslim, The Book of Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 008, Number 3303)"
You say you have started to love your husband, but could you just have fallen in love with the idea of being in love? Reflect on this sister and if you find that to be true then follow your heart - meaning get out if you want. As this nikah was forced on you, you will not be held accountable for ending it. On the other hand if you find that you really do love him then ignore his educational shortcomings and see if his deen is at least up to the basic level it should be. From what I've read however, it seems he is lacking there too. Being highly educated does not mean once has common sense, or piety - the thing that makes one a good muslim.
Lastly, imo, seldom does a marriage survive the evils of a conniving mother-in-law with a tongue like a samurai. Based on common sense alone, I can say that there will always be problems as far as your in laws are concerned. Only Allah can guide them, but we don't know if they deserve that. So putting your head into a lion's den knowing his nature isn't a wise idea. This marriage would only stand a chance if you and your husband were to live far away from your in laws and you weren't expected to be at their beck and call to serve them as the indo-pak culture dictates.
May Allah forgive me if I said anything wrong or unknowingly guided you toward what is wrong. All bad is from me and all good is from Allah. May Allah guide you to do what is best for you. I strongly advise you to listen to your heart, since what you feel is the result of making istikhara. Allah is already guiding you.
Love & duas dear sister in Islam.