Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Shame and Depression about Daughter and Convert Wife

Shame and guilt

Asalamoalikum, I have a most difficult life, Married in young age in West, and troubled life started. Wife did accepted Islam on Nikah .. Got a daughter .. had lot of problems in life...

i practice Islam seriously and regular to Islamic society but feel so ashamed due to wife who is convert but not practicing she still says she is Muslim ... pray very rarely . She dont stay with me and stays with her non muslim family. Every single time my heart boils when I stress for deen but she dont take serious. Dress improper and I feel shame in society ....

Currently I have 2 year daughter I feel so depressed... most of community dont know about it ... and I feel so ashamed to share my problem with my community ... Really most of them instead of helping just judge you and make kind of fun about you..and you become  talk of town.. . I dont have any immediate faimly here ...

I feel very depressed ...confuse ... may be I dont even have any courage to take my daughter for this incoming EID due to shame from community, they ask lot of questions and i dont have any answers .... True is I am with this woman for the sake of my daughter .. She is good mother but just not Islamic mother ... She stayed only few months in 8 year of marriage with me  ... she call her self a muslim but dont practice .. i just so tired of it but feel if i let it go scared for my daughter future. ....

Also I almost always pray  in masjid .. very punctual ... and from very relegious faimly ... but since i was alone I messed up my life. ... Now honestly living in such a shame ... i some time just think I just dont go to masjid. ... I hurt every one around me, my parents who are tired of my problems and current wife because I tell her to follow deen but it seems she is not interested....

Honestly i just do over to please her by financial support and kindness ...but it seems this culture  the don't care ...or have any  value for it ...

Please brothers and sisters help me .. I was very energetic successful professional who used to lead community and now just living alone ... in depression and extreme hopefullness ...I do all duas .. I do every thing from honest heart but seems I am getting deeper in ditch every single day ....

I ask Allah every single day for the death .. instead of living a life of shame and mental toruture ...i know i should not ask but i think I am not just hurting every one around me .....and really get depressed without my daughter ...
Please be advice ...


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14 Responses »

  1. salaam

    brother you need to grow up and look at yourself for heaven sake this women left everything to come to Islam and you
    and all you can do is boss her around stop thinking about what others will say look at what Islam says you cannot force the religion on anyone you can encrouge her and do yourself if she does not do then continue yourself give her space and time and as far as clothing is concerned it does not happen over night you married her knowing what she wears she does not have to wear salwar kameez just clothing that covers her and yo can' seperate her from her family and you can't marry in secreacy

    anyway point is look at yourself first encrouge her with love and do not force her

  2. Wa `alaikom alsalam.
    Brother, to be honest with you, I think your problem is taking a serious toll on you because you're letting it do so. Stop worrying about what people think. Your a good Muslim for the sake of Allah and you want to raise your daughter according to proper Islamic teachings, right? Then do just that, be a good Muslim and show your daughter what it's like to be so.

    Yes, her mother will influence her but you can strive to be a greater influence. Show her that as Muslims we worship Allah and Allah only, that we give up on the petty pleasures of this life for the greater pleasures of the hereafter. Be an ideal Muslim and father, show her that Muslims are kind and caring and helpful. Give donations (sadaqat) and let her know that as Muslims we are generous and that giving will never make her poor. Let her know that we shouldn't judge people and leave that to Allah for He is the best judge. And if the Muslim community you are involved with forgets their main Islamic values and is focused on judging you, then maybe you would like to ask yourself if this is the kind of surrounding you want your daughter to grow up in?

    Brother, these days cultural values are often misinterpreted as Islamic values and as are many behaviours. Don't let that misguide you. Keep clear sight of what is in Islam and dont worry about the opinions of your fellow brothers so much. You're doing the right thing, aren't you? Focus on your daughter and on raising her as a Muslim because that is your religious duty. You said you were an "energetic successful professional"? Now let us see you become an energetic successful father.

    And, allow yourself to dream ahead a little (not too much though). If you do raise your daughter to be a good Muslim and if you are a good father to her, what will she think of you when she grows up? It's just a guess but I'm sure she'll think of you as the best father there has ever been and she'll know what qualities to look for in a spouse. Brother, you've been blessed with an opportunity that I think you're undervaluing.

    As for her mother I think you should be patient and continue to advise her. Do not be unkind to her and do not try to force her into anything as it will most likely have an opposite effect. Instead try showing her what it is to be a good Muslim by setting yourself as an example. Be the best Muslim you can be and practise diligently and with consistency. And I think you should try to be VERY kind to her. Perhaps your kindness and piety will make her wonder what it is you see in your religion that keeps you being so kind to her and so steadfast? Perhaps it will cause her to be more interested in learning more about Islam and becoming a better muslimah?

    You wish for death? Brother, you have a daughter. Whose mother is not a good religious influence according to you. And you want to die and leave her without any religious guidance so that you can escape shame? I think you should be more ashamed about wanting to die and leave your daughter lost than about your wife's lack of practice.

    Brother, please, stop worrying about what people think and keep track on what truly matters.

    • salaam

      well said
      the brother seamed to have lost focus and in-trapped by culture rather than Islam
      It feels to me like his behavior has pushed her away Its so hard to learn about Islam when you are born in a muslim family its even harder when you convert but do not have the resources to continue to learn and build

  3. AsalamAlikum brother,

    As a convert myself, I would like to take you to look at the problem in a different angle. To be honest, regardless of her being a "true muslim" or not, first of all, you should look at this so called "marriage" . I DO NOT SEE THERE IS A FAMILY EXIST HERE.

    You said you have been married to this woman for 8 years and she stays with you only a few months ?? How's that possible? You live alone all this year by yourself and she comes and goes occasionally??? If this is the case, you need to sit down to tell your wife that you two has formed a family and tell her the roles of her in the family - e.g being living in the same household, be a mother of the daughter, tend the house or be a working mother. That goes the same as you- be a husband of the household, provide financial needs and care for her and the daughter, etc etc. . I am sorry, you need to put a lot of efforts to correct the whole situation. Be firm, let her know that she is now a wife and a mother in your household, she should keep her family as a first priority instead of living with her family. BE KIND, send a message that you want this marriage works. (If she does not want to proceed to have a "proper family" with you, you should seriously think about leaving her. BUT NOT FOR THE REASON THAT SHE IS NOT A TRUE MUSLIM.

    Secondly, being a convert AND married to a msulim man from a very strong cultural background is very difficult for a woman. I know you never mention what is your background. Your wife needs your initiative to take her to see the community in a small steps.

    Let her take her own pace, you may start to have conversation with her about Islam, NOT LECTURING, how Islam guide muslim in the daily life and the wisdom behind. Guide her to think rather to force her to accept. Patience is the key. DO NOT just mention haram and halah to differentiate in the daily life. For example, if her outfit is not appropriate, let her take her step by introducing her to wear properly first. Tell her a loose T-shirt is fine but not spaghetti straps or revealing clothing. Wearing pants is fine as long as it is not too tight, even if she prefer to wear shorts is fine as long as it is a kneel length or a carpi. She CANNOT jump to wear like a muslim woman with long loose abayas in the first place. I hope you understand this example will lead to others subjects in your daily life too. For example, it is her right to visit her family but just keep the frequency low by not interrupting your marriage life . DO NOT ARGUE OR PICK ON any minor things. IF she sees you cares and you make an effort to set up a family with warm and love, she will change.

    Thirdly, slowly introduce her to the masjid or your friends circle. You need to recognize her as your wife and recognize your daughter as your daughter in public. Being religious means to face your past and work on the present. Ask your wife to take your daughter to some muslim playgroup. Take you wife to some muslim family gathering. Just expose her to the community SLOWLY. It may also help to talk to the masjid if there is any sister would like to be a convert mentor or she may like to visit your wife, etc etc. You need to ask for help in the masjid or within your trust family / relative circle.

    Fourthly, you said you pray, punctual in the masjid, religious, etc etc. Inshallah, this is very good but remember don't do this to isolate yourself with your wife. You need to include her and give time to her. Being religious does not mean isolating yourself. Create time for you and your family. When was the last time you go out with your wife and your daughter? Walk to the park, take her to the playground with your wife. It helps to strengthen the relationship. I once heard someone in my masjid said to my husband that marry to a "convert" is a burden. He commented me and my daughter of not wearing hijabs. I was not pleased and felt so unfairly judge by them. But my husband knows I need time to internalize Islam by myself and noone should force it. He did not force me at that time instead he discussed with me patiently. I was an educated devoted Christian, even though I converted to Islam but I found myself so much easier to make friends with American rather than muslim women. I were constantly judged by their standard of being a "proper muslim" as I did not wear the long clothing and hijab like them. (even though I did not wear anything revealing. I wore very decent and classy) . I asked questions about Islam but they would consider me having a weak faith, etc etc. IT IS SO HARD TO BE PART OF THE Community. I miss my Church support group and prayer group so much as they were much more open to anyone regardless of what they wear or what cultural background they are from.

    I must admit to you, muslim community has a long way to learn to support a convert. For now, Alhumdulallah, I pray, fast, pay zakat, raise my children in an Islamic way. It took me almost 8 years to assimilate and understand the real Islam. I am still struggle about so many concepts - like hijabs for example. (I am not fond of it because it chock me so much and limit my outdoor life. I am an active woman whom runs, bike, swim etc. Some sisters said I will burn to hell and my daughter will burn to hell because of not wearing it. No matter how much I pray and fast and be a good person. It doesn't count, I will burn to hell!!!! I did force myself to do it for about 4 years, I hated it and made me so not myself. I felt being strangled and treated weirdly and unfairly by the wider community and my colleagues. Now I don't wear it all the time but I do it only in the masjid and with my husband. Why, am I a hypocrite? I receive so much pressure from the muslim community and my husband if I decide not wearing it. The better choice for me if to do it in front of them only. I know Allah won't judge me by a little piece of cloth. ) It may be so easy for those in born muslim to follow without a doubt. But for a convert, we carry our past experiences; have different exposure to life different levels of understanding Islam which all make us so much harder to be a muslim like an in born muslim. (For example, I will allow my daughter to study in the university away home while the others muslim think it is wrong. I will not fix a marriage to my daughter when she is only 16-17 while so many women think it is a right time to do it or they will commit sins. I will let her wear comfortable, decent, classy clothing instead of all long stumbling clothing that hinder her function as a young woman. We need to admit that there are many dos and don'ts in Islam, if a convert is not doing from their heart, it will suffocate them and lead them even away from the religion. Which one you prefer: let her take her time to be a muslim, establish her prayer gradually, be a good wife and good mother OR Just force her to be a religious woman that you and your community accept.

    Lastly, I would like to ask you and you should answer honestly by yourself: do you think she has room to be a good woman, a good wife, and a mother? If she is completely like a loose cannon and has no good character, no good quality , you may need to think if it is worth to keep the marriage. If she shows signs of willingness to change, please be patient, be kind with her. No matter what, you should not feel ashamed of your daughter and your wife. Recognize them, embrace them as your family member. Do not be afraid of what people think, it is only temporary. Let the ignorance stays ignorance. Some good muslims will accept you as you are brave to face your past and weakness. Do not hide from your daughter and your wife, be a good husband and a father.

    May Allah gives you strength, patient, and kindness to solve your problem.

    • Assalam alaikum Sister,

      I am aware of the challenges that reverts face including how to integrate into the Muslim community as many a times certain people have already formed tight-knit cliques.

      As for wearing Hijab and the Islamic dress code, I think we should be careful about being too lax about implementing it. Afterall, it is a requirement. We shouldn't excuse ourselves from anything small or big and think that Allah will or will not punish us. We should do our best to uphold Islamic values because there is a benefit in it for us, even if we dislike it.

      If it is difficult to dress Islamically for Reverts, I would suggest that start from something modest and move forward with what you can uphold. But whatever the case, don't give up and pay no attention to what people think and how they react.

    • salaam

      I felt so sorry for you hearing your story and struggle in making yourself a better muslim there is not enough community support for converts to ease the integration which is very sadning

    • Sister K: I am an active woman whom runs, bike, swim etc. Some sisters said I will burn to hell and my daughter will burn to hell because of not wearing it. No matter how much I pray and fast and be a good person. It doesn't count, I will burn to hell!!!! I did force myself to do it for about 4 years, I hated it and made me so not myself. I felt being strangled and treated weirdly and unfairly by the wider community and my colleague

      Some sisters will say any thing. Why do you need acceptance from every one?
      Even a burqa can't stop some one from having an affair.

  4. Assalam alaikum Brother,

    The people in the community who waste time gossiping and judging you are not the people who will help you during your difficult times, who will ask you if you need something when you are sick, who will offer help or a kind please ask yourself why you care so desperately for their approval?

    If you can build a successful relationship with your wife, then do that. You have married her, you have a daughter with her, try to practice Islam with her under one roof. No one can be perfect or practice Islam perfectly immediately, so there may be time for this. Allow yourself and her to let the pieces of your life fall into place, inn shaa Allah.

    If matters can't be sorted, then you really should do your best to be a part of your daughter's life. Death only sounds like an option because you want to escape from the reality without dealing with it--your daughter, more than anyone, needs you a lot. Please do not give up.

    Forget about the community and live your life--be there for your daughter, your wife and most of all, take care of yourself so that you can complete what you are meant to do while here for this short time on earth.

    May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen!

  5. Assalaamualaikam

    Don't be ashamed of your wife and daughter - they are your family. If you are concerned about the lack of direct Islamic influence in their lives, why not consider living together as a family? That way you can all grow in your deen together.

    When you talk with your wife and daughter about Islam, try not to be heavy-handed. Rather than laying down rules and demands, talk about the principles of Islam, the lives of The Prophet (peace be upon him) and his Companions (may Allah be pleased with them), and the many positive activities and projects going on within Islamic communities.

    It can be hard for reverts to feel part of a community, particularly a very close-knit one, so if your wife is open to the idea of meeting other Muslims and making new friends, you could look for sisters-only Islamic classes or community groups - if she starts going, inshaAllah she can make new friends and start to feel part of a group, as well as learning more about Islam. A lot of areas will have classes for people who are new to Islam, so your wife might want to go along to these - quite a few sisters pop into these classes even when they aren't technically "new". There may also be Islamic pre-school and weekend clubs in your area, so you could look into your daughter attending one of those in the future.

    With regards your wife's dress, inshaAllah as she learns more about Islam and meets more practising sisters, she may well find that she develops more modest tastes in clothing as she learns more about the reasons behind this. People can often underestimate how difficult it can be to wear hijab, due to the misperceptions people have and the years (sometimes decades) of being told different messages by the media - give your wife time and lots of encouragement, and don't be ashamed of her. By accepting Islam, she has taken a huge step already, so help her to build on that. If she wears something you like, compliment her on it. If she wears something that is a bit revealing, suggest a scarf or a cardigan, or mention how beautiful she looked in the less revealing clothes. If she expresses an interest in changing her wardrobe, support her - don't just give her money, get involved in helping her (give your opinion on things, suggest places to look for clothes, carry the bags...!), and tell her how much it means to you that she is growing in her deen.

    Instead of listening to the negative gossips in your community, say Alhamdulillah that you have been blessed with a healthy daughter and a wife who has stayed by your side despite the difficulties you've had so far. They are the people who matter in your life - these other people saying unpleasant things are just background noise.

    Midnightmoon editor

  6. Asalaamualaikum brother I think you should try to follow the sunnah of rasullah at home as much as possible.. Like how the prophet was with his wife, kids... Seriously I have heard a story that just by doing these things the spouse embraced Islam that to a practicing one... Don't care what people say it's your responsibility to protect them from Jahannam and guide them to Jannah. Be patient, wise, and pray for them even in tahajjud.
    Do remember me in your prayers. And don't keep saying things again and again because it may irritate them and can make the matter worst.
    Try to read out some stories of Prophets to your kids and wife maybe before sleep if possible.

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