Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is not happy with our lovemaking



I got married last year and my husband went abroad after a week. It is a love marriage, and my husband loves me and cares for me, but I am not getting what the issue is. During his seven days stay he was so loving, but a bit quiet.

When he returned back, he said that I never cooperated with him when we made love. He was also doing oral sex, and also asked me to do it but I didn't like that. He didn't force me, but I know he was not happy at my reaction. Is oral sex even allowed?

I don't want hurt him. He demands wild sex, but I don't know what is all that, and he  does not discuss with me what he actually wants. He watches porn movies and wants me to love like that,  but I am not easy at that. He didn't tell me clearly, but I know his feelings.

Now he doesn't talk much to me and we are not as friendly as we were. I want to make him happy being a wife, but in an Islamic way.  Is there anyone who can guide me on this issue?


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9 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    I don't know how a man can think he is a man and not satisfy his wife. Where is his izza? If he is watching porn, he has bigger fish to fry.

    What the ulema have informed us is haram is

    1) Intercourse during the period or post-menstrual bleeding
    2) Penetration of the anus

    Apart from that you can enjoy.

    But perhaps you should show him this article:

    Sex MashaAllah

    Imām Ibn Qudama [ra] the Hanbali Jurist narrates a hadith that the Messenger of Allāh said, “Do not begin intercourse until she has experienced desire, like the desire you experience, lest you fulfill your desires before she does.” (AlMughni 8:136)

    Narrated by Sayyidna Anas raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allāh said “Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let there first be a messenger between you.” “And what is that messenger?” they asked, and he replied: “Kisses and words.” (Musnad Al Firdaus- imām Daylami)

    My husband does not like foreplay, kissing on the mouth, or much of anything of that sort, but I would like him to have a desire for these things with me. I have told him several times in a humble way, but I am very shy to tell him again and I feel embarrassed to ask him.
    He is religious, though, and may listen to religious advice. Are there any sunnahs that he can read, about playfulness with one’s wife,in regards to the intimacy that leads to intercourse? I am hoping that by understanding and following our Prophet’s (SAWS) example, my husband will not feel shy anymore, inshallah.
    In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,
    Foreplay between the spouses before actually engaging into sexual intercourse is immensely important (especially for the wife) and a vital ingredient for a happy and prosperous marriage, that which should never be neglected.
    The husband should sexually arouse his wife before having sex. It is indeed selfish on the husband’s part that he fulfils his sexual needs and desires, whilst his wife remains unsatisfied and discontented. Failure in satisfying the wife can have terrible consequences on one’s marriage.

    It should be remembered that, just as Islam has given the husband his right of sexual intimacy, and extreme emphasis has been laid upon the wife to obey her husband in his request for sexual intimacy, at the same time, Islam also recognizes a woman’s need for love, affection and foreplay. It is quite common in men to demand their sexual rights, but they should also see whether they are giving their women their rights in bed.
    In conclusion, it is important that your husband fulfils your right of foreplay and kissing. It is not something that he should be shy or reluctant about. Some individuals regard practices related to foreplay to be “inappropriate” and consider abstinence from such activities to be from piety (taqwa).

    However, this is totally incorrect, for who can possibly be more pious, pure and God-fearing than the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace), yet not only did he encourage foreplay, etc, but practically engaged in it with his wives........

  3. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,

    Maybe your husband can teach you what he wants. But he cannot teach you anything if he is not willing to talk. Communication is the single most important thing in a successful and fulfilling relationship. Also, beware that he will misguide you by using pornography as the standard for sexual intimacy. Pornography is haram, and pornography will rob your relationship of its true potential. Intimacy is not an artistic expression or athletic display. It is emotional closeness from which every fantasy can be realized.

    Try to steer your husband away from pornography. Because of the sensitivity of your situation, I don't advise you to lecture him about it. You know your husband, and the best way to get what you want.

    I understand very well that you love your husband and your greatest wish is to please him. But he will show himself to be the best kind of husband if he concerns himself with your desires as much as you concern yourself with his. So please do not forget, that while you are trying to learn what your husband’s wants, you should also be sharing with him what you want. You will be doing him a favor, as he will feel more fulfilled as a husband, when he knows how to make his wife happy.

    May Allah make things easy for you Sister


  4. What’s happening in your marriage is exactly what every sheikh I’ve listened to predicted will happen when people watch pornography. Your husband’s perception of marital relations has now been skewed and tainted by haram behaviors. He needs to get close to Allah in order for your marriage to work. You need to be strong, and realize that there’s nothing wrong with you. Try to do Islamic activities together as much as you can. Attend lectures together; pray together, read Quran and the Sunnah together.
    The only way that you’re marriage will work is if he strengthened his relationship with Allah, and you need to be a strong woman and show him the way.

    I hope the best for you inshallah.

  5. salam, you sound like your from a different country other than the west where we are bombarded with sexuality.....long story short many of our muslimah are ahead of the curve..i wont get all Islamic about this answer....if you love him..then you better do what needs to be done..if your not wild you better get wild and learn how to please a man..or another sister will......tell him you don't like the porn watching.that is haram..but learn to enjoy your mans body...take control...he doesn't have to do everything...and if your just getting married give it time you will learn how to please each other. you have an issue right now you are competeing with women of to some one ,get abook...or Ranger up sit this man down and make him tell you want he wants and feels...or you are on your way to disaster...~Br.K...keppin it 100.

    salam good luck sis.

  6. assalamu alaikum sister,

    sexuality is a big part of our does commonly cause for divorce. i do know that for many women even for myself it took me awhile to become comfortable sexually around my husband becos i was a virgin at the age of 29 LOL..and he of course wasnt. So i was always checking what i did with him. subhanallah now after 5 kids and one on the way those issues are out of the window. You have to enjoy sex because if you dont your husband will since this and it will cause strain. i have not heard of anything except menses sex and anal as being haram as this is clear. Otherwise just relax and enjoy your husband.

  7. Let me he pakistani? I know men like this are from every nationality, but the problem is these men are not allowed to build up the natural friendship and relationship with a woman. The newer generation (born around 1990) has been watching porn most of their life.They have really messed up expectations of women. It actually changes their brain; whereas people before used ato be extremely satisfied from nice "vanilla" sex, with some variation, here and there..many men today actually need something that is almost impossible to achieve the same effect. I would tell him that " I really want to make u happy but Can u see my perspective...I never had sex in my life..I am not just a hole to 'Thope' your fantasies on..I feel really used. And ask him..honestly..can u go a day without looking at porn? I feel like u look at it everyday."
    Anyway, I don't really have a solution...if u say something too strong, he'll get pissed and watch more porn
    Honestly, these guys are so used to this easy method, it's very hard to fight off.
    Think of the worst and best scenario and proceed from there.

  8. There is a detailed discussion around similar topic under following thread (see link below). You'll notice I had been arguing with many sisters in Islam why Muslim women need to open up a little to their husbands to save their marriages ... Hope you'll find following discussion useful ...

  9. Salem sister, You know your husband is watching porn and you are expecting him to treat you like a human being? Your husband have a diseased mind and is corrupt. You need to have a serious talk with him so he stops watching porn which is very hard. If he doesn't change you will live a miserable life like many others like you. In this situation you are in your right to demand a divorce.

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