My secret is tormenting me.
Assalamu Alaikum,
I am in a very difficult situation and I don't know how to tackle it, and I am hoping someone can offer me some advice on how best to handle the situation.
I am a 33 year old female and my parents are pressuring me to marry a guy who they believe is the right match for me. I do not want to marry this man for a number of reasons. The main reason is that several years ago, I was raped by someone I knew. I never went to the Police about it because I felt so ashamed. I have never told my family because I have always wanted to protect them. My parents are both extremely religious and it would kill them to know this, and I have no extended family to support me. However, the ordeal I went through left me with very deep-rooted emotional scars, and I have a lot of issues with trusting people, especially men.
For years I have held this secret in my heart and hoped that every man my parents tried to marry me off to would just reject me, because what my parents are 'selling' them in terms of my rishta, is a woman that doesn't exist. I know this is not intentional on their part because they don't know what I have hidden from them for so long, and I know that they are doing what they think is best for me.
I am an honest person and I feel so torn between protecting my parents and protecting myself, and I can't justify going into a marriage without being completely honest about my past as it is something which affects me every day. However, I can't be honest with anyone because this is a huge secret for me, and one which very few of my friends know about.
I also have a lot of other issues I am going through at the moment and my GP has referred me for Counselling due to these issues. All in all, I'm a very messed up woman both emotionally and psychologically, and I feel I have no right to mess up the life of another individual (ie the man my parents want me to marry). I know in my heart I have to deal with my issues myself before I am able to commit to a marriage with anyone, but I am struggling to cope with the increasing pressure I get from my parents, who feel that I should be grateful anyone even looks at me at my age.
How can I handle the situation? Please help me.
Jazakallah Khair.
- LittleJawa
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Assalmu Alaikum Warhatmallahi Wrbkathuhu,
I'm so sorry for the situation your in my dear sister. I would suggest that you openly tell you parents what happened. Its not you fault that you were raped and thus you cannot be held accountable. It only seems fair that the person who is going to marry you has the right to know. Sister, its no going to protect you or your family, if you keep silent about and pretend nothing has happened. You're suffering so much inside, so dont you think its time to let it out? Maybe you're parents are really religious, but that cannot hide the fact that what is done is done. Sometimes, when you talk to someone about your problems it really helps to cure depression and help to move on in life. Normally, we dont talk to others to find an answer to our problems, but rather we're able to face other things in life.
Sister, i know it not going to be an easy thing to do, so make lots of dua to Allah SWT, hes the only one who can help you atm. If the brother that wants to marry understands what you've been through then alhamtillah however, if he rejects then hes not the man for you. If he cannot look past this, then will he be understanding of all the other problems that may occur after marriage?
Theres so many sisters who are past the marriagable age, so when Mr.Wrong comes along, they just wilingly accept.
Also, keep remembering Allah SWT, that is surely the best cure for any disease.
May Allah SWT help you sister to overcome your troubles.
Aameen.
As salamu alaykum, My beloved LittleJawa,
Please, thank you very much for sharing your experience and your feelings, my strongest advice is to go to counselling yesterday better than tomorrow, I mean ask for a good proffesional used to handle this issues and have an appointment, you need proffesional help to get out of this emotional turmoil, they will give you useful tools to survive to that terrible experience, to learn how to heal and to deal with life, day by day, you need to talk about it to someone and get that secret out of your chest, insha´Allah.
You are a healthy normal woman that has been suffering for the last seven years alone, it is normal you are messed up emotionally and physically, but this won´t last much longer, you have the roots of a healthy woman, then now it is time to heal my beloved sister, insha´Allah, you are not alone anymore in your pain, we all are with you, supporting you to heal your wounds insha´Allah.
You will be ready to marry at the right time, don´t get scared, but now the priority number one in your life is to heal, insha´Allah.
There is something I always keep on my mind, before moving a finger, I always tell Allah(swt), my Lord(swt) I know that You will decree the best for me, whatever it is, please help me to be conscious of Your guidance, If You want me to find someone to help me, I will find them, If now it is the moment, I will feel the urge to act, the same with everything in my life, ....Sister you are calling for help and you want to heal, Alhamdulillah, your time to get read of all the pain and the struggles you have been suffering has come, Alhamdulillah. Now, in the Name of Allah(swt) make every movement to get closer to your healing, insha´Allah, you will find the right person to help you,insha´Allah, the right procedure, insha´Allah.
Tell your parents, that you need to get ready to marry, that you feel too presurized and you need to move slower, not everybody is the same, I am sure you will find the right words to calm them down, insha´Allah.
Show them your love and let them show their love towards you, this will help you, you need to know you are deeply and unconditionally loved, but not just in your mind where I know you know it, in your Heart, insha´Allah.
Sister, I know that maybe now it seems very far away everything, but the you have begun the movement to heal, now you are entering the count back to heal, Alhamdulillah, this will be a part of your past, sooner than you think, insha´Allah.
It will help you deeply your five salat on time, to make duas that will soften the pain in your Heart and to read the Holy Quran, everything that makes you closer to Allah(swt).
There is an issue very delicate, but will be necessary, I am afraid so, have you had a test on STD done? better to close the door completely to know that you don´t have anything left and you will be able to face your future spouse without any fear, insha´Allah.
I know you can do it Sister LittleJawa, Insha´Allah. I trust Allah(swt) will guide you every step to get out of where you are now, insha´Allah.
Allah(swt) knows best.
I will have you in my prayers, LittleJawa, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam alaikum sister,,, i agree with both d speakers., i just wanna make some retification or a rejoinder to what khadija opined... Sister i think u should rather conceal it and digest it in ur mind since u claimed that nobody knows.. U see even Almighty Allah does not like people revealing such secretes if he conceal it for them..let alone u know d troubles ur parents will undergo and how hearth broken d man will b.. . Sister u are 33 now, u are old enough to have at least 3 kids now.. I feel if you miss this oppurtunity giving to you Allah at this late hour it will be difficult for you to grab it again. . .. Pls sister, if you know that by you concealling this secret, it will not in any way cause trouble, pls and pls don't reveal it to anybody.... Also i want you to understand that what happened to you was a rape and Allah will not hold accountable on jurdgement day...
Assalamu alaykum,
I believe sisters can understand better and give a soothing response as both sisters gave above.
I cannot imagine how difficult it would be for any of us if our mothers or sisters would pass through such experience and surely one would feel like killing the guilty.
Khair, what has happened has happened. Allah will not spare the wrong doers, for a surety.
I make du'aa for you, and you, O Sister, you call upon Allah day and night to remove this distress from you, surely He will remove it from you, Insha Allah.
41. And make mention (O Muhammad) of Our bondman Job, when he cried unto his Lord (saying): Lo! the Shaytaan doth afflict me with distress and torment.42. (And it was said unto him): Strike the ground with thy foot. This (spring) is a cool bath and a refreshing drink.
43. And We bestowed on him (again) his household and therewith the like thereof, a mercy from Us, and a memorial for men of understanding. - Surah Saad.
Think about the above ayat.
60. That (is so). And whoso hath retaliated with the like of that which he was made to suffer and then hath (again) been wronged, Allah will succour him. Lo! Allah verily is, Mild, Forgiving.
61. That is because Allah maketh the night to pass into the day and maketh the day to pass into the night, and because Allah is Hearer, Seer.
62. That is because Allah, He is the True, and that whereon they call instead of Him, it is the False, and because Allah, He is the High, the Great.
Another advice: If you can afford, go for Umrah and later Hajj Insha Allah. Pray in front of the Kaaba, perform salaat and read Qur'an there and spend a couple of weeks in Makkah along with parents.
Spend lot of time with Qur'an, after all it is the best of the company, Allah speaks with you by His Message.
We are blessed with a blessing with which others have not been blessed. we have the Qur'an to find solutions to our problems.
29. (This is) a Scripture that We have revealed unto thee, full of blessing, that they may ponder its revelations, and that men of understanding may reflect. - Surah Saad.
May Allah give you strength to stand firm as a mountain and fill your life with happiness and joy as He says:
17. No soul knoweth what is kept hid for them of joy, as a reward for what they used to do.
18. Is he who is a believer like unto him who is an evil liver? They are not alike. - Surah Sajdaa.
You never know 🙂
Salaamu alaykum
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Aslaam u alikum sister,
I really want to respond to your question...however I am at work. Inshallah once I get home, I will write.
LittleJawa, As-salamu alaykum,
Your strategy of silence is clearly not working and cannot continue. You cannot keep this secret forever. As Maria said, you must begin seeing a counselor right away. You need to find a way to work through the terrible thing that happened to you. And I agree with Khadijah that it's time to tell your parents. You said that they are religious and it would kill them to know this. That doesn't make sense to me. You did not commit any sin. You were a victim of a crime. You did nothing wrong. The one who is at fault is the one who attacked you.
I even wish that you had the strength to name the attacker publicly and press charges. If he did it to one person, he can do it to another, and probably has. People like this need to be stopped and put behind bars. But even if you are not ready for such a step, you still need to open up to your parents.
Someone commented that you should not tell anyone, because Allah concealed it for you. This not correct. The actions that we are supposed to conceal are the sins that we have committed. If Allah was merciful enough to conceal our sins, then we should not reveal them. However, that does not apply here because you committed no sin.
In fact it's just the opposite. We have to do away with the culture of secrecy and silence that surrounds crimes like sexual abuse, rape and wife battering. We are killing ourselves with this culture of silence. We allow such crimes to thrive in the darkness, while the perpetrators go unpunished. Instead we need to shine a blaze of light on these crimes so that our societies can change.
And sister, I disagree that your parents are "selling" an image of you that is false. What are your parents saying? That you are pure, chaste, and moral? They are right, you are all of these things. What was done to you does not take away your chastity and piousness. You have got to stop feeling ashamed and blaming yourself. I know that's easier said than done, and that's exactly why you need counseling to help you recover your sense of self worth.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalam u alikum sister,
There are quite a few things that need to be tackled here. First, you need to sit down and think about why you feel guilty. I know that raped victims feel guilty because they partly blame themselves. This guilt can be real or it can be perceived (in one’s head). For example, let’s compare someone who is attacked and raped on her way home by a stranger vs. someone who is assaulted by an individual who she is seeing. The guilt of the first is quite different from the second female; also the first will recover sooner than the second individual mainly because of sense of responsibility. From what you have written it seems that it was by someone who you knew, trusted and saw. Therefore, you blame yourself for what took place. I have read what my brothers and sisters have advised. I believe in order to overcome from this ordeal, sister you need to accept your part in it. In other words, you need to accept and forgive yourself for what happened. If you deny your part no matter how small or trivial it may be...you will carry the feeling of guilt. When I commit a sin, I acknowledged my sin, and then ask for forgiven from my Maker. If you look at all the Prophets (May Allah be please with them)...no matter how small or trivial their mistakes were, they always acknowledged and then asked for forgiveness. This is very important sister, as most people tend to skip this step. When Prophet Adam and Eve (May Allah be pleased with them) committed what is called the original sin. They acknowledged their wrong and then asked for forgiveness "O Lord, we have wronged ourselves, and if you do not forgive us, we will surely be among the losers". (Al-Araf 7.23) So sister, before you do anything you need to sit down and understand why you feel guilty. If you do feel you have even a bit of part in it, then accept what took place and then you will be able to better handle the situation.
Second issue is that you want to be accepted by your parents, it is only natural. What you want is to be told not be strangers but by loved ones is that it was not your fault and they still love and accept you. When I was small or should I say when I was immature, I used to tell my parents about everything bad that happened to me. People said that, he did that or she was mean etc. What I wanted to hear was that it was not my fault, and that they still side with me. However, as I have grown older, I have stopped doing that. As you are well aware, your parents love you and when they see you in pain, they experience pain as well. So, when I used to tell them about incidents that took place, I would see that I was hurting both my mom and dad. So, I stopped telling them about my difficulties that they have no control over. It is one thing, if you are asking for advice and you know that other party can do something about it, however it is quite another thing when you know that the other party have no control over and will just feel more helpless. This is the second thing you need to think about, why you want to tell your parents about it? Would telling them about this help with the matter itself? Would the person be brought to justice, if you inform your parents? Or is it more emotional support you are looking for? There is another issue involved here sister, the person who committed this crime against you, do you think he is remorseful and guilty...if you think he is then I would advise you to try to forgive him and hid his sin.
The Qur’an states:
“… They should rather pardon and overlook. Would you not love Allah to forgive you? Allah is Ever-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Qur’an, 24:22)
“The repayment of a bad action is one equivalent to it. But if someone pardons and puts things right, his reward is with Allah…” (Qur’an, 42:40)
“…. But if you pardon and exonerate and forgive, Allah is Ever-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Qur’an, 64: 14)
“But if someone is steadfast and forgives, that is the most resolute course to follow.” (Qur’an, 42:43)
“control their rage and pardon other people.” (Qur’an, 3:134)
Forgiving someone who have wronged you, I mean truly wronged you, is very tough sister. Sometimes it takes years, but if you are patience, then Allah is the Most Forgiving. Also, if you conceal and forgive someone’s sin (that includes major sins against oneself as well) then Allah will conceal yours sins on the Day of Judgment.
However, if you think he is going about and exploiting other females then I would advise you to bring his actions to light. What I want you to do is, try to separate yourself from this incident, and don’t moult your whole self with this one action. This one action does not define who you are as a whole!
Talk to Allah tallah, I tend to talk to Him about all the random things. Engage Him not only while you are praying but also just in normal everyday routine. Besides I will tell you He will forgive you 110%:) because He is the most forgiving... On the authority of Anas, who said: I heard the messenger of Allah say:
Allah the Almighty has said: “O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as its.”I really love this hadith.
Lastly, you mentioned that “I have a lot of issues with trusting people, especially men”. Me too sister, heck I don’t even trust myself let alone other people. So I have given Allah tallah the authority over my all my affairs. 🙂 that made my life so much easier. In Prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him) words “Wondrous are the believer’s affairs. For him there is good in all his affairs, and this is so only for the believer. When something pleasing happens to him, he is grateful, and that is good for him; and when something displeasing happens to him, he is enduring (sabr), and that is good for him” ( Muslim ). The way, I incorporated this in my life is that I don’t expect anything from anyone, if people are good to me I take it as a blessing but if they are bad to me...I don’t let it affect me as I never expected anything from them to begin with. In terms of marriage sister, istikharah is the way to go:) easy breezy. That way, you will commit to that individual through thick and thin, but if you decide or if your parents decide then if hardships befall you...you be second guessing yourself.
I hope and pray this helps you sister.
Take care of yourself and talk to Allah tallah, He is the best Listener and the best Companion and the best part is He does not get annoyed or bugged by yours constant bugging:)
P.S. I don’t think you need to tell your husband to be about all your past issues etc. I don’t know where people come up with this one! I have not read anywhere in the Quran or hadith where Allah tallah or Prophet (peace be upon him) is advising people to disclose if they are virgin or not. You need to be comfortable with your own self, you need to accept yourself with your sins and mistakes, understand you are only a human and will make mistakes. This issue is between you, that man and Allah tallah. Other parties do not play a role...that includes husband to be! I can quote a lot from the Qur’an on this issue but I will let you do the research on this.
I want to comment on Ayesha705 answer
"P.S. I don’t think you need to tell your husband to be about all your past issues etc. I don’t know where people come up with this one! I have not read anywhere in the Quran or hadith where Allah tallah or Prophet (peace be upon him) is advising people to disclose if they are virgin or not. You need to be comfortable with your own self, you need to accept yourself with your sins and mistakes, understand you are only a human and will make mistakes. This issue is between you, that man and Allah tallah. Other parties do not play a role...that includes husband to be! I can quote a lot from the Qur’an on this issue but I will let you do the research on this. "
In quran , it is told that a man can have 4 wives if treated fairly . How many women would let their husband have another wife if he financially strong and caring ??. In Quran , it is said that the fornicator must be lashed 80 times and the adultress and adulterer stoned to death , Who follows this law ??
I can also quote many laws which are given in quran and sunnah which muslims do not follow .
A future spouse have full right to know the past . Why do you want him to get STD and not get equally treated for being pure . I think , it's equivalent of being cheated . Please next time try to be balanced and ALWAYS TAKE IN CONSIDERATION HOW OTHER PERSON WILL BE AFFECTED IF HE FINDS OUT THE TRUTH .
I wonder why these sort reasons are always brought up by females on this forum . Do females over here even consider what a male thinks .
You were raped . This is non-consensual sex . You are ABSOLUTELY not guilty . You must talk through this matter rather than to deceive and start a relationship based on deception .
Actually there is nothing in the Quran about stoning.
There is no automatic right for a future spouse to know about one's history. If is something that will materially affect him, for example if the woman has an STD, or a disability, or a child, then it should be disclosed. But if it is a matter of personal mistakes or issues that occurred in the past, then there is no requirement to disclose such things, and in fact it is not healthy to do so, as it only breeds negative emotions. (I'm not speaking specifically about this sister who was raped, but in general terms, as your comment was made in general terms).
It is not deception. I strongly suggest to any woman when she is asked about her past, to say, "My past is between me and Allah. If you can accept this then ma-sha-Allah, if not then I understand if you would prefer to seek another marriage partner."
That is an honest and fair answer. If the woman chooses to disclose something because she feels it will impact the man in some way, then that is good also.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaykum,
Never make "MISTAKE" of telling your past. br. Wael is 100% correct.
If it was a beneficial thing, we would recommend it, but from his experience br. Wael knows and so do many of us the consequences of revealing things about the past. Many relationships have ruined, partners have lost trust, the sweetness of love is harmed and whenever a fight or argument occurs people do not take a second to remind about the past.
So what br. Wael said is better.
Salaam.
* * *
@Wael
It is not deception. I strongly suggest to any woman when she is asked about her past, to say, "My past is between me and Allah
If a woman says that , bells would be ringing in that man's mind . Any man with logical thinking will find it suspicious , (Well not all men but most of them )
Although I agree that this situation does not apply to rape victims . They are innocent .
Well, yes. It's a way of saying, "Yes, I committed some sins, and I made mistakes, but I have changed my life and made tawbah to Allah, and I'm not going to talk about my past."
I think that is a perfectly valid response, and like I said if a man is not satisfied with that response he can walk away.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
What he said is a better way.
No to be husband meets first time and starts asking about past.
It is a thing asked when people gain trust or start to develop interest for each other. At this time if something is revealed like - I loved a guy or I loved a girl etc or MORE (which do happens in many cases) then people forget about the person, they forget about their feelings, all the time their minds work on the past revealed to them. Negative emotions come up in a string.
And still it depends on different individuals. Some guys like me can take the "shelling" and be unaffected because past is past, what matter is who she is now. But our brothers nowadays pay importance to things which do not deserve importance and ignore things which are more important.
Were all Sahabas virgin? Did they not do any sins in times of ignorance?
Anything done in ignorance should be forgiven and anything done after coming to faith should be judged by the Book of Allah and then forgiven if one wills after that and the matter goes between that person and Allah.
We are trying to make the earth "jannah", we want all things perfect in this earthly life, which is impossible. Earth is place to toil, to face the test, this is not jannah and so we should try to seek " Peace" in the toil, which is Islam and not try to make earth Jannah, because we cannot.
Salaam.
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I am not buying the reasons Wael and brothermunib posted in their defense . I respect your opinions but can't take it as a fact . I, am also sure that many men would agree with me . I could have posted long history of sahabas life , muslim women at that time , hadiths and surahs in my defense but I don't think it is a right thing to do it over here and start a verbal fight .
I would like you to respect my opinions as I respect yours .
How stupid it would be to ask a woman of her past?
Why I mean? Why?
If you know her past what would you benefit by knowing about it?
If she willingly tells you, and you can understand, it is fine. If she does not want to tell, the guy still keeps on pushing her, as you said, bells ring immediately, than a good Muslima, hwho may have a bad past, but is now on the path of Islam, should not care to take a life ahead with such guys.
Because those who suspect this way, will keep on suspecting after marriage as well. It is as simple. Whereas those who trust initially without caring to know anything of the past, they will trust their wives even after marriage. Insha Allah. Tell me which of the two would make a better pair? Answer me?
We are not arguing or fighting. We agree with each other to an extent and on some points we don't and we respect right to speech, but we are also using this website as a media to develop a superior thought process.
We want our youth to be more trusting, to be more forgiving, to be more accepting and to be more patient. We want them to develop a positive outlook towards life and love their spouses for their present commitment to the Deen of Islam and not care for the past. Let them care for their past and seek forgiveness of Allah on their own.
If they have had a bad past, then come to the path of Islam and Allah blesses them with a good husband or a good wife, then Insha Allah they will be more thankful and will also know how wrong they were and with what good person Allah has blessed their married life.
So we need to overlook many things in done in times of ignorance, care for our youth not to slip in to vain conversations and actions leading to sins and disturbances in exsisting relationships and develop a positive outlook towards life.
We respect your time, responses and sensitivity towards the issue, forgive us if you were hurt.
May Allah help us be obedient to Him and guard us from whispers of Shaytaan.
Salaam & wish you a happy Jumu'a ahead 🙂
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Brother a Muslim Man,
I can understand that it is probably very, very difficult for you to accept a woman with a past (even if she is still a virgin) and many men do think along the lines you do. However, what must be understood is that we are all human. Many people do commit sins in their young age especially when they are not guided Islamically or come from dysfunctional families. However, we must look at the larger picture. If a person has committed a sin, asked for repentance, made amends and has never returned to that path again, although it may be difficult for you to accept, does that person not deserve some credibility for not relapsing back? I mean I think everyone will agree that if a person who has some sort of sexual experience and after that has never turned that back again, is surely a strong person who has worked on their faith? If you’ve never experienced it, it’s to say “Oh ill never walk that path because you haven’t experience the pleasure from it” but a person who has experienced it and then refrained for it till marriage, surely that person must be a strong person from within to resist for that long?
I feel this rigid and dogmatic approach actually will break down many women and deter them from going to the right path as they may feel their amends will make no difference to their future husband. It’s important that we forgive for the sake of Allah swt. Deep down you know brother that if Allah swt can forgive His people and He has assured us that He will forgive sincere repentance, then so should we. Of course, we don’t have even an ounce of mercy within us that He does, but wouldn’t it make our lord so much happier that for His sake because we love Him so much we have forgiven his person? You never know this very act of yours may be your gateway to jannah, because Allah swt knows how hard it is for you to forgive someone with a past. Maybe this may become your test as Allah swt has said that He will test you through fear, loss of lives, food, etc. So brother try to open your heart and bring in some light. This life is only temporary. Once you go in your grave you won’t be worrying yourself with if your wife had a past or not, at that moment none of these things will matter; only you’re good deeds will be focused on.
-Helping Sister
Bismillah al rahman al raheem,
As-salam alyakum sister,
I am very sorry to hear what you are going through and praying for you as we speak......what you have been through is lightly speaking physiologically very damaging in every sense of the word.
I have not read any of the comments made above...except for the first one by sister Khadijah (which made a lot of sense)
From what I can understand you simply have some options:
1. You keep your secret to yourself for the rest of your life
2. You open up to your parents and tell them what happened to you and how it has affected your life
3. You tell your future husband what happened to you after you get married
From what I understood the 3rd option is not what you are looking for or can accept. Theoretically the outcome can have some effects on your relationship with your future husband. He may ask why you didn't tell him before the marriage, why you weren't honest with him, how were you able to keep something so difficult a secret for so long etc...etc.
Option number 1.......the question is are you able to live on like this, do you feel deep down inside that you can someday live a life (married/happy) without having the thought of what you went through and moving on with your life, without having told anyone?
Option number 2.......Deep down inside do you feel that you have to tell your parents, not because its a secret that they don't know about...but because you will feel relief of telling them and the support from the most closest people who love you? If they really love you...don't you think they will support you and understand?, If a pious and righteous man comes along, and knew about your situation, don't you think he will not look at your past in the way you are afraid of?
Sister I think that if you look into your heart and mind.....you already know which option you want to take, and what will make you feel better.
If you have faith in Allah.....you should know that He knows every thought and pain you have been through and he will guide you Inshallah to the path that will relieve you from this pain and torment.