Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Sexual harassment by a Pakistani doctor, what should I do?

Sexual harassment.

Sexual harassment is unacceptable and unlawful.

I'm a 25 year old female college student finishing up a nursing degree in the UK.

Two years ago I started to work in a hospital as a tech. It is there I met the torture that has followed me since. A doctor of Pakistani origin who is 32 years old has made my work life a living hell. He follows me around acting like he is looking at cases but he really is trying to talk to me. At first I thought he was just really trying to make small talk to be nice. Then one day he was typing information on a patient and I sat to the chair parallel to him. It was then that I noticed his wedding band. I had never seen it before then it was then I realize this man was trying to initiate a fling with me.

I'm Latina and come from a very traditional upbringing. I was so stressed that I took a week vacation and went back to my country Venezuela.When I came back he started to chase me again but this time he brought his associate a Pakistani female doctor to try to talk to me.

No one in management care because the nurses all want to sleep with the doctors for the money. One nurse told me my husband gave me permission to sleep with any doctor that wants me. I was horrified to hear this but was not surprise because Caucasians have different values then Latinas.

I didn't report him to HR for sexual harassment because in that time period he approached me I started to fall in love with him. A few months later I found out he had slept with the Physical therapist who is Caucasian when I was on my trip in Venezuela. I thought after a year of ignoring him he would understand that I don't want to sleep with him. I even changed my work schedule so I didn't see him. I work nights now instead of mornings.

I want him to leave me alone. I have never verbalized that to him because he is one to the top doctors in that hospital. It has been two years now and he still is trying to approach me. he doesn't try to talk to me - all he does is sits next to me when I'm doing office work. He shouldn't be visiting the unit in the afternoon because he is done for the day but he does just to see me. What is worst on the weekend that he and I work he has his associate another Pakistani male doctor cover his weekends. This male Pakistani doctor whom he is good friends with is 45 years old.

In Latin America this would be considered sexual harassment and in the UK this is also considered sexual harassment. I don't want to have to file a suit against him. How do I get him to stop? why is he involving his Pakistani associates to do this for him when the guy married a year ago? Why wont he leave me alone? Must I bring a man to the hospital and introduce him as my boyfriend so he sees that I'm not single?

As a last resort I have planned to find another job. I'm finishing nursing and I'm very limited with my time. I don't want to cause any harm to him because I do care about him and I can't help having feelings for him. He however is destroying my future career and acting as if we had sex by forcing his presence. I have never been intimate with this man.

Please help me, I'm not sure what to do.

- arianna

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20 Responses »

  1. hi, all I can say is report him. if you don't then in the future another woman also may fall a victim and all could have stopped if you took a stand. don't tolerate it, never know desperate guys will do desperate things.


  2. Just report in details and teach him a lesson.

  3. Report him what a sorry doctor he is. Report h
    ASAP .

  4. Hello Ariana1310,
    Sorry to hear what you are going through however I agree with commenter above that he should be reported ASAP not only to protect yourself but others too. Who knows how many female patients or children he has molested? As a nurse, you know better that people trust all those involved in medical profession and expect them to be moral/ethical/professional whereas this doctor is not someone who has any respect for his profession. Also, it may be better for you to find other nurses/staff members who may be victim of sexual abuse/harassment to gather as much evidence against him and his fellow doctor as possible to strengthen your case. It may be hard to find out at first as people don't generally open up to anyone but you can do that by befriending some female nurses and after gaining their trust in you.

    P.S; I will request you to not make sweeping generalization about a group/ethnicity. Immorality is everywhere it is not bound by culture, race, caste, ethnicity; perhaps more prevalent in some societies than others. There are many decent people all over the world; if it wasn't for them then God knows what this world would be like.


    • Mohammad1982, there's no evidence that the doctor is a child molester. Let's not get carried away. He's simply a man with an overactive libido and inappropriate manner. I'll write my own comment below.

      Wael Editor

      • I agree with you brother Wael but there is greater chance of young girls at risk when such things happen. I have read couple of accounts of such doctors where young girls thought that their doctors were examining them when instead they were touching them inappropriately and once word got out they realized that they weren't the only ones.


  5. I dont understand what you mean, you say all he has done is sit next to you when you i your paperwork, then how do you know he is trying to have a fling with you?

    I had a similar situation where the owner of the business I worked for asked me outright for sex in exchange for a better job etc, I didn't report but now feel I should have. If he is as obvious and as vulgar as the situation I describe then you should report him.

    • @Helpful,
      It does not necessarily mean that someone will walk up to you and ask for sex. There could be other behavioral signs like gestures, suggestive remarks, gossiping etc.


  6. Sorry sent message twice!

  7. Arianna, everything you wrote was consistent and understandable except for one sentence:

    "I didn't report him to HR for sexual harassment because in that time period he approached me I started to fall in love with him."

    What? Where did that come from? The doctor's so-called harassment can't have been very terrible if you fell in love with him; and I wonder if you did not send him mixed signals as a result of your feelings for him.

    In any case, your course of action is simple:

    1. Tell him to leave you alone. It's astounding that in all this time you have not simply said to him, "I've noticed your attentions but I'm not interested, and I want you to leave me alone." Tell him you're quite serious and that if he doesn't stop you will report him.

    2. If step 1 doesn't work, then report him to the hospital authorities. Will there be repercussions against you or against his job? I don't know. Maybe. But sometimes you have to do the right thing, to protect yourself and others.

    Wael Editor

  8. Assalamu alaikum sister,

    First of all this statement below is a generalization and come on..values are INDIVIDUALISTIC..

    . I was horrified to hear this but was not surprise because Caucasians have different values then Latinas.

    Also, what does him being pakistani have to do with being a harasser? sister i hope sincerely that you look into your own ideology and realize you cant JUDGE people or DEFINE people by the color of their skin or nationality. THAT IS WRONG.

    Also, i am a nurse as well have been one for over 8 years, i have worked in uk where i was born and in the middle will find harassers, mean nurses, mean people as patients but as a fellow employee you ONLY NEED TO REPORT IT to human resources..normally there is a third party compliance office you report anonymously to. Document any occurences with dates and times...and you can always find another job if they dont pursue the report.

    Why wont he leave me alone? Must I bring a man to the hospital and introduce him as my boyfriend so he sees that I'm not single?

    Sister you are an one need to play mind games and stoop to his level to try to end his advances..and by the said you were previously falling in love with him..and if you were and it was illustrated in your previous actions no report will be taken as serious because it will be seen as a love interest gone wrong at work which happens ALL THE TIME..thus i never considered a marriage prospect as a coworket at a hospital i work for...

    i advise checking your hospital protocol about reporting harassment at work..there are laws to protect against whistleblowing at work..thus third parties that are contracted with the hospitals deal with the complaints of harassment..keep in mind it will be asked if you had a history with him and if you did then you wont be taken very serious...why not just find another job with the NHS?? THERE ARE LOADS.

  9. I agree with brother Wael above - if you are disgusted by his actions, how can you start to fall in love with the man????!!!!! I certainly didn't expect that, seems so contradictory.
    If you are falling in love with him, then perhaps you are sending him signals that you are interested?

    Also, he has a lot more to lose then you do, if you do decide to report him - you will just possibly, worst case scenario, lose your job/quit, but he will lose his actual license to practice,if proven guilty.
    He has a lot more at stake then you do.
    I had a friend, who was being harassed at work, a hijaabi sister, married with kids - after a point, she simply told her co-worker, she will report him for sexual harassment, and he's never looked her way since.

    I'm not accusing you in this case, but I've had female friends, who believe the whole world is trying to flirt with them, when in reality, that's not the case, it's simply their perception, due to low self esteem etc
    I've seen the situation firsthand.
    There is indeed a big difference between perception and reality.
    Sorry, I'm not being critical, just giving my point of view. My advice is communicate with him first, tell him you'll report him if he continues, and take it from there.

  10. Salaam Arianna,

    I am sorry that you are feeling so uncomfortable at work. What you are describing is an oppressive and suggestive presence - but you have also said you have not verbalized your feelings towards him, so it may be that your lack of protest is interpreted by him as a positive signal.

    What many people do not understand is that as a female, working in a male dominated environment - reporting bad behavior is a fearful process who would rather keep the peace.

    I have experienced the same thing as you Arianna, I have worked in environments where the males and females were incredibly relaxed and intimate with each other and the result was that males assumed their advances were welcome. In one place I was followed around by a male in one workplace who felt it was OK to lean over me, take a deep breath and make comments about the soap I use (a normal soap btw - nothing worthy of attracting this unwanted attention). For males, this is a form of sport and entertainment - for females, this is daily nightmare.

    The solution to a lot of these kinds of problems lies in mastering the art of asserting yourself and telling men clearly, and without fear to: "back off and leave me a alone - I am not interested." You must connect with this inner power and have no fear about defending yourself and giving a clear "if you come near me, you will get in trouble" message with full confidence. Humans respond to confidence in the same way as animals, and asserting yourself in a workplace is nothing more than delivering a message with full confidence. If a man can train an elephant and a tiger, a woman can surely assert herself in front of a man. The problem is you are seeing him as a "doctor" and yourself as "a nurse" and so there is an imbalance of power there. In actual fact, he is "a person" and you are also "a person" and there is no inequality in personal rights and boundaries. You have just as much right to your personal space as he does.

    Asserting yourself is not the same as being aggressive - you can assert yourself without aggression. You need 1.) eye contact, 2.) confidence, 3.) straight up posture. Sentences that can help you:

    When he is too close - "You're too close to me - move back"
    If he says how far? then point to an area far away from you and say "that far."
    When he is buzzing around pretending to be looking at something - "There is nothing of interest for you here - feel free to get on with your work"
    When he is talking to you about something that has nothing to do with work "I need to get on with my work - excuse me"
    When he is flirtatious - keep a straight face and say: "I'm not interested."

    Assert yourself, and soon he will get the message loud and clear.

    IF he touches you, crossed a personal boundary or tries to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do - push him away from you with all your strength with a flat hand in the centre of the chest area, shout "NO" very loudly - with the intention of being heard by others, and run to a place where there are other people - after which you can go to HR and report.

    For now, assert yourself. These men are everywhere.


    Editor, Islamic Answers


    • Leyla, this is a fantastic response, thank you. Plenty of specific and concrete advice on how to speak and react to inappropriate advances.

      Wael Editor

  11. The simple way to get out of this situation is to talk to him and talk about the fear you have in your mind, there is no way out until you talk and talk straight do not involve many others into it. In every situation until you don't talk you don't find a solution. Bringing a man and showing him is not the solution rather that would might tempt him more that you can keep a BF and he can still be in the queue.
    My honest and humble suggestion is to talk. It seems that you showed reciprocation as you said you started loving him. Better is to talk and finish it off once and for.

  12. Is it really just me who seriously can't understand where the sexual harrasment in this case lies? The man doesn't speak to her, touches her, nor suggests anything inappropriate...where is the harrasment? In my opinion, women are sometimes too paranoid and accuse men of things they don't actually do, or even have an intention of doing. I think if someone is going to accuse a person of sexual harrasment, the accusation should at least be based on something more severe than a co-worker sitting in the same room as you on multiple occassions without saying a word to you. If women can report that as harrasment, then...can we also file complaints of sexual harrasment if a male co-worker says goodmorning every day? Or smiles at you?

  13. u said u fall in love so u didn't report. i don't understand that u want to get rid of him and with that u r falling in love with him????? report him or ask him clearly what does he want....

  14. Im looking for answers...

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