Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Save my 18 months old baby!

Baby with bottle

Baby.

salam... Pls advice me on what to do. My husband beats our one and half year old mercilessly over small things like climbing cushions, urinating in living room, playing on the corridor, touching things around the house etc.

My husband has no regards to my pleas even if i do.. My baby has marks on his hands and buttocks now..

Pls how do i handle this, i dont want to be bringing children into this world just to suffer... He always claims he is a displenarian he is training our child to be good in the future.

- Rukayyat


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51 Responses »

  1. Sister this is child abuse!! Get yourself and your child away from this man! Do you have friends or family close by who you can go to for support? This is illegal and unacceptable!!! You need to get social services involved asap!!! If you are in England take your child to your gp and tell them about the situation they will help you and contact social services for you. Don't let him wreck your child's life both physically and mentally. Pls seek help urgently. Beating a one and half year old for trivial things is not discipline, it's cruelty !!

    • I think she is from Nigeria, a country part of which is ruled by Boko Haram a group which kidnapped 200 non-Muslim girls and forcibly converted them to Islam. This week the group bombed a mosque killing 100 Muslims. It seems like Nigeria is just like Somalia, Pakistan where poor people don't get justice.

      In Pakistan recently a 6yr old girl was raped and killed by an Imam just because girl happened to be a Shia. Police will arrest some one else and DNA will not much and Imam will go FREE.

      How many people know last week one Christian couple was beaten to death by a mob lead by an Imam because some one blamed them for Blasphemy. Couple was burned after death in a kiln in the presence of four Police men. Relatives of these people say the couple was killed because of some money dispute. Every thing I mentioned is from Internet News.

      In these countries MEN can get away with any thing.

      I have a feeling the man in question beats his wife also.
      I can't even imagine how can a man beat his 1.5 years old son mercilessly. Readers like Recovering are justifying this behavior by quoting Islamic information.

      • @SVS

        You are right OP is a 33 yr old from Nigeria. It is a fully male dominated country and domestic violence against women in Nigeria is rampant. The laws are loosely implemented and policing is lax. Reports made by brutalised women to the police often end up being trivialised and more than often, the women are told to return home to beg their partners for the purposes of an amicable settlement.

        I never tried to justify the man's behaviour but objected to the action suggested by the sisters, which was calling the police, as it might get the wife into more trouble. The man might have some mental problems, its possible he might harm the baby and his wife severely for being reported & end the marriage abruptly.

        The only reason my comment has attracted so much attention was because I wrote a 'man husband has all the rights to discipline his child and wife and "hitting" is a practice which is not forbidden in Islam, but not encouraged', now this has set the cat among the pigeons:)

        @Editors It would be helpful if it is made mandatory for the people posting a question on the site to disclose the name of the country they reside as well as their ethnicity/race, as it would definitely help the readers frame their answers accordingly, I sure it would not compromise their anonymity.

        • yes bro/sis u got it all right... Issues like involvn police wouldnt help, if not i'll have done just that, but thank God with help us family and friends gradually he's gettn it right since this post he has never beat my baby even once again, am a nigerian,, Yes

          • @Rukayyat

            Relieved to know that you & your baby are doing well. As I had advised, the issue was resolved by talking to family & friends. Also I found the suggestions by other sisters like running away with the baby & calling the police (especially in Nigeria)over-the-top as it would have risked your marriage, glad to know your hubby is not a wife beater:-)

          • If it's indeed true that he has stopped beating the child, Alhamdulillah. However, I find it unlikely. He might have stopped briefly due to family pressure. But abusers like this usually do not simply stop or change. If he returns to his abusive ways then I caution you sister Rukayyat that you are responsible morally and before Allah for the safety of your child. You must not allow this child to continue to be tormented or you will answer to Allah. Furthermore, abused children often become abusers when they grow up, continuing the destructive cycle.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • May Allah keep you and your child safe Sister Rukayyat.

            As Br. Wael has mentioned, please do be careful because abusers do not suddenly change--I know this first hand and hope that what you have said remains to be true, but if it doesn't, I hope you do the right thing, Inn shaa Allah.

      • trust me he never beats his wife,

  2. Sister,

    For the sake of your child, please notify authorities. No child deserves to be abused no matter what the circumstances. Please don't allow your child to become a statistic, do something before it is too late.

    Salam

    • 100% Correct.

    • Notifying the authorities/police will not get him arrested and jailed.

      His own illegal and violent actions, however, will get him arrested and jailed.

      • @Saba and Leylani

        I Don't See What All The Fuss Is About.

        The doubts about wife beating in Islam have already been dealt with in the comments section of the following article on this sites homepage.

        http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/wife-beating/

        The claim that the word beating in the Quran is a mistranslation has been comprehensively refuted by Abu Abdul Bari(IslamicAnswers.com Editor) and brother Ali(علي بن عبد الله آل الشيخ‎).

        @Editors
        Its highly offensive to read some sisters get emotionally charged-up & advise the female posters with martial issues to end their marriages directly or indirectly without asking them to explore other options to address their problems

        • Recovering @Editors
          Its highly offensive to read some sisters get emotionally charged-up & advise the female posters with martial issues to end their marriages directly or indirectly without asking them to explore other options to address their problems

          What do think OP should do in this case? If This woman does any thing he will beat her badly. He is the kind of guy who may even throw acid on her or kill her. A man who beats his 1.5 yr old son has a serious mental problem and should be seen by a psychiatric or examined for a Jinn doctor.

    • He deserves to be arrested and jailed, and getting a divorce sounds like is in the child's best interest - so Najah has given this lady excellent advice 🙂

      Only a monster beats a baby up! It's not the child that needs disciplining, it's this man - and going to jail might be the thing to teach him that you don't abuse your child in any way.

      • Yes ..Send him to Jail first .
        Its better if you don't stay with him .

      • The mother is obviously in some doubt as to what's in the child's best interest, that's why she is asking us on here what she should do. We are not judging anyone, we are just saying beating up a child "mercilessly" is WRONG AND ILLEGAL, and a person who does this to a baby is seriously sick in his head and needs to be removed from the baby to save the baby from further damage. It's not this woman's job to fix her ADULT husband on the expense of her own CHILD's wellbeing, or even life. If her husband one days hits the child just that little bit too hard, and the child dies as a consequence from his father's hard beatings, how is this woman supposed to live with herself? It's her job as a mother to first and foremost protect her baby. Her husband is an adult man, he can look after himself. A baby cannot.

        It's sickening to see people like you put marriage above everything else in the world. Like being married IS all Islam is about. But not all divorces go through for invalid, "stupid" reasons - not all people that get a divorce are "ridiculous" people who don't tolerate much. Islam is accepted in Islam, and abuse is a very valid Islamic reason to leave a marriage for. It's just cruel, inhumane and unislamic to talk like Muslims are supposed to tolerate anything in a marriage so long they can still breathe and hav a beating heart. So should this mother wait till her child is killed by his father's beatings before there's a good reason for her to leave him?

        This man is doing something very illegal, so it's only right that he should suffer the consequences of his actions. Such is life. We all have to do it, why should this man be the only one to get a wild card from beating this little child? This mother's first priority shouldn't be her husband and her marriage to him, but the little innocent baby that gets a good beating for doing what it is babies NORMALLY do. It's not normal for a father to beat his child for crawling on furniture - there'd be something wrong with the child if it ddn't do things like that!

      • Assalam alaikum Editors,

        I hope that we are not sending to the message to general readers that Islam condones disciplining children (& wife) through hitting. This child has been hit mercilessly as the OP writes which results in marks on the body. Further remarks downplaying slapping a wife only propagate abuse. Let's stay on topic here. Perhaps an Editor could comment here, JazakAllah.

        Not only is it offensive to read that someone would condone abuse as dicipline, but to claim that as being part of Islam, only offends further.

        I understand people who post on this website do not represent the general population and often write about serious problems -- their problems are not about pillow fights or what cereal to buy for breakfast.

        As mentioned by Sr. Midnightmoon below, it isn't difficult for a grown man to hurt a 1.5 year old child.

      • @Recovering,

        It is not only WRONG but ILLEGAL to hit a baby - 18 months. A baby cannot be disciplined in this stage, they are in the stage of exploring the world! AND hitting the baby merciless IS NOT discipline.

        I am sorry to say that your comment is very disturbing and made me feel unrest. The husband has a serious issue and noone want to wait the tragedy to happen as there are so many signs showing that he is dangerous to the baby and the wife.

        There is no "hitting" women in Islam!! It is so WRONG! Some muslims like you will misunderstood and then represent the community to justify to abuse women. I am so offended to hear that.

      • You are not allowed to hit women and babies in Islam.

      • Assalaamualaikam

        What's 'highly offensive' is to read people saying "I don't know what all the fuss is about" when discussing child abuse. The "fuss" is that this is WRONG. And so long as people continue to try to justify or minimise it, children's lives are being destroyed by it.

        With regards your comment that the husband has all the right to discipline his wife and child, I'd point out that this isn't disciplining. This is aggression and violence.

        The child is 18 months old. 18-month-old children play with things, climb on things and pass urine/bowel movements in the wrong places. That's normal. If an 18-month-old child wasn't doing those things, I'd be worried. So, there's actually nothing to discipline the child for!

        There isn't a unanimous opinion among scholars regarding the translation of "idribuhunna", and I'd suggest that you read the article on this website (to which I believe you posted a link earlier). Even if you remain of the opinion that the translation means "to beat" (or any variation on that), this is the last course of action mentioned. First, admonish or advise them. Then, impose a sanction/punishment. Both of these actions require that the person who has done something wrong has the capacity to understand admonishment/advice or to understand that the punishment is a consequence of something they have done or not done. An 18-month-old child can't do those things. So, regardless of what translation you consider to be correct, there is no way that it is permissible to be physically violent towards a baby or toddler.

        Nobody, whether they are Muslim or not, should have to endure oppression or abuse. Allah's teachings are clear on this, and His Prophets and Messengers (peace be upon them all) demonstrated through their own actions that we cannot allow innocents to be harmed.

        Midnightmoon
        IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Recovering,
      By the time "other channels" has been explored, the baby could have been beated so hard and mercilessly by his father that he's dead from the injuries. This matter is not exactly a matter you take your time with doing something about. There's no time to explore "other channels". This man is blatantly abusive and is doing something that is very harmful and illegal. He should be reported and learn he needs to deal with his abusive tendencies. Period.

    • Recovering: Slight beating of one's wife to discipline her is allowed in Islam according to majority of scholars.

      What is slight beating?

    • @Recovering,

      REPORT HIM NOW AND NOW AND RIGHT NOW!! This is not an extreme step!!!! He is hurting a human being. If you know it is illegal and you don't report it, you are also committing the same crime, do you understand? Do you understand what is abuse? If the OP is telling the truth, this is a case of serious abuse - a baby!

      Under what circumstance that the husband can "slightly beat" the wife? How to define it?

      • I also do not believe in wife beating at all. I will never allow a husband to hit me and I would divorce him immediately. Muslim women do not have to be passive. This baby is in danger. The priority of the mother should be the baby not the husband. Too many women are weak and do not protect their children. Oppression is not allowed of a baby or child in Islam. Babies are delicate and they can easily be killed. I worked with brain damaged babies and children. A boy was shaken so much by parents that he was brain damaged. This is a crime even if it is allowed in some cultures. Protect your baby!!

    • If you disagree with sisters, you are disagreeing only based on gender as Br. Logical, Mullah Naseeruddeen and Ali have said the same thing that you disagree with.

      • @Saba

        If you disagree with sisters, you are disagreeing only based on gender as Br. Logical, Mullah Naseeruddeen and Ali have said the same thing that you disagree with

        Wow......Never expected this coming from a veteran & esteemed poster like you and I thought personal attacks were not tolerated on this site. If I am gender biased, as you make out, then I would have never praised you or other sisters on the comments on other posts. Its not necessary for all Brothers or for that matter Sisters to have the same views.

        • Recovering ,

          I think you are still recovering 🙂

          No it is not acceptable to hit such a young kid (even if he was older too) and in this complex world you never how this person will behave in future .What if some of his hitting proves to be fatal for the kid ? The mother should be extremely careful about this behaviour and better she should take her kid to some other place .

          Islam doesn't allow this type of behaviour .

          • @logical totally agree with you too.

          • @Logical.

            I don't doubt your logic here. ☺

          • @ Logical

            Agreed.

          • @Logical

            I think as always, most of your comments are illogical 🙂

            I strongly condemn child beating and have asked her to act immediately.

            Running away with the child is not a solution, as it might plunge the mother & child into lifelong misery and trouble.

            We need to understand OP resides in a third world country(Nigeria) and not in the west, where the women are pampered and can expect prompt police action/justice, enjoy social security allowance, single mother support (allowance),child care support, free food coups, hand-outs etc from their governments.

          • @recovering it don't matter where the women are from if they are unfortunate to be in this situation. Islamically this behavior is not acceptable PERIOD.

            The child needs protecting Nigeria or West it don't matter. OP get your child away from this monster. This is child abuse.

            Oh BTW how do you know this person is from Nigeria. All we could know this person may be from the UK. So stop misleading the OP message to mr know it all.

          • Above it says: Posted by Rukayyat. If you click on her name, you will find that information states she is a 33 year old from Nigeria.

            I agree with you that the child needs to be away from this man - one intense shake could cause serious damage or death.

            It is extremely sad that one has tho choose between the lesser of 2 evils - clearly, this child needs a safe(r) haven.

          • @ Saba

            Thanks for clearing 'Samina's' doubt, Pakistan is no better than Nigeria,when it comes law & order & treating women, hundreds of acid attacks on women are reported each year from Pakistan but hardly anyone gets jailed, you should know better, its your country of origin.

          • running away with her child is an solution for her to do especially if that's the only child she has and her way of keeping to protect it from that monster and she can stop all this from being more logical about it as mothers natural instincts for her to do and she knows this. That's why she has asked the advise here.

            I really hope she takes the advises that make sense and acts upon it inshAllah.

  3. Assalamualaikum Sister,

    If you are in some western country then contact Social Serviced immediately. If you don't know how to contact them then reply back with your country and I am sure someone will be able to look up that information for you.

    On the other hand if you are in Indo-Pak, Arab or even South Asian country then go to your parents house and tell them about his abuse. If that is not possible then try to get someone wise involved. If you are unable to find an immediate solution then make sincere prayers to Allah and Inshallah he will present an opportunity for you.

    It maybe very hard to communicate to your husband but maybe you can politely tell him that if there are bruises then he is being too harsh. He shouldn't be hitting the child of that age in the first place but this might soften him a little bit. Another tactic that you may try is that if your child does something that is displeasing to him then before he has chance to react you can start disciplining the child. Although these are not going to be permanent solutions. It seems that he just needs an excuse to vent anger.

    May Allah make it easy on you and your family.

    • alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, this piece really help my situation, i work with it for a month now, and yes, masha Allah, may Allah reward u for this, since then no more beatn from him, in his presence i do show my baby a small whip 'dont do it again' is dat all right? And he do understands some words now, i handle him d father doesnt... Family and friends that i talk to, really help d situation.

  4. Salaam Sister,

    You won't be raising a child to suffer, if he doesn't survive infancy. Do you understand me Sister? It is very easy for a baby to be murdered. Leave. Worry about his issues and your marriage, after you have done your duty as a mother and protected the child.

    with urgency,

    Hana

  5. Run away sister. Please go to your parents, friends, neighbourhoods and report him to the police. Kids are very fragile, one hit could break them. Take pictures as evidence and call the police. Don't hesitate. You are this baby's mom, don't let anything happen to him, it's your job to protect him.

  6. i think your husband has some mental issues and you should take him to a psychatrist. And if your living in the west, than why are you so scared. Call the auhtorities and get him arrested for child abuse.

  7. Rukayyat,

    Sweetheart, that precious little baby is your first 'priority here!! Both you & the baby need to pack up & leave immediately & get to some kind of 'shelter'!! This is nothing but 'child abuse'!! He will hit that child to the point that he may even inflict permanent damage to it!! That kind of behaviour is intolerable!!

    No matter what country you live in, you must seek help from some kind of authority!! Seek help from family members if you can. You need their help to get you through this, too.

    Whether it is in a Muslim or Western culture there is absolutely no excuse for this & can result in jail terms.

    That is certainly not disciplinarian behaviour!! Your precious little baby is far too young to understand what he is doing!! It breaks my heart to here this is happening!!

    Please seek help immediately!!

  8. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    You have written:
    My husband beats our one and half year old mercilessly
    The reason for why anyone would beat an infant is not important.

    As already mentioned in the comments above, involve Social Services and if the authorities are not reliable where you live, then go to your parents and involve the elders in your family.

    Your husband's behaviour is the kind of behaviour that warrants the need of involvement of someone from the outside--how much worse is it supposed to get?

    May Allah ease your difficulties and protect your child, Ameen.

  9. Assalaamualaikam

    Your husband isn't "disciplining" your son, he's abusing him. It's a common trick used by abusers, that they claim to be "teaching discipline" or that their victim somehow deserves the treatment. Your son is an innocent child, and deserves to be protected from this.

    However much you care for your husband, your child must be your first priority. Staying in this situation means risking your child's life. Young children are very fragile - if your husband is beating your child, they are at risk of broken bones, damage to internal organs, brain damage, even death. I'm sorry to scare you, but that's how important it is that you protect your child.

    For the sake of your child, get him out of harm's way. Either move out and go to your parents (or another safe place), or tell him to move out. Either way, if it is safe to do so, you need to contact social services (the name varies depending on countries) and the police - to protect not only your son but other children. If you are scared or unsure how to do this, make an appointment with your GP or family doctor, and tell them what has been happening - they will know how to help, inshaAllah.

    My personal opinion would be that there's no way an otherwise mentally competent person could believe it is acceptable to physically assault a baby or young child - so if we assume your husband isn't dealing with some trauma or mental health problem that is affecting his insight into this situation, then he's not really got any excuse for his actions. If he's unwell, he needs to get appropriate help. Either way, he shouldn't be in a position to hurt your son.

    Do not keep this quiet. Involve your family, involve his family, make it clear that this abuse is NOT acceptable and will NOT be allowed to continue.

    May Allah protect your son, and you. May He grant you both the strength to pass through this trial. May He also guide your husband to realise the wrongs he has done and to repent before it is too late.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  10. The baby is not even old enough to know right from wrong..how can anyone discipline it yet?

  11. @recovering what planet are you on SERIOUSLY.

    I agree with Najah and all others on here that no person whether a man or woman deserves a child if they are abusing the child. Sadly in this case this is what is happening. I advise the OP to take her baby and run from this man and PROTECT your baby while you can. There are childless couples who would do anything to have their own child and protect it and love the child no matter what they do that's children/babies for you. This child is innocent and does not deserve disciplining considering the baby is just a baby that's helpless. Protect your baby while you can or before its too late.

  12. What on earth is a "slight" beating?

    A beating is a beating. Violent, aggressive, painful. We are talking about the treatment of human beings who are to be loved and cherished, not the seasoning of a stew or piece of meat (slightly salty; slightly tender).

  13. I have deleted the comments by "Recovering."

    To be clear, the purpose of this website is to advise, guide and nurture those who are suffering. We will not allow any comments that advocate or excuse beating of wives or abuse of children. Period. Any such comments will be deleted, and the commenters will be placed on moderated status or banned.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  14. @recovering it don't matter where the women are from if they are unfortunate to be in this situation. Islamically this behavior is not acceptable PERIOD.

    The child needs protecting Nigeria or West it don't matter. OP get your child away from this monster. This is child abuse.

  15. @Rukayyat
    MasAllah its good to hear things are better. May Allah always protect your child and you and your husband work together inshAllah.

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