Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Getting married with Muslim guy but will be a secret second wife

broken marriage

Secret marriages are broken from the start

First I would like to express my gratitude of finding this sight. As i read all the questions and advices that administrators and members were given makes me feel comfortable of sharing my problem. People here are not judgmental and I adore it.

I am a Filipina christian lady and I have been in a relationship with a muslim guy for 3 years, we both love each other so much. He visited my family back home last year and even if  it was hard for his culture and traditions he still tried to bring me to his home and meet all his family.  I came to know all his family and even if its hard to meet sometimes their interest I still did adjusting everything because I love my boyfriend so much. As years went by they became close to me, though they like me as a person still I know that they don't like the idea that my boyfriend will marry me because I'm not muslim and I'm not wearing hijab. His family is a strict muslim too. Last february 2012 we decided to get married and my boyfriend opened to all his family about our plan but when they came to know it his dad quickly finds his way to search a muslim lady for him to marry. My boyfriend was very confident that his dad will not find any girl who will accept him because he was divorced with one Filipina before and he believed that its not a good image to a muslim lady.The marriage with Filipina didnt work out. They didn't understand with each other and this is the main reason why his family doesn't want him to marry another Filipina again for they were worried that it wont work out again. They like me and they love but its just they don't want him to face same problem what he had face before, so I was the one suffering from all of this. I feel betrayed after I did all  my best with the relationship  for 3 years and in just one click one person will own him just because of the culture and tradition that he need to follow. My life was full of misery since the problem arises. I felt no justice at all.

Last April his dad found lady who accepted to marry him, me and my boyfriend were shocked and didn't know what we will do with that situation. It is a matter of decision between me and his family that will ignore and neglect him if he really pursue to marry me. His dad cried in front of him and ask him that before I will die make me happy of seeing you marrying our same nationality and a muslim as well. That instance made my boyfriend decided to follow his dad. We both cried for we don't know how to keep each other anymore and everything was totally turned down. I took an emergency leave and went back home to Philippines and when I came back here in qatar again we still cant stop the relationship. Its very hard but we really can't. It makes us misses each other so much more. He got married last August with that lady and still we don't stop our relationship and keep hiding everything just to see each other. He is not happy with his married life he tried to love her and he said he really cant. She is very young and still studying in college.They keep on fighting with each other and he feels really marrying by forced. I know it will be sounds unfair with the first wife but what will I do? We cannot stop with each other.

Now my boyfriend decided to marry me in philippines on march because he doesn't want us to continue like this and is not married but we have to hide it from his family and his first wife because of some reasons. I just wanna ask is it alright to hide it from his wife that we will get married? What will be our requirements to marry in muslim court in Philippines? Do we have to tell the court that he has a first wife but doesn't know that we will get married ? because we are also afraid that the court will not allow us to get married without approval of the first wife, please help us with all this. We don't know where to run to seek for a proper advice. All we just want is to get married without any hindrances anymore because we know each other a lot and we cant really stop with both of us. We badly need your kind advice. Thank you and more power!




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18 Responses »

  1. Thanks for writing to us, lyrechsky.

    As a matter of fact, a Muslim is allowed to marry a Christian, though many practicing Muslims dislike it as it brings challenges in practicing the Religion.

    He is not even required to take permission from his first wife, but it will only add to his worries and problems which may even take the legal route if he does not inform her.

    Concerning the legal rulings of Philippines, I think it is best if you approach a person who has knowledge of Philippino law for advise.

    If you ask me, you have these options:

    1. Forget about him and avoid complications. Let him go to his first wife and fulfil his duties towards her.

    2. Inform the first wife about it and marry him.

    3. Marry him in secret, which may result in ill effects on his first relation.

    But remember that if you do marry him as a Christian, there maybe additional complications. That is to say which religion will the children follow? When there is a dispute requiring religious discussions. You may engage in debates on these issues. There will be numerous other options.

    4. Another option is that you study Islam with an open heart and learn about Allah, The Lord even Christians Worship (they call Him Father) while He Himself Says that He never begets, nor was He begotten.

    After this, if you like it you may accept it. And then, convincing the father could be quite easy. Plus, you would have to be a second wife (in a poligamy).

    Are you willing to take these challenges? Make your decision after giving it a thought.

    All the best

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  2. Nothing done is secret can be good or healthy sister. Nothing at all. Stay away from a man who wants to keep you his "secret".

    A man with too many secrets has other secrets that he is keeping from you too. He cheated on his wife for 3 years with you, what makes you think he wont meet another woman after he is bored with you and marry her in secret.

    He sounds suspicious.

    Marry someone who is proud of you and will tel the whole world about how wonderful his new wife is- not keep her in the dark. You deserve better my sister. Much better.

  3. lyrechsky - did u get married ?

    As you have been here

    I would like to tell you about Islam

    We Muslims worship Allah - the only one GOD who created you and me and all that exists.
    The GOD of Adam, Noah , Abraham, Moses, Jesus, Muhammed (peace be upon them) and all.

    why did Jesus(peace be upon him) the son of Mary (may Allah be pleased with her) came to this earth?
    Jesus came to teach people about ALLAH. He came to teach people to worship none but ALLAH alone without associating any partners with HIM.

    Allah says
    “And I (Allah) created not the jinn and mankind except that they should worship Me (Alone)”
    {Quran 51:56}

    Allah alone deserves to be worshiped.
    HE has no father, mother, brother, sister or son.
    HE is not like us.
    There is no one like HIM.

    Allah says,

    Say, "He is Allah , [who is] One,
    "Allah-us-Samad (The Self-Sufficient Master, Whom all creatures need, He neither eats nor drinks).
    He neither begets nor is born,
    "And there is none co-equal or comparable unto Him."

    (Quran 112: 1-4)

    what is the purpose of this life? just study, earn, marry, children and die or there is more to it?

    Do you know that this life is temporary?? and we will die and will be raised up again and there is going to be a day of judgement?

    Please Research about Islam. See how it makes sense inshaAllah.

    I want you to be saved from the hell fire and enter Heaven so I invite you to Islam.

    Here are some links for you where you can learn more about Islam inshaAllah
    -> quran(dot)come
    - > Invitation2Islaam(dot)wordpress(dot)com
    replace above (dot) by . and paste and search in your address bar
    May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  4. dear sister,,,
    first of all,,i would like to invite you to islam the religion that Almighty Allah wants us all to follow,,
    if we dont then we will be pubelieve in oneness of Allhahnished for that as He mentioned in the Quran and through His messenger prophet (saws)..
    the second thing is,,if i dnt accept islam and marry him then your marriage also wont like his other two families bcz there will be no mutual decisions regarding your children(most importantly) and also other activities and this is not my guess,,its a guarantee that it will do be its all upto u if u wanna enjoy a marriage of few months' love and affection along with bitterness for the rest of your life...
    the next thing i would like to tell you is that dont think he cant just love anyone but you aa he is not able to love his current wife..i m not telling that he is pretending,,,yes ofcourse he loves you and
    wanna be with you..there is something makes him love you not his wife that is he finds you much more adorable and dnt u think that when he will find someone more attractive than you then he will also ignire you,,he do will..not everyhusband doea that but as he is decieving hia other wife for you so indeed he may cheat on you with other girl after marrying you..
    fourthly,,i would like to say that u r saying you love him,,remember so does his when she will find out the truth can u imagine how betrayed and neglected she will feel.u r a girl and u also love someone, so u just knw the exact feeling of dnt u ghink that same thing could happen to u in future..
    the final advice,,just forget him and get over it by marrying some one else..once u r married u will totally overcome the situation bcZ people do marry after thier 1st spouses ar dead whom they used to love very much....
    but the best thing would be "turn to Allah and His commands to follow islam" and believe me once u accept islam from your heart and study islam to acquire knowledge then u will learn yourself about waht to do regatding this fact,,Insha'Allah..
    may Allah grants u islam and knowledge,,Aameem...
    ((((All i said is just to please Allah and to guide u a as much as possibe i could))))

  5. Hey lyrechsky,
    I'll recommend you not to be any man's secret. This would be the worst humiliation you can bring on to yourself. If your husband can't stand up for you now, he never will. Don't push yourself into a life of torment. No harm's done now. Think about you before you do anything radical. In-case, your dream life is to be a mistress, then go ahead and marry him.

    And for the others.. Give her a break. She's here for an advice and not a lesson on Islam. You people seem desperate to tell other people about your religion, not even thinking for once that she didn't ask for it! If she want to know about Islam, she can visit websites specifically made for that or she can ask you people to enlighten her, but give her a break now! I'm sure that I'll be getting offensive remarks, so just to clarify I'm a muslim too, though not desperate to preach everyone at inappropriate times..

  6. Hi lyrechsky - did u get married ?

    we're on same situation,. Please do reply as I want to ask some question.

    Thank You

    • Hi, I'm a filipina and about to face the same situation as you. I know its been years since this post but i hope for advices cause this is really a tough decision. Before i decide whether to take the secret marriage or not, i want to hear from those who facing this dilemma.

      Are you guys married now? How is your relationship with your husband? Are you still unknown? Where did you marry? How is your relationship with his family? How about the 1st wife? How is it to be a secret second wife? I want to know your story.

      I know this might sound stupid or pathetic or desperate to some, that we are considering to be a secret second wife. No woman wants to be hidden and we always dream to be the only one, to be a wife, and a mother. But unless you are into this situation, that everyday you have to think whether to pursue it or not, you can never fully comprehend why we are considering to be a secret. And I know for the fact that this secret marriage just sugarcoat the idea of me becoming a mistress. But if its your only chance to be with him, maybe you will consider this too.

      I hope you could help me and give me advice. Im looking forward to hear from you.

      Thank you and Godbless.

  7. Just leave him alone sister, its not easy to be the reason for others family to broke up, marrying him will only led him and her wife to be broken and can you accept that fact? I am saying this because I am the example, I am the legal and first wife but since my husband is away and working in other place he married someone secretly but I discover it, so now we are not okay. Our life is in trouble, I know how much he love me but he didn't resist the temptation.

  8. Hello,

    I am also facing the same situation. His first wife doesn't know and no one from his family knows that i exist in his life. But i love him and he tells me the same.

    I would also like to know how. I want to visit the golden mosque in globo de oro street so i can get more info about it.

    • Sorry if I sound harsh but you sound so selfish. Your only thinking about yourself, your basically in love with a guy who is cheating on his wife and doesn't even feel any remorse for it. Have you stepped back and thought about the impact of this on his first wife. Not only this, but this cowardly man is showing you that he doesn't value marriage hence why he is cheating on his wife and keeping a mistress on the side. Not only this, but he has Zero respect for you, otherwise you wouldn't be a secret. By keeping you secret he gets the best of both worlds. Keeps his wife happy, and keeps himself happy by having you there on the side. Also, in the future he wants to get rid of you it'll be easier for him since your a secret anyway.
      I honestly don't understand how someone could get involved with a marriage man, so little regard for others.

      • totally agree, nothing good can come of this. i know you say you "love" this man, but take a step back and consider how would you feel if you had been in the position of his first wife? if he can cheat on her, he can cheat on you.

        fact is, he shouldn't be having any relationship with any other women who isn't his wife, he has been committing adultery to fuel his own desires, regardless of the hurt it would cause his wife.if he was unhappy in his marriage, he could have left, followed but that fact that he choose to stay with her, and keep you a secret speaks volumes.

        if he is really serious and loves you, islam permits him to take a second wife, ask him to tell his wife and his family. don't ever become a secret second wife. read some of the articles on women who have made this mistake and later come to regret this. how will you feel if you marry him in secret? will you be ok never being a part of his family life? with sharing him with his first wife? how will he split his time equally if his m marriage is secret? will he be able to provide for you?

        also depending on where you live, second marriage are not legal so you wouldn't even be recognised as his wife.

        sister bucks, how are you feeling?

        • I'm feeling ok friendG still going through bouts of depression, quite disabling on some days, but trying to ask more productive questions about why I might be going through this test and InshaAllah trying to achieve more positive outcomes, it will take a lot of time but one day I hope I return back to my normal self InshaAllah.

      • I'm not sure if 'selfish' is a fair accusation, but, she is a bit delusional about the relationship. Marriage in Islam should never ever be shrouded in secrecy. It should be celebrated and open. A wife should not feel like she is a mistress, hidden away for furtive meet ups when its convenient for the man. That is exactly what is happening here.

        • I know it was harsh of me to call her selfish, but delusional or not she knows that this man is married, I'd understand if he had kept her in the dark but he hasn't yet she has chosen to continue this relationship with him. It's selfish because it seems that she is only thinking of herself and not about the first wife whose life she is going to ruin by marrying her husband.
          I understand the concept of polygamy but it should be used as a way out of a haram relationship and if certianly shouldn't be a secret.
          I really do hope that YSA wakes up and smells the coffee and leaves this Man. I'm sure she deserves better, a more respectful husband who will be proud to call her his wife.

  9. Hi....I am filipina and as of now im facing also that kind of situation,me and my fiancee knwn each other for about 3yrs his mom and sister are both agree on me but i left my fiancee fr some reason.And then now he get married, the girl was introduce to him 2days before the wedding and after that the man go back in other country to cntinue his study until we back again in cmmunication.He still love me and i feel also the same way to him,now we decides to get married without his famly and wife knwledge.We will have a civil wed but the judge didnt knw bout his first wife.
    Can u pls give me an advice..Thank you best regards...

    • blue angel, what you are doing is irresponsible and wrong. You both made a choice. You chose to break up with him, and he chose to marry someone else. Now live with your choices. Do not destroy his marriage before it even has a chance to succeed, by inserting yourself in the situation. Cut off your contact with him. Let him move on with his life, and you move on with yours.

      Wael Editor

  10. I was about to face same situation as you. I am a Filipina and Christian and in my country and beliefs, being NOT the only wife is unacceptable. I have a relationship with a Muslim, and now his family arranged an engagement for him to his cousin. Now he can't do anything about it cause he's afraid to disappoint his family since his fiancé is his relative and maybe they will not accept me since im a foreigner and not Muslim. His family dont know that I exist in his life. He wants to marry me in secret before he marries his cousin. Its a very tough situation because I dont know how to accept sharing him with other woman. Up to now, i cant fully comprehend that just a moment we were happy and now he is engaged and maybe he will not be in my future. Its either i will accept to be a secret wife or just leave him. But i dont want to leave him and he told me he doesnt want to loose me either so this is the only solution.
    Im afraid that since i will be a secret wife, and society will not recognize me, my future child wont be recognized too, will be illegitimate child. I dont know how long we will be secret if i accepted this, and since this is interculture and interfaith relationship, im afraid that i will regret it in the future. Too much things to consider since i will hurt too much people. I dont know if this is selfishness but i just want to be part of his life. One thing that makes me want this is the love we have for each other. Maybe i can accept the other wife eventually, I dont know how much pain should i bear since i dont have any right or voice on this relationship at all, all rights belong to the other wife. The future is very uncertain, i dont know if i can receive the fair treatment as he promised, but i will believe in him.

  11. I've been dating a Muslim guy for years he asked me to marry him twice but at the time I wasn't ready now he's married and we don't see each other as much as we used to I've always been the person to say never fall in love with a married man yes he's married but I've been in love with him ever since I was 14 years old now it's like I want him more and more and he don't understand that all he can say is I should have married him when he asks me but yet we can't let each other go

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