Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Screaming In Silence as Guilt Kills me Everyday

Hijabi woman with veil drawn over her face, half face

As'salamualaikum my brother and sisters in Islam.

I am in extreme guilt and emotional distress which is causing me to go in depression.

I have previously been in haraam relationships which all started from being molested, then sexually abused and even being raped from 2 different guys I thought I loved and believed they loved me too.. due to my young naivety I thought I knew what love was; now being mature I still don't know what love is. I have always been made to feel I am worthless and my body is desired and its the only thing good about me.. I guess maybe because I gave in so easy and had no power to fight back because I was so desperate to find love as I was detached from my family.

I am currently in a haraam relationship where he has forced me to commit zinna on various occasions at first I chose to participate but now I can not even bare his touch due to my guilt within. I am truly guilty and want to repent however I keep going back to him to find support. I have told him many times I do not want to fall in sin but he makes me feel rubbish for feeling that way; I don't say much back to him explaining to him how it makes me feel, as I know he is very sensitive emotionally, and I never intend to hurt him.

But I just want to stop all this and run away, I feel everyone looks at me with disgust and they all are aware of my sins, this makes me very paranoid. No one is aware of this except the Almighty as I hide my sins under a veil. I promise myself that I will turn to Allah but eventually fail to continue to. These feelings has taken me into emotional distress and I feel myself going in depression. I just cant seem to escape my sins.

I now have developed a feeling of hatred towards men.. but can I be totally blamed for this?

I think about marriage often but I don't think anyone would marry me as in Islam virginity is highly emphasised especially for a pious religious man whom I wish to marry. I have stopped contact with the guy I was currently with but I am scared I will go back to him in weakness as no one would want to accept me as their wife.

I have all these questions haunting me such as do i even want to get married? would i have to tell all this to my husband? Please help guide a sister in Islam. JazakaAllah Khair.

Sarah

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8 Responses »

  1. Assalaam alaikum wa rahmatullah
    May Allah make it easy for you, It's really sad to hear what pain you are in, but pain is a sign to go back to Allah. It is a sign that something is wrong and you need to return so that you can heal. You are struggling it seems with feelings of self-worth, you have sinned so you feel bad, so then to feel better about yourself as a quick fix (and a little manipulation from him), you go back to the guy to feel wanted and desired again to remove the bad feelings you have about yourself, only to find that afterwards, the quick fix (as is the case with all sins) didnt work and only made things worse, as you only went and sinned again! Your self esteem goes even lower and you're trapped in a cycle. So from this, the advice to 'just stop' wouldnt work as it's a deeper psychological process going on here. You may not be close to your family, so perhaps you sought out men to validate you. So what you really need to address here, are your feelings of self-worth. do you know no one can 'give you' self-worth and self esteem? These come from within. It's a long process, I would advise getting an islamic (if not islamic ageneral one will still suffice so long as their approach is not based on another religion) counsellor or therapist to work through your issues of self esteem. Read and listen to Islamic lectures on Self worth of a muslim (there are many out there) Also, remember you are precious to Allah and Allah loves His slaves no matter what. Yes, you are sinning but He knows your desire to change, trust Him and ask Him for help. ditch the guys. Work on becoming closer to Him, let His love validate you. You are worth something to Allah. Out of all the billions of people in the world, He created YOU to be one of them. That is something truly special. You have worth in being a muslim. You can change, we all make mistakes all the time, life is a journey, we were not created perfect. Also with your last point, about despairing of a spouse, it all goes back to Allah. If Allah wills, He can give you the most pious spouse. It is NOT about being a 'virgin'. Reverts etc and those who havent always practiced Islam are not always virgins, that's life. Piety refers to PIETY. Yes, part of piety entails not engaging in zina, but that doesn't mean your past, it means your present and your future. Allah is the one who forgives our past and can change your future, not men. Yes, some people are narrow minded and look at that, but the right one who understands this will not look at that. Imagine the time of the sahabas who used to drink, fornicate, everything before Islam then became the most pious of men in history! were they not granted pious spouses? Piety refers to our behaviour in Islam. So In sha Allah, make tawbah, draw near to Allah, and worry not about who and when to Marry, Allah is in control of every breath, let Him bring you the right one at the right time 🙂

  2. Assalamu alaikum... Just leave him n be in your senses. Beware of the emotional tactics of men whatever it is... Be sensible n have self respect... U r not a flesh of meat to be swarmed by flies. The mental agony u face now was inflicted upon u for your wrong doings n wake up call that you've to reform n uphold dignity as a woman... Never mind for being harsh... Feels hard to turn blind eyes to the facts.... Just run away from him n I don't believe he's the only man in this world...mend your ways.... Be strong, courageous n stern... Remember.... Ur body is a gift for your husband... Don't throw away it cheaply to someone who doesn't deserve... True man who value woman doesn't have sex at all prior to marriage... N ur bf is not a civilised man at all.... He hasn't got any morals or values.nor even respect for you.... Y do you wanna continue??? Don't you feel you had enough of him... He wants to satisfy his lust lying in the name of love.. Don't fall prey to his hawk eyes!!! Chastity is gift you treasure for your husband... Be pious n virtuous!! Leave him n all those shits forever!

  3. Sister,

    No one can save and give you shelter except the ALMIGHTY, so Turn to Him in sincere Repentance and he will forgive. Because he loves to forgive, always waiting for us to TURN TO HIM.

    1. Sura 25 – Al-Furqan (MAKKA) : Verse 71
    And whosoever repents and does righteous good deeds, then verily, he repents towards Allâh with true repentance.

    2. Sura 7 – Al-Araf (MAKKA) : Verse 153
    But those who committed evil deeds and then repented afterwards and believed, verily, your Lord after (all) that is indeed Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

    3. Sura 25 – Al-Furqan (MAKKA) : Verse 70
    Except those who repent and believe (in Islâmic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds, for those, Allâh will change their sins into good deeds, and Allâh is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

    4. Sura 28 – Al-Qasas (MAKKA) : Verse 67
    But as for him who repented (from polytheism and sins), believed (in the Oneness of Allâh, and in His Messenger Muhammad SAW), and did righteous deeds (in the life of this world), then he will be among those who are successful.

    5. Sura 4 – An-Nisa (MADINA) : Verse 17
    Allâh accepts only the repentance of those who do evil in ignorance and foolishness and repent soon afterwards; it is they whom Allâh will forgive and Allâh is Ever All¬Knower, All¬Wise.

    for Further Reference and to make it ready easily I'm refereeing to this link
    https://quran.com/search?q=repentance

    Pray 5 times a day and after each prayer sit for 5-10 minutes and soak yourself in ZIKAR.

    Never return back and fight with temptation, ASK ALLAH that I'm helpless, help me and he'll help you. GUARANTEED

    Seek companions who are seeking paradise in the hereafter.

    “Content yourself with those who pray to their Lord morning and evening, seeking His approval, and do not let your eyes turn away from them out of desire for the attractions of this worldly life, and do not yield to those whose hearts We have made heedless of Our remembrance, those who follow their own low desires, those whose ways are unbridled.” (Quran 18:28)

    AND NEVER DISCLOSE YOUR SINS, ALLAH WILL KEEP YOUR SINS IN VEIL IN HEREAFTER

  4. Sister,

    If you think you are in a bad position now...imagine should you fall pregnant. Do you think this man will be there for you then? He is using you for his own sexual gratification and when he is through with you, he will move on to someone else. Value and respect yourself. You and you alone hold the key to change. You cannot live a life of sin yet expect things within your life to somehow change for the better. Work to change yourself and the destructive road you are on. Turn to Allah and repent for your sins in order that you may turn your life around for the better. May Allah guide you to the right path. Amin.

    Salam

  5. Salam sister,
    As the previous comments have said, you are not just a thing to be used and reused, you are a beautiful Muslimah. Be positive about all of it as much as possible. There are ways to start over, such as blocking these mens' phone numbers, starting Quran classes, regluar prayer, wearing hijab and commitment to a higher standard of living(use a calandar to track your daily prayers). Just think about your past in this way: Allah swt will cover your past if you cover it too. You can start over, sister. You can find a good Muslim husband one day, inshAllah. All things are possible with Allah swt. There is a reason His name is Al-Mu'akhkhir (the Delayer) and Al-Muqaddim (the Expiditer), because He does things at the time that He sees best. The fact that your heart still beats every second means that Allah swt wants to give you another chance to succeed. It is never too late to try again, and again, and again. If you keep trying and trying to get on the right path, there is more chance that you will find it.
    All the best to you sister,
    Shereen

  6. Assalamo walikum sister
    If a man hurts youvand doesn't gave a damn about you then its not worst being with him. I know you have made zina and you want to repent yourself by going back with the guy. But try to understand that he only will use you over and over again and more sin will be added on your shoulder. Loss connect from him, delete everything about him and make promise to Allah and stay in His path. It is your past and can't go back to change it, Allah didn't gave us that power to do so. But Allah is merciful and if anyone can understand that will be him. If you sincerely regrate it then thats Allah to help you. Don't worry about getting married just focus on your daily life routine and keep remembering Allah. When ever you feel like remembering your past sin, just make tawba and talk to Allah like he is sitting by you and he is reaching out to you. Don't feel hopeless ever. Your past and your sin its something Allah to decide it. When Allah do bring you that pious man, if you tell your past, he will definitely will understand bacuse he wouldn't come on his own but Allah brought him to you. Marriage is in Allah's hand, not human. We can try our best to look for that right person but Allah is the one has to gave permission in order to take place.
    You have to stop crying and learn to forgive yourself. If you don't forgive yourself then other won't. Don't forgive yourself and still continue in haram but forgive yourself and learn your mistake and stay path of halal.
    One thing you should know, its not just you who is going through this, there are millions of Muslim are going through it. Just remember your mistake and what happened and that if you continue haram pain/complication will increase. Always stay halal. Inshallah you will feel better and the pain in your heart will ease as time past.

    Good luck and do zikir daily!

  7. Listen sarah he is raping you stand up for your self and please start reading namaaz

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