Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In search for peace and guidance

Man in prayer

I had been in a relationship with a guy A for six years, he got his parents to my house for marriage proposal but they were not happy at all and their attitude passed on the message to my parents that they were against it and were doing it forcefully.

His parents were against cuz we were the same age. During this period I got another proposal from guy B through my family the guys family is well off guy is well educated and my parents insisted me on speaking to this guy..only seen negative was that they are settled in Pakistan and im born n brought up in dubai.

My mom was not well at all during this period and disturbing behaviour from A’s parents and being talking to guy B inclined me to refuse to guy A and agreed to B’s proposal. Just about a week after refusing guy A I realised I had done a big mistake and cannot live without guy A I returned back but he refused to speak to me i was in a big shock, I then started making up my mind for guy B but was quite disturbed within so went to a maulana who said that guy A is proposal is suitable and guy B was not by just asking both the guys names and their mother names i was in a big shock again ....

Two other maulanas said both proposals were fine and if the girl is satisfied go ahead..i decided to do istikhara myself…I got no dreams but was disturbed every few days… then my dad spoke to the guy A if he could work things out but he simply stepped back saying he changed his mind

During this period I kept talking to guy B and got many negative thoughts about him so I kept doing istikhara but my heart was still not to another maulana who said proposal is not suitable …i got a chance to clear all my doubts I had about guy B and they all turned out to be positive, his reaction everytime was very calm and positive all though I did a lot of cross and stupid questioning but my heart was still not content..

I had doubts because he does not pray regularly, I had doubts because he had many female friends, I had doubts because he always emphasized on western dressing ..he tried getting physical everytime we met..i started istikhara again and this time on the third day I got a disturbing dream but again on the fourth day I got a dream where I was happy..

I have told my parents about how I feel but they feel I should think over it because it is a very good proposal and talks have been going on for around 6 months now and we don’t find good proposals around easily now a days..and by now even I feel attached to the relationship..but this time im not in love.. I am very confused..i approached two other maulana’s yesterday who said the proposal luks good..i need guidance and peace in my decision.

~ Soul2

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14 Responses »

  1. Salamualaikum Soul2,

    How did the "Maulanas" get to know that the proposals were fine? Did they know both men from before? Did they talk to these men in order to find out how they were?

    If they told you "out of the unseen" then know that it is against the Quran. Allah Says:

    In Surah Luqman, Aayah 34:

    Verily, Allah! With Him (Alone) is the knowledge of the Hour, He sends down the rain, and knows that which is in the wombs. No person knows what he will earn tomorrow, and no person knows in what land he will die. Verily, Allah is All-Knower, All-Aware (of things).

    None has the knowledge of the unseen but Allah. Anyone who claims to have it is a LIAR.

    Going to such people wastes your prayers for 40 days. Believing in them leads to Kufr.

    So, avoid going to such people and rely on Allah and His Guidance. When you have a confusion, you should approach those who know for opinion and you should do Istikhaarah for yourself.

    You did Istikhaarah, good... Now you should know how to perform Istikhaarah. You can't just rely on a dream as a result for Istikhaarah. It rarely has something to do with dreams. As the dua reads, if the matter is good for you, it becomes easy and you get Barakah in it. Otherwise, Allah Saves you from it.

    You should do it with complete trust in Allah and conviction that whatever is good for you will happen.

    My advise regarding marriage is that if you are not comfortable with Mr. B, don't marry him in order to avoid post marital dissonance. Mr. A, if he works things out and his parents accept you, it will be great. But I advise you to not marry Mr. B because you said he does not pray regularly and he tries to become physical everytime you meet him. This tells something about him...

    And when you said "he was emphasized with western dressing" I suppose it has to do with Hijab. If it is the case, then you should never marry this guy. Because he can not take the dignity of a Muslim woman away from her.

    Do Istikhaarah regarding Mr. A and In sha Allah, if he is good for you, things will work out well.

    And Allah Knows Best.

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

    • Yup, this is what I would say too. Totally agree with you.

      Sister, Do not marry guy B. He is terrible and you know it. Try to make things work out with guy A insha'Allah.

      Learn how to perform isthikhara prayers insha'Allah. And do it again.

      Finally, dont go to mawlanas. Approach the family of potential partners and not stranger mawlanas.

    • Brother Waseem,
      I agree with you that istikhara is the right way. but many times even after doing so many istikhara no clear result comes out.So people go to maulana who are masha allah more devoted to Allah and pious just to know whether our decision is right or not.I know their are some who made it a business. But their are some who tells without any cost. i know one maulana who cost no money he even tells us to be punctual to namaaz and quran.

      • Its is known that isthikhara prayers has to be continued if there is no result. It has to be done atleast 7 times. And getting dreams, feelings etc is not neccessarily the only way to get results. Somtimes Allah would make events unfold before your eyes regarding a particular matter.
        Prophet said " Your prayers are answered unless you hasten saying " I prayed but no answer came " " . It is our duty to be patient. Normally, everyone gets a result with Ishtikhara if done in proper manner taught by Prophet.

        There are many fake maulanas in sub-continent. Even though they tell us to be punctual in salat and read Quran that doesn't make them pious as even a normal non practicing muslim would advice the same. Many of them are for play. Best if isthikhara is done by the person in need of guidance and not rely on sombody and then if bad happens, put the blame on maulana.

        There's an authentic hadith which states that, there was a theif who used to steal food, one day a sahaba caught him and wanted to bring the theif to the Prophet. But the theif told the sahaba that he would give him one good advice and in return the sahaba has to free the theif. So the theif told the sahaba to recite ayat al kursi before going to bed, for it will protect him from shaytan. Then when the sahaba inform the prophet of the whole event, the prophet said that, the theif was Iblis himself even though he gave true advice.

        You see the irony ? 😀

    Observing the Customs of Non-Muslims (I)

    The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “Are you observing a pagan custom! I was thinking of invoking such a curse upon you that your appearances might be deformed.” [Ibn Majah

  3. Cheerful,

    When a person does not take money for any such service, then there are two possibilities.

    1. He is doing it for fame
    2. He really has knowledge and speaks within the limits of the Quran and the Sunnah.

    The first one is the same as the one kne who takes money. The second one is a person who advises based on facts and based on what he knows about a particular person or a matter. This person speaks within limits of the Shareeah and doen not involve the matters of Kufr and Shirk, unlike the former ones, who have an alliance with the Shaitaan.

    You should be careful about who you are talking to or seeking help/advice from.

    One of the signs you can recognise the evil among these people is that they ask for your mother's name when you go to them for help.

    If you ask me, I would sometimes go to a Shaikh because he is moreknowledgible, explain my problem and seek his opinion. He would in turn point out what can be done and what should not be done. This is totally allowed in Islam. But most people claim to have the knowledge of the unseen, claim of possessing power over Jinn, and what not. This involves Shirk and Kufr. May Allah Save us from it.

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

    • Asalam Alaikum brother waseem,

      Only Allah knows who is doing it for fame.He sits in masjid in a small room.He refuse to take even gifts etc. not even a cup of tea from anyone.I am not taking his side i just met him once.why i liked him bcoz he is a old man and emphasizes more on namaaz, dua.he never force his decision on anyone (which is a good thing)he says what he thinks but never force to do that way.even i asked him that has anyone done black magic on me.he said no just keep on reading namaaz.

      • Sister,

        Why would you think that someone has done black magic on you? Seriously, all this talk of maulanas doing istikhara for you and black magic; its not right.

        Its simple, use your wisdom, do istikhara yourself and seek advice from a few wise and trustworthy people - and then make your choice.

        Also, it will be of benefit to you if in future, you have committed to one man for marriage, don't start pursuing another one at the same time. That is wrong and will make any man run away. Be clear, transparent and do the things the right way.

        SisterZ Editor

  4. Sister,

    If a man does not pray regularly, but knows that he needs to and wants to improve his state of prayer - this is a good thing and it can be worked on with love and good example. But if he does not care about his absence of prayer, this is not good. At the same time, regardless of good prayer or not, a man who respects you will never try to become physical with you before marriage, neither will he want you to wear non-Muslim attire in public and neither will he socialise with many females.

    Allah has shown you what you need to know about this man. If you think it is good and you want to pursue him, then do Istikhara yourself. If you do not like what you know about this man, then move away from him. So instead of knocking on doors of all these Maulanas who have never met him, use the tools of wisdom that Allah has given you and make your decision based on that.


    As for Guy A, if you have tried to re-pursue things with him but he does not want to, then leave it and move on. If he comes back to you himself, then deal with it at the time.


    The bottom line is this sister, that Guy A and Guy B are not the only men in this world. It does not have to be a one or the other and you do not have to put your life on hold because if them. One is definitely a bad apple. And the other one is withdrawing himself from your life. So go with the flow and just look after yourself. Clear your mind of both and have patience and faith. Allah will send you something better when the time is right, Aameen!

    SisterZ Editor

  5. I dont really get this that why YOU ALL PEOPLE PERCIEVE that istekhara IS THE CRITERIA FOR MARRIAGE ....... Dont make secondary thing as primary tell me how many of you when get a job do istekhara or or in other walks of life? . I AGREE WTIH SISTERZ RJECT BOTH GUYS BECAUSE U FIRST AND FORMEOST BOTH RELATIONS ARE HARAM ,, U SAID THAT U HAVE MET THIS GUY B MANY TOMS WHICH IS ITSELF HARAM .

    and u do get many good proposals myself personally got sommany from different part of the world but i reject simple unless not satisfied ..


    Assalam o alaykum

  6. salam alikum , not B for sure

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