Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Separated and secret marriage

I met my husband at a social outing. We started out friendly and fell in love. He was very worried he would never get his families permission to marry. We ended up eloping and I got pregnant. Sometime into my pregnancy my husband changed his mind about our marriage because I am a few years older than him (just a few)! This was very hurtful to me of course, but I said we would make it work. He finally told his family of our marriage one month before our child's birth. For two weeks they were very angry then accepted our marriage and have been very good to me.

Well, just before our child's birth my husband was offered a job in another country. It was a good career move, but meant we would be separated. Myself and his mother told him not to take the job if it meant being separated. He took the job. To complicate matters. Even before our marriage my husband and I rarely socialized with his friends because I am a western woman and he is a Muslim man. He told me muslims don't date. After marriage since it took him so long to share with his family our marriage he never shared with friends either. I tried to be understanding, but this just made me feel he was ashamed of me. I have never been a religious person. I have studied both Christianity and Islam before meeting my husband, but never committed or reverted to either (I am a conservative person). By the time of our child's birth my husband was once again very loving with me. When our baby was five weeks old he took the job in another country and promised he would say he was a married man, something he had not done at his office at the time of our marriage (claiming family should know first). He did not tell his colleagues he was married at his new office because he was uncomfortable about colleagues at the old office discovering and this would bring him shame for not standing up from the start of our marriage.

One year into his posting away from us I discovered my husband was emailing woman in the country he was in and asking them to meet (we met about every six weeks for a few days and a few times for a few weeks). Over the next six months I discovered the same kind of emails twice more. Our marriage became very strained. I became very demanding he show respect and stop this behavior as well as ask for a transfer. He agreed to ask for a transfer, but never did. So the forth time I discovered him emailing woman I was out of control angry and telling him I am considering divorce and want to shame him by letting his colleagues know he was married all this time. He told me to be patient and we would be together his next transfer. Also saying, I was being very selfish bringing up divorce and not considering how it would affect our child and families. He never showed me remorse or asked my forgiveness for his actions. I planned to move to my country after his visit.

After a few months apart from him at a greater distance I missed him very much and let him know (we did have a very loving relationship at one time). He remained cold toward me. Then he visited his family and after the visit became very sweet toward me in chat and on the phone. I shared with him I felt he went to ask his family if we could divorce. He got very cold toward me and said he had not and would not have to ask their permission for divorce. From that time on he has been cold towards me.

He is finally being transferred to a country we can live together in. He says he wants us with him, but I do not feel he is happy and told him this. His reply was that our last time together he cannot get over how ugly I was towards him talking about lawyers and divorce plus the difficulty of having to finally share at the office he is a married man. He is now telling me it will take him a while to feel good about us and that I have to stop arguing with him. Saying he is like this towards me because I argue with him too much. I can't help it for the longer it took him to tell his family of me and then not telling his colleagues and emailing woman. Resentment has built in me. He always starts our visits very sweet and I end up bringing these issues I have up. So now he is saying I need to change or our marriage will not last. I tell him I am willing to work on it and am being sweet towards him now. He still remains distant towards me. I keep telling him he has to work on things too and he just says when we come together.

Now you have the history. My question is am I sane to still want to make an effort with this man. I do not know how to get through to my husband that I love him and feel he needs to make just as much effort by using positive words at this time. I want to feel his remorse and love (he says he still loves me, but does not say "I love you"). All I do is make him angry bringing up all our issues repeatedly. He has asked we wait to join him for a month at his next posting so he has time to tell the company he is married. After much arguing I have agreed. I really want to give our marriage a chance. We really had a beautiful love for each other till reality set in for him. He now shows and says he is over the age difference (it was all about me looking tired during the pregnancy), but he cannot let go of my attitude of resentment. I'm trying to let it go. I feel he is not and putting the blame of the state of our marriage on me. How do you get a man to step up and accept responsibilities for how his actions have affected things. OK I had two questions.

P.S. I am once again studying Islam. I feel much shame over how the beginning of our relationship started (secretly). I believe his attitude towards me now is more to do with the fact that he will have to face colleagues very soon and share he has been married for the past three years and a child. When the all view and treat him as a single man...

2 Responses »

  1. he is ashamed of you i think you should divorce him. some men are like that scared to stand up to responsibilty. wish you luck!!

  2. you both need common ground. that should be islam. really ask yourself why you were born, what is your purpose in life, and who is the creator. study islam deeply for answers and ponder. does it make sense? it will soon enough. i pray for you sister.

    as for your husband. he is a coward. but maybe once you become a muslim woman, it will bring you closer to him. because what makes people compatible in a relationship is similiarities. and the biggest one is faith. what do you belive? and muslim men dont behave like him, but everybody is human and we all make mistakes. its never too late to change.

    keep studying islam. it will answer EVERY question. and solve every PROBLEM. i swear on my grave. if you arent getting a good understanding of islam and many things confuse you maybe you need someone to explain it to you better. or maybe the person your learning from is not doing a good job. dont believe what you just hear but try to get material from authentic sources.

    please call 1-877-WHY-ISLAM

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