Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’ve been seeing a married Muslim guy secretly for years

Secret relationships are a bad idea

Not that I'm in the habit of taking advice from church billboards, but in this case they have a point. Secret relationships are always a mistake.

Hi, I am a Non-Muslim who moved to a Muslim country 5 years ago.  I feel very interested in Islam, but I don't want to convert unless I am sure that I can fulfill its obligations to the best of my ability and be sure that I understand everything properly.

My problem is that 5 years ago I met a Muslim guy and I loved him very much.  I felt that he loved me too but then he got married to a Muslim girl.  He didn't know this girl well, and through family pressure and his own desire to marry another Muslim he got married and had a baby with her.

Throughout this time we continued to talk and we became closer and closer.  This relatioinship was purely platonic although I still had deep feelings for him.  A few months into his marriage, he started to have problems with his wife, as he realised they were incompatible.  She caused problems with his family who he is very close to.  Of course, I only hear his side of the story so I can't judge his wife's behaviour.

After he was married for 3 months he told me he had made a terrible mistake and that he loves me and for the last 3 years we have been in a relationship (non-physical). His wife knows about me but not in the context.  I know all his family very well and they are encouraging him to marry me.  They call me daily to check on me etc.

He has told me that he wants to marry me but has to stay with his wife also because of his daughter.  I feel like he is bound to her not because of his daughter but because of what people will think of him.  Being a foreigner I find it difficult to contemplate being a second wife but I am prepared to do it because of how I feel about him and his family.

Just now, waiting to see if we will get married or not, I am consumed with guilt because I feel like he is cheating on his wife. I have insecurity wondering whether he will marry me - not due to his feelings because I'm sure he loves me but whether he will be able to look past what people will think of him marrying a foreigner.

I have tried to have some distance from him but I can't stay away.  I wish I had the Muslim faith to help me gain perspective.

Please give me some advice.

- exasperatedlaila


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25 Responses »

  1. I am a natural born cynic, so I apologize in advance if I offend you. Also, as a Western woman who has seen men from various muslim countries "happily marry" Western-born, non-muslim women only to cast them aside once the VISA/LPR status/citizenship is final, I have but 2 questions for you:

    1) what is your nationality?
    2) how much do you make per year at your job?

    If you are of US, Canadian, or UK nationality and are gainfully employed, you just might be (and I say might) the golden goose for this man's family. Tread carefully.

  2. Hi,

    Thanks for your response. I know what goes on in these places like the holiday areas, where a foreighner meets a Muslim guy for a bit of fun etc. But I live and work outside these areas. His family own and run their own real estate business so they're reasonably well off and educated.

    With regards to the visa thing I have already offered him to come to the UK with me but he's flat out refused and I know he wouldn't fit in there anyway. It would be much easier for me if he would come.

    If he's only out to get something...I just don't know what it is - the visa isn't even a possibility for him, he has never asked for money,and we don't sleep together. If I thought that he had another motive I could easilly drop him. Like u said i've seen it to many times before with foreigners, I''ve lived here for a long time.

    • I am an Arab lady and I am sorry to say I agree with the commenter you are the golden goose. No Muslim family wants their son to marry a non Muslim and non are unless they have a gain.

      Even Arab men do this to other Arab women if they are from the west.
      His family love you because your origin and what it means for them.
      I know I seen it happen to non Arab women who married algrrian, moroccan and Egyptian men.
      I have sat with these men and the families while they plot.

      One thing I will say Arab men are the best actors and deserve Oscar awards they sure no how to pull at the heart strings. Seriously I feel sorry for the ladies and I warn them then they come back a year or two later or 5 years after the husband got passport n citizenship and tell me their sob story. I warned u and u didn't listen. I come from a community who do this often and they know all the tricks. I tell others to save them heart ache... and I am telling you the same.

      Red flag

  3. But what I don't understand is that he married his wife under pressure from his family, yet his family is encouraging him to marry you, and cares for you. Is this the same side of the family, or differing sides?

    • Hey,

      So he married this girl, who his mother set up for him she was a friend of the girl's mother. Apparently when they got married she completely changed and became demanding and lazy etc. I don't wan't to demonise the girl because like I said this is all one side of the story. His family tell me about her, he doesn't speak about her only to say that there's nothing between them exept for his daughter.

      His mother and his wife don't speak at all and she moves back in with her parents every other week because of arguments between her and him.

      So really when I say family pressure it was all from his mother. I always got on really well with the other members of his family but she had a change of heart now that she sees how the marriage is playing out. To be honest he is a bit of a mummy's boy.

      Even independent of him, i spend a lot of time with his family...go on holiday, go shopping etc. They're like my own family.

      That's why it's so hard to think about just leaving him and moving on. I know how it seems...I've heard similar stories myself but i'm not naive.

  4. Hello Sister,
    Where is he from?

  5. She moves back in with her parents every other week?? So where is she living when she's not with her parents? Him and or his family? Kudos to him for not backbiting his wife, but why would his family do so? What do they have to gain by airing his dirty laundry???? What is their motive? Why would you want to be a part of a family that treats a girl as such? What has she done wrong other than marry as required of her, fufill her wifely duties, and have their child which requires consumation? There's "nothing" between them except their daughter? Nor will he divorce her? I don't know, but the entire situation seems hinky at best.

    • So what do u thinks going on? I would understand if he was gaining something being with me but he's not apart from possibly a bigger headache.

      I think for the wife the marriage was a convenience as she comes from a poorer family I don't know if she loves him or not.

      I just don't know, Should i walk away? Should I give him an ultimatum? I know the situation isn't good and i don't want to leave him but i'm just so angry at him for this situatioin in the first place u know. he wanted this and now that it hasn't worked out, he's left everyone messed up. I know it seems pretty clear cut about what the smart thing to do would be but he just seems to have this kinda hold.

  6. here is my adivce:

    this man is already committing a big sin by seeing/talking to you and he is MARRIED. so do not expect he will be loyal to you when you marry him.

    leave the idiot and let him fix his current marriage for the sake of his child. you sound like a nice woman. you will find another man one day who is SINGLE and will focus 100% on you and you can build a good future together and have children without access baggage.

    you will only destroy your life and the first wife's life if you marry this man. do not do this to yourself or the other woman. it isnt fair for both of u and you shouldnt let your heart or emotions decide ur actions. use your mind and dont be love blind.

    nothing good EVER comes out from being the second wife. EVER. first wife will consider you a selfish home wrecker. sorry but thats the truth.

  7. Salam. Im a foreignor muslim girl living in alex egypt. I know (roughly) the egyptians thoughts on marrying foreignors. They are all supportive, they love having a foreignor as a wife. So why is it that this guy doesnt seem to want to? Regarding his marriage problem, I think he should solve it first before getting another woman in the picture. Sorry to say but You shouldnt contact with him because he is married. Are you stil in egypt and are you a muslim? cos if your not, all this make more sense 🙂

  8. Sister,
    Give this guy an ultimatum. If you love each other and the family is supportive of you, why not marry. Sister this guy is taking you for a ride.
    I have been in that position, so i know. In my case, the guy's family knew about me and my family knew about him. He is rich so he didnt want anything from me( money, citizenship). The family was supportive of us. Trust me, the love felt very real because he made promises, some he kept, others he didnt. When i gave him an ultimatum, he left. He didn't even bother to glance back at the grief he left me with, yet he loved me. He broke my heart and didnt care at all. I moved back home and am still trying to get over him.
    If he really loves you, he should make you his wife, put a ring on it. People are like that, they lie and take advantage. If he is still with his wife it is because he loves her not only for the daughter. If the marriage was out of pressure, was the child?? He slept with her and impregnated her out of his own will. Dont be fooled.
    Make sure you dont get short changed.
    All the best, i hope it works out for you.

  9. @Sister R, sory for asking is it bad to marry two wives? If u like them both (not at the same time) i mean after u marry one, you now see another girl u love again cant u marry her instead of funicating with her

    • sallam

      islam allows multiple marriages.

      but men forget islam teaches to lower your gaze, dont commit zina, dont have bad intentions wih people.... maybe these should be practiced first then consider more wives

      Allah hafiz

      • Islam did not allow marriages to be made as if you were changing clothes. You marry one and then keep looking around and then want to acquire her and dump the 1st one. This is abuse of Islamic law. Islam allowed multiple marriages under very different circumstances. It is people like these men who make our religion look bad.

  10. hi,

    i think he married but ofcourse not out of love and because you are not out of the picture so he is not letting you go out of his life either. he obviously is treating his wife in a manner that she doesnt feel loved and may be she is expressing it in being complaining to him and family. if he is saying nothing about her behaviour it might be that he is telling his wife by his actions that he doesnt love her.

    i think you should distance yourself from this man and his family for your own sake. if he wasnt brave enough to say to his mother that he wants to marry you , he wont be brave enough to divorce his first wife and have you as his new wife. he is taking the opttion of second marriage so that he doesnt have to answer people that look at him he married a foriegner, he was having an affair etc. he may love you but this love means nothing if he cant stand up for you. if you marry him as a second wife , he will not make you very public and your life will miserable.

    sister dont follow this route. just change your path.

    may Allah help you with your decision.

  11. What an low class family to treat the mother of their grandchild with such disrespect, the apple definitely didn't fall far from this lots tree, in you shoes i would run a mile you've already wasted 5 years don't wasted a second more move on find someone worthy of your love a man standing on his own 2 feet and not one with a bunch of enablers backing him up,

  12. AOA,

    Why are you fraternising with such a lowlife? As soon as you knew he was married you should have cut all ties. He and his family are disgusting. He is a married man having a albeit platonic relationship with another woman, who he slanders his wife to.

    Why do accept his lies that his wife changed and became lazy? She would have been tired being pregnant and all the time he was running off to have cosy little chats with you, how do you think she felt with no support or care?

    I suspect that his awful mother spoilt and effeminised him and expects her daughter-in-law to put up with poor treatment just because she did too. He probably stirred bad relations between his mother and wife just so he can appear less wicked and act like things are not his fault.

    The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) advised that men look after their women. However, men have failed to do this throughout time, which has lead to ruination of families and society.

    There are plenty of good points raised by fellow commenters. Please remove yourself from this scenario and find a better way for yourself. Imagine if you were in his wife's position and how would you feel if the 'fancy foreign woman' was standing inbetween you and husband. You don't want to be an agent for the shaytan and be blamed for things.

  13. I think you're right. I called him and told him it was over. He told me he would get the divorce if I wanted and i told him it's not me that has to want it. I said I was finished and i couldn't do it anymore. I told him if he wanted to get the divorce it was his business and should not be related to me. I also spoke to his mother who called me straight away and told her if she hadn't interfered all that time ago we would never be in this situation and whatever his wife does or doesn't do I don't want to know about it. The rest of his family have been calling me constantly from yesterday and i've just stopped answering.

    I just need to keep away from him now so I dont break my resolve. I feel really sad and numb but strangely at peace knnowing that i've taken myself out of the situation.

    I want to thank u all for your comments and giving me the wake up call I needed.

    • sallam sister

      i think youve made a very wise decidion, im so proud! your so right his divorce should be if he wants it not if you want him to and it shouldnt be related to you! you deserve someone so much better and if his parents didnt give you any value those years back they certainly wouldnt do it now!

      I can understand the sadness and numbness but you did a terrific thing and inshallah you will be blessed for it!

      Allah hafiz

  14. hello:
    Its up to u and your family , what to decide. You should marry if You can sustain and incurrence the first wife and accept her share, otherwise you may create difficulties for yourself.

    "... Marry of the women that please you; two, three or four, but if you fear you will not be able to deal justly, then only one..." (An-Nisa 4:3)

    Thanks , it may hep you

  15. I am the so-called married Muslim guy and I just like to make some things clear. I see my girl has been writing about our problems on here and she has now stoped talking to me because of some of these comments. From you view, I know the situation is clear but it is Allah alone who judges and see whats in our heart.
    When I met this girl 5 years ago, she was the first one for me ever to spend time with and I liked her a lot. I asked her to marry me after 3 months and she told me no. My family said I should marry as like this was haram. My mother introduced me to another girl who was egypian and told me she thought she would be better for me. After thinking I thought she was right she would understand me cos she Egyptian also. we got engaged and I thought I would grow to like her like the other girl and I did for a while but always thinking about the other girl. When we were engages she was very kind and nice. I told her about the other girl and that she was like my best friend and if she wasn't ok with this then we shouldn't marry.
    When we married shegot pregnant straight away and then she completely changed. She was always talking about money and that i didn’t get her enough. Her father and brothers would call my brothers to ask for money all the time and she would play my family against me, telling them i treated her badly and didn’t give her anything. She got into fights with my mother and sister almost everyday and she would scream at me. one time she was shouting and i wanted to leave but she stood in the door and told me to make her get out the way. i pushed her from the door so i could leave before i did something i regretted and she told all my family that i beat her and they stopped talking to me. She also broke into my father's safe and stole money . She never prays and this is one of the reasons i thought it would be better to marry Egyptian woman because of religion. My life with her is like hell. I have no romantic feelings for her and i think she is the same but i love my daughter too much and if i divorce her i know she'll go back to her parents and i don’t want my daughter growing up with them, they're not good for her.
    About the other girl i love her a lot. i can't think without her. i didn’t speak to anyone for 2 weeks now. I don’t want anything from her – money,visa nothing i just want her. i told her I wanted to marry her and i mean it but i want to make sure my business is running well so i can have enough money for her and my wife and daughter. that’s why it is taking long. 6 months ago i found another man wanted to marry her and i felt sick i didn’t know what to do but she told him no. Really we have something special we are connected. shes not Muslima but she is a good girl and very smart. I don’t know what to do now i know i was stupid but i want her back please help.

    • Dear brother, you will always be this little girl's father...that will never change....follow your heart...do istikharah....we can all advise you but you have to live with the result of your decision. May allah (swt) guide you.

  16. Well once u married ur love and care everything should be forur wife did u really find out why she became like that's did she find out about ur affair and then maybe she changed why did u even keep in touch with other women once u were married maybe that's her way of expressing her hurt what if u found out about ur wife being in love with another man after u marry and if she's so bad why don't u be the good one and be nice to her no matter how bad a person is if u r good 2 them then they will eventully change sounds like u dnt relly care abt wat happens to ur wife be a man and sort ur marrige out insted of jumping in to another

  17. Well said Mohamed

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