Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Scared to tell my Muslim boyfriend’s parents that we are getting married


Hi there,

I really need some help from people who know muslim culture better than i do and maybe could help me as im very stressed out.

I've been with a pakistani guy for 2 and a half year and were planning to get officially engaged in september and get married next july. So we are very serious, he told me after a month seeing each other that I was the one and wants to marry me and so I felt the same way too.

I've already converted to islam a year ago and he's introduced me to some of his brothers and cousins and also everyone (including his parents) knows about our relationship.

When his parents first found out they got very angry and told him to leave the house, partly cos they found out he was away with me in Egypt on holiday, saying that he should focus on his uni and work right now.

But he went back to the house few hours later and they said nothing, never again. They come to shop in my store where I'm an assistant manager but they never said anything to me. I employed his little brother and two of his cousins as well, they work with me. Once I sent a grill pan to his mum by his little brother as a present because I knew how much she wanted it but she couldnt purchase it, obviously she knew where it came from so she said to his brother to tell me: "thank you for it". Once when my boyfriend was leaving home she asked him if he was coming over to mine etc.

All of his family knows everything about us, but now were getting really scared as he wants to tell his parents in July that he wants to marry me. He doesn't know what to expect, he believes that they are going to tell him to leave the house and won't accept it. I dont know his parents personally as I have never talked to them- we never been introduced but I have this feeling that if they really had some serious problem with us being together for such long time now they would of said something to him or me already.

I really dont know how it works but do you think that we should be really worried about them? My boyfriend said if they want him to leave he will do and still going to marry me no matter what! The thing is that I don't want him to lose his family neither do I want him to have a bad relationship with them in the future because of me. I'm just wondering if there any "easy" way to make them accept us.

Im very grateful for any advise as I'm really stressing out 🙁

Thank you so much

- Anita

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8 Responses »

  1. Salam o alaikum,

    Alhamdulillah you are a muslim now, hence the greeting is "Salam o Alaikum" not "Hi There". May Allah swt give you guidance and forgive your sins (and mine too) - Ameen.

    Your first, foremost and most grave issue is not your husband-to-be's parents, its your Haraam relationship with the guy. It was and still is Haraam so before you worry about pleasing his parents or even himself, you need to seek forgiveness for this relationship and if you both cannot hold back until you get married, GET MARRIED TODAY (do a Nikah) without delay.

    Islam is not a culture, it is a religion, faith, belief but not a culture. There is no room in Islam for a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with or without the parents consent.

    You and your boyfriend both need to understand your priorities in light of Islam. You have decided to be together, he should talk to his parents, beg for their agreement (inshaAllah it will be ok) and stay away from you until you get married - and you should do the same.

    I know you are looking for an answer to break the news to their parents however I felt the need to highlight a bigger issue here which is your illicit (haram) relationship.

    By the sounds of it, I'm not sure if you guys can wait, hence get your nikah done today or stop seeing each other until the parents agree and you get married.

    May Allah swt guide us all, Ameen.


  2. AsSalamualaikum,

    My sister, as brother Saqib mentioned, your relationship with the man is something that needs more attention.
    And see what it can do. It can seperate a man from his parents, as he has agreed to leave them if they ask him to.

    Further, there is an Aayah in the Quran that says Enter Islam fully. Not that you accept one ruling and ignore the other.

    Islam is the complete way of life. Whatever a person does, there is an Islamic way to look at it. Anything good can be done in an Islamic way.

    My advise to you at this stage is that either the man informs his mother first that he wants to marry you, or that you meet his mother and try to impress her. See what she looks for in her future daughter in law and convince her indirectly that you are the best match for her son. But during this, you should NOT have any contact with him, as it is Haraam and may lead to a greater Haraam. This seems to be the right step if you fear disapproval of his parents.
    And Allah Knows Best.

    Muhammad Waseem

    • Assalamu Alaykum sister Anita,

      Alahamdulillah you are muslima now! I apologize an advance for my English. Please try to understand.
      Let me ask you a question.
      Did you convert Islam for sake of your Husband or sake of Allah and your future light life ?
      I am not trying to judge my muslim brothers here, but i have to tell you the truth.
      Since i am in USA for over 10 years from my own experience, you HAVE to know the deferences of what is Islam? What is Imaan? What is Muslim? and What is Mumineen?
      I am from Islamic country and we have 26 million population. When you ask them " What is your religion?" They say- " We are muslims or Islam"
      %70 of them still do not understand about Islam same like your " Boyfriend"
      I believe that he is from islamic country and he was born in islamic family. But do you think he is Mumineen???
      If he was a Mumineen, from the very beginning would not do Zina (Fornication). In Islam sexual contact is only and only after Nikah(marriage).
      To be Honest with you I saw here in US lots of American women and Men who decide to convert Islam. After a few month later they get more Imaan(faith) and Knowledge about Islam than those "Muslims" who are from real Islamic country, Alhamdulillah!!
      Thats why in USA most people think something bad about Islam because of those " Muslims"
      All the Muslims are NOT Mumineen(believer) and the same in Christianity, like the criminal prisoners in a prison putting Cross Tattos all over their body and drug dealers and Users hanging on their Neck Golden Cross chains. And they always say : Jesus Please help me" Same thing, we have lots of them in Islam.
      And when they get arrested somehow by their bad actions,right away they announce on TV, " Islamic Terrorist" Astakgfurillah!

      Firstly, believing just in Allah does not make one "mumin"/believer, because as per 49:15 and 8:2-4, "mumineen" are those that fulfill ALL the criteria and traits given in those verses.

      Secondly, just "declaring iman" does not mean belief, but means submission (see the first part of 49:14).

      Thus by "declaring iman" only in Allah, Firon could not have become a mumin, but only a muslim.

      As per 22:77-78, "allatheena aamanoo"/believers are named "almuslimeen"/submitters by Allah. Thus ALL those who believe are muslims and wherever believers are mentioned they are submitters/muslimeen also.

      Look at 49:15 and 8:2-4 again:

      8:2 The believers are those whom, when God is mentioned, their hearts reverence; and when His revelations are recited to them, it increases their faith; and they put their trust in their Lord.
      8:3 They honor the connection, and from Our provisions to them they spend.
      8:4 These are the true believers; they will have grades with their Lord and a forgiveness and a generous provision.

      49:15 Believers are those who believe in God and His messenger, then they became without doubt, and they strive with their money and their lives in the cause of God. These are the truthful ones.

      Here CLEARLY Allah is telling us that "muminoon"/believers are those:

      1. Who believe in Allah
      2. Who believe in His messenger
      3. Whose faith is increased when they hear Allah's revelations
      4. Whose hearts reverence when Allah is mentioned
      5. Who put their trust in Allah
      6. Who become without doubt
      7. Who strive with their money and lives in the cause of Allah
      8. Who honor the salat
      9. Who spend from Allah's provisions to them

      As you can see, "muminoon" not only believe but also perform some actions and do some good deeds also, so it is not just about belief but also action and good deeds, or are you denying Allah's definition ?

      My advise to you my sister Anita, stay away from him for a while, do not worry about his parents agreement or disagreement and try to get complete knowledge about Islam and pray, ask Forgiveness Allah (swt). Show to your "Boyfriend" and his Parents what is real Islam. You will see,they will beg to you to be their son's Beautiful American Muslim Daughter-in-law, Inshaallah !!!(means God Willing). If not, Allah(swt) will bring best match to you, inshallah! Allah Akbar! (God is Great). He knows everything!

      Assalamu Alaykum

  3. Assamamu Alaykum, Sister

    First things first. Do you truly believe that no other deserves worship but Allah (swt) with no partners? And that Mohammed, praise be unto him, is His servant and His last messenger? If so, then you need to do more serious study of the Qur'an and Hadiths. You need to be right with Allah and approach marriage in a halaal fashion if you expect it to work. Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce or have serious adultery issues?

    As an adult male, your boyfriend (no such thing in Islam, you know) should be approaching your wali to ask for your hand in marriage, not "telling his parents about your engagement". He should not have contact with you except with appropriate supervision. I'm not sure where you live, but in the USA this is a hard thing to do in practice, especially with two self-sufficient adults. HOWEVER, as a slave of Allah (swt), it is a small sacrifice to make for true happiness on the road to Jannah, and to please Allah (swt).

    And why do you need a long engagement? I know that is your business, but it is a possible temptation for you and he, you need to think about marrying sooner if possible. I'm not trying to assume the worst here, but if I read between the lines I think something very haram may already be happening. If not, then GOOD, and keep it that way. Anyway, that is between you and Allah and your soon-to-be husband. Please be careful, okay?

    Now, harsh part over. You sound like a nice person, trying to do the right thing. But reverting to Islam is not to be taken lightly. Because you know the truth, you owe it to your Maker and to yourself to follow the rules he has set up. It is not as hard as you think. Islamic people live fulfilling lives, raise wonderful families, and are very happy. They do not sleep around (at least not as much as western cultures), nor do they shy away from identifying evil in the world and trying to avoid it. As opposed to the rest of the world, followers of Islam and the true pious devotees of Allah have not deviated from their beliefs, and they have backed them up by their actions. It is easier than you think, and brings a peace of mind you may not expect. Embrace it.

    - American Muslim

  4. Assalamualaikum.

    I like the advices of brother "Rahmon" and i also say those he said .
    Dear sis Anita,
    thanks for converting your religion into islam. But take my thanks if, you've done so believing in "omnipotent Allah" & knowing ,acknowledging islam is the best and true relegion..
    If u realy support islam from your heart ,then show your desired mother-in-law that your now an real muslima, and keep up showing her respects and love as u did before...
    And pray to allah for your success as so do i. . .
    May almighty allah help you...
    All the best...

  5. assalam u alaikum sister

    dont worry every thing will be fine just do what ur heart say and if u really want to marry him just ask him to get married when ever u want thats it then if he really want u nd keep relationship he dont think about his parents he will marry u really>>>>>>>>>>>>>> but 1 extrw thing for his parents also is that every 1s parents want to c there childrens happy but they have to find where will be there child get more happyness is that in there decitions or in there child's bcz they dont have to lead life but there childrens have lot of years to live sooo my duaaa with allah is to giv every 1 there happyness..... aaaaamin

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