Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Sex at the age of seven, do I have sins for that?

Abused girl

Hey everyone ! Asalamu alaykum.

Well first things first. I'm new to this site. I found it, after making many searches on Google, and I found this website. I read so many posts from others that have just caught  my heart . Many I can relate to, while others I pray for who ever is going through it to have a peaceful time.

My question is rather unpleasing to me, and even though I'm writing through internet and no one here knows me I still feel very ahamed that I am even putting this here! Okay. Well I'm a 17 year old Muslim girl right now, and I'm wondering I am still a virgin, or do I have sins for this crime that I committed years ago?

And when I get married do I have to tell that certain guy?

I  don't really remember how old I was but I know I was probably 6, 7 or 8, and I ended up having sex with a guy who I'm positive to say was 2 years older than me. So, I believe he was 8, 9, 10 (matters really how old I was) but I don't know!

At the moment, I was young and didn't know anything! I knew afterwards though that I did something really bad. He lured me into doing it, him and his older sister. Who from to this day on, I regret ever meeting . I can remember it very clearly as all of it was yesterday so that's why I believe I was more like 7 or 7 1/2 ..maybe 8.  I wouldn't really call this rape because I wasn't forced, well I don't think I was.

The whole thought of it still haunts me to this day! And sometimes I just feel so ashamed when I think about what I have done.

Please if you have any advice, or answers to my questions please feel free to comment . My Allah reward you with Jannah (Ameen).


                                       SECOND QUESTION.


My parents keep telling me that I will get married to my cousin in arrange marriage; but I don't want to marry him. What should I do?


Well me and my mom always have conversations about my wedding , and who I'm going to marry . Which really get's on my nerves, because it annoys me a lot!

- She always keeps telling me that I’m going to marry my cousin once I turn 22 or 23. My cousin is 1 year older than me, and lives in Africa. I live in the US, so we don't ever talk. We never ever once saw each other, and honestly I have no feelings towards him at all, other than he's my cousin. Before I continue, I should also mention that my mom is not alone in this situation. From the day I was born, my mom told me that she, my dad, my grandpa, and my auntie (mom's sister), and uncle have all said that I was going to marry my auntie's son (the same aunt, whom is my mom's sister just like I stated  before). Since I was like 14 or 15 my mom kept telling me I was going to marry my cousin. I kept rejecting her little opinion; little do I know that she actually wasn't joking around. So Now I’m 17, and she still keeps telling me that same annoying plan of hers and the rest of the family! I keep telling her that I’m not marrying him, and that I'd rather stay single all my life, which from her face expression I can tell it really does bug her, even though she tries to hide it.

This is some sort of family tradition that runs in my family, which is really getting old. My mom married her cousin, my mom's siblings married there cousin, my mom's dad married his cousin, my dad's parents are cousins you see the trend just keeps on continuing. And I believe they are trying to make me a part of this unstopping family trend. I have no permission to bring a guy that I want home, or he can't come to ask for my hand because they'll just reject him. I have the option to say Yes or No to the idea of marrying my cousin, but I know once that day comes and I do say No ... I will be forever hated, screamed at , etc. I find this whole idea not fair. Also, I have no permission to hang out with my friends or leave to go anywhere, unless my parents are coming along. The only thing I do is go to school and come back home. I'm at least happy I have the internet. Also, I will never have permission to go nowhere or do anything even hang out with my friends, no matter how old I turn, unless I get married. They made marriage a way to gain freedom for myself.

I’m really worried though. What If I do find the right guy for me, & I know we can never be together. No one knows how restricted I am, not even my friends. To my family they find this all natural, and normal. I find this all a way to restrict me from the world. They don't want me to go anywhere by myself because they believe I’m going to meet a guy and fall in love with him. I don't know what to do. I don't want to marry my cousin..... ! I hate my life. I barely talk to anyone anymore, and when I meet a guy I barely ever talk to them, because I don't want it to lead to something that can never happen. I may never meet the love of my life, or ever be with them. I promise though, if I do end up marrying my cousin, because of the way there acting towards me ... I will keep my distance from him till he asks for a divorce..! To me my cousin is like a brother even though we never met, I want to marry someone outside the family.

Please I need all the advice I can get, or how I should take this. Sorry! I know it's very LONG. but I had to tell it all in details , thank you for the support , may ALLAH help you with any problems you have like they way you have helped me. (:

- depressedx


- depressedx

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26 Responses »

  1. Salamualaikum,

    Sister, regarding question 1, what you did was a sin, but you were still a child who hadn't reached the age of puberty. Hence, I believe you haven't lost your puberty. What happened can not be changed, but if it has been written as a sin in your records with Allah, then you can have them erased or changed into good deeds, by doing good deeds and asking for Allah's forgiveness for what has happened. What you did was something you perhaps wouldn't have done now when you are in your senses.

    Regarding question 2, I would say that you have full right to accept or reject anyone in marriage. I will give you examples from what I have seen in my family.

    I have 8 paternal uncles and 5 paternal aunts (Masha Allah). When a daughter of one of my uncles was young, my grand father decided that she would get married to his older son's son. The same thing was decided among some other cousins of mine, too. But, what I say was that when they grew up, they did not like each other or one of them did not like the other (though 2 or 3 such relationships succeeded). One of my cousins decided to marry another girl and had his parents and the girl's parents in tears. My other cousin openly rejected the girl who he was engaged to, saying she isn't beautiful, and married his maternal cousin, who was beautiful. This again left the girl's parents in tears.

    It happened so, just because of what was done in their childhood, while they were not in their senses. If they informed their parents when they attained the are of puberty, instead of waiting till they were ready to get married, then the damage would have been much lesser than the actual.

    Hence, I advise you to speak to your parents, giving the reason you do not wish to marry him. Speak to them about this, so that it does not get late and they do not start preparing for your marriage. You could ask them to look for a different guy. It will surely create some issues in the family, but it will have a lesser impact than what could happen, if you ignored it, until its time for your Nikaah.

    I hope you understand what I mean.
    If required, give them the example of my family I mentioned above.

    I hope it helps.
    May Allah Help you in this
    Muhammad Waseem

  2. Salaam sister

    I am just writing a quick response to your 1st Q
    As you were seven years old, you would not be accountable for any sins you commit. Once we reach the age of puberty we are then judged according to our sins. Chidren are innocent. However it is not true that rape is necessarily forced in a violent manner and what happened to you was not sex it was rape. As a child you didn't know any better and were lured.

    My dear sister you have nothing to feel ashamed about - it was abuse. Do you still know the guy or his sister. What is a concern is that if he is free he could be continuing to harm other little girls. He needs to be reported.

    Sara Editor

  3. Dear sister, As-salamu alaykum,

    You are not responsible for what happened when you were 6, 7, or 8 years old. There is no sin and no crime.

    Quoting from

    A person is not held accountable for what he does while he or she has not yet reached the age of puberty. A person is not punished for anything he/she does during this period. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) has stated this: "The pen has been raised for three persons (meaning they are not held accountable for what they do): one who is sleeping until he gets up, a child until he reaches the age of puberty, and an insane person until he becomes sane."

    As to the authenticity of this hadith, it is recorded by Ahmad, Abu Dawud, At-Tirmidhi, An-Nasa'i, Ibn Majah, and Al-Hakim, who classes it as sahih (authentic) according to the conditions stipulated by al-Bukhari and Muslim. At-Tirmidhi classifies it as hasan (i.e. of a good chain of transmitters).

    It is out of Allah's absolute Justice that children are not held accountable for the deeds they do before the age of puberty. Not only this, but out of Allah's infinite mercy and favor they will be rewarded for any good deed they do as well as those who guide and encourage them to do so.

    Ibn Rushd said: “The bad deeds of young children are not recorded but their good deeds will be recorded, according to the sound opinion.”

    The author of Mawahib al-Jalil said: “The scholars do not differ concerning the fact that children will be rewarded for whatever acts of obedience (to Allah) they do, and will be let off for any bad deeds that they do, and any bad deeds they do deliberately will be counted as mistakes.”

    According to al-Ikmal, many of the scholars said: “Children will be rewarded for their acts of obedience (to Allah), and their good deeds will be recorded, but not their bad deeds.”

    (End of quote).


    Actually what was done to you was child molestation, even though the perpetrator was also quite young. You were a victim in that situation, and as you say, you didn't even understand what was happening.

    Try to let go of your shame, as you carry no sin from this incident. You can still consider yourself a virgin, and when you meet someone for marriage Insha'Allah there is no reason to tell him about it. If you find it hard to let go of the incident then you should see a counselor or therapist with whom you can discuss it confidentially.


    On to your second question: Do not marry your cousin. If you don't wish to marry him - and clearly you don't - then don't do it. Islam has given women the right to choose. No one can force you to marry him against your wishes. Don't give in to the emotional pressure. Don't agree to consider it, don't agree to get engaged. If you continue to hold a firm opinion, eventually your family will realized you cannot be convinced.

    What your family is doing is actually extremely unhealthy. First cousin marriages are unhealthy as they carry an increased risk of birth defects in the children. In an isolated case, the risk goes up only a small amount, from 1% to 4% or so. But when you get repeated first cousin marriages in a family, as has happened in your family, it causes severe inbreeding and the chances of birth defects can leap as high as 15%.

    That's what happened to the European royalty. They would only marry other members of the royal family, so over the generations they became very inbred, and they began having frequent cases of mental retardation, deformity and insanity.

    Normally a child must obey her parents. But in this case your parents are trying to do something against Islam by forcing you to marry against your will, and rejecting all other suitors. So in my opinion, if a good Muslim man comes to you with a proposal, and you like him, you should accept, even against the will of your family. Find someone else to act as wali - perhaps a local Imam or anyone you can trust - and get married.

    Wael Editor

  4. Asalamo alikum wa rahmatullahi wa barkataho

    May ALLAH swt forgives u if there was a sin involved, ALLAH swt knows best and we human have no clue of what is right or ALLAH swt is the forgiver (1st question)

    well what can i say ALLAH swt knows better who ALLAH swt has already choose for u , and u have no clue to who that person is, so wait and watch who is that person (2n question)


    • That's true . But if your parents say no to everyone available , and only say yes to one . Then you kind of do know who that person is or will be.

  5. Narrated Khansa bint Khidam Al Ansariya: That her father gave her in marriage when she was a matron and she disliked that marriage. So she came and (complained) to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and he declared that marriage invalid. [Bukhari] Please share this very important Hadith.

    well i found this hadith. so i dont think ur marriage is going to be valid if its forced. maybe you can tell ur mom this. and really, i dont think u should be getting married to someone u dont want to, its just going to end in divorce or something. u dont even know the guy :/

  6. This issue of parents looking/choosing a good and pious spouse for there children!! I really find it very interesting and to me its absolutely ok... You know, someone doesnt need to suffer him self and waste his time looking for the right partner...
    For me, had it being i had this good oppurnity (of parents proposing me with a pious and marriageable beautiful girl), i would have being the happiest parson on earth... It would have help me alot, save my time and prevents me from, you know! Jumping from here to there, in my city, through the internet, etc , searching for the right spouse.. I really see this as a blessing. So my advice to you is pls you should rethink, and dont misuse this opportunity, BECAUSE IT MIGHT BE DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO GRAB IT AGAIN, especially when you have grown older, and thats when you would even be begging your parents or asking your community leaders to provide you with a spouse (and then, you wont be so choosy as you are now), you would blindly accept anyone that comes your way, because your weak point would be marriage and thats what you would need the most.. This would happen when you allow your self to reach your 30s or 40s whilst single (because of your choosy nature).

    By the way, am not trying to hurt your feelings, am just telling you the bitter truth. Just pause for a minute and think on what i said.


    • you are so right in your reply and may you find your lady ameen

    • Hmm.... I don't know about that . I'll just see where life takes me, and what Allah has stored for me . But if you don't like someone ..... what's the point of continuing on ? No feelings what so ever . But good luck to you , and no hard feelings here. I appreciate your honest support.

    • First of all the woman have a right to choose there Spouse and not be forced into a Marriage they don't want. The sister of from the US and her cousin is in Africa. She has the right to her opinion and why she doesn't want to marry this person.
      You are talking as if her Cousin is the only Opportunity and she wouldn't be able to find anyone else and get Old. There are many choices and marriage prospects other than her Cousin. What her Parents should do is find her other Marriage Prospects and she will choose the one she likes before she gets Old. Your advice makes it seem like she or her Parents won't find anyone else other than her Cousin so she shouldn't mis this opportunity. So if the Sister doesn't want to marry her Cousin, then there are other Men her Parents can find for her. She and her Parents can definitely find other Prospects for her and she can get married in her youth.

      Also this seems like a Pattern and Custom in her family to select a Spouse for there children as soon as they are born. So brother there are many single young men and woman and it won't be difficult for this sister to Grab a Husband for herself before she gets old and not having to marry her cousin.

  7. Asalaam alaikum,

    As it has been stated, you did not commit a sin because you were unaware and immature of the actions you were taking. Even if your body responded to the crime, it is still sexual molestation that was done to you. One of the tragedies that rape victims face is that their body may unwillingly respond during the crime and they feel infinitely guilty and ashamed over that fact. This is no a bearing on their consent, because they did not want it to happen. However, this is part of the horrible nature of what the other person had done to you. It seems that you may need to seek private counselling for what you still feel over this part of your life.

    There is no excuse what the other child did to you, however it is possible that these children were abused themselves and were inflicting their shared abuse on you. They could have been abused by an elder person, who showed them how to do this and coerce others into it. As you said, the sister seems to have played this role and it's possible that she was abusing her brother in this manner for some time. This does not excuse their behavior, but it may be a clue as to why they did what they did.

    Yet Islam, it s a very kind religion and there is always an acknowledgment as to the mental state of the person who is either trapped, coerced or mentally unaware of what is happening to them. So for these instances, especially when the person is such as yourself, there is no crime or sin on them. You are free from this episode regarding guilt of sin, as is the instance of a mentally insane woman. Why is this?

    According to an Islamic narration, the woman who is mentally incapable of knowing what is being done to her carries no crime, sin or punishment. However the male in this case, even if he were insane, would be guilty of a crime, sin and decreed punishable by the shariah, because he knew the actions to take to force sex upon the female. Since in your case, there was the mitigating factor of rape by coercion from the sister, the sister would also be guilty of a crime and sin, if she had thus reached the age of puberty, which it sounds as if she had. The ruling is decided by this logic:

    "It is because the man involved in such a case commits the crime deliberately and sensibly, i.e. with full knowledge of his sensual feelings and as to how he should do it. Where as the woman with whom the crime is committed and who is only an object in the case and has no sense at all as to what is being done with her, but at times she is totally ignorant of it."

    Though that ruling comes from the state of the mentally insane, what it shows is that Islam does consider intent and knowledge of the person. This is a legal and religious fact that predates current Western "intent" laws by centuries. As we say, Allah (swt) is All-Aware and Most Just.

    Sex under duress or coercion also bear another narration upon us. During the time of the second caliph, the following had occurred, found in both Sunni and Shia sources.

    Ibn al-Qayyim's Turuq al-Hukmiyyah

    "A woman who had committed zina was brought to Umar ibn al-Khattaab and he asked her about it and she admitted it, so he commanded that she should be stoned. Ali (as) said: "Maybe she had a reason." So he said to her, "What made you do that?" She said, "I had a partner who shared livestock with me; his camels had water and milk, and mine had none. I got thirsty, so I asked him to give me something to drink, but he refused unless I let him have his way with me. I refused three times, but I was so thirsty that I thought I was going to die, so I gave him what he wanted, and he gave me something to drink." Ali (as) said: "Allahu akbar!...But if one is forced by necessity without willful disobedience nor transgressing due limits, then there is no sin on him. Truly Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." 2:173

    It has been related from Arbaeen Khateeb Baghdadi that a woman was brought to Hazrat Omar.
    She was found committing adultery on the banks of a certain river of Arbistan.
    After examining the witnesess Hazrat Omar awarded her punishment of stoning to death.
    Hearing this judgement of Hazrat Omar, she uttered the following words,
    “O God! Thou knoweth that I am not guilty.”
    These words of her enraged Hazrat Omar further.
    He said to her, “You committed adultery and still you dare belie the witnesses.”

    When she was being carried to the place where she was going to be stoned to death,
    she met Hazrat Ali (as) who was passing by that way.
    Seeing her, he asked the executioners to take her back to Hazrat Omar for further investigation.
    When she was taken back to Hazrat Omar, Hazrat Ali asked her to relate her story to him Hazrat Ali (as).

    The woman in question related her story to as follows:
    “My family has some camels. Yesterday, I took them out to the desert for grazing.
    At about noon I felt thirsty, but I had no water with me to drink,
    neither there was any water in the vicinity with which I could quench my thirst.”
    “A little way off from there,” she continued, there was another man, who had water with him.
    But when I asked him for a little water to drink, he refused to give a single drop of it to me
    unless I agreed to commit adultery with him, but I refused.”
    “When I felt very thirsty and was about to die of thirst,” further continued the woman,
    “I agreed, under compulsion though, to allow him to fulfil his carnal desire.

    Having heard the story of the woman Hazrat Ali (as) exclaimed,
    “The one who is compelled by circumstances in case he or she is not disobedient
    and does not exceed the limits of law and go beyond the restrictions put on him or her by Allah
    they are not responsible for any crime committed under such circumstances.”
    Hearing this Hazrat Omar released the woman.

    So we surely can therefore gather, that there is no sin upon you or recorded for you.

    Regarding your second question over your cousin:

    One of the vital aspects that you understand is that your family is bearing an unhealthy control over your life and choosing a husband for you that you do wish to marry. The latter is a sin in Islam, and if you were forced into marrying him, then the nikkah would be considered invalid. Islam requires consent by both individuals for the marriage to be religiously legal. However, what should you do in your situation to bring some sense to your parents?

    One of the actions to take, is to find an alim who can speak to them on this issue, as this may help them to understand the gravity of the sin they are committing by not letting you have the freedom to choose your own spouse. For none other than the Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) has decreed that the bride's consent is required. If your parents do otherwise, it would pit them against the Holy Prophet, himself. As we all know, following the life and teachings of the Holy Prophet is vital to our lives as Muslims and acceptance of our faith by Allah (swt), as this is borne in our testimony of faith. Your parents need to comprehend that what they are doing by forcing marriage on you is then outside the tenets of Islam.

    Perhaps you could also contact your cousin and kindly explain to him that you have no interest regarding marriage to him. It is better to be openly honest with him, tell him that the whole idea is unpleasing to you and that you wish for him and yourself to find individually respective spouses, instead.

    Please be conscious of your behavior, however. Forming potential relationships or speaking to non-mahrams, outside of the limits of business or acquaintanceship, is only permissible when a proposal is sent forth within the proper channels. As your parents may be hostile to this idea, once again, seeking Islamic counsel from a trustworthy alim may prove beneficial in this regard. The alim may know of a potential spouse for you, as well.

    The most important thing to realize is that you have time on your side to make inroads on this issue. Don't panic and think that it must all be solved today, as your parents will need guidance to see the error of their ways in time. Be kind to them, but never relent that your decision for a husband is yours' alone. Show them that you are a young woman who should be dignified with this right, as it is a right given by Allah (swt) over his creations. Steadily and surely, things will change Insha'allah. Not only that, but you will probably be going to college soon, so many perceptions will change during that time.

    Place trust in Allah (swt), make dua and strive in His way on this matter. Surely, you will find a great reward waiting for you.

  8. Say no to this marriage, what happen to you was not your fault, and rethink make sure you make a decision for you sister, you cant please everyone round you, because at the end it is your choices and life. I wish you the best

  9. 1) Sister regarding your First question. You won't be accountable for your sins before you reach Puberty. Though I have some questions. Are you sure it was Sex? Because the boy that was involved was also a kid since you say he was 10. So he couldn't have reached Puberty to actually perform sex. If you get what I mean. And you should still be a Virgin because to loose your virginity penetration has to happen but he was also a kid so he cannot have reached sexual maturity. Also some people are saying that what happened was Rape or Molestation. I wouldn't say so because both of you were Children and you consented. So it wouldn't be Rape.

    In modern laws, Teens are considered Minors even after reaching Puberty. And if they have consensual sex with a Adult over 18. Then it's still called Rape. In Islam however, Teens should know what is right and wrong after reaching Puberty. And if they consented to Sex then both would be punished for Zina and it's not Rape even if the other person is older than 18.

    Since both of you did something wrong but you wouldn't be accountable because you were children and not yet reached Puberty. However you said that the boy had a Older Sister. If this girl did reach Puberty then she would definitely be accountable for her Sin. And I also doubt what kind of individuals they have become now, since this boy did this along with his sister, so it's just gross.

    2) Woman in Islam have the right to there Opinion and who they want to Marry. More precisely the Guardian and the Woman should come to the same decision in selecting a Spouse for her. The Guardian is a Male member, who is the Father, if there is no father then brother or any other Mahram. Both should come to the same decision.

    I can understand your reason for not wanting to marry your Cousin. Though he is technically not a Brother but you view him as Such. Though Cousin marriages are allowed in Islam. It doesn't seem healthy as to what your family is doing of only Marrying Cousins. And I think it can create problems of continued generation after generation.

    You have to explain to your Parents. And show evidence from Islam. Maybe have them visit a Iman to discuss that they shouldn't be forcing there daughter. Some Parents don't realise that in a forced marriage people may not be happy and the Marriage may get in trouble. If you were to be forcefully married, the marriage would be invalid and you don't have to have a physical relation.

    Sister in Islam we aren't supposed to look at other people who aren't our spouse with desire and lower our gaze. We should talk with the opposite sex(non Mahram) only when needed and not when alone. If we become too friendly or close with them it would lead to feelings of attraction and desire.

    The best way to find a Husband is for your Parents to look for Prospects and you get to choose whom you want to marry and your Father should agree to it. Another way is if a man or a woman has found a person and want to marry them, then they should contact the person in a halal way. A man should contact the father and the woman he wants to marry. And a woman should have her Mahrams contact the Man she wants to marry and if they agree for the Marriage Proposal.

    Finally sister in Islam, we should all Marry and find a Spouse and because it lets us fulfill our Desires in a Halal way and our Spouses to be the coolness of our eyes.

  10. How are you doing now sister? Is everything fine?

  11. Hi, I hope you're doing well sister 🙂 and everybody else who has seen/read this.

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