Sharing positive outcomes of divorce and life after it…
Salam brothers and sisters,
I have seen lots of stories on here including my own about marriages that break down, I know that this site is generally about advice, but it would be really good if people could post something positive that came out of divorce and any successful remarriages. It's a very distressing process and I am sure a lot of people would benefit from some positivity.
Thank you.
bucks
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I'm christian wife of a Muslim man he already left me since 9 years ago and never back to me and never paid expenses of my two kids age 17 and 8. I want marry again can I need for divorce please help me
best regards
Vicky Rose
Salaam
Sister, my story. I was married to a man I both loved and respected. We were happy and I took joy in creating a home built on love and faith with the help of Allah. My husband studied and so did I so we didn't have much money but that is not important. When I was finished with studies I started working as a teacher and supported my husband while he finished his studies and practice to be a doctor. We bought a small house and I became pregnant. I had an inheritence from my grandfather and could pay for the downpayment. We had a beautiful daughter MashAllah and my husband finally finished his degree in medicine. Things were good. It came as a total shock when my husband told me he would take a second wife. Totally out of the blue. Bit by bit I came to know that she was a nurse at the hospital and they were in love at work. I tried VERY HARD to accept this. My husband gave me a schedule and told me I would get five days and she would get five days. He said since I had a house he would buy her a house. He said it didn't matter I bought the house because he is islamically duty to give her a house. He tried otherwise to be very good to me but it didn't help and make the pain better it only made the pain worse because I knew he was being just as loving to her and he chose to give me this pain. When my daughter had the pox and I texted him he didn't come. He told me later his second wife convinced him I only lied about pox and wanted to destroy their time. My good husband became a very bad half time husband and also because of this a bad father. He tried, but no person can be a full person when he is two halves. I had much supprt and help to accept the situation but finally I was so sad and disgusted I asked for talaq and he gave it after much begging and tears. People say I was mad and half a father and husband is better than none. They are WRONG. When I was divorced again I could concentrate om my happiness instead of the pain he gave me. I could be independant and a full time happy mother and teacher instead of a miserable half time wife. I got a very good job I love and my daughter loves school. Letting go of my marriage was painful but not as painful as holding on to degrading and hurtful life of competing for favor and time and love and never getting more than half. And now I have met a wonderful man MashAllah who loves me and my daughter and we are a happy family. Allah granted me a wonderful devoted fulltime father and husband instead of a halftime liar and poor husband. I am so happy I managed to leave. And this way I really managed to want for my sister what I wanted for myself and I let her have all of my husband and my blessing as well. We just have to put our faith in Allah and know that he will provide. We should not hold on to things that don't give us peace. Pray, and move on!
Wonderful advice, maa shaa Allah.
Beautiful, MashaAllah! I have learned much from your story.
I got married not that long ago. I am happy Alhamdulillah, but ofcourse there are those bumps here and there right? But the best advice I was given by my mother and other older women in my community is that " one of you has to be the good one and filled with patience...so let that person be you". So lately I have been trying to be the "better" one, letting go of anger and issues that create strife between us. It's hard but I realised that it's a trooper; best advice ever coz we don't have much to fight about anymore. I realised that when I dont argue my points, and let him win...I am actually the winner :).
SisterZahriya
MasAllah great advise and I agree
But are you actually a winner? Over time you may become resentful of having to compromise the person Allah has created u to be! I'm talking from experience, I did that for so many years I lost myself in my marriage and was half the person I used to be
I have recently expressed my unhappiness to my husband and instead of him wanting to compromise and for us to work on our issues he has decided to leave ( I am also 5 months pregnant)
Not sure what the process is on divorce in Islam while being pregnant but he hasn't yet contacted me about any proceedings
As the days go by Allah has opened my eyes and shown me the truth, I will be better off without him
Being a good Muslim isn't just about praying and fasting it is about being a good person overall and having tolerance for people's differences. Being able to accept people for who they are, being kind, caring and considerate. Although financially I will be worse off also having a daughter of 4 Will be tough but I truly and deeply feel within my heart Allah has willed this for me for a reason.
I have endured mental and emotional abuse over the years, being told what I can and cannot wear (Although I dress modest) who I can speak to, I stopped seeing my friends and living my life! He also had in his head that it was okay for him not to lift a finger around the house and help even while I was sick during the first 3 months of my pregnancy. He only complained that food wasn't on the table although I was too busy going to work rushing to pick up my 4 year old and vomiting inbetween lol he did not once offer to help or ask if I'm okay. He hasn't attended any appointments or asked how I'm doing my 4 year old has been more supportive than he has been to me. Allah has truly blessed me with an angel on earth walah
She rubbed my back while I was vomiting and told me I will be okay it brings tears to my eyes the level of kindness my daughter has towards me subhanallah
Writing this has even helped with healing
Thank you
Sister Mishmish ,
You made the right decision .There was no point in life when you are not happy . May Allah keep you happy .
Also I think there is nothing called love and all in Life .These all just in the mind and one can any time come out of the relation ship and lead a normal time . The concept of LOVE is FAKE in my view 🙂 .If some body is attractive it will be little easy to find a new partner .
I just believe in goodness like some spouse is good and understand his responsibilities and good towards his family .
@logical i agree with this too.
@Brother Logical,
I guess it depends on your definition of Love. Are you referring to the true love (i.e. affection and mercy) or the fake love (i.e. lusts and desires)? It is true that people may experience the later and then think that is the true love. However, prophet Muhammad (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) loved all his wives (radhiyallahu 'anhunna) with pure and true love, and so did his guided Sahabah (radhiyallahu 'anhum) and those who follow their path.
Therefore the concept of true love is not fake, but real. And it is this type of true love that is mentioned in the Holy Quran, where Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:
And Allah knows best.
I strongly believe if your destined to be happy you CAN BE. The only reason why we have so many problems in our asain communities is that people are not always honest or willing to make a marriage work. If you are getting negativity comments from people please ignore them you dont need to explain yourself. I will say if you are divorced and want to get married let it be when its meant to be dont just do it for the sake of it or put yourself through any unnecessary pain, stress or worry. I know there are some asain girls who are divorced with no fault of their own its kismet and a very big gamble finding someone who does want a commitment in a marriage. All this happens from Allah and in a way a blessing.
I find that if you start your day off as one small change of being positive then the rest follows because Allah is taking care of you. We all have journeys of pain, sadness and only we can change this into something better, stronger and becoming the better person through the hard times. The rest leave it to Allah and make dua for yourself within time you will heal inshAllah.
I married a man who I thought was a good Muslim from another country. But after we married I found out he was very dishonest and it was a big shock to me. He did not pray at all or practice Islam. He often was gone most of the time and left me to fend for myself most of the time in a foreign country. I later found out he was cheating on my talking to a lot of women and planned for a second wife thinking he could easily hide this from me. He seemed to think there was nothing wrong with lying and dishonesty. He would lie about everything even the smallest things. I finally realized he married me hoping ı would work hard and support him as I have a Masters degree in education and can work as a teacher. He took all my money when I arrived in his country when we married. He would also steal money as well from me. A friend confirmed my feelings about him as she told me he was dishonest and not to trust him. He had also stolen from other people. I had bad intuition about him and did not trust it at first. But later had proof he was dishonest. What I realized was Allah was trying to teach me always to listen to my intuition and trust it with Allah'S guidance. We can always protect ourselves from bad men if we listen to our red flags and warning signs. I had to escape to leave him from a foreign country and today I am safe and divorced from him. I am very happy and independent with a job I enjoy. I am glad I did not accept to live a life of neglect ,oppression and abuse. Islam allows women to ask for khula in situations like this because Marriage is suppose to be about love and companionship and increasing each others deen ,not about tolerating a dishonest man or getting abused in any way. May Allah keep all women strong and safe.
Dear sis buck walakumasalam , I donot have firsthand experience to share with you but at least 5 female cousins of mine have experienced divorce. Sorry to say but Divorce rate has gone very high.
In my moms generation there is zero divorce in our family but now 5 in very close blood cousins .
Two of them got divorce within a few months of first marriage and didnot have any children. Both got remarried now and got much better husband then their first one. More good looking ,islamically stronger and professionally lot better. I know these 2 are very happy masaAllah and having kids now.
Rest 3 cousins have one or 2 kids average. None got remarried so far.
I think if one has kids , it is always difficult to remarry. Success and happiness in remarriage depends a lot on luck and Will of Allah.
The divorce is higher than what it was for our parents' generation, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it was because they had more successful or better marriages. Especially women in the Indian Subcontinent--when they are married, mothers will often say to their daughters: "As my mother said to me, make your marriage work no matter what you have to do and it is only your corpse that should leave your husband's house."
Divorce has probably just become more accessible to women in recent years, but it doesn't mean that a generation ago they had the best marriages...just sayin.
I dont agree 100% but agree that if you have children it becomes tougher. I have 3 very close family members who got divorced one without children the other two with children. All 3 got married eventually and are very happy Alhumdhu lillah. But out od the 3 husbands only 2 or 1 is married, not very sure abt one husbands situation.
Salam sisters thank u for sharing your stories - how did you guys let go of your husbands? I'm finding this the most difficult part because I still want to be a part of his life and still hope that he will contest the divorce and evrythjng will be ok again.
Assalaamualaikum All,
Even I need help in this area - How can we forget our ex-husband. Is it possible to forget them completely only if remarried? Anyone who has let go of all memories without remarriage? how long it took? Is it possible?
In short, I had a very short marriage of 1.5 months though I was engaged for an year. I was sent as soon as I confirmed my conception and had lot of issues. Anyways... I find that I still get his thoughts after 2 years. Mashallah my son is 2 yrs old now and I am working and stays with my mother. My mother,myself and my son stays together. His face resembles his dad, who is not in touch, we got divorced on a bitter note. He does not support the child nor has asked for visitation rights. So we are not in touch at all.
My son's resembles his dad looks very much, just like carbon copy of his dad. Each time I get this thought, I say myself that my son has his own identity, he is gift of Allah and it is his face, nothing to do with anyone but at times, when he smiles , suddenly that person's face comes to my mind, tears flow at times. I dont know how to forget him completely.
Also I am afraid of the questions which my son may ask me while growing up. I am not afraid that when he has attained that age, I can tell him but what about handling those things when he is younger, cannot understand but asks, because of environment, other kids etc.
Please advise, how others are trying to come out of similar situations..what helps?
Remarriage is not an option.
Jazaak Allah
Sorry to hear about your situation 🙁 i personally think that you can't really forget someone that easily esp a husband/wife. But I guess as time goes on and we find happiness within ourselves the memories should become less painful and we can forgive that person and wish him/her the best.
I think I can forgive him coz I loved him once but wishing him best after enduring all the abuse, not sure .. especially when he has abandoned our child for no mistake of his. I had asked him to divorce me but take responsibility of child, he offered minimal financial help but that was not what I wanted, so I rejected it. I wanted him to take care of finance,social,religious - all responsibilities as a father.
@Umme Abdullah I am sorry what you been through. Not all men want to take full responsibility helping a child that they have fathered. You should accept minimal financial help. At least you getting some support my advise would be to you is dont reject to what offer you getting your child does not need to suffer. Hope for the best for you inshAllah.
You can forgive someone that hurt you. That means you can rebuild your life for yourself.
You can forgot the ex in sense of maybe erasing the past and moving into the future. I guess the difficult part is that future of marrying someone else and if they are worth marrying. I know sisters who are divorced and they as a woman finding it difficult to remarry. Neither have children but they seem to be hooked onto the past they did love their husbands and I can see that. They just say its dont feel right to remarry another man etc.
Majority of the time you have to be positive and realistic and I always say to all girls out there everything like this happen because it was written. When someone who does go on about their past its best to say to that person dont say anymore. You have to move on and ask Allah to give you patience and inner peace. It is very sad divorce is very high in asain communities and I often think back in my parents day that was seen for the woman has bad luck. These days its become common but very unfair justice to both parties. You just have to take this down as a experiance and pick yourself up again.
Lastly I dont think there are genuine risthey out there you have to do your research people are lying so much without the fear of Allah. May it become better for you inshAllah.
Salam sister,
I can proudly say im divorced and have never been happier since leaving him!!! There is no point staying in an unhappy marriage where there is no light at the end of the tunnel and there is no hope of improvement and its eating you away day by day. I mean we don't get married to suffer! Marriage should be a haven for us filled with love and compassion.provide us with love and companionship and protection, physical and emotional. We should be happy with our husbands! If its not then whats the point!
Now I kick myself why did i waste all these years with this abusive man, trying so hard to change him when obviously he didn't want to fix our marriage and couldn't care less for me or the kids! Why did I waste my tears on this man! I was so stupid. I would have saved myself so much heartache if I left earlier! I know I stuck in their for the kids for them to have a father. But what's the point of having an abusive father that doesn't care about his kids? Its better having no father in that case! I think I was scared about what the asian community will say as well.
Now Alhamdullilah I am so much happier, so much at peace. I am in control of my kids, my finances. I have my routine, I cook what I want. Go out with friends when I want, see family etc etc. no more stress calling my husband every minute to check why his not coming home, no red letters of unpaid bills, no bailiffs knocking in my door looking for my husband, no girls calling my house looking for my husband!no arguements! All that stress that was making me mental has disappeared!!! I feel like mentally i've been freed from prison! I am just peaceful living with my kids with my routine, getting along with good friends, keeping myself busy. No worries.
And time is a good healer. I can't say it wasn't hard after the divorce. I was depressed for a year but now few years down the line I don't give a monkeys about him! Before I was waiting for him at the back of my mind thinking he might change and beg to come back! Now I won't ever take him back! I have no feelings for him at all! As far as im concerned I've taken the trash out years ago!
I think its society that places this huge pressure on us not to divorce! Too stay married no matter what! Its better for your corpse to come out of your husbands house!! Etc etc. what kind of a life is this!! If this is supposed to be the case then that means a women's life is nothing but to be a slave to her husband, her life is worthless! Divorce is not a taboo it is necessary where there is no hope of the marriage being fixed. And both partners need to work on it not just the wife.
Society (Asian ) always places the burden on women to make the marriage work, to be patient to just endure the abuse for the sake of the kids! This is pure oppression for the women. For years women have been just enduring it in Muslim societies, that's why there were few divorces. Now women are standing up more for their rights to be treated well in a marriage.
Some Men abuse because women let them, and tolerate it. We need to stand up and let them know that if they want to marry then they will have to treat her with respect and love or else his getting nothing.
Some Men are like kids, you shouldn't spoil them with too much love and attention, when they do something wrong, you need to pull up on it immediately! Not just forgive and be patient or they will abuse further!
The day these men who are arrogant, egoistic, cheating, irresponsible realize that no women will put up with them and that the women will not hesitate to divorce them when they misbehave, they will strive to change.
We should stop thinking about what society will say then we will be much happier! I don't care what people think now, and a lot of people have changed their attitudes towards divorces, well in the west anyway!
I can't deny I do sometimes feel a bit upset that the kids don't have a father living with them, but then again
They are now much happier just with mum as no more arguments at home, shouting and screaming! I have more time for them now. My energy is used up in educating them and making them better human beings instead of desperately painfully trying to change a grown mans heart and make him see his errors! Which was getting me no where. I can see my kids doing much better at school now and being much happier with a peaceful atmosphere at home, Alhamdullilah.
If I do marry again this time it's all change! No more looking through rose tinted glasses! no more being the ever sacrificing patient martyr! I know exactly what I want, and How I want to be treated, and I wont be settling for anything less or tolerating any form of abuse from any men! Marriage is about love, respect, affection and compromise from BOTH spouses.
I've seen many of my friends and relatives marry after a divorce( no fault of their own) and they are so happy! Masha Allah and their kids are happy too! They also say the same thing! Why didn't I leave before!
And what happened to these abusive divorced husbands? Well now it's all change! Now they are jealous and depressed seeing another man keeping their ex wife and kids happy! Now they pity themselves for treating their wife so badly. Now no good women wants them after their track record. They are left lonely and alone, which serves them right!
Isn't that a happy ending : )
Salaam sis, what a positive post mashaAllah! I feel very happy for you and am glad you have found happiness and peace. I have spoken to two other girls who got divorced quite young after a short marriage like mine. After one year down the line they are both happily married and expecting !! So I guess there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I have filed for divorce recently. But instead of having the feeling of peace it's made me feel even worse. I still love my husband a lot and I guess I was hoping that he would at least feel slightly upset about me sending the papers and perhaps even that It would be a wake up call for him to get his act together after eight months of keeping me in limbo, but instead he seems quite happy about it and is completely ignoring me and won't respond to me when I ask to collect just a few things I left behind.
I feel so needy. As hard as I try I can't see a future without him and regret filing, because I feel like all I've really done is given him what he wanted but was too irresponsible to do. This is not what I wanted. I don't know how to let go. I really miss him.
Salama Aleikum,
I got divorced after a very short marriage, few moths only, whilst not living together full time. There's no right or wrong way to her through it. People used to tell me time heals all wounds- I didn't believe them. But I now know for myself that with time feelings die down, you learn about yourself and you realise you're a woman who deserves to be treated well. You simply let go of that man.
I've learnt that we sometimes idolise our partner, we think they're perfect and their love for us tells us we are worthy. That we are lovable and meaningful. When they stop loving us we think we are unlovable and worthless. This is the main problem I found. Just because he felt that way about me did not make it true at all. I am lovable, worthy and valuable. He does not see it but many others do. So his opinion has no worth to me any longer. Because from where I stand a man who can act like that has no opinion worthy of listening to.
The moment you realise you have a future ahead and new chance at life, the more grateful you are to Allah swt, the more you see him as a human being who has no relevance in your life any longer the easier it is to let go.
My divorce went through 4 months ago.
Do I miss him? No, not him as a person. I miss love and affection- but I know I will have that with someone special. A man who will love and cherish me. Do I think he misses me? Who cares. He made his choice. He can live with them now. I made the choice of moving on to happiness. Am I happy today? Yes Allhamdulillah very much so. I live a peaceful life. My problems do not stem from a man who is mistreating me. I'm not in conflict and emotional turmoil as a woman. I can chose a better future for myself. Do I still think of him? Yes of course. Most days he'll cross my mind, I'll remember what was said or done, events and scenarios- but this is my mind still processing things and clearing it out. Do I cry about him? Yes, but I cry for myself not him. I cry because I'm upset that 'that' girl had to put up with it, that the past me was so hurt and humiliated, that the woman I was felt so depressed, anxious and disregarded. I cry for her and comfort her and wish she knew that she would be ok, stronger and at a better stage in life.
Do I want to re-marry? Absolutely. Recently a brother approached me for marriage. I was honest and told him I was divorce after a short marriage and it ended due to personality clash and wanting different things. We were simply not compatible. He was very sorry for me but said it did not change how he felt towards me.
I've learned that people will take you as you put yourself forward. I have nothing to be ashamed off, I'm not dad and I know I'll be a great wife and companion to a man. Why should I appear apologetic, or sad, weak or confused. No, stand up for who you are, protect your heart and future and if a man is good enough for you he won't let you get away. If he leaves you're better off. I refuse to go into any details nor speak I'll of my ex. That chapter is over and I've left it in the past. I won't have someone digging it out of it's grave.
Do I hate my ex? No. I hate what he chose to do, I don't like him. But I don't think he's an evil person. I think he's just different to what I want. And I think I'm not compatible with him.
Have I forgiven him? It's a work in progress. With time I am sure I will. I certainly wish him no harm and pray for his well being and success in life. It's just I don't want to know of him at all. And this comes from a woman who was besotted and in love with him. Today I just don't want to know at all.
Give it time, be positive about your future and don't restrict yourself. Rizq and happiness comes from Allah swt not a man. Don't limit the possibilities that are now open to you. Don't think only one man has the ability to make you happy- when he has already shown he does not. Don't place your hopes and dreams with someone who has left you. Open your eyes. There are better man out there, I know that now. You'll look back and think ' what did I ever see in him?'. Initially I found it strange to even think another man could take up the position of a husband to me. Now I realise my ex never took up that position in the first place. I wanted him to but he wouldn't despite what he promised. There are such a calibre of men who are so up on him. Who wouldn't dream of behaving like him. Who when they speak speak in a caring tone. Who look after their parents and sisters, have better jobs, good friends and a good deen. There are men who look way better than him. There are men who are more successful, more charming, clever and upright than him. NOW I know! Ha! I'm not missing out and letting myself wallow in his ghost. He's gone by his own accord- good riddance Allhamdulillah.
Sisyer what an amazing amazing response i love it! InshaAllah i hope to be as strong as you !!!! I actually feel hopeful reading urs and everybody else's stories. What's really missing from my life at the moment is emaan - it's an all time low and that's making things difficult. This is what I need to work on and inshaAllah it will all be ok.
May Allah guide you and carry you through... Allah hears us all.. Always knock at his door and he will reply. Don't loose faith in your emaan, even if you have a little bit of it, it will grow everyday if you remember our creator. Once you pour your soul to him day by day the burden lessens... I am you... My heart broke when my husband left however the only thing that kept me sane was Allah and my parents. Just call out his name even if you don't know much yourself and watch how in time I promise you and all the women and men out there who have gone through pain, this is a true testimote, YOU WILL BE OK. Allah has made us not to break but to belong to our minds and body and that to whom is returned to our creator upon our ending journey. Allah knows best. LET THE PAIN GO, YOU HAVE NO OTHER OPTION. Leave it to Allah (swt)
Salam sister Jzk for your advice. Allah def heals all wounds, and with time im sure thigs will be less painful. After all our husbands were mere humans, I can't believe how much attention and importance i gave to my husband, if i had spent that much time and energy focussing on Allah I probably would have recovered much quicker and been rewarded for it as well. Turn to Allah and let Him guide you thats the key to everything.
Assalaamualaikum All, Need help please pray for me I feel devastated Again old memories are not letting me focus on present. Is remarriage the only solution to forget ex spouse? I know its not and also my situation does not allow for remarriage. I feel like a machine
I'm so sorry your feeling this way sister. It is very difficult and im not sure what advice to give you as i am currently facing hardship as well. But try to rely on Allah, talk to Him and let Him give you comfort and guidance.
Assalaamualaikum Sister Bucks,
I hope you are doing well. How is life now?
Allah Hafiz
Assalamwalekum
Sister I'm sorry, your question needs more than a quick response, and you will have to wait for your post to be published Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother Wael. Thankyou i totally understand but if you could move it up the queue, atleast ahead of my other two questions, and i could have the advice in a months i would be really grateful. (Or you could mail a reply to me if its possible) (Since i have asked for atleast a month to make up my mind). I will understand if its not possible. In the meantime ill contine doing ishtikhara and hopefully Allah will find a way for me.
You can edit your pending post so that it includes this question as well.
Thankyou. I shall do that. Just a quick question though. How do i get to my pending post. I cant seem to find it.
Log in with the username and password you used when you registered, then click on "Posts" on the left side.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor