She says she loves another man, but comforts my sorrow
Asalamualakum my dear brothers and sisters,
I hope you are all doing well. Please read it all.
My question is what I should do with my marriage. A few days after I got married my wife said this to me, "You are my biggest sadness because you took my biggest happiness". When I asked what this happiness was, she said it's another boy. I don't really know what to do with this situation, because I did love her with all my heart before but only someone who is insane can love a woman who loves another man.
I treat her very well, I'm always kind to her, and because of this everyone in her family cares a lot about me. This thing that she said made me go into severe depression. She was mean to me even when we were first engaged. Some people tell me to forgive her, but that's easier said than done. Others say to beat her, but I can't do that because I believe hurting people is wrong.
I got engaged to her when I was 18, now I'm 22. I keep trying to make her happy, but I feel like she continuously tries to make me depressed. The one thing that really broke my heart was after the marriage my mother-in-law wouldn't let me sleep with my wife because of the chance of pregnancy, and that would have ruined the sponsorship. My dear mother-in-law's reason is understandable, but what hurt me is after my wife said that thing to me I got upset and asked her if she would have slept with the other man if she had married him and her mom said she couldn't...and she said "yes, even if my mom said no I would have". Only Allah ta'allah knows how depressed this made me.
Something about her confuses me though. She says all this bad stuff but the moment I showed my depression -like how what she said made me angry and made me cry- when she saw this she hugged me and said she loved me. I don't understand what is going through her head. Please give me some advice. What does the prophet s.a.w. say about this type of thing?
Anyways, jazakallah for your time and help.
-muhammad711
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Assalam alaikum Brother,
I suggest that you ask your wife point-blank if she wants to continue in this marriage or not.
If she says yes, then tell her exactly what your expectations are of a wife and that you will not settle for 2nd place. Tell her that you expect for the both of you to work towards building a good and solid relationship together and that you will not compromise on this matter.
If she says no, I do not see the point in prolonging a marriage that has just started in which one partner has no respect and little regard for the other. Allah knows best. It is also very disturbing to hear her mother's interference in your intimate relationship which is frankly, none of her business. Sponsorship or not, this matter could and can be handled completely between husband and wife.
I pray that whatever circumstances stem from this situation that you fulfill your obligations and overlook her inappropriate behaviour because we are eventually going to be judged on our treatment of others, not on how we were treated by others. May Allah give you patience and grant you what is best for you, inn shaa Allah. Ameen. I also hope that you pray Isthikhara to gain guidance during this difficult time.
jazakallah for the information and help
I'll try your suggestions and see what happens
Assalaamualaikam
MashaAllah, excellent advice, sister.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
OP: The one thing that really broke my heart was after the marriage my mother-in-law wouldn't let me sleep with my wife because of the chance of pregnancy, and that would have ruined the sponsorship.
What is this sponsorsip business?
It's immigration, you sponsor the person so they can come to live where you live and if it's your wife and she gets pregnant you'll have to do 2 sponsorships
Exactly.
Salam brother,
Sorry to hear about your problem. Have you not spoken to your wife before marriage or engagement as it looks like she was forced to marry you? If you had spoken to her maybe you would have relized that she is not happy marrying you and maybe you would not be in this mess.
Is she sponsoring you to go to Uk/USA as a spouse or are you? Either way she should not be horrible to you, because its not your fault that she got forced or lost her ex lover. The fact that she shows some sympathy towards me makes me think that its not you that she's angry at but her Mother! Her family put her in this situation which she is not happy with, and she is taking her anger out on you.
This is usually the case with forced marriages, the husband or wife takes his or her anger out on the one she or he was forced to marry. It is really unfair for you to be at the recieving end of all this. Thats why it is best for people to get to know each other as much as they can before marriage, in a halal way of course so that there is no misunderstand and that they both are happy with each other. You sound like a very kind and patient person. Please do not beat your wife or retaliate, this will not acheive anything.
I agree with sister Saba, that you ask her out right what she wants. Either she forgets the past and accepts you as her husband emotionally and phisically or else its best for you to part ways.
Inshallah everything works out.
I'm sponsoring her to come to Canada and yes I asked her a while ago and she said she just taking her bad feelings out on me but both her and her parents deny it being a forced marriage though I sometimes get the feeling they're lying about this. I won't hit her, I believe there are better ways of solving problems than hitting.
I will talk to her as soon as possible and jazakallah for the help and information
Just to share some information:
If you a Canadian Citizen (and I assume you are in order to sponsor her), then your child would get Canadian Citizenship even if they were born abroad and the mother's case about the pregnancy interfering with sponsorship doesn't make sense--In fact, I would suggest that you handle your affairs with due diligence as I am not sure what their motive is.
Salam,
I was thinking the same thing too sister. It just all seems fishy. Daughter is not happy in the marriage, and mother in law does not want her to get pregnant. Even if she was worried about that you can use contraceptives.
Did they just get their daughter married for citizenship?
So you must investigate this family brother and then tell them exactly what you expect from this marriage and that you will no longer tolerate this behaviour from the family.
really? I never knew that...I was told by them that if we had a child we'd have to do 2 separate sponsorships and it would end up in a situation where my wife would come to canada and the child wouldn't come till its sponsorship was done.
Alright, jazakallah for your advice and help, it helps a lot
I would investigate this further and make sure you call immigration at different times. Some agents are more knowledgeable than others.
See the following link:
http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/helpcentre/answer.asp?q=365&t=5
Based on your particular personal details the process/procedure may vary.
Yes being pregnant doesnt affect sponsorship , these people are cooking up something. Decide whether you will be happy with her in the long run or do you foresee continuous drama and stress? Im in Canada and we see so many people marry for visa come here get a divorce and then sponsor their boyfriends or girlfriends.I hope to God you are not in one of this mess. You still have time decide whether you see a future with her or not. You seem like a nice person and YOU DESERVE BETTER. no mother in law or wife can deny you your marital rights. I faced similar situation and i regret not getting out of it sooner. Dont make the same mistake i did and leave this marriage if you are not happy.
Unfortunately if I leave her I will be disowned because of the amount of money my parents spent on this and that they say divorce is the most shameless thing ever...
ALSO my parents say I should give her a chance and wait till she comes to Canada cause she'll change then...
Do you want to risk ruining your life. I ruined mine waiting for him to change. I sponsored him and when he came here he got worse. If i were you i would try talking to your parents and convincing then. There are worse things than divorce and being in Canada people dont care much if you are divorced esp you are a guy. There is very little chance she will change and a big chance things will get worse. Its very hard for a person to change their personality and character. I just hope you dont end up wasting years of your life waitingfor the change that might never happen. Normally i wud have given a different answer but after going through hell i would suggest get away from this relationship.
wa'alaikumusalaam.. bro b patient and get more close to Allah (saw). with in few months or in a year u 'll hav no love for her and she will start loving u., dat i hav seen in my life also experienced... I don't think she will get better person than u and u'll get far more better wife than her.. I know its very tough time for u.. try not to b alone, dat make worries more worse.. may Allah (saw) give u patience and courage 2 face the situvation..
yes insha allaha i will try.
jazakallah for the help and the information.
Aziz India: in a year u 'll hav no love for her and she will start loving u.
Not every couple is going to be like you and your wife.
How is this better "u 'll hav no love for her"?
OP:l like she continuously tries to make me depressed. The one thing that really broke my heart was after the marriage my mother-in-law wouldn't let me sleep with my wife because of the chance of pregnancy, and that would have ruined the sponsorship. My dear mother-in-law's reason is understandable, but what hurt me is after my wife said that thing to me I got upset and asked her if she would have slept with the other man if she had married him and her mom said she couldn't...and she said "yes, even if my mom said no I would have".
That is a red flag. I hope you did your "honeymoon".
honey moon? you mean the night husband and wife spend together? if you mean that, no her mother kept us in separate rooms
How this engagment and marriage has happened ? Did you know the family before?
It looks very suspicious and I would be careful if I was you. They just want to get her daughter papers by and then they will get rid of you.
The daughter's mom is my mom's sister so i've known them for a while and it was arranged marriage
Humaria and Saba are correct. And in fact if you were to apply for her while she was pregnant it would make your case stronger with immigration when you file for her. I would definitely run the other way. She married you so that she could come to canada. Too many red flags with your in laws
well that's depressing...
Red flags and beyond buddy .
May Allah Aza Wa Jal give you the best in dunya and Aakhira. And put love and mercy between all your hearts. Your mother in law, your wife, your mom and you. Talk to Allah First brother before writing on any forum, texting your friends advice or anything.. Allah Aza Wa Jl gives us problems to direct us to Him, guide us to Him, and so that we depend ONlY on Him and when we call on Him He loves it and sometimes delays the response b/c He knows that as soon we get what we want well forget Allah Aza Wa Jal.. may Allah Aza Wa Jal make you and your family smile after this trying period. But turn ONlY to Allah Aza Wa Jal and be the best to His creation and seek a lot of istighfar. B/c tests and trials come b/c of our sins or from Allahs immense wisdom to help us be closer to Him. So talk to Allah first and smile to every one!
May Allah Aza Wa Jal be forever with you. Allahumma Aameen!
Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous. (Surah Al-Furqan (74))
"O Allah! Put affection amongst our hearts, reform our matters within us, guide us to the path of peace, save us from the darkness towards the light, save us from all kinds of obscenity; the apparent as well as the hidden; bless our hearing, our sight, our hearts, our spouses and our children, turn in mercy towards us. Indeed You are the One who greatly accepts repentance, most Merciful. Make us the ones most grateful for Your bounties so we may compete with one another in Praising You for these (bounties) and complete these (bounties) for us."
(Al Mustadrak Sahihain) Saheeh.
Brother Muhammad71,
How long does your wife have to wait to become a permanant citizen in Canada? Like in uk its now changed to 5 YEARS! So if a person married their spouse for citizenship only, their stuck for 5 years! So they will be thinking twice.
You only have two choices;
If she is still behaving badly when you go back to Canada then do not sponsor her and part ways, tell your parents that she is not fullfilling your rights and you can't live with a wife like this.
Either stick with her and pray that Allah changes her heart and she accepts you and forgets about her ex boyfriend and that just maybe she might change after coming to Canada. If she does not accept you and leaves you after citizenship, then at least your parents won't be angry at you be because she left you! And you can get married to another girl of your choice who will give you the love you deserve.
At least society will not look down upon you as you are a man. So divorce will not be a big deal for you.
Sumaira sis the law is that if you divorce within 2 years of being sponsored you have to go back. And if you divorce after 2 years you still cannot sponsor someone for 5 years(this applies to both sponsor and applicant). And it takes 5 years to get citizenship. After 4 years (its changed from 3 to 4 or 5 not sure) you can apply and the processing takes 1-1.5 years.However you get the permanent residency right away. But from Canada to Pak the processing time fir PR is about 2 years.
We are making a lot of assumptions about his wife wanting to sponsor someone--and they may be true considering her age (I am assuming she is younger than the op, who is 22). I've seen some pretty strange cases with immigration and some very successful cases--in this particular situation though, the red flags are the interference of the MIL, the fear of pregnancy, and the ridiculous behaviour of the wife.
Brother Muhammad711,
I sense you are under immense pressure from your parents and that you want to do the right thing while making everyone happy. This may sound harsh, but if you fulfill your obligations to each of your relations (parents, wife, family etc.), then whether they are happy or not isn't something in your control. We can't force people's happiness. So strive for your own happiness by ensuring this marriage is for the right reason and not for worldly reasons like money and immigration.
she's 23, so a year older than me. The problem is society won't look down on me BUT my family will see me as the one who did the wrong even though both my parents know all the things she's done to me (I told them a couple weeks ago). Even though they know they still say I'm not allowed to leave her because of the money they spent on her (even though I said to them not to make a huge wedding) and because they say their honor will be destroyed if I divorce...
I get the feeling she's planned this from the beginning because even then she would say things to me like "call me your friend, not your wife. I'm your friend not your wife" or things like "you're not my dream" and these things would make me depressed but I couldn't do anything about it...
I honestly feel like I'm stuck...
When I talked to my uncle about this he said, "She's just imagining things, it's the way young women are, just ignore it"
and again jazakallah everyone for the advice and help
It really saddens me to read about the pressure you are facing from your family.
From the sounds of it, you are simply delaying the pain.
No, young women are NOT like the way you are describing (or how your uncle described) and no, you shouldn't ignore it.
Your family's opinion is biased and it is difficult to go by their judgement because of their "investment" in this marriage emotionally and financially.
People will continue to push you around as they please as long as you allow it.
You really need to be clear to hear about your expectations to your wife and don't settle. As for your family, you should tell them "I care and love for you and the integrity of this family matters--and it is FOR this reason that I will not allow my wife to destroy it. If she does not love and respect me after my care for her, it will be difficult to manage this marriage. Though I may ask for your opinions and consult with you, I ask that you respect my decision, whatever it may be in the end."
Do your parents know the level of interference from her mother?
Do they know that she is in love with another boy?
I don't understand how any of these matters can be dismissed because of money spent on a marriage.
Brother, stand up for yourself and your rights. Marriage is not supposed to be like this--especially not in the beginning!
23 years ok
Meen: Sumaira sis the law is that if you divorce within 2 years of being sponsored you have to go back. And if you divorce after 2 years you still cannot sponsor someone for 5 years(this applies to both sponsor and applicant). And it takes 5 years to get citizenship. After 4 years (its changed from 3 to 4 or 5 not sure) you can apply and the processing takes 1-1.5 years.
There may be exceptions to get out of this residency requirement.........I am sure if a spouse claims she is being abused physically and/or sexually and/or emotionally she/he will not be required to go back
If you are a victim of abuse or neglect, you do not have to remain in an abusive situation. It does not matter whether the conditional permanent residence measure applies to you.
Yes it doesnt apply to cases of abuse but you have to proof it and immigration will investigate. Though i dont know why we are discussing this when this is not the issue here. I was answering sister sumairas question about citizenship laws.
Buy a nice laptop and gift it to your wife. Put a software that can show you everything she does online. Make sure it is legal.
Salam brother,
Everyone above gave you good suggestions. Here is what i tell you about my self.
I am 30 + and was married to a man whom i thought was going to be the best husband. Well after three years into this relationship i end up getting divorse. Why? Because i married him and i am Canadian citizen, so i got married back home (just like in your case) and he was from my birth country, and after our marriage we did not had any intimate relationship (meaning no intercourse).
After three weeks of our marriage i came back to Canada and apply for his sponsorship. During sponsorship time, he talked with me only few times. And i fool thought that he is shy man and doesn't have much time so i gave no importance to that behaviour. Even that is a red flag in a relationship if one spouse don't talk or don't behave like a caring spouse i believe it is a RED FLAG. Any how fast forward. After one year, i visited him again because i loved him. And i asked him that i want to have a child so i want to start a family. He said "oh i don't want you to be alone when you are pregnant and i want to be with you and work so you don't have to work and other sweet stuff so wait until i come to Canada and we will try for a child." I again believed him and also i just had no choice same like in your case, my parents did so much for me and i didn't wanted to hurt them.
Well he came here, and he was a changed man. He was not what or how he was before. I didn't knew much about him before marriage as he was not from our relatives. But what i knew of him was okay for me because he was very namazi and religious and i looked that attributes in a husband. Fool me..... In a month i knew he is here for only PR card and nothing else. I heard his conversation to his relatives and he was planning to divorce me after getting his PR and spending three years with me just so i can support him and he wanted to study for those three years get his degree ( which before marriage he told me he holds masters from Germany). He never wanted a child he told his relative " i don't want to have puppies (dog ) to take care of" Oh Allah that hurts me so much even now when i am typing this my tears are coming ....it hurts a lot that my husband is telling his relatives that he doesn't want children and on my face he told me different stuff.
He was a liar a cheater and all the bad things i can say about him. Once i realized his intentions i knew i had to take a step. Also, i came to find out he was gay and had relationship with other man. Only Allah knows if that is true because i did heard his conversation with this man.
Allah helped me a lot during that hard time. I prayed and i asked for guidance and surely Allah guided me. I took him back home got divorce and came back. I am thankful to everyone who helped me through this hard time. It wasn't easy to get a divorce from him. It hurts and my parents were hurt, but they saw me suffering and they knew that i am not going to handle this man for any longer.
So my advice, please make up your mind. Don't delay further as to she will be fine when she is here becasue this is what people used to tell me. That ones you start living together you will become closer and will understand each other more. Yes, i understood him better when i started living with him, but i should have understood his behaviour even when i wasn't with him.
You Mother in law, and your wife do know what their intentions are. They might be just for PR and after that will put blame on you that you are not a good husband or you might be impotent who knows what they will say.
So brother ask Allah for guidance and do not get into this sponsorship until you yourself knows that she will be good wife.
As sister above mention, that ones she is here she can say that you are abusive and demanding sex and blah blah and can get out of the relationship. Becasue my ex husband was planning for all that and told his relative (one relative he would talk and that relative was mastermind) that she is very demanding and wants children and is abusive and etc. Eventhough divorse was and is consider a bad in his family and my family, but no solution was left in my case.
So all the best to you. And I pray that Allah help you in this situation. Aameen.
I once again want to talk on the same subject . You are in Canada , and as far as my knowledge is concerned, Canada has very good psychologists . I am a medical student and would like to advise you on any decision or before working once there make sure to consult a good psychiatrist and get it inspected. Get inspected once or advice . Keep in mind that a doctor takes an oath to tell the truth . . . Indeed Allah is the best protector
[Editor's note: Talha, I have attempted to translate your comment - all posts and comments are published in English. I apologise if I have made any errors. In future, please write in English if possible - the editing team aren't professional translators. Midnightmoon, IslamicAnswers.com editor.]
Why would I need a psychologist?
Psychologist and Psychiatrist are different thing this brother don't need neither of them.
Sallam alaykum akhi,
Okay brother has some something changed (into the better) ?
unfortunately no brother
I'm just waiting because I can't do anything now except pray to allah ta allah to help me
InshaAllah
Brother be patient because Allah suphannahu wa ta'ala is testing the muslims so we will get a higher status in the hereafter and Allah wants the best for us.
I will make dua for you and all our muslim brothers and sisters inshaAllah
wao! Brother you are 22 years old right? what is her age? if she is younger than you then what my thinking says is may be she is still immatured that she couldn't keep her past mistake and she told you about the guy she loved. Now why she comforted you ,If I would have been at her place I would comfort to the man I care about even in the moment of anger. She does have feelings for you. Why being so negative about her and her family?
May be her Mother would be afraid that you may deceive her daughter? wouldn't send the sponsorship? then her daughter have to live with the child too. And they just can't say it straightly to you that incase you mind. People who marry their daughter to a man who lives far they do have alot of things in their mind.
Try to understand the nature of you wife.. If she has told you about the mistake she has done then atleast she told you a truth. oh Yes about family , Here in Pakistan No family would like to tell a man that their daughter had affair with someone else before marriage.
I am not good at advising but what I believe is you seem to be a nice man and you can change this girl and get all her love But only incase she is the right girl who deserves your love. 🙂 My prayers are with you. Do remember me in your prayers. and last please forgive her for her past mistake but if it hurts you whenevr she talks about him or complaining say her straightly next time she shouldn't say things which hurt you. Don't be weak you are a man. Its so kind of you that you accept her with her past mistake so she shouldn't torture you by complaining and blaming you.
Thanks.!!!!
she's 23, so she's older than me. She's also my cousin like her mom is my mom's sister so they know i would never deceive them. If it was a past mistake I would be okay with it but she doesn't love me and she loves the man right now. It's something that's happening right now not something of the past.
I keep all of you in my prayers and insha allah, allah ta'allah helps me with my situation.
Then you must know your cousin and her family well. Don't you? If she still love him then should talk to her parents and make things clear rather than blaming you. I believe on what your uncle said , that she is just imaginating. May be she really is to get your attention.
This is really confusing situation,
May Allah help you to get out of this depressing situation.
I believe if she doesn't have sex wih you, you can nullify the marriage as it is unconsummated. I don't understand why you haven't done this already. Your parents need to understand this is not a marriage. You also need to see how much of her dowry she is supposed to give back to you.
My parents won't let me, they keep telling me to give her chances but I've been giving her chances for years...and I never knew that, jazakallah for the information
Salam Brother,
Have you read my reply? Any progress in your situation? Agree with Anonymous. This marriage is nullified which is exactly what imam told us when we went for divorce. As the marriage was never consummated.
I pray that Allah SWT help you in this situation and guide you to the right path. Aameen.
salaam sister
yes I have read your reply and jazakallah for the advice and the prayer
unfortunately I haven't made much progress because my parents won't change their position no matter what I say...
their position is that i should wait till she comes here then make my decision...
I pray the allah ta'allah helps all of us with any problems with may have
Salam brother,
InshaAllah Allah is most merciful and May Allah SWT help you and protect you from any harm Aameen. If this is what your parents are asking you is to wait until she is here, then wait and while waiting please pray your daily prayers and ask Allah SWT for guidance. And ask for what is best for you in this duniya and akhira. May Allah help us all Aameen.
As'salamu Alaikum,
do you want this sister to love you than know that ONLY Allah Al Wadood (The All Loving) pour love and mercy in her heart and whoever is against your marriage to her be it the sister herself and she cant let go of her past relationship or the family that's trying to separate you two...
So Ask Allah to remove the love of the previous man and love you the way you want her to. And bless you with her love and bless her with your love.
May Allah Aza Wa Jal forever be with you and your family.
Recite this dua brother:
RABBANA HAB LANA MIN AZWAJINA WA ZURRIYATINA QURRATA AYYUNIN WA JAL'alna LIL MUTAQEENA IMAMA.
Baraka'Allahu feek wa Ahlik wa Malik.
Jazaka'Allahu khairan.
Salam My dear Brother .... !
I'm also agreed with your parents's advice. let her come over to Canada then make any final decision.
you are a boy you shouldn't be worry like that i know there is a problem though very serious problem with you but let her come and live with you i hope she'll understand you with the passage of time, you should try to be nice with her instead.
try to calm her with your love and affection she is a woman and i also suggest you to hire one of trusted family member who is closed to her tell him/her what is going on between you two and ask to help you by telling her about your good and testimony your character though through some lies, in my opinion.
Believe me or not women are very sensitive about their ears they believe on hearing more than what they observe or see. They always consult with someone before doing anything so try to find someone closer to her who fill her ears with your good deeds.
Its my opinion as ima psychologist i'm not being personal with anybody here specially girls.
sorry for all for my bad English
salaam brother
yes I'm just going to wait because I have no other choice and we've known each other for a very long time and her family and everyone else says good things about me to everyone.
it's okay, jazakallah for the advice