Sex before marriage and its consequences…
Hi.
I am 22 years old and just finished my masters degree. My parents have chosen a suitable boy for me to get married to and I have agreed to the marriage because I trust their decision. I have started talking to him via whatsapp and text and I really like him. He's a nice guy and I know he'll keep me very happy.
However, I wanted to be absolutely honest with him and when we were talking about our sexual past and experiences, I told him I wasn't a virgin but that at the time I was forced into having sex and didn't know what was happening. Yet, a few years later when I moved out for university, I kissed a few boys and performed a sexual act on one boy I thought I liked at the time. I have since absolutely regretted it and wished it never happened but when my potential partner asked about my past, I didn't want to lie to him and told him everything I was prompted to answer straight up.
At first, he was really upset - which is what I expected but I couldn't have ever forgiven myself if I had lied to him. I would hate myself for feeling like I had trapped him into marriage.
A few months later though, he's told me that he'll marry me because he has really started to love me but won't ever share a bed with me, kiss me, or hug me. He doesn't want to touch me.
This makes me feel so dirty and although he says he loves me, I feel unloved and ashamed of myself. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.
Should I still marry him?
I need some advice
thanks
pearl_764
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yes i think u should marry with him then try to win his trust if he really loves u he will forgive u
And what if she can't win his trust? Then she will be in a bad marriage where her husband won't touch her, won't talk to her and he actually resents her for her past.
It's always a bad idea to marry someone out of the idea that you can change them to be the kind of person you'd want to be with. What you see if what you get, and if you don't like what you see, then don't marry that person.
salam its very nice to b truthful to ur partner but my sister wht u did in ur past that is between u and Allah ask forgivness may Allah forgive all of us for wht we did wrong amin. sister his saying showing wht he feel for u i feel like he love u but might b not able to forget abt ur past that is y he said he will not touch u then y he want to marry u so better u must not marry him.Only Allah subhan taala who forgive us and never remind wht we was human is human i think in future life might b he will nt able to turst and respect u the way he can so in my opion speak with him directly if he cant cope with u past u must not marry him. May Allah make it easy for u amin
OP:I told him I wasn't a virgin but that at the time I was forced into having sex and didn't know what was happening.....Yet, a few years later when I moved out for university, I kissed a few boys and performed a sexual act on one boy I thought I liked at the time....... A few months later though, he's told me that he'll marry me because he has really started to love me but won't ever share a bed with me, kiss me, or hug me. He doesn't want to touch me.
Did your potential husband tell you his SEXUAL history?
Why he wants to marry you when he does not want to have sex with you? Sounds really strange. Is he going to get some immigration benefit by marrying you? Some thing is fishy here.
If you don't marry this guy and marry some one else don't share your sexual history with him. Almost all men want to have sexual experience before marriage but they always want to marry a girl who never had any sexual experience
Assalam alaikum,
Dear Sister,
Please do not disclose your sins, especially in detail, to any potential spouse, person in your life, or to anyone ever at all. If you must talk about something that you feel guilty about, do it in private with a professional counsellor. When we share something very private with someone about our life, they have to earn that position in our lives - and, sorry to say, this man is no one to you, even if he is a potential spouse. He is still your non-mehram.
Personally, I don't think you should marry a person who went so far as to discuss what your intimate life would be like after marriage - especially in a degrading way. If he doesn't want to marry you, he should end it at that and stop complicating with "I love you, but...." He asked the question, he wanted to hear something else, but didn't and now he wants to punish you--Only Allah swt can punish you for any transgressions--now that he knows, it is best you both move on separately because this sounds like the beginning of more problems in the future.
May Allah ease your problems, Ameen.
I totally agree with sister Saba.
Well said, sister Saba. This man sounds like a manipulator. Later in life if he gets angry during marraige he will hold these memories against her.
@shereen I agree and well said Saba.
I agree with you about him being manipulative, especially because it was disturbing to read how he will treat her after marriage. If he wants to be so upfront, he should be with himself and with her by saying that he can't deal with that knowledge--otherwise, he expects openness, but only onesided.
If a person wants to inform someone that they have a past and leave it at that, that is one thing...but people should not be disclosing in details their past, especially with a non-Mehram. When Allah swt has hidden our sins, we are not supposed to openly discuss them in detail.
The part that may be overlooked here is that the OP sounds as if she was sexually abused/molested the first time and once that has happened, it leads to great complications in one's soul. When a young person is forced into doing something - first of all, they need to speak to a counsellor and NOT discuss this with other people. Every person seeking marriage doesn't necessarily have the capability to deal with information regarding past in which sexual abuse took place. There have been numerous posts about people disclosing their past and then not getting married - so now this information is out there in the hands of someone else and the person is vulnerable to how this information may be spread.
In one case a brother admitted he purposely disclosed the past of a woman to her husband, but thankfully, the husband told that man that what he did was very wrong.
The brother the OP is considering for marriage should simply admit that he can't deal with marrying her rather than say things like "I won't share a bed with you." He has made her feel "dirty...unloved and ashamed." This is no way to start a marriage.
Please read an excerpt from:
http://islamqa.info/en/2021
"But asking for details of a person’s past and wanting to know what sins they might have committed when they were ignorant about Islam – this is not right at all. Allaah covers people’s sins and loves to see them covered (i.e., not dragged out into the open). So long as a person has repented, his sins have been wiped out. Islam deletes whatever came before, so why should we ask questions that will only embarrass people? Allaah accepts people’s repentance without their having to confess or expose their sins to any other person. A number of the Sahaabah had committed adultery and murder repeatedly, or had buried infant girls alive, or stolen things, but when they entered Islam they were the best of people. No one needs to be reminded of a shameful past; it is over and done with, and Allaah is the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful. What matters when considering a person for marriage is how that person is now: is he righteous or not? Has he cut all ties with his past and his wrong deeds, or not? If he is clearly living a good and righteous life now, then it is wrong to dig up the past. If there is any fear of anything that could have future implications, such as certain diseases and so on, then there are medical tests which can give the answer and put your mind at rest."
MasAllah Saba.
Just seeing your posts recently shows how much knowledge you have. May Allah reward you.
Asalam alikuim sister
Firstly I wanna say sister saba u have been giving amazing advices , May Allah bless you..
Secondly sister I would like to add few point that according to my opinion its a good thing u have told ur future husband about ur past , and if he was someone who is understanding person he would have understood u by now and would have ignored ur past , cuz past something that has been done before which no one can change it but u can make ur present and future better with all the guide lines of Islamic he needs to understand u this way and help u to make better person.
I would suggest u talk to him and tell him that this was my past but now i m adifferent person and if u wanna cont this marriage u gotta accept me this way but if u don't want its better we break this relationship now rather than staying like this in a marriage with no love and ruining our lives.
I hope my advice might help u in someway.
Jazak Allah for your kind words.
I don't think you should marry him because he will now use whatever you told him to emotionally blackmail you. Some people do have specific requirements but I don't think you should have told him as Allah has given permission to conceal these sins for a reason. Do not disclose your past to anyone that's between you and Allah and Im sure Allah will forgive you inshAllah.
We have these sort of topics on this website all the time and its double standards.
My advise to you is do not say anymore and if he asks just say my past is between me and Allah. I have repented and leave it at that. If he still wants to marry you tell him not to mention the past again and move forward. If not then inshAllah Allah will take care of you. No one has a right to use someones past against them even if they have sincerely repented. May Allah makes it easy for you.
Samina: My advise to you is do not say anymore and if he asks just say my past is between me and Allah. I have repented and leave it at that
Just by saying that a "girl" is sending a wrong signal. This kind of statement says "she" has a past and she is trying to hide it. there are double standards a man may brag about his past sex life and still get away with it.
Just saying "no" past is the best thing in my opinion.
@SVS I said that because OP has told him.
If someone was to ask someone they too should say I have made mistakes and I have repented leave it at that simple. They should never disclose their past at any circumstances.
If people have specific requirements they should say that before they start to get to know someone that goes for man or woman. In my opinion there's a lot of hypocrisy going on with asains anyway so I am not even surprised even if someone doesnt have a past by saying no your still questioned regardless as a woman.
I personally would not have an issue if my husband before marriage had done wrong I would kindly accept him and never use his past against the future people make mistakes regardless. I rather have someone who realises there mistake then have someone who continues to make mistakes and has no care in the world who gets hurt in the process.
Disclosing your past sins to any potential spouse voluntarily is not desirable even Islamically, but in your case he specifically asked for it and the fact that you told the truth instead of concealing your past sins by outright lying(a major sin) or using clever jugglery of words(which is nothing but indirectly lying), is quite commendable, hats off to you sister 🙂 , I admire your courage and your honesty & May Allah reward you for this.
Do Istikhara ,follow @unknownmes advice :
Tell him that this was my past but now i m a different person(I have truly and sincerely repented to Allah swt for my past sins) so, accept me this way but if u don't want to, its better we break this relationship now and move on.
Assalaamualaikam
Sister, why would you want to marry a guy who is already trying to use your past to make you feel ashamed and undeserving of happiness?
You deserve a husband who loves and respects you for the person you are now. If this guy can't do that, then you're probably better off without him. If his words and actions make you feel dirty and unloved, don't resign yourself to that - you deserve someone who treats you better than that.
You mentioned that in the past you felt you'd been forced into sex - it is wrong for anyone to force another person to have sex, and the fault in these cases lies with the people who do the forcing, not with the victims. This doesn't make you dirty or inadequate. If these events still distress you, it might be worth talking them through with a trained, female counsellor, to inshaAllah come to terms with them.
My advice would be to stand up for your own rights and tell this guy that, as you have repented and changed your life to return to the straight path, you would expect any marriage between you to be based on mutual respect and trust - if he can't put the past aside, then maybe the two of you need to consider not getting married to each other?
Before making any decision, though, pray istikhara. Trust that Allah will guide you to what is best.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
assalamualaikum sister first of all he has no rights over ur past and u dint had to tell him as it had to be between allah and you as only he can forgive u , and secondly he dosent want to touch u lols then does he ever know the meaning of true love whats in his mind actuly , people like them will never understand and no matter what u do he will taunt u for ur past mistakes so dont marry this person and please dont talk about ur past to anyone as this can only make ur life worse , none has right over ur past except allah .
jazakallahukhair
SA,
Dear sister,
I think it's best for you to move on and not marry him to save your self and him from future pain. If he is not able to take it now it will be even worse in future in my opinion.
I assume he didn't have relationships in past and maybe it's bothering him that you had. It's better for you to marry someone who also had some past but don't disclose your sins as many posters pointed out. The only question he can ask you about is weather you had sex or not in past. It is his right to know that according to many scholars but other questions you should not answer and just simply state it's between you and Allah.
May Allah help and Guide you!