Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Secret Marriage To Run Away From Emotional Abuse

secret nikah

When I was born I was living atmy gran’s til my parents brought a flat, so they did, and I slept in their bed
until I was 10, it was a two bedroom flat, but I was sleeping with my parents because my grandfather (dad’s dad) was sleeping in the other room. My father is/was a cheat, a yashi you could say – drinking new girlfriends all the time.
I mean when I was young around 5-6 my ‘dad’ used to take me out on family outing, but not with my mother – but with his girlfriends, and it was a new girlfriend every time. Since the age of 7/8 (which is what one can remember
from) and I can say undoubtly that they probably done it before – the screaming, the arguments and the violence.

So my gran took me in her house, so I lived with her from the age of 10 til present – again I do not have my own
bedroom, even now. So living here was a dream, where I got spoilt etc. Whilst at home there was still the screaming and the arguments. The hurtful piercing screams that scarred me. I never went home unless my gran went on holiday and even that was rare. There in my family (in the UK – where I live) is no female Islamic role model within both my friends and family – so I never had that religious knowledge I just knew I had to pray and fast – never knew why. So I got older and I got a boyfriend at the age of 12, I was dumb and silly I thought it was love it wasn’t. My family found out, beat me. That was the first, not bad because they had a reason to.

As a family we have never done anything together, if we go on holidyas, my parents will not go together it will be seperate, like my dad will take me to pakistan and my mum will take me everywhere else. I actually look at my friends and i WISH that my family sat down together and ate lunch together, not make it yourself. it hurts that people ask me certain questions and i am unable to answer them. I never go out, ever. the only time i ever do go out is to college and il do everything i need to after college, because i know if i ask, they will say no - trust issues - BUT FOR HOW LONG?

  I don’t not react unless I am provoked and I am a patient person, and everyone knows this. My mum repeatedly has beaten me to a point where I am on the floor, for NO REASON. Which according to Islam one should not raise his hand in the rage of anger which she was angry once when she had asked me ONCE can you put the glass in the kitchen. Then by saying sorry and buying me something nice they think it´s fine she’s smitten again.

My uncle, wets breaks and hides my belongings. Everyone knows its him but no one seems to say anything. He
calls me every name under the sun ‘oh slag’, ‘fat whore’ etc. (sorry for the language) yet no one thinks hes in the wrong, but people turn around to ME and say ‘you do it yourself to get attention’.

I have done everything, just to get away from going home and the reality that follows. Iv tried staying in
libaray til they close, iv self harmed, almost suicide to get away from everything but I feel that marriage is the best thing right now.

My father also gives me the cold shoulder, and its getting quite pathetic now. I have been told to go and live
in a youth hostel so I don’t walk into my destruction, but I actually don’t know what to do anymore because;

  1. I'm getting bullied in my own home
  2. I'm like a cast off – a reject that no one wants
  3. Isolated and Angry

I cant think straight. And because of this I confide in men, I talk to boys and that's why; The main point
of this is that I want to get married, now. I cant stay in this family and I
genuinely think it will be better for the type of girl that I am, not that I'm
a slut or anything just I'm free around boys and I know its bad. Iv actually
found a shareef decent in the deen boy, he prays and everything but my parents
rejected him because he’s a few years older than me and got a few scars on his
face, and that he lives in Pakistan. They haven’t even looked at the fact that
hes in the deen, he lowers his gaze. So I want to get married to him at any cost. Should I run away? Because I honestly feel it will be better for me ,both accept the marriage and I have read that if the father rejects the marriage  on a non religious basis then he is in the wrong, our nikah will happen when I reach Pakistan, and my waali would be a judge from the shari’ah court in Pakistan is this right? His family know my situation

Any details required, feel free to ask

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14 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Sister,

    May Allah guide you and help you be a better Muslima.

    Sister, your situation is not good to be in for any person and it requires Sabr to bear all that and then more Sabr to write it down here in a detailed post to seek advices of your fellow brothers and sisters.

    Sister in Islam, you have waited so many years of your life in this mess, can't you wait just for some more time than running away?

    I am sure this is not the only choice left with you. The period of delicate teenage has gone, now you seem to have grown up more stronger and able to bear see the good and the bad, Alhamdulillaah, why just ruin the Muslim growing in you by taking a step in haste?

    Sister, wait, sit down, alone, may be before sleep, just alone, no computer, no internet, no music around you. Just alone and quite and ask Allah to guide you in your thinking.

    Begin to think about yourself, who you are, why you are here in this world, what is your purpose of life, what is your role as a Muslim, are you fulfilling that role, if yes, how much, if no, where do you lag behind, what do you need to do now so that you fulfil the purpose of life for which Allah created you, have you thought about aakhirah, standing in front of Allah on Day of Qiyamah? Think of death, think of what you can do for Deen of Islam before you die, and believe me, not one of us can be sure if we will be alive the next moment, so indeed death is close and we need to turn to Allah in quick repentance.

    Also consider your priorities in life, what do you want to do? Are these priorities fulfilled by a marriage? Does a marriage with a Pakistani guy help in achieving this priority? Is the Pakistani guy of sincere intention and clean heart? How do you know that? Have you given it an unbiased thought?

    We have known cases where people marry for "UK Visa" or "settiling in UK" and then they change, they find their wives uninteresting, fat, etc. So be cautious and tread with care in every unknown territory.

    Sister, do not take any decision in haste. There is a beautiful Du'aa of Istikhara in this website on the top of the page and Insha Allah you may pray and invoke Allah to help you.

    Sister, regarding Istikhara, people think once they do Istikhara, they see something, they see signs, Istikhara is "right" and "wrong" etc. Please "see the reality".

    Istikhara is nothing but seeking guidance of Allah. Your decisions should be based on what your heart says and is it good from Islamic point of view or not. Do not go by vain desires and say like others, my Istikhara did not turn out to be good. It is nothing but prayer for Guidance and it can never turn out to be good or bad. It is seeking the Guidance of Allah in making a decision.

    My aunt prays salaat al Istikhara almost daily and says she does not see any signs and nothing much happens than what is in normal course. And it is true. Surah Al Fatihaa is the best Du'aa for guidance of Allah, we do not pray Istikhara that often, but we recite this Du'aa better than all other du'aas to Allah in every salaat.

    Do we see signs and make decisions after every salaat?

    When a slave seeks Guidance of Allah with sincerity, whether he prays salaat al istikhara or not, Allah guides Him to the better course as He wills.

    Sister, seek Allah's guidance with an open and sincere heart.

    Stop contact with guys without necessity. Sister, talk to other sisters if you want to say something, relieve your heart from the pains, but still, your heart will find rest in the remembrance of Allah only. Not by other ways.

    And when you remember Him, pray salaat and seek His guidance, Insha Allah.

    Sister, do not run away and jeopardise your life further. Only Allah has the knowledge of ghaib, the unseen, but from reading your post I feel some desparation in making a decision.

    Do not be in haste, just see the realities of life, think at night as I told you, think what you want to do with your life, and Insha Allah, you may write back to us tomorrow again with your decision.

    May be an hour spent with your thoughts will Insha Allah be an hour of guidance and you may come up with some firm decision by the help of Allah and write back to us Insha Allah.

    I trust you will do this Insha Allah and will write back tomorrow.

    Your brother.

    • Salam Brother,
      Your words always shows a ray of hope. I would like to ask you for an advice. Is there any way I can contact you via email. I just do not want to disclose is on the forum. I will appreciate if you can help me regarding this matter or if brother wael can provide me any kind of assistance.

      • Assalamu alaykum Sister Faith,

        Alhamdulillaah, I am happy with my efforts that you find a ray of hope always in my posts.

        Most surely you can disclose it to me on my email.

        I know you would speak it here if it were something you could reveal. So do not worry.

        Brother Wael or Sister Z or any of the editors online Insha Allah will soon send you my email id when they read your post.

        Your brother.

        • Thank you brother,
          I just want to know there is something I feel really bad about. Though everyday I repent and ask for my every small and big sin. I am reading Quran, praying my salat on time. However, I am still not finding rest and peace. I am thankful to Allah(swt) for everything but I still can't find inner peace. What should I do? I also apologize to you for my actions of asking you for the email.

          • Assalamu alaykum Sister Faith,

            I am active here for the sake of Allah and concern for my brethern in Islam (brothers and sisters). Alhamdulillaah.

            Coming to your question, try to bring a solution to the thing which is troubling you.

            If you will to accept it and think it is Islamic, accept it and be content.

            If you think what is troubling you is not pleasing to Allah, leave it.

            Allah says in the Qur'an: Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.

            This remembrance can be in the form of reciting the Qur'an, praying salaat, going out of your home and seeing the signs of Allah, the stars, the trees, the sun and the moon and the kind of beasts Allah has scattered and the people and the mountains and the roads and the day and the night which covers it.

            Once you begin to meditate upon the Qur'an, Insha Allah you will be able to see the Qur'an in visual form in front of your eyes.

            See the vast creation of Allah and remember that He is encompassing whole of mankind in His mercy and knowledge. Remember death, Qiyamah, aakhiraah, Jannah and Jahannam.

            Also, Sister Faith, you must remembers the favors with which Allah has loaded you both outward and within.

            Sister Faith, all my answer points to the fact that you have to spend time with the person in you, make her think who she is, what she is doing, is she pleasing Allah or not, is she seeing the signs of Allah around her, how much she is aware and feeling the presence of Allah's mercy and knowledge around her?

            A great deal of tafakkur Insha Allah, shall solve your purpose. Remember Allah, think about Him, Insha Allah, this is a cure for sure for a restless heart.

            If there is something more specific which you would like to state, you may mention it by another name and put forward a post with your problem.

            If this is fine, Insha Allah, then work upon it.

            I do not have much idea of your problem, but all I can say is Sujood to Allah and waking up and praying salaat at night time does help in establishing a firm relationship with Allah and Alhamdulillaah, makes one more strong and focused towards the purpose of life.

            Always try to remove the object that causes sin from your life, whenever you can. If you remove it, Insha Allah, it won't cause you to sin and when you do not sin, you feel lighter and closer to Allah and His Guidance.

            I hope this serves your purpose, Insha Allah.

            Your brother.

          • Faith, Asalaamalaykum,

            I am sorry that you are going through difficulties, but please abide by the policies of this website by logging in and submitting your question as a separate post. This thread is for 'Nesh' - the original author of this post.

            Any further questions asked here will be deleted.



          • As salamu alaykum, sister Faith,

            Your rest and Peace will come together with Forgiveness, you have prepared the road, repenting, but still the pain in there. Forgiveness is a balm for the Heart, Peace comes to us almost inmediately once Allah(swt) bless us with its Presence in our Heart. Ask Allah(swt) to help you and guide you to forgive others and yourself, He(swt) is just waiting for you to acknowledge His Power over your situation in complete submision to Him(swt).


      • Sister Faith,

        It is not part of our policy to allow or encourage the exchange of male/female email addresses. If you wish to do so, you can login and submit your query here as a separate post and it will be answered. If you wish for it to remain private, we can arrange for that too, but it will be seen by all the Editors.

        SisterZ Editor

        • Sister Z,

          Just a question.

          (Remainder of question deleted by Editor)

          • Asalaamualaykum Br Munib,

            Your question is a valid one but not the right place to ask it, so I have forwarded it to Br Wael to answer you inshaAllah.

            I can only speak for, as I work only for this site. And the policies here are that we do not exchange male/female email addresses as there is absolutely no need for it. Advice can be sought publicly, as everyone's identities are anonymous.

            Apart from that, I do not understand why you think it is ok to encourage sisters to email you privately, even if it is for advice. You have suggested this before on other posts aswell and as far as I can remember, you were told of our policies. But you still did the same thing here. I don't understand why you persist.

            Your query though is a very valid one, but only Br Wael can answer it for you since he owns


        • Salam SisterZ,
          Thank you very much for the response back. I totally understand and respect the policies. I am new to this forum so I did not know about the policies much except that I saw people asking for emails and brother wael or one of the editor provided them with that. I thought brother munib was one of the editors too. As I always find him active. I am sorry for that.

          • Thats ok Faith.

            Do submit your post and inshaAllah it will be published shortly.


  2. I need advise on certain matters that is bothering me everyday/night but I do not want to say out in public. What can I do? I do not mind if group of editotrs read my post and advise me accordingly. I also would like brother muniib to give me his advise. Please help me! Thanks. Sister.

    • Assalamu alaykum IknowitSister,

      Thank you for putting your trust in me, as I am not an editor, and in the editors of the site. Insha Allah, we hope to deliver good advices which you expect from us.

      The identities here are concealed, so you may post it in public without fear. But if you still want only our advise and not anyone else to read and respond to your post, then we respect your privacy.

      As Sister Z wrote above to another sister, which I think you read and posted here your comment accordingly, so I think she or any other editor will arrange for your question to remain within the view of editors and myself only and not for everyone to see.

      Your brother.

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