Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m too scared to stop my violently abusive father.

domestic violence

Aslam alikum,

 

I would like to know if there is some sort of dua for my father who is a very angry and abusive man. He is abusive towards my mother, and has been since I can remember from childhood. He will beat her, swear at her, insult her and her family and threaten to divorce her. He will get violent and angry at minor things  for example if there is a stain on a dish, if the rubbish isnt taken out and other very small things.

My mother is a quiet person and very obedient to my father so when he beats her she does not say anything back or retaliate in any way. I am 20 years of age and I have a younger brother and sister who are 18 and 16. We are very afraid of our dad and do not stop him when he is like this. I feel responisble for not protecting them and my mum because I am older and should be able to stop this.

However if I do try to talk any sense in to him he will beat my mum more saying its her fault. My mum also says not to say anything as he is still my father and I should not get involved, but its difficult to watch it all and not be able to do anything.

When my dad is in a good mood its like nothing ever happened. He will be back to normal and expect us to speak to him regardless of his behavior.

I would like to know if there is anything I can do to help my mum. I would also like to know if there is any dua I can read for my dad to help him with his aggression.

~Anon33

 

any suggestions or ideas are welcome.

 


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25 Responses »

  1. My father is not an exception. He beats her with words,and sometimes attempt to harm physically but most of the times he tortures her using harsh words but whenever he abuses her I defend by arguing very very disrespectfully and I have noticed strength respects strength. To be good is okay,but people take advantage of your weaknesses. I literally don't obey my father and he has very less influence over me. So I suggested my mom to speak the way he does and don't fear . But inside me, I cry every time I witness all these, I ask forgiveness to Almighty for being disobedient to my father . I feel so low and lost and insecurity and it hampers my studies, too . But I believe those who abuses are not men nor have strength. So,don't fear . pray to Allah and together with that try to defend her.

  2. Salaams brothers/sisters, my father till this day is a abusive individual. Yes it affects kids im 28 and I mentally sffected by it i have become so bitter and horrible person and i do think its because of all the abuse in my home.

    My mother will never leave him just take the abusive the man is so evil.he did not attend my wedding,my sisters or my brothers. He refused to go to keep his family happy. All our life wr live with this as a silent part of life. Listen yo the advise call police and your mother to divorce him. Our mothers would be hsppy without s husband. Our mothers are wondeful mashallah but fail to protect thier children from fathers like this. This does affect in yout lifetime whether its depression becoming bitter twisted because thats what you hsve seen sll your life. Help yourself your mum and family and get out of this now. This man will only realise when its too late wasalams. May Allah protect all mothers children from men like this ameen may Allah give womrn strenght to speak up ameeen . SubAllah. Wasalam .

  3. My father is really abusive, and the sad part is he is the Imam at my mosque. His abuse in fact is becoming too much to bare that I am beginning to lose faith, and beginning to question Islam, I do however feel that Islam's teachings are correct, but i feel depressed and am just losing hope... I thought he changed but he didn't. I don't want him to be the reason why I go astray, and lose my way in this world, i just wanted to know if anyone had any motivating verses in the quran that could reassure me about Islam, despite the fact that i can't talk to the Imam of my mosque for help, cause he actually is my father. Any words of advice? I do want to be Muslim, but it is becoming extremely confusing for me to understand under these conditions.

    • anonymous, abusive behavior is not consistent with Islam. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was the most kind and gentle of men with his family and with others. So if your father is abusive, then he is not acting as a Muslim, regardless of being the Imam.

      Check out my website IslamicSunrays.com for some thoughts about Islam that you may find refreshing, Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Wallah, that was extremely refreshing, and very convincing! It actually had me almost in tears! I read all of them, and they all helped, gazakallah-hu-khair! If that's your writing, I must say that it is definitely is the best thing I've in a long time! 🙂 thank you again.

    • How does the actions of your father, who has no authority in islam what so ever, make you question islam.
      He himself must know his actions are wrong, i mean i understand the father is an example to his children, but how does his ignoble behaivior decrease your faith?.

      It is the whispers of shaytan brother.
      "[their hypocrisy] is like that of satan, when he whispers to the human "disbelief", and when he disbelieves, he [satan] says "i am free from you, verily i fear A l l a a h the lord of the worlds""surah hashr

      when someone faces trails brother, it should make him mentally stronger.
      your fathers abuse should not make you weaker, more feeble, it should make you stronger, specially when you are a grown person.

      I hope A l l a a h gives me and you and your family certain faith.

      Once had a very abusive, very hypperaggresive qur'an teacher, who would talk with his cable wire, i used to spend 3 hours with him every day, didnt make me mentally weaker, or question islam.

      You shouldnt allow anyone to abuse you brother, and see a weakness in you, whether its your father or not.
      People should see you as someone who is unbreakable, without being abusive yourself.

      Respect and revere your parents, but let them know you are not some piece of dirt under their carpet after you have grown up.

      • It's very natural that when someone who represents authority in Islam abuses a person, that person might come to resent Islam. But I like your advice that we should see ourselves as unbreakable. Whatever happens to us should bring us closer to Allah.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • under ideal conditions it would make sense for these experiences to make me stronger... I don't believe being beaten from a man who has no blood line to you-- your quran teacher-- is the same as being beaten from your own father who is supposed to comfort, love, and help you build confidence, not break it down. And by the way, I'm a girl not a boy... Brother. I'm 17 years old, and I've been beaten with extension cords, leather belts, and wooden rods since I was a little girls. I don't expect you to understand, but to me it is very easy to question Islam, considering all I've really ever prayed for is for a happy family (with my parents and siblings). I do have a muslim friend who doesn't even wear hijab, and my dad doesn't like her too much, but she is my friend, and probably the only one I can talk to about important things... It's really aggravating to see that most of the girls who i know that are Arab, and where hijab, are extremely arrogant, and back-bite a lot (I also am Arab, and wear Hijab)... I don't know if any of what I'm saying matters to you, or makes sense to you, but to me, it seems like the people who act like they are the most religious people in my community, are in fact the complete opposite. And when I go to the mosque-- i don't know if it's because of culture-- the women are treated like second class... The women cook the food, and the men eat all of it, and leave their mess in the masjid, for the women to pick up. It's disgusting. And most of these "men" claim to be 7afiz el quran, or most of it. It just seems like the religion they know so much about, has no effect on them... so i ask myself then, why? Why doesn't effect their behavior, or does it?

        And by the way, I want these trials to bring me closer to Allah, and thats why I'm seeking advice from an outside source... I wouldn't be asking these questions if I didn't care.

  4. Just a thought- after reading your question again,it would seem like your father is a psychopath. My sister was married to a man who did the exact same to her. He would flip moods like a chameleon on a smartie box. I dont know...unfortunately...or fortunately,rather, she was not exactly the obeidient type. She packed her bags up and left, is remarried and has never been happier. If possible,I think he should go for a psychiatric assessment. You never know what might come up. Just remember...when a guy starts hiotting his wife,its very seldom he will just stop. The wife eventually begins suffering from what they call 'Battered Women's syndrome' . They eventually believe its their fault. May Allah Ta'aala help you and your mother and siblings. Aamin.

  5. Read the Du'aa of Nuh (alayhi salaam) - Rabbi anni maghlubun fantawsir ( My Lord,I am overpowered,so help me)
    Or the duaa of Moosa alayhi salaam - Rabbi Inni limaa anzalta min khayrin faqeer. (Surah 28,verse 24-(Ithink,its somewhere around there)) ( My Lord,I'm in need of any good that You send me)
    Make intention for 2 rakaats salaatul haajaat and then pray and ask Allah Ta'aala to help you. May Allah Ta'aala be with you.

  6. thank you for your comments me and my mum have recently found out about his gambling he has gambled away 80% of our savings. i cant deal with him anymore. i hope allah helps us.

    • Dear Anon33,

      I am sorry to hear that your father has gambled much of the families savings away, I can't imagine how that makes you feel. I know for myself personally, I would be angry. I would be angry that he didn't give a dam about me, my mother and other siblings and our future and well being.

      Gambling is a sickness and it's quite possible that in the times that he has gambled and lost, this is when he has come home and in his anger...has taken his frustration out on your mother.

      We have a saying in America...it is, "God helps those who help themselves". Do not allow another beating to happen to your mother...ever. If your father comes home and begins his abuse, you pick up the phone and call for help. I am not by any means telling you this will be easy, it is not. But, it is far worse to watch your mother beaten and kicked by this man simply because...he can.

      He has been allowed to do so for so long, he believes no one can stop him and he has to answer to no one. I can tell you one thing for sure, it will scare the hell out of him and he will not believe what is happening. But...it is the best thing you will ever do in your life for your mother, yourself and your siblings. Once he has had the police involved and they are made aware of what is going on in your home, you can rest assured that once he comes back into the home, he is going to be very careful because he does not want to go back to jail. Jail is not a place anyone wants to be...including your father.

      No matter what, look after you mom...she deserves not only your love but, your protection from a very abusive man. May Allah look after you and your siblings and know that even after I hit the "submit" button...you are in my prayers...always.

  7. MESSAGE FROM ANON33

    is there a dua to help my abusive father stop hurting us

    • Salam

      Sister, walahi your breaking my heart. you have to stand up against your father, and if he hurts you you have no choice but to call the police and let your father no that what hes doing is not acceptable. Either that or you and your family leave him all together.
      May allah give you courage and strength

      Peace

  8. i just dont understand why a man cannot come into his house smiling to his mother, wife and children.
    i really cant comprehend the reason a man acts hypperaggressive in his house, whilst he is calm at his job.

    why is it that a man chooses to make life hell for his family, the most near people to him.

    wallaahi, a home where the father is a calm/smily person is like paradise, but a home that has a moody/violent father is like hell.
    it leaves the children and mother scarred for life.

    i cannot imagine seeing my mother get beaten/shouted at even, let alone beaten.
    children getting savere beating, i wouldnt really care,in fact i believe children should be saverely beaten at young age so they grow to be strong/tough/wise people BUT NOT MOTHER!!, EVER!

    you should ask Allaah to either guide your father to a more pleasant behavior, or to uplift him from you.
    because wallaahi he is a burden upon you.
    you are 20 years old, 18 etc, you are free of need of him.

    as for du'aa, then you should get up in the last 1/3 of the night when Allaah decends to the lowest heaven to ask if there are people who need forgiveness, help, anything.

  9. thank you so much for your comments, i understand that calling the police would be the best thing to do. and i pray that i have the courage to do that if i am in this situation again. its horrible to see my mother in this way but the power my dad has had on all of us it immense which is the reason the police have not been contacted in the past. i have seen domestic violence from a very young age and have not had the courage to get help. i hope i can get the confidence to get help. i come from a pakistani culture, which means my mum has been taught that men are allowed to behave this way and she still loves my dad regardless of his behavior. and my dad takes advantage of his. i hope i can bring myself to call the police. inshallah.

    • Salams
      You have no choice but to defend your mother, its not a question, its a duty. stand in between your mother and yoour father when ever he attempts to hurt her. you owe your life to your mother. standing firm agaist your dad, warn him and if he does anything call the police.May allah guide us all ameen
      Peace

    • Your mother's story is my moms story, I am a 40 year old person and my dad to this day is still the same, but he does not have the same strength as he use to have. He use to beat my brother with a toilet drainer in rounds and he would take a break and start the beating again in the bathroom. My brothers back would turn purple and dark with the heavy stick marks on his lean body. He even made him drink water from the toilet, kicking, punching, slapping was his routine. Once he threw me on the bed because I could not memorize the multiplication table properly and I fell on the other side of the bed with a hit on my chin from the floor heater, I had a big dark bruise on my chin. The next day he brought a Big Mac for me and I was happy again! He still curses us and says mean things to my ill brother but we just ignore him. My advice to you is this thing never stops. So it's ur decision learn from my experience get help when it's time because he will not change.

  10. SALAM

    These things break my heart walahi. I thank allah for such a wonderful father i have mashalah alhamdulilah all day everyday.

    Brother the next time this happens stand firmly against your father, no matter what. your 20 years old mashalah if u do not protect your mother who will? the right thing to do is call the police, but you might be able to stop it with your siblings help. Stand against your father as a team, but if theirs even 1 % chance you or your siblings might get hurt call police, dont want anyone to get hurt.

    Defend your mom with your life, you owe it to her!! Make sure this never happens again, whatever it takes brother, PLEASE do not let it happen again, you owe your WHOLE LIFE to your mother.

    Shes your mother, the one who sacrifices everything for you, i hope you realize this.

    May allah guide us all on the right path ameen ya rub.

    Peace

  11. Its so sad that your mother has to endure this abuse. I would also call the police next time the situation arises. Your father needs to know you all are serious about him stopping this behavior. Its not acceptable. Like the first poster said, he is a coward, and he thinks its ok to pick on a woman. Also make sure your brother knows this is not how a woman should be treated. He has grown up seeing how he thinks a man should treat his wife and he needs to know it's not ok. Same for your sister.

  12. dear brother/sister Anon33

    asalamalikum,

    this is abuse , domestic violence, sin, crime. it will not stop unless you do something about it. i can say that 100% as my father was 100% like yours. i tried to stop him but got beaten several times myself. i was in a country where no way police could help you. if you stay at a place where domestic voilence is taken as a crime and not as part of norm in household or an act of obedience to husband or father, then CALL FOR HELP.i know a family where wife has recently died because of beating in front of 2 young kids. you dont want to see this in your house , do you?

    if you think your mom wont speak a word, interfere when your dad becomes violent, then he will beat you then you can call !!!!

    rememeber this will NEVER STOP if you dont stop it.

    Dua is there but first do the dawa( treatment)

    may Allah be with you and your family.ameen.

  13. Assalamu alaikum,

    Please pop into your local police station and report him at once before its gets out of hand. They will involve social services also is very through in dealing with the issue.

    If it is left, then the whole family will be scarred for life and their pain will be transferred onto their children. Abusers have no place in Islam, especially women beaters..

    Do something before someone gets seriously hurt physically, your family has been mentally tortured..

    Sorry I dont know what area you are from and we are not allowed to help each other personally here, otherwise, I could have given you direct help..

    Good luck..May Allah S.W.T gives you strength to deal with the issue..

  14. Dear Anon33,

    You my love, describe my husband to a "t". Everything from the abuse to the behavior afterwards. The only bit of advice that I can offer you my dear is to call the police when an incident arises. You see, the fact is...your mother is silent...scared so to speak and so she remains silent and endures the abuse. She is broken my love and knows no other way.

    When there is an abuser in the home, in this case your father...they feel that they are untouchable and have to answer to no one and can do what they will. I my love have endured years of abuse at the hands of my husband. He abuses me verbally and will get up in my face but never physically...he saves that for his children, especially his daughters.

    I called the police once when he punched my daughter in the face because...he felt like it. She was sitting in the kitchen and he came in and out of the blue, punched her. She called me crying and I didn't know what to do. I was so afraid to call the police because I knew they would take him to jail but on the other hand, I am this child's mother...how do I stay silent and justify his behavior? I cannot. I called the police and had him jailed and my family were so angry with me but me...I knew it had to be done. It was the best phone call I ever made because he now knows that I will not allow him to abuse our children no matter what. He knows that I am not afraid to pick up the phone and call again if I need to.

    You say your father beats your mother, I say to you...do not be afraid my love and call the police straight away. Just think of it, who has the right to abuse another human being? This is your mother, the one who carried you for nine months and raised you and your siblings with all the love she possesses. She does not deserve to be treated in this manner, she deserves all the kindness in the world and to not be afraid.

    Your father is a coward as my husband is. A real man will never lay a hand on his wife or children, there is no need for this sort of behavior. Be strong for you mother, you and you siblings...do not be afraid. There is help out there for you, you just need to seek it. Do not allow another beating to simply happen, I pray you will act and call the police. Maybe if your father has someone stand up to him and help him see what a coward he is by abusing his wife, he may get the help he so badly needs.

    I know love first hand how the home of an abuser is...it is hell on earth. I chose to call the police, best thing I ever did. I pray that when push comes to shove, that you will pick up the phone and dial for help. Neither you nor your mother or siblings deserve to live this way. My prayers go out to you, your mother and siblings. May Allah protect each and every one of you.

    Salam

    • My father would eventually come out of jail and kill us if we ever did such a thing. So what are our options?
      The only viable options I thought in my situation is: A) Train till we are much stronger than him and deal with this violent person, with the risk of this person returning with a weapon(That's how he deals with those who are stronger than him).
      B) Kill him
      C) Move to somewhere else (Impossible at the moment)

      • I don't know you, your circumstances or how old you are, but I hope that you can get authorities involved and move away. I know you have said its impossible, but it is better than option 2.

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