Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have sexual problems and a rare illness

Dua Against Illness

Prophetic Dua Against Illness

I have sexual problems and a rare illness. I am 29 years old, and have been married for 4 years now. I can't use tampons, would fear my own finger, and it's impossible to have an intercourse with my husband. I am lucky that he is very understanding, and kept trying even if I started to lose confidence in myself.  I am feeling ashamed, I am questioning myself- what is wrong with me, or have I done something bad and that's why I am getting punished,  or some similar bad stuff.

But there's one miracle I've had- I had a lovely daughter mashalah and she's now 3. I could not believe it when the doctor told me that I was pregnant, and once again so many questions went through my mind. I was very happy, but the same time sad because after getting the good news I thought it would be easier now, but nothing changed during the pregnancy.  It went to the point that when I delivered my kid I had to undergo the old epidural, where instead of having the lower part of my body asleep, they had to put a bigger area of my body to sleep to be sure they could examine me whenever they needed to.

I did manage a smear test with a nurse after my daughter was born, I thought it would be easier since I was not a virgin anymore. My body was still tense, but we did it.

Unfortunately, concerning intercourse with my husband, it did not get any better. I am now considering a divorce as none of us are happy. I will always be grateful for my husband's patience,  but for the past 3 years he spent most of his time back home in north Africa, and I am alone with my daughter in the UK. I am scared to say this but it's what I am thinking "maybe we were not meant to be together". Maybe it's because we are together that this matter is happening to us and as long as we stay together we will be miserable.

How bad my thoughts are going is just too much, which is why I just can't cope with it anymore. I am scared of going crazy it's hurting me so much.

I am lost. As if I did not had enough problems after my daughter was born, the doctor told me that I had a rare disease called sarcoidosis. I didn't know what it was,  and never really bothered about it as my dad use to say in Arabic they are no diseases- something like that but I don't remember exactly. My problem just got worse.

I also know that there are worse things, like people don't have water, or war in Palestine where kids dies all the time. But I hope God will forgive me as I can't help myself anymore. I guess I despair, or this is what I think as my heart gave up on me in October 2012 due to this disease. I have now an ICD implanted in case of another cardiac arrest, and I also take some bad medicine like prednisone- some sort of steroid that is causing me more anger and low self esteem as I am putting on weight. With them it's a lot of side effects.

I am so confused and depressed. That's my reason for wanting a divorce, as I am thinking it might be better for me to live the rest of my life alone with my child, without feeling what I feel. Or should I stay in a marriage with no love anymore, no purpose, and just wait for the rest of my life for things to change, no matter how long it takes? And if I die still in this situation, is it because it was my destiny to live this life as a test and that God willing maybe something better is waiting for me inshallah?

I guess I am asking for hope, an answer, or advice. I am sorry if it's too much, but I hope what I wrote makes sense and that somebody can reassure me. I also feel very bad because my family is wondering why it happened to me. I feel that they are insinuating something but did not want to ask, I mostly avoid them since I got sick.

Now one of my sisters with whom I argue a lot told me that I was evil and sick and that's why I am ill- that God is punishing me and that I should kill myself. I am still hurting until today because I have no one to talk to, and sometimes I wonder it she was right as it's my heart that was involved, and that maybe my heart is not good enough.

PS. No one knows about my intercourse situation except for what I told a friend; with her things became awkward I  guess as I feel she's avoiding me, so I don't call her anymore.


Tagged as: , , , , , , ,

15 Responses »

  1. Asalamu alikum,

    Sister, first of all if someone says you are evil and you should kill ignore that can kind of rubbish and stay away from them.

    Allah tests us in this life to see who is best in deeds. You are going thought some rough times, but in that trial you pray, make dua, do good deeds, and inshallah it will pass. Allah rewards those that are patient in this life who stay on the straight Path, no matter what their hands were dealt. So never ever ever give up on Allahs mercy.

    As for the sexual issues, sister if you have any inclination to save this marriage and you want it to work....then go to a female sex therapist. It's their job to help people. You need help with this area, because you will either live alone for the rest if your life or have issues in your next marriage. Sex is vital to a relation with a man, and you have to work out whatever is it if he is a good man and you want to live as a family. Don't be shy, just go ask for help, that's what professionals are here for. Don't divorce the man without trying sister, don't give up yet.

    Hope inshallah things get better sister.

  2. Salam sister,

    Sarcoidosis is a real disease, but 90% of the time it affects the lungs. I highly recommend to you to do some research and know how this disease can affect your life, it will give you more closure on your situation. As for you sexual intercourse problems, go see your family doctor. There are some very treatable medical conditions that can affect intercourse.

  3. As-salamu alaykum,

    I just want to say that anyone who would tell you that you are evil and should kill yourself, is evil herself. Such a person should be avoided like poison. I would literally never speak to her again.

    What you experiencing is not a punishment from Allah. It is simply a test, like everything in life. Some are tested with health and wealth (and those are not easy tests - they carry huge responsibility) - and some with sickness and poverty. It is a test of your sabr, and a challenge to overcome. Have faith in Allah, and keep on looking for solutions, and trust the people who truly love you and care for you. Don't give up.

    And stay away from poisonous people with barbed tongues.

    Wael Editor

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Yes, poisonous people can be worse than a plague. People feel better even while sick after a few weeks....but poisonous people can make you feel miserable constantly!

      Now one of my sisters with whom I argue a lot told me that I was evil and sick and that's why I am ill- that God is punishing me and that I should kill myself. I am still hurting until today because I have no one to talk to, and sometimes I wonder it she was right as it's my heart that was involved, and that maybe my heart is not good enough.

      So, you kill yourself because of Allah's punishment and then get an even worse punishment? Do not listen to your sister!!!

      Was an-Nabi (S) being "punished" by Allah when he was put through extreme fever as he was dying? Or was this a test from Allah aza wa jal?

      Sister, when Allah intends good for his slave, he puts him/her through trials. Don't you think Allah wants to steer you away from love of this Dunya?

      Abu Musa Al-Ashari reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever loves his worldly life will suffer in his Hereafter, and whoever loves his Hereafter will suffer in his worldly life; so prefer that which endures over that which is fleeting.”

      Source: Musnad Ahmad 19198

      Grade: Hasan (fair) according to Ibn Hajar

      عَن أَبِي مُوسَى الْأَشْعَرِيِّ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ مَنْ أَحَبَّ دُنْيَاهُ أَضَرَّ بِآخِرَتِهِ وَمَنْ أَحَبَّ آخِرَتَهُ أَضَرَّ بِدُنْيَاهُ فَآثِرُوا مَا يَبْقَى عَلَى مَا يَفْنَى

      19198 مسند أحمد أَوَّلُ مُسْنَدِ الْكُوفِيِّينَ من أحب دنياه أضر بآخرته ومن أحب آخرته أضر بدنياه

      المحدث ابن حجر العسقلاني خلاصة حكم المحدث حسن

  4. Salam sister. Bless u. Ur in a very difficult situation. I pray it changes for the best. Inshallah

  5. Assalamualaikum Sister

    Your situation is not as dire as you seem to make out in your post. I am surprised others haven't made the following suggestions.

    I am sure you must have realized by now that you are not evil and the person who suggested that was just an idiot (I am just being polite when I say that).

    Your issue maybe psychological or maybe physical and the doctor can help you out. He may refer you to a female sex therapist as well. In the meantime there are things that you can do the following just to get back the intimacy with your husband. I have tried not to be too explicit here.

    1. Give him a massage and let him give you a massage (this will help you relax when he is touching without having that psychological pressure of doing the act.)

    2. There is a reason Allah allowed the wife to pleasure the man with her hands (and vice versa, but probably you will not be ready for that). Learn to give him lots of pleasure with your hands.

    3. Read more about the dos and don'ts of oral acts. He will appreciate that you are willing to please him. One of the reasons there is a fallout between a husband and wife s that the wife's attitude is that "If my husband wants me then he can have me". While many times husbands want their wives to initiate physical intimacy. He may very well be satisfied by your desire to please him through other Halal means.

    4. He may already have married in Africa but if he hasn't then let him marry another and don't divorce him. There is a reason why Allah gave the muslim men to marry more than one. He has a daughter with you and the daughter needs her dad. If nothing else works then he can have another wife in Africa.


    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Yeah, there are so many other ways of sexual pleasure....oral, using the hand and other body parts.

  6. Sister

    If you do not have a good gynecologist, find one. She can help you and if she cannot, she will guide you to a doctor who can. There are ways to overcome the difficulties you find yourself in. Never give up hope.


    • Actually dats the problems with us(muslims) we thought every difficult period in our life as if it is some sort of curse or punishment from GOD...what i will recommend u is to visit a psychiatrist
      These issues are very common and honestly m shocked that how come u r not visiting a
      Tell your husband that you are trying to sort out this issue so if he is thinking of separation he should wait!

      And finally NEVER GIVE UP! stay blessed

      • Assalaamualaikam

        It might indeed help this sister to speak with someone about the psychological distress she is feeling, but it would also be important to ensure that all physical aspects of her medical issues are also being addressed at the same time. Sister, if you have not yet considered it, why not speak with your husband about attending counselling together or individually? Most areas have access to Islamic counselling services, so you could speak with someone and trust that their advice would be from an Islamic perspective.

        Sarcoidosis is an uncommon condition, but is manageable, so don't despair; many people with it live full and active lives. The key thing to do is to find a specialist with whom you can have a good working relationship, and make sure that you prioritise the things which are important to you. If you have been having side effects from medication, ask if there are other medications you could try - most of the time, more than one treatment option will be available, and if your doctor doesn't have much experience in something, then he or she will most likely know someone who does.

        This life is a test, and we all have our struggles to overcome or endure, although they take different shapes for each of us. We need to remember, though, that all that we experience is from Allah - He is the Creator and Maintainer of all things, and all that happens is as He wills. Put your faith in Him, that His strength will sustain you and your loved ones.

        May Allah guide and protect you, sister.

        Midnightmoon editor

  7. assalamu alaikum sister,

    Listen you are not evil and there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. I have seen sarcoidosis many of times and it is an idiopathic autoimmune disease. ALOT of clears up on its own and then antiinflammatory medications are continued until the inflammation is gone and that is shown by tests of CRP and ESR...i suggest you see a rheumatologist because again alot of times it clears itself ..but if you know or didnt know..stress STRESS plays a BIG PART in how our bodies react..autoimmune disease are EXACERBATED BY STRESS..meaning WHEN WE STRESS our bodies begins to attack its own organs with our own defense mechanisms .

    RELAX YOUR SELF SISTER, STOP STRESSING! the catheter was put in because you probably had inflammation in your heart area due to this..STOP STRESSING..i will not go into further what it can cause but just stop it.

    also as far as sex is concerned it sounds like you either have vaginitis or you just have anxiety issues which cause you to fear alot. just by reading your post, you worry about EVERYTHING..sister..we all have worries and stressors and the like but if you live your life in fear of "what ifs" then you will never live a FULL LIFE.

    STOP thinking of negative and think of what if i do?? we are self fullfilling..when we have negative thoughts we cannot expect positive outcomes. get active in your care, take some hobbies that will allow you to de-stress and relax and talk to your husband. this depression your child will see and they will become depressed. im sure you are a great person to be around and a good personality show that.

    DO NOT listen to ignorant people who have no idea nor care to even research what a disease is before they just say something mean and evil. autoimmune problems run in families and your sister's attitude she could get it as well.

    as for the prednisone which is a corticosteriod it can cause mood changes...and hormonal issues so of course this can be a cause of why you are feeling so anxious. YOU can always speak with your doctor about getting a lower dose since you are on longterm therapy as alot of times you can take a lower dose steroid and take other antiinflammatories like an nsaid (but take precautions to not injure yourself and that can be just as just dpends on your CRP and ESR levels..

    sister..stop stressing, and enjoy your life. i dont believe in comparing one's others woes to our own because everyones' journey in life is different but think of what you DO HAVE! you have LIFE! you are HERE! you have a daughter and a husband. talk about things tell him how you are feeling. find things to do with your time, work out moderately and i promise you your sarcoidosis if not be cured can be greatly improved.PEOPLE RARELY DIE OF IT.

    i wish you the best


  8. Salam Sister

    the tipps above should help you but you should tell your husband too because why did get married? He will need to support you in this time so that you both can go for a healty sexual relationship.

  9. May be some thing to do with sexual abuse as a child or a teen.

  10. dear sister,

    My heart goes out for you. I had vaginismus for the first 2.5 years of my life. We were very compatible in every way Alhamdulillah, but not having sex threatened our marriage. My husband always had very high libido, which did not help. I made sure that we did a lot of mutual masturbation, and I often initiated those if hubby didn't approach me for too long, but I felt very sad and inadequate for not being able to give my husband what he needed. It is horrific... I know.

    Alhamdulillah through probing around on the net I came across the concept of vaginismus. Through my research I found out, there are two components of vaginismus:

    1. the thought process, fear of pain, childhood memory etc.
    2. the physical aspect of not being able to relax your body due to no 1 issues.

    I went to a psychiatrist for just 1 session, who talked to both me and my husband and told us that she thinks our psychology side is okay. (For us, it was my fear of pain... from popular culture I picked up that breaking of hymen should be a bloody and painful experience... I was expecting unbearable pain, my body caught up and stopped giving way to the pain. And then, even though I read that, really, with a gentle partner, and taking things slow and using some simple techniques it should not hurt, and my hubby would do all that is required, my body simply wouldn't cooperate)

    Now came the physical bit. For that, our physiologist referred us to a physiotherapist who specialises in vaginismus. Me and my husband went to just 2 sessions with the physiotherapist. She showed my husband how to do some internal massage and relax my body from within... It was very scary at first. Sometimes I would lie in the narrow treatment bed for 5 minutes, paralysed in fear, with cold hands and feet, before allowing the physiotherapist to work on me. I would be in such a humiliating mess subhanallah. The techniques (breathing exercise) taught by the therapist really helped alhamdulillah. With time and effort, my body learnt to relax. We were given this book by our therapist:

    It truly was great alhamdulillah, may Allah reward the authors. We were able to treat our vaginismus in just 3 weeks of regular (everyday) exercises from this book. If you don't do it regularly, then it will take longer.

    Now, after 5 years of marriage and a super active toddler, we have a very fulfilling physical relationship alhamdulillah. I wouldn't have believed it if anyone told me 5 years ago, but no pain, not so ever alhamdulillah, rather its actually pretty amazingly enjoyable! I Earlier, I was scared of my hubby's libido, now sometimes I do wonder who wants it more 🙂

    Try it sis. Allah gives diseases and He give us cure. I have to admit, our biggest cure was in prayers. We prayed a lot, especially desperately during ramadan. And we had our first penetrative (kind of okay) sex just after that Ramadan Alhamdulillah.

Leave a Response