Severely depressed over broken promise of marriage
Asalaam alaikum. Me, Sarasaif converted from Hindu to Muslim and got married to a Muslim guy who loved me a lot.
It happened 8 years back. I was a widow and it was indeed of security and finance to lead life with a girl child. The marriage was not held in any mosque and without any witness. And our relationship continued. The reason for this was that he was married already and had one child. He said he will wait for some time to get things settle up properly interms of finance.
Now everything is fine he is earning a lot yet he is not giving me the social status for me as his wife, rather he is ready to serve for me and my girl child. What am I to do now ? Crazy about men’s behaviours.
My heart is broken waited for years to get the status of his wife. I feel like commiting suicide with my daughter and am under severe depression.
Please advise me.
Saira
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Salaams,
I understand that the situation you are in must be very stressful and dissappointing. Someone else has made some poor choices and you're paying the price, it seems. However, two wrongs don't make it right. By entertaining thoughts of harming yourself and/or your daughter, you are shifting the blame onto two people (yourself and your child), neither of whom deserve it. Your daughter has done nothing wrong in the scheme of things, and she deserves not only the chance to live a full and happy life, but she deserves to have you, her mother, by her side as she learns and grows. Even though this is a painful situation, you do have choices on how to respond that won't cheat either of you out of the meaningful future that Allah has planned for you. Make the commitment that regardless of what's been done to you, you are going to move forward embracing life and whatever Allah has in store for you and your daughter next.
I have to admit that I'm wary about the validity of your marriage. You mentioned that there were no witnesses to your wedding, can you describe in a little more detail what exactly happened? If there are no witnesses to an Islamic union, there is no marriage at all. If that turns out to be the case in your situation, then technically right now you wouldn't be his wife, even a second wife. You would essentially have to start from scratch and have a valid nikkah with him, and then of course demand your rights as a true wife.
If your marriage is by chance valid, I guess it would help to have some clarification on what rights you are seeking from him. Is he not taking care of you and your daughter financially? Is he not spending equal amount of time with you as he does his other wife? Is he asking you to keep your marriage a secret and refuses to be seen in public with you? These of course are important issues and you have a right to have him resolve them satisfactorily. In general terms, if a man is not upholding his marital rights to you, you are entirely free to request a divorce and seek a husband who will. If you would rather not divorce, then you will need to ask your husband to explain his behavior and ask him to start changing his ways. Marital counseling may be needed to do this effectively, since this has already been going on so long.
One thing is true, you DON'T have to be a victim to his ways of treating you. You don't have to suffer silently while he continues to play the same games. You can confront the issue with him, and you have a reasonable basis to expect him to respond with care. If he doesn't, you don't have to waste precious days and years of you or your daughter's life waiting for him to change on his own (something that may not happen as it is). Don't be afraid to seek what YOU want in your marriage and life. You have value, and others should treat you with value. If they aren't, you aren't obligated to demean yourself by continuing to subject yourself to their careless ways. You can dream of the future and marriage that truly satisfies you, and take the steps to achieve it. You no longer have to wait around for him to start living a fulfilling life, you can start living it now by defining your goals and accepting nothing less than whatever it takes to reach them.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sarasaif, it doesn't sound like your marriage is valid, though I cannot say for sure. And it also sounds like your "husband" does not intend to marry you. I don't think he ever did. There's a saying in English, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" In other words, why should he make a commitment to you when you give him everything he desires without it?
I think you need to give him an ultimatum. Either he marries you properly and publicly, or you walk away with your daughter. Give him this ultimatum and stick to it, even if that means leaving him. It's better to leave him and suffer heartbreak, and one day you can find someone who will love you and marry you properly.
Do not ever, ever think about suicide. That is the worst, most selfish thing you can do. As Amy said, your daughter deserves her chance to live a good life, and she deserves to have a mother who loves her.
Please see my article on suicide:
Suicide in Islam
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor