Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Sexually frustrated


Aslamu alaikum,

I would like some advice from wise, experienced people. I have been married for around three years. In the beginning of my marriage there was sufficient sexually satisfaction, but as time went by it became a lot less. It came to a point that whenever I approached my wife, I would get a response that she is too tired now etc. I was not prepared to beg her for sex and left it at that.

Months would go by and I would not have any physical relationship. However, when it came to wanting a child she would approach me for physical relations solely for having a child- not for pleasure. Alhamdulillah, we were blessed with a child. After not having sex for a year during the pregnancy, I sat with my wife and explained that I cannot continue like this. Either our marriage will fall apart, or I would be taking a second wife as soon as the opportunity arise.

Immediately there was a response and things seemed to improve in bed. After a few weeks it went back to the same old. She wants another child, but I'm quite reluctant now. I'm not sure how to proceed, as she is the first woman in my life to be so close to me. On the other hand, she's had multiple relationships before islam. Maybe there's something wrong with my behavior- too sexual, I don't know. I would love to hear from all of you, inshallah.


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34 Responses »

  1. Wa 'alaikom alsalam wa rahmatuAllahi wa barakatuh!

    Brother, I think you need to sit down and have a serious and very honest talk with your wife. Tell her how you feel about the two of you not having sex. Let her know that you enjoy having sex with her and that not having it leaves you feeling frustrated and that you no longer wish to feel that way.

    Tell her that you've noticed that she's rather reluctant to having sex with you. Ask her why. Does she feel that she has a low sex drive? Does she feel unattractive? (Some women may lose their desire if they feel unattractive, and being approached for sex doesn't necessarily make them feel attractive) It could also be that she feels that she doesn't please you enough and therefore she might feel discouraged to be intimate with you. (Rather unlikely, but not to be ruled out.) Or is there something about your ways she finds disturbing? Maybe she feels you don't do enough to please her? Or maybe there are things she wishes you'd do but you don't do?

    It can be very difficult to ask such questions and even more difficult to hear the answers but, brother, please don't let your pride or fears stand in your way.

    Whatever you say you have to be considerate. Don't use an accusing tone or a demanding tone and dont say anything that would make her feel like a bad wife because the above will make it unlikely that she opens up to you. Let her know that it's okay for her to be honest with you.

    Another thing I think you should consider is that many (I'm not going to say all or most) women connect intimacy strongly with emotions and feelings. It's not an all-physical experience for them. If your wife is such then you will have to make her feel at peace emotionally before approaching her. You will have to make her feel loved and appreciated before approaching her.

    Yeah, sure, making her dinner (would show that you're making an effort to make her feel better) or buying her a gift (would show that you value her happiness more than your money) aren't bad ideas. But, there are simpler things that may show just as good, if not better, results. Perhaps you could take her for a walk, put your arm around her and talk to her? Share thoughts, ideas and dreams? Maybe some good memories? You mentioned you have a child, bring it along so she won't have to worry about it and also because it would give you a family-man-glow and women tend to be drawn to that. Or take her on a picnic, boat-trip, hike et.c.

    Brother, I know that it may seem as a whole lot of hassle just to get what is your right as a husband, but I think you'll find it's worth it when you see how happy your wife is. And, you never know, maybe you'll enjoy it as well and feel less stressed about life.

    Whatever you choose to do may Allah ease your hardships and bless your marriage. And, please, remember that in a relationship being sensitive is often far more important than being right.

  2. Sexually frustrated: After a few weeks it went back to the same old. She wants another child, but I'm quite reluctant now.

    Primary purpose of sex is to have babies. Many women have asked about how to deal with sexless marriage and non of them had said they will go to another man if their husband fails to perform.

    You talk to your wife and get some marriage counselling. There may be some other reasons for her not enjoying sex with you.

    • Please try to admire her dressing, cooking . Tell her she is special you love her . Then she feel attraction in you and all things remain same as you start your life .

  3. Assalam alaikum Brother,

    When you wife was too tired to be intimate with you, you didn't want to beg or pursue her further. This attitude will get you in the same situation with a second wife or another or another.

    If you want to be happy, I suggest that you date your wife. As soon as people expect something like intimacy with no effort, it is gone and dead. If your wife says no, pursue her and flirt with her--just like most boyfriends do with girlfriends--really married couples should be doing this in their relationships and it seems we have it backwards! I can guarantee you that if your wife never refused you and was always 100% ready to follow your each whim, you would be complaining of utter boredom.

    If you are not ready to pursue her after an initial turn-down, you might want to weigh the benefits of how complimenting her would help you! If you are ready for a second marriage, you most likely have the time to put more effort into your first.

    May Allah make it easier for you, Ameen.

    • If you want to be happy, I suggest that you date your wife. As soon as people expect something like intimacy with no effort, it is gone and dead. If your wife says no, pursue her and flirt with her--just like most boyfriends do with girlfriends--really married couples should be doing this in their relationships and it seems we have it backwards!

      What do you mean "you date your wife",he has legal as well as Sharia rights to bed her whenever he wishes to except in her periods or some months during pregnancy. According to a authentic hadith "A wife denying sex to her husband for no reason is cursed by hoors in Janah",

      This is such an embarrassing comment & sends all the wrong signals to Muslim wives & unmarried girls.

      • @saba If you want to be happy, I suggest that you date your wife. As soon as people expect something like intimacy with no effort, it is gone and dead. If your wife says no, pursue her and flirt with her--just like most boyfriends do with girlfriends--really married couples should be doing this in their relationships and it seems we have it backwards!

        What do you mean by this I don't get it considering this is a halaal marriage not haraam? There's a big difference. Also why do women always expect the man to do everything when she also should be making an effort. I feel sorry for this man. You defiantly need to talk to your wife and tell her how you are feeling and ask her if she is happy or what she wants. Unfortunately men are seen as sperm donors vice versa, these days marriages are a gamble may this journey become easier for you.

      • @ RecoveringPorn-Addict

        Actually I haven't come across the hadith in the same way you mentioned it. I would appreciate it if you could cite it with reference. JazakAllahu khair.

        In any case, having a low sex drive, sick or truthfully not in the mood is a good reason to avoid intercourse with a husband. Also, the prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) has also advised men to be nice with their wives, and in other hadith he advised them to practice foreplay with their wives before intercourse. But the question is, where is the starting point for a good foreplay or for being nice in general? This may differ from one woman to another. For some you may spend months, weeks, days, hours or even few minutes--depending on the previous foundation and the current mood. So perhaps dating her means to spend few months or weeks being very nice with her till you get to the foreplay eventually.

        There could be things that happen in Haram dating, but which are actually meant for halal marriage, so doing them in a halal marriage should not be a source of embarrassment or considered Haram at all.

        The below site may be useful, inshaAllah, and Allah knows best.

        • @Issah

          Narrarted Abu Huraira

          Allah's Apostle (Pbuh) said, " If a husband calls his wife to his bed (i.e. to have sexual relations) and she refuses and causes him to sleep in anger, the angels will curse her till morning." (Sahih Al-Bukhari Vol. 4 Hadith No. 460 & Sahih Muslim Vol. 2 Hadith No. 3368)

          Narrated Abu Huraira

          The Messenger of Allah (swt) said: By him in whose hand is my life, when a man calls his wife to his bed, and she does not respond, the One Who is in the heaven is displeased with her untill he (her husband) is pleased with her. (Sahih Muslim Vol. 2 Hadith No. 3367)

          Narrated Taiq ibn Ali

          Allah's Messenger (Pbuh) said, " When a man calls his wife to satisfy his desire she must go to him even if she is occupied at the oven." (Al Tirmidhi Hadith No. 1160 & Ibn Ma'jah Hadith No. 4165)

          The Brother has already been very nice to her, very few men married for three years can tolerate a wife who denies them sex for so long, but becomes sexually active when she needs a child. It is clear she is using him as a sperm donor who takes care of her daily needs.
          What is the purpose of marriage? does marriage only means to look after children and work hard for the family and stay away from each other?

          sex is a need of our body just as there is a need for food and water.

          what will you do if you do not get anything to eat for 3 days?

          • @RecoveringPorn-Addict

            JazakAllahu khair for citing those ahadith. However, it seems like you missed my point. As I'm already aware of the ahadith you cited above, but my point was about the previous hadith which says that "A wife denying sex to her husband for no reason is cursed by hoors in Janah". I have never come across this hadith, with the same words. Though Imam Tirmidhi mentioned a similar hadith (of which he graded as hasan, not sahih) but there is no mentioning of denying sex nor in Jannah in the hadith.

            As for being nice, we can't tell if the original poster did it well or not, but it was just an advice in case he is having troubles in that side, to improve himself.

            As for your question "what will you do if you do not get anything to eat for 3 days?" In fact, if it happened to me, and I knew for sure that I didn't prepare any food for eating, then I will find the best way to prepare my food the next time, so that I don't sleep hungry/angry again.

          • Assalam alaikum,

            @ Sr. Samina, I'm advising the husband, had I been advising the wife, I could have made suggestions to her. It is unfair to twist my words into how you interpreted them. As for men being sperm donors, we can say that women are egg donors where their bodies are used as that fair? This conversation will get us no where.

            Dating one's wife isn't haram since she would be under Nikah. So why are people so offended, I can only imagine the reasons for it. Why is it embarrassing to date one's spouse when it is halal? If you are so offended by the word date, we could replace it with another, but then we are just dancing around semantics.

            Allah says in the Quran [2:223]

            "Your wives are a place of sowing of seed for you, so come to your place of cultivation however you wish and put forth [righteousness] for yourselves. And fear Allah and know that you will meet Him. And give good tidings to the believers."

            If we look at the example of a person who has land and wants to benefit from growing plants on it, how much good will it do to stand there and say "I command you to grow vegetables and fruit because you under my authority!" Of course, we all know how ridiculous that would be--instead, wouldn't you take care of it, water it, fertilize it, love it, weed it, put effort into it--and then enjoy the fruit of your handwork?

            "Commentary of Mawlana-Abul-Ala-Mawdudi:"The farmer sows the seed in order to reap the harvest, but he does not sow it out of season or cultivate it in a manner which will injure or exhaust the soil. He is wise and considerate, and does not run riot." (Afzalur Rahman, Quranic Sciences, London 1981, p.285)"

            "Imam al-Daylami (Allah have mercy on him) records a narration on the authority of Anas ibn Malik (Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) is reported to have said: “One of you should not fulfil one’s (sexual) need from one’s wife like an animal, rather there should be between them foreplay of kissing and words.” (Musnad al-Firdaws Of al-Daylami, 2/55)"

            The above examples are the things I meant by dating one's wife rather than running to a second band-aid marriage in which the same problems will surface--and then the man will conclude "Women, they are horrible."

            Usually men who state their wife will go to hell if she does not satisfy him are most likely not concerned with the safety of their wife's soul so much as they are concerned with their satisfaction. While it is important to women to meet the needs of their husbands and should take this very seriously--this Hadith is very good for them to know, it is important for husbands to not harp on this and use it as a weapon to gain intimate relations from their wives. Maybe this technique will work in some cases, but I guarantee you that it will hurt the wife as opposed to nourishing love in her heart for her husband. You might get the intimacy, but certainly you will not be cultivating love.

            @ Br. Issah, your response was perfect! Jazak Allah.

  4. Salam brother,

    I agree with sister Saba and brother Issah, you need to be more romantic with your wife instead of intimacy being something that you demand and she performs! It needs to be something that you both want and desire, then it becomes a source of pleasure for both and builds on your love and affection. Do you not want your wife to be happy to be intimate with you instead of it being a burden in her? Do you not want her to be happy too?

    I don't know why some people push the logo that its a man's right and a women has to obey no matter what! I mean is she a robot? She is human and has feelings too! She gets tired too or feels pain or loses desire too. Or is this all irrelevant? I have seen many posts from women in sexless marriages for many many years, yet they were advised to be patient and seek happiness in other hobbies and forget about intimacy. They didnt threaten their husband with divorce or start seeing other men! They stayed in their marriage patiently trying to dress up, look good and trying everything possible to make their husband come round!

    So why can't our dear muslim brothers have some patience? Why is it only women that are expected to be pateint in every scenario? Threatening your wife that you will remarry you'll only create problems between you as she will think you do not value her or love her enough and are willing to let go of her at the first sign of a problem.

    You need to have a good chat with her. Be completely open and honest with her. Let go of any ego's you have. making her understand your feelings and how it is affecting you. Being emotional with your wife is not going to make you lose your self respect. Honesty, kindness and compassion is the heart of a marriage. So pour your heart out. Ask her if she is having any problems and how you can help. You both need to help each other out.

    She maybe feeling insecure after your threat of a second marriage and so is considering to have another child to make your family bigger. Suggest to her that as she is already tired with one kid maybe its best to keep a few years gap. This will give you time to sort out your issues in the meantime.

    Insha Allah your problem gets sorted soon.

    • @Issah I was referring to this hadith “No woman annoys her husband but his wife among Al-Hoor Al-’Ayn says, ‘Do not annoy him! May Allah destroy you (Literally ‘Kill you’)! For he is just a temporary guest with you and soon he wil leave you and join (come to) us‘.”

      [Ahmad 5/242. Al-Tirmidhee 1174. Ibn Maajah 2014]

      If a wife denies sex to her husband for so long, won't he get annoyed by her?

      Anyways, this hadith is hasan (sound) according to ibn Majah, it is also hasan (sound) according to Imam Tirmidhi.

      The essence of my question "what will you do if you do not get anything to eat for 3 days?", was
      what options does a man who can't take another wife and stuck in sexless marriage have to satisfy his sexual needs.

      1.Masturbate (cook at home),deemed as a sin by many scholars.
      2. Adultery (eat out),a major sin.
      3. Castrate themselves
      4.Fast for life.
      5.Accept it a faith and make life miserable.

      All stupid acts when you have a halal outlet at home

      • 6. Date your current wife. This option is very important and better than rushing into a second marriage.

        When you date your wife, it means you are spending more time being psychologically and emotionally very nice with her, and at the same time learning and discovering new things about each other in a halal way, just like the way you both did in the beginning of the marriage, which made intimate enjoyable and sufficient. As the original poster said "In the beginning of my marriage there was sufficient sexually satisfaction". So what happened now? The problem could be one out of two. Either she has developed a low sex drive or the husband has stopped doing the nice things that made her desire him in beginning of the marriage--either way, trying all possible ways to fix the problem at hand should be the first option. A man does not run away from a problem. He stays and fix it.

        • 7. If you forgot, refer to # 6 again!

          Great advice Br. Issah.

          • @Saba If dating is being nice to your wife then that is fine with me,,BUT WHAT YOU HAVE SUGGESTED IS,"date your wife,If your wife says no to sex, pursue her and flirt with her"-which is not part of Islamic teachings concerning husband-wife relations, it is infact the duty of spouses to satisfy each others sexual needs in a marriage without riders attached if they are physically fit.

            The advice of being gentle with wife( from Mawlana-Abul-Ala-Mawdudi),foreplay & kissing is irrelevant to the brothers issue as his wife is refusing to share his bed for a long time.

          • @Saba To begin with, the solutions provided were silly and it looked more sillier when your Br Issah was defending them over and over again in all his posts.

            I completely agree with the advice given by Sr Samina, if that does not work the brother has all the rights & a strong reason to end his sexless marriage as per Sharia laws or marry again.

        • @Issah

          6. Date your current wife. This option is very important and better than rushing into a second marriage.

          Being kind, nice & gentle with your wife is what Islam teaches us but I have never heard that the husband has to date his wife if she refuses sex, this is a "stupid suggestion", alien to Islam.
          You are assuming that the wife has low sex drive or the brother is not doing nice things to her. Even people with low sex drive have sex once in while and the brother not doing nice things to her does not gives her a licence to refuse him sex completely.

          She is not fulfilling one of an important duties of a wife in marriage, that is the bare truth

          • @RecoveringPorn-Addict

            What I find you doing is, agreeing and supporting our explanation about "dating a halal wife and flirting with her", and at the same time condemning and contradicting yourself. However, if you find any difficulty in grasping what we are saying here, then I would advise you to ignore everything. Perhaps inshaAllah the original poster would be in the right position and mature enough to get all the signs in what we said.

        • @Issah and @Saba

          This is an Islamic website, so our responses should be structured in a way that they adhere to Islamic beliefs, teachings and Islamic Sharia laws. Unfortunately, it is observed that some of the responses to OP are based on personal preferences, beliefs, experiences, un-Islamic ideas borrowed from non Muslim cultures and even to make "someone happy", which defeats the whole purpose and aim of this wonderful site.

          • I agree with Br. Issah.

            @Recovering, this conversation just got sillier. And you are offended over something that you are creating in your mind.

            Rather critiquing our advice, I suggest you post below something that has successfully worked for you since you believe you have something better to offer. Jazak Allah.

          • Brother,

            Observing patience, compassion and understanding for one another are fundamental points in Islam. Sister Saba and brother Issah are just promoting these characteristics within a marriage. This is not against Islam.

            Allah gave us common sense to use in every situation. Islam is not just about demanding your rights. Its also about the best course of action in every situation. We are given the choice of dealing with it harshly or compassion and mercy.

            Women are more likely to respond positivly to romance and compassion then harsh treatment! Divorce, threatening to remarry, abuse will only push her away!

            Isn't it better for the Op to at least try the softer approach with his wife first. If this works then he will safe his family and everyone's happy! Instead of making a rash decision and breaking the family unit!

        • @Issah

          Don't know what part you have not understood. I am repeating again, I am ok with concept of being nice to your wife in everyday life which you call dating, but strongly object to what Saba suggested(And you agreed to it) which is, if your wife refuses sex, date her, flirt with her and pursue her, as this is not part of Islamic teachings concerning husband-wife relations, it is infact the duty of spouses to satisfy each others sexual needs in a marriage without riders and conditions attached if they are physically fit.

          I always see you post a string of ahadiths & Quranic ayats to supplement your responses, can you can provide "one"proof or ruling from Sunnah & Quran which categorically states that a husband should date & cajole his wife if she refuses sex.

          • Romancing one's spouse is not unIslamic.

            Imam ‘Ali (A.S.) says, “When you intend to have sex with your wife, do not rush because the woman (also) has needs (which should be fulfilled).”


            In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

            Foreplay between the spouses before actually engaging into sexual intercourse is immensely important (especially for the wife) and a vital ingredient for a happy and prosperous marriage, that which should never be neglected.

            The husband should sexually arouse his wife before having sex. It is indeed selfish on the husband’s part that he fulfils his sexual needs and desires, whilst his wife remains unsatisfied and discontented. Failure in satisfying the wife can have terrible consequences on one’s marriage.

            It should be remembered that, just as Islam has given the husband his right of sexual intimacy, and extreme emphasis has been laid upon the wife to obey her husband in his request for sexual intimacy, at the same time, Islam also recognizes a woman’s need for love, affection and foreplay. It is quite common in men to demand their sexual rights, but they should also see whether they are giving their women their rights in bed.

            It is extremely naive for a man to think if he commands his wife for intimacy, that fear alone would drive her towards her. I am not sure if a man even necessarily has to ask his wife for intimacy, because it is more than simply a question and begins with sweet and kind words outside the bedroom. We can call this dating, romancing or cajoling or what-have-you, but if you want a successful relationship with one's spouse, then begin with your own actions as this is what you indeed have control over.

            As for a wife saying no and the husband giving up immediately--it may be that she needs some sweet words or some foreplay...something more indirect than a question. A husband shouldn't give up so quickly either. A wife should be accomodating too. Sitting by the bedside and telling one's wife Hadith about how she will be punished will certainly not put her in the mood--which is the only thing I see offered in your advice.

            If their marriage started off wonderfully, but things are slow now, that does happen with couples--especially after the infatuation wears off. There is nothing wrong with romancing and flirting with one's spouse.

            Seeing above that you have suggested the brother to end this marriage, he will simply face these issues again and again in his new marriages if the same mistakes and attitudes carry forward.

            I advise this brother to not consider divorce. Work on this marriage and understand that intimacy is something that couples have to work on at different times in their marriage.

  5. How do I most a question?

  6. Assalamualaikum

    I've quite similar problem in my married life. I've been married for 5 years and masha Allah I've 2 beautiful kids. My husband loves us a lot. He is a hard working person and always tends to do whatever possible to fullfill our family requirment. It was an ideal love marriage done via proper channel with concent from both families. We all are very happy except for a small problem. My husband is not a very healthy person. He is quite week in bed. Early ejacuation have lost almost all pleasure from our sexual relationship. He is always avoiding to have sex and sometimes its done only once a fortnight or once a month. Its not like he doesnt have desire. No. He is actually a very sexually active person but due to his health conditions he avoides doing it practically n instead watch porn movies to fullfill his need. But onpy when week or fortnight passes he asks me to do it. And its driving me crazy. Im not a type of women who can even think of killing our marriage as i love my husbqnd. Insteqd only sometimes i dare to watch porn cause i know its zina and haram in islam' but I can't help it. Please tell me what the hell I do to kill this rising frustration in me.

    • By watching porn he is training his penis to ejaculate quickly within one minute.

      My marriage sex was suffering. My husband did not have any idea how to please me. It would drive me crazy as just when I started he would ejaculate.
      But alhamdulilah he swallowed his ego and read about how to satisfy me.

      The prophet said kisses and words are the means to arouse the wife.

      Men just do NOT understand this fact:

      Have you tried kissing her long on her lips gently this gets women excited. Kissing her gently all over her body.

      Secondly words choosing sexually explicit language with your wife of what you will do to her Can get her excited. It really is depended on how skilled the husband is. My husband knew nothing about how to excite me until he started reading books like Enjoy Amazing Halal Sex by Layla Rashid and sexual etiquette in Islam by sheikh kawthari

      Other ways to excite your wife.
      Remember relaxation and gentle foreplay are the foundations to increase her desires.

      1.She takes a long HOT bath. This will relax her and make her arousable very easily.

      2.Every day Routine kills passion take her away to a beautiful hotel room this will free her from feeling responsible for the house and kids. A change of environment can increase her arousal.

      3.Massage her vagina a man came to imam abu haneefah and asked is it ok to pleasure ones wife with hands as I am unable to with my penis? he replied yes and inshallah he will be rewarded for that.

      4.Kiss her passionately and long this will build her desire. you need to build her desire and kissing does this.
      5.Romance her.

      These are just some ways he learned from Enjoy Amazing Halal Sex and al kawtharis book.

      Brothers sex is a skill just like cooking, drawing driving and you need to practice various things to have a healthy sex life coz otherwise the marriage will suffer.

    • Sister SFN

      When we fast for long hours how quickly do we become satisfied by the food when we have iftaar? Very fast right?

      By keeping away from sex for long periods your husband will get satisfied quickly. Since we started increasing the amount of sex we have to twice a day three times a week it takes a lot before my husband ejaculated. It got to 40 minutes before he did and then when we reduced it. The time fell to 15 and then Less sex the time fell to 5 minutes. Again when we increased the frequency the time it took for him to ejaculate increased.
      get your husband to lie down on his back on the bed then put olive oil on your hand and rub his genitals until he ejaculates. Then when he can produce an erection at earliest time in two hours have sex. As his penis will be less sensitive to your vagina.

      If all else fails get him to spray his penis with stud 100 10 minutes before interrcourse.

      Honestly get educated on sex together by reading books it will inject life back into the marriage once the sex improves.

      • The increase in quality of sex will lead to increase in quantity of sex. In other words the more your wife enjoys sex the more she will be in the mood for it.
        Education is the key to ensuring she orgasms before you ejaculate.

        It would be worth having a read of Layla Rashid's Enjoy Amazing Halal Sex which gives various ideas on how to enjoy sex with your spouse. As this book got my husband to understand what I as his wife wants during sex.

        It covers topics in detail such as how to foreplay ones wife until she is secreting her own wet substance and is fired up and then to enter her,
        It teaches husbands how to overcome pre mature ejaculation,
        Sexual techniques that will lead the wife to orgasm.
        How husbands should enter their wives on the wedding night causing no pain to her.

        Before marriage Muslims need to understand sexual needs and emotional needs of their spouse. Otherwise the marriage becomes dead and suddenly falling into haram can become tempting from the shaytaan.

  7. OP: My husband is not a very healthy person. He is quite week in bed. Early ejaculation have lost almost all pleasure from our sexual relationship. He is always avoiding to have sex and sometimes its done only once a fortnight or once a month.

    You should both see a sex therapist. If your husband ejaculates before getting an erection, some thing like Viagra may help. There are techniques to delay ejaculation if it is the main problem. Some drugs can help too.

    You use porn to stimulate yourself. Your husband also watches porn to fulfill his needs. You guys are proof that some married people use porn for sexual stimulation

    If your husband has a health condition that is preventing him from enjoying sex, talking to a physician may help. Some drugs can cause sexual problems.

  8. I can't believe how anyone can defend that wife. And for the guys defending the sister, what kind of spineless men are you? It's his Islamic God given right. Men are biologically created like this!!!

    • Mohamed, it has nothing to do with defending the wife, or being spineless. I didn't read all the responses, but the very first one was good. The husband needs to talk to the wife in a kind, forthright manner and learn what the problem is. Then they can try to address it, Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

  9. Dear Brother,

    it seems like the two of you lack good communication between one another. Good communication is the foundation of a good marriage. I would suggest you both sit down with each other and talk about this in depth, both of you should write down what you want in the bedroom, what you would like the other person to do, your likes and dislikes as sometimes it's easier to communicate in writing rather than by talking. Also it's important for you to find out what your wife doesn't like in the bedroom as there could be something your doing that's putting her off having sex with you. It's important to find out what the problem is.

    Also since women's desires are connected with their emotions, they need to feel they are loved, they don't like to be used not even by their husbands & show some affection. For example instead of you asking her for sex, try kissing her gently and touching her body to get her in the mood and try cuddling at night (sleeping in each others arms). It's important to show appreciation, show respect, show you care, take her out once in a while, go to a restaurant for a meal so she won't have to cook, it will mean less work for her so less chance for her being tired.

    Also sometimes bring her flowers, give her compliments about how good she looks & buy her some lingerie. Take her shopping so you both pick out the lingerie together and buy her perfume once in a while for anniversary or birthday. Also find out what aftershave she likes so you can wear it before going to bed as this might help in getting her in the mood.

    It's extremely important you address any issues you may have immediately, do not wait for months or a year, the longer you leave them the harder they will be to address & sort out. Tell her how you feel, remind her kindly what her duties are as a wife in Islam as it's her responsibility to take care of her husbands needs. It may be a good idea to seek medical advice as your wife could be suffering from depression. All women are different same as men, some will have a high sex drive, some will have low sex drive but not having sex for months or a year is not normal or healthy in a marriage.

    If your wife still does not comply I would suggest sleeping in separate rooms, completely ignoring her, now this may sound like a strange thing to do but giving that separation will allow her time to miss having you beside her at night & it will make her understand that you are serious about this. Also I would suggest you stop giving her an allowance until she resolves this issue because if she feels it's ok to not fulfil her duties as a wife then you should not feel that you need to fulfil your duties as a husband and make this very clear to her in a nice manner. If this still does not work then take a more serious approach, tell her to pack her things as she is going to stay at her parents house until she is ready to accept and fulfil her wife duties.

    It's up to you but I would not suggest you have more kids until this issue is resolved as it sounds to me like your wife is trying to keep her place as your wife more secure so you won't divorce her which is why she possibly wants more kids.

    I'm a women myself, I understand women's feelings, perspective but at the same time I understand the obligations that both husband and wife have to each other and it's not right that either one of them should ignore this, it makes the relationship weak, creates unnecessary arguments & misunderstandings. Sex is a normal biological requirement for both the husband and wife & neglecting each others needs is wrong and a sin in Islam.

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