Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Sexual abuse by father and haram relationship; how can my friend repent living in the same house?

Sexual abuse is a crime

Sexual abuse is a serious crime

Assalam Alikum brothers and sisters,

I'm 29years old and very much worried for my friend who really needs help. In very early age (I guess 9), she was abused by her own father. She was so much disturbed by that; from the time it happened till now. She is 27 now, still unmarried.

The problem is that she is very afraid of everything and because of being abused in early age she started doing wrong things and giving herself pain. She had been in a haram relationship with a boy for 12 years although they only talk but I think that is also haram. Now, as she is realizing that she did many wrong things to herself because of her disturbances.

Now, she wants to turn to Allah pak and ask for repentance, problem is that she is still living in same place where she was abused by her father I means in her father house. She thinks being in this house she can't be able to turn to Allah as this house disturbs her. On the other hand she can't go anywhere ease to be relax and asks for repentance. She really wants to turn to Allah but can't do that, this situation is making her mad. I really want to help her but can't find a way.

plz plz plz give me some advice to help her.

Islamic.

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15 Responses »

  1. Assalam o alykkum wr wb.Bismillahir rahmanir raheem

    Praise be to Allah. May Allah's peace and blessings shower upon our beloved Messenger.

    Dear Questioner,

    I pray that this message finds you in a state of strengthened iman and renewed spirits.
    When a parent violates this trust through abuse, be it physical, mental, or emotional, or neglects his or her child through abandonment or non-support, these actions constitute enormities, major sins in the sight of Allah Most High. The abusive and negligent parent will have much to answer for on the Day of Judgment, when Allah Most High knows what we have done, down to an atom's weight of good or evil.

    It is obligatory for that parent to repent to Allah Most High and beg His forgiveness for violating the responsibility with which he or she was entrusted.Furthermore, silence is the real catalyst to more cases of incest. So long as, we the society, do nothing to recompense the victims and set the strict rules and punishment decreed in the Quran, it will be not be surprising if other cases are reported

    SO REPORT ABOUT THIS TO HER FAMILY ELDERS THIS IS THE MAIN PROBLEM ,LET HIS FATHER FACE DISGRACE .THAT IS WHY PUNISHMENT(ON BODY ) IS PRESCRIBED FOR EVERY SIN BECUASE SOUL IS INSIDE THE BODY .Heart which is a part of body for which rasul saws said that this is the only part in the body if its right every part of body is right if its wrong then everything is wrong!!

    THE FIRST AND FOREMOST REASON WHY THIS HAPPEN IS DUE TO PARENTS WHO ARE ILLITERATE ABOUT ISLAM(who seek only wordly education ) well i don't want to go in detail but now being concise to your situation i will narrate you an hadeeth

    In a narration told by Ibn Abbas, the Prophet said: “whoever carries out intimate relations with a blood relative, is suitable to be killed” INFOR HER FATHER THIS HADEETH

    AND FOR YOU SISTER SHOWING CONCERN FOR YOUR FRIEND WHICH IS REALLY APPLAUDABLE SURELY ALLAH SWT WILL REWARD YOU AMEEN.

    People who assist victims of rape are one more road closer to God.I will narrate an HADEETH FOR THOSE WHO HELP THESE VICTIMS

    In one of the text of the hadith narrated by Imam Muslim the Prophet said: “wallahu fi ‘aun al-‘abdi ma dama al-‘abdu fi ‘awni akhihi” (‘God will always assist those who give assistance to their family)

    And i suggest you that BRING YOUR FRIEND AT YOUR HOME but before that expose her father !Its time to wake up !!

    May allah swt help your freind and guide her to right path ameen and save her from all sorts of vice ameen

  2. Salam,

    What a very sad world that we all live in. When a child cannot trust their own parent...their own blood from something as evil as incest. I somehow feel it is unlikely that this sister will go to the police no matter how much she may want to. Have you ever asked her why it is that she will not go to the police to seek help? Where is her mother...is she living?

    If anything this sister really needs to move out of this house away from her father. She needs to pack her bags and go...period. No one has ever stopped her father from doing what he is doing and there is nothing stopping him from coming to her room even as I type here on my laptop. He has been allowed free reign to do what he wants and he will continue to take what he wants at his will. This man knows nothing about Islam and Allah's will.

    Incest is sick and this man should be in jail...father or not. A father is loving...kind and gentle, a provider and protector for his family. This man is not a father at all but a user and the lowest form of a human. If you or you know of someone who can assist this young woman to leave the hell she is in, it would be best for her. At this point in her life, I can only imagine that she is physiologically damaged so to speak and definitely needs to see someone who can listen to her...someone she can talk to and get some help.

    You are a good friend for reaching out on this forum to seek help for her. May Allah bless you and bestow kindness on you. I pray that you can get her out from where she is. The time is here and now, enough is enough.

    Salam

  3. Asalamoalaikum,

    I’m deeply saddened to read this post. I’m unsure which country your friend resides in. The reason I’m curious about this is if she is living in a Western country, then I highly suggest that she packs her bags and goes to the nearest women shelter and reports this vile man to the police. It’ll take some strength but living in this environment will do her no good; she’s only going to harm herself more and her “father” will keep using her to his advantage. I’m also curious as to why there is no mention of this sister’s mother. Does she live with her? Does she know about this? If not, then she must immediately tell her so that at least one parent can protect her. If this is not possible, then like I suggested earlier, the best thing for herT to do is go to a woman’s shelter.

    If on the other hand, she is residing in a country like Pakistan, then I understand why she has not left yet, nor reported it to the police. The system there unfortunately is very corrupt and even most police officers do nothing. They can easily be bribed to stay mum about the situation. Also, if she were to leave in that country, I’d be more worried and I don’t advise that at all since the environment over there is even worse. She may end up in wrong hands and it’ll ruin her life further. If my assumption is correct, then is there any way she can go live at a relative’s place? Meanwhile, is there any way someone close to her and a trusted person (a family member, relative, etc) can find her a decent proposal? That way, she can at least move out and be in a safe environment.

    I’d also highly suggest therapy for this sister because after years of sexual trauma, she has probably lost trust in people (especially men) and it’s very important for her problem to be treated since she is inflicting harm to herself.

    Please inform us of where you reside and that way we may be able to better advise your friend!

    May Allah swt give your friend the strength and patience to overcome this test, ameen.

  4. Salamu'alaikum sister,

    This is indeed a shameful act. An evil face of what exists in our society today. Indeed, your friend has faced a horrible situation. May Allah give her As Sakeenah (tranquility).

    I hope the "haram relationship" you mentioned does not involve Zina, and may Allah protect her from it. And getting into such would be natural, because when love can not be found at home, one would go out to find it. Especially women. I received a mail from a friend which had the following:

    "According to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs, the answer is simple. In his book, Eggerichs explains that extensive research has found that a man’s primary need is for respect, while a woman’s primary need is for love."

    Through I do not deny what she has been doing is wrong, it is a part of human nature. And we Humans are prone to errors. And do not forget the hadith that Prophet (Sallallahu 'Alaihi wasallam) said: “Every son of Adam is prone to error, and the best of those who err are those who repent.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (2499); classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.

    She has made a mistake and needs to repent. It is wrong and she needs to correct it. She needs to cut contact with that man first.

    [You said she wants to repent, I do not know if she intends to break-up her relationship with the man]

    Now, the question is "where would she go?" You said she is 27. And a woman unmarried for such a long time would easily fall prey to the traps of Shaitaan. Hence, the first thing then would be to get married. She should be married to a righteous man, who would comfort her, such that she would forget what she has gone through. If not forget, she would insha Allah not feel like she feels now. If the man she is in touch with or has a relationship with, now is a Righteous man, then perhaps she should be married to him and make this legal.

    If the father is still acting as he did when your friend was 9, then she should make this fast and go away from the home as soon as possible to protect herself.

    Like the others said, someone who has influence on her father should advise him and ask him to repent for his evil deeds.

    I ask Allah to make things easy for her. Also advise her to remember Allah at all times and read the Qur'aan and the Ahadeeth, and strengthen her Imaan.

    May Allah forgive her and Guide her father to as Siraat al Mustaqeem
    Aameen
    Wassalamu'alaikum
    Muhammad Waseem

  5. Assalam Walikum

    thanks for your advice sister,she lives in Pakistan and that is also not possible for her to leave her house,she doesn't have any trusted relatives either,she can
    only leave the House when gets marriage,plz pray for a good proposal for marriage.

  6. Assalam Alikum brother waseem
    thanks for your advices,her father tried to do that again but she didn't let him do that,she ended all her relationship with that boy when she read one of your post that talking is also haram,ALHAMDULLAH relationship didn't involve zina.the boy is very nice and I also offered istekara for this relationship and the result was positive,the problem is that the boy's parents are refusing for this girl as their both families have some misunderstandings.the boy is trying to get a job and then convince his parents,he also hopeful he will insha Talah removes these misunderstandings,plz pray for her.

    • Wa alaikum as Salam sister, I thank Allah that I could be of some help. May Allah make things easy for her and make whatever is good for her to happen.

      Aameen

  7. Assalam o Alikum
    I'm very much thankful to Najah,helping sister,Mohummad waseem and Imane for their wonderful advises,may Allah Talah reward you all for this,can any one tell me what more I can do for her,I just want she get the righteous man for marriage and have a full of happiness and relax life,she is very much suffering as her father is emotionally abusing her,she can't live a relax life.
    imagine the life of a girl who in her own house tried to save her from her own father,plz pray for her and tell me what more I can do.

    • Asalaam alaikum,

      The advice you have been give above is very sound and good. Unfortunately, as you say, there is not good avenues of escape, recourse or resources in your country for her to use and find refuge. However, there are some NGOs and UN organizations that she may be able to use that could free her from the dire situation that she trapped in.

      These are resources for Pakistan:

      http://www.onlinewomeninpolitics.org/pakistan/pakorgs.htm
      http://www.apwapunjab.org/services.html
      http://www.weldo.org/VocEduTra.html
      http://un.rozee.pk/

      One of the best things you can do, is be her best friend and spend time with her. Invite her to lunches, dinners and gatherings that allow her reason to leave her father's house for extended periods of time. Make the most of these times to allow her to speak her heart and mind, giving her relief and a shoulder to cry on. Remember that she is a servant of Allah (swt), so look after her as best as you can. Try to help her form a circle of friends in the meantime that can also help her and lessen your load, if you become busy. The more good friends she has right now, the better she will feel and will be able to live.

      If you can find her a job from the above links in the positions, classes, and/or training seminars, this would also help her to free herself form the situation that she is suffering under.

      Lastly, do you know of someone who could employ her current suitor? The faster this young man lands a job, provided he meets all the Islamic requirements of being a husband, the better his proposal will be heard. However, there is no shame in trying to find another match for her if that is what she wishes in the future.

      • thanks for your advice,I also request to all of you plz pray for her she really needs pray.prays are very precious gift a Muslim can give to an other Muslim.

        • Asalaam alaikum,

          Insha'allah, of course we will shall pray for her. 🙂

          During these months of Rajab, Shaaban and Ramadan, it is said that we are at the door of superabundant bounties from Allah (swt). We only need to 'knock', which of course, is done by prayer. Let us all remind ourselves of this fact, and make continual and persistent dua for her.

  8. I'm that's way asking for advises again and again because your advices are based on western countries where law n orders are in best shape,but we are living in a country which has worse law and orders situation,where a girl can't leave her house until gets marriage and it's also not consider good f she says her father did that to her.

  9. aasalam Alikum brothers and sisters,one of my friend has the same problem,the man she loved used her for his needs and left her,plz pray for her to find a righteous man,who can comfort her,a request by a friend.

  10. Its so hard for her we can pray to Allah for her May Allah Protect her!

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