Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Sexual harrasment by father in law

Hello sister

I am a revert of 9 years, I have been with my husband for 13 years and I have twins age 5. For the past 13 years my husband's sisters have been spiteful and nasty to me, I have tried with them so much and I've helped them through bad times and even looked after them when ill. I have ignored their spitefulness  towards me and never reacted to them, I have had so many arguments with my husband about them and all he says he is put in the middle or ignores the situation.

My husband's father moved into our home in October because it's my husband's duty. He has made sexual talk towards me which has made me uncomfortable in my home because my husband brushed it under the carpet. I have now moved out my home with our children to live with my parents and my husband has not tried to speak to me.

This is not showing good Islam and I pray to Allah to show him right direction.  Please help me.

~Nicola

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11 Responses »

  1. Assalalamalaikum.
    Your point of complaint is fine and rightful and u r a revert it makes our duty to see that you are comfortable and happy this must be done for the sake of Allah from we all.
    1st of all you read tahajud daily without fail
    In reply pl mention yr country & contact bilkis madam and give me the name and mail id of yr husband if it is ok to send some literature to him to open his eyes to the rights of a husband and oppression he is doing with and children.
    ONENESS, UNIQUENESS OF ALLAH (TAWHEED) - - - -
    Narrated Ibn Abbas
    Whenever the Prophet[salalahaualaihiwaslalam] offered the night (Tahajjud) prayer, he used to say, "O Allah! All the Praises are for You; You are the Light of the Heavens and the Earth. And all the Praises are for You; You are the Keeper of the Heavens and the Earth. All the Praises are for You; You are the Lord of the Heavens and the Earth and whatever is therein. Youare the Truth, and Your Promise is the Truth, and Your Speech is the Truth, and meeting You is the Truth, and Paradise is the Truth and Hell (Fire) is the Truth and all the prophets are the Truth and the Hour is the Truth. O Allah! I surrender to You, and believe in You, and depend upon You, and repent to You.

    THEN YOU SAY WHAT EVER IS IN YR HEART WEEP FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH.
    INSHALLAH YR HUSBAND WILL CALL YOU ..
    Regards

    • Salaams brother Ali yousuff,

      It is inappropriate for you to ask for her husband's personal contact info. I'm sure you have good intentions, but this is a public forum and we urge users to provide any advice or help they would like to offer here and not privately. Not only that, but if you were to contact someone who does not know you and didn't ask for your assistance, it would be considered an invasion of his privacy- which we do not encourage.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Salam Nicola,

    I applaud you for removing yourself from a bad situation. It is a shame that your husband does not possess the qualities of a man and stand up for what is right by you. He should most definitely not allow his father to speak in a disrespectful way towards you or around you. By your husband not doing anything about it, it shows his lack of respect towards you and really shows his lack of character.

    If I were in your shoes, I would stop trying so hard to bond with your husbands family. It is obvious that your attempts are not appreciated and your efforts would be best spent elsewhere. Instead of wasting time trying to make things good where others don't care and are selfish, spend that time with your twins. They will most definitely appreciate you no matter what.

    As for your husband not calling you, that is sad. He is the loser in this situation, not you. He is losing precious time with you and his children. I pray he will grow up long enough to see the situation for what it is and that he could very well lose the mother of his children because he will not stand up and do what is right.

    Salam

  3. dear sister I am not muslim but I will suggest you and want to tell you few things I know its really very painful If you are behaving good and positive attitude toward your sister_inlaws and they are still reacting rude thats I know really very painful,and on the other your husband didnt listen you and your complains,
    see about your kids???
    one thing you should see and make contact with your husband if possible and pls dn force him it will make you let down but must tell your mother or family at your home you faced this kind of problem their toward your father in law so they should know the fact tell them without wasting any minute
    second thing is if your father in law is not their then go back and stay with your husband or if your family can talk to your father in laws and warn them we will tell your son and and all over the world and be bold if he is hurting you in alone you can also slap him in alone.....
    and try to get your husbands confidence and tell him fact after all hes your husband and hes living with you because he wants you and your kids
    think positive
    and pray
    I will pray for you

  4. Salaam Nicola,

    I am sorry that you are going through this with your husband. There are some details missing from your post (the state of your relationship, the way you usually argue and so on - so I have interpreted a great deal from your post and if my interpretation is inaccurate - I apologise in advance).

    To me this sounds like your husband has picked up the bad habit of digging his head in the sand and refusing any kind of responsibility for any of the situations that you are facing regarding your relationship with his family. I imagine that he has never really learned how to have an impact or to take charge so as to influence an outcome and he would rather ignore everything and wait for it to pass, rather than put himself on the line and risk looking bad or making a bad decision. This suggests to me that he is very passive in regards to his family, and passive aggressive in his relationship with you and naturally this will frustrate you because you need your husband to make a stand for you and to make a stand for what he believes in, to speak up to defend you and to be on your side and protect you - you need to (at the very least) feel understood in some way, and he is just giving you more problems by complaining about your need for emotional connectivity and assistance in the issues that you face.

    You have not mentioned if he has spoken to you at all openly and honestly about how he feels these things or if he has ever taken any kind of action - but it sounds like your husband is currently frozen in indecision - he does not know what to do and so he is choosing to do nothing, which is a very passive aggressive response to what is going on. He shows his displeasure through in action. His lack of action will begin to frustrate you and in the end, you will explode: thus releasing and showing the anger that he wants to release - but doesn't know how to. His lack of action will also feel like pressure on you to do something whilst he is not doing anything, and so once again - the responsibility comes back to you in some way shape or form. After you have given in, you feel resentment and anger and the whole thing starts again. In the meantime, he escapes from responsibility for free - he has not added anything to the mix, therefore he does not have to take any responsibility for anything that happens.

    If I have interpreted this correctly and the above picture IS the way that your relationship with your husband is,
    my advice to you is to stay where you are and try not to think about him and try to reduce your frustration and do not play this waiting game with him. I imagine that two of you have played this wa

    • Hi thank you sister, you have hit the nail on the head and could not be more accurate. My husbands attitude towards this is not reassuring for me and our children. His friend has contacted me and told me his attitude is all wrong and my husband has said to him that he is seeing how it plans out. So you are right in saying he will ignore it. His friend also told me that he had asked if he loved me and he said yes. So why do you think he is ignoring me? We have children so surely he should stop thinking about himself and do what's right for them but all he is doing is putting his relatives first he can't see what his father has done either. I moved to my parents for this reason and the interference of his family, my home is not my own with them coming in and out as they please. I have explained to my husband how I feel and he has said in anger if you don't like it f off. Please advise me further. Nicola

  5. If I have interpreted this correctly and the above picture IS the way that your relationship with your husband is,
    my advice to you is to stay where you are and try not to think about him and try to reduce your frustration and do not play this waiting game with him. I imagine that two of you have played this waiting game before: you raise an issue, he ignores it, you blow up, he ignores it - slowly over time your frustration builds up and his responses dull down until you give up or go to extremes to be heard: only for it to end with no satisfaction for you and you become obsessed with finding an explanation for his attitude / behaviour. If this is a familiar scenario / cycle for you then this time you must do something different this time around because a cycle will keep repeating itself until something changes.

    For that reason, I advise you stay where you are and try not to analyse or look for reasons for his inaction. Simply accept it. His actions are an indication of a significant weakness in him, a lack of assertiveness and an avoidance of responsibility. Your continued absence will push him to face his own demons and take some form of action - but in order to get there you need to be strong and resolved that you are not going to tolerate sexually inappropriate behaviour in your home and you need your husband to make a stand for you.

    He is likely to take a while to get to the stage where he is able to say what he wants / needs - especially if his life habit is to avoid doing so. In the meantime, try to enjoy your time away from what sounds like a very toxic environment in which your needs and safety are completely ignored.

    If you get angry, make contact, start shouting and screaming or showing any signs of anger - you will have positively reinforced his actions and he will have frustrated you into giving in again, without him having to do something. Therefore, I would advise that you hold out until he makes a move to reconcile / make contact - which he will do as soon as he realises that this time you really mean it.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

  6. Thank you everyone for your comments. Sorry I am a new user and just working my way around

  7. wallah thats siknening when father in law wich is form of father sttop that low. i felt really bad reading about you sis and i really dont know what to say but i would wana mention some incidents similar to this what happend to somebody i know really well. she was getting sexual harrased by her father in law and brother in law when her mother in law went pakistan. both of them were after her like shadow, it wasnt just sexual talk... they were watching them siknening films infront of her, they were opening bathrooms locks while she was having bath, they were breaking her bed room locks when her husband was on night shift, they even approached her in certain ways...and when poor girl talked to her husband, he didnt want to know and said that i know how they are like because they got track record of palying with womens but you are daughter in law and you gota bear with them because i cnt question my dad and brother, and that continued for some time, the girl spoke to her parents... they took all the gold money and everything from her and throw her on street and after couple weaks they divorced her.
    This world is getting worcest n worcest day by day, there aint no respect left for any relation. people aint got no fear of God no more
    i can only pray for you sis and do feell for you and reading your mail reminded me about that girl and i couldnt help myself not to talk about this. you take care of yourself and kids.

  8. Sorry everyone, I have been really slow at replying to your messages has I am still going through hard times, I would just like to highlight I have taken all your comments on board and inshallah they work because this feels like the hardest time of mine and my children's life's. I just hope my husband realises one day that I am a good women because one thing I know is that Allah must because he gave me two beautiful children that I am very proud of allahumdulilallah. thanks to all

  9. Leyla could you please contact me back thank you

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