She wants to marry me but I dont know what to do?
As salam aliekum
Q1: I am a muslim male of 31 years age. I have been in courtship with a good muslim girl since 5 years.
I am ashamed of myself that I indulged her in few sins, Alhamdulillah not sex. We didn't lose our virginity. Though she never agreed I forced her always. Our intentions were always clean and we really wanted to marry each other. Though not married we looked each other as husband and wife living in different cities away from each other.
I am a Quraish (who are usually regarded as "QASAAB" (butchers)) in our community. Last year when her parents started thinking of her marriage she told me and I sent her a proposal. They agreed, despite odds. I sent my parents to her house. But later again things went wrong there and they denied giving me to her only on grounds that I belong to qasaab community.
They want her to get married in their community. Although its ages since our family has stopped the business. The girl is fighting with her family each day and tells it is enough for her that I am a Muslim. She loves me deeply and even I do. But she tells me that it is the sins that she committed with me over phone which make her cling over to me than her love for me. She tells her conscience is killing her from within and she tells that she finds no difference between her and a prostitute. But we never had an intercourse in reality. She cries a lot.
My parents are now pressing me to get married elsewhere. I asked her to stop contacting me but she won't listen. I did that in so many ways, with love, with rebuke, and finally by insulting her. But still she wants to get married to me only. I have given up all hopes of our marriage but she tells that her faith in Allah tells that we will get married. I had promised and committed her that I would not keep her in my native place but we are going to stay abroad for few years after marriage.
Even I asked her to be a housewife after marriage despite she being double post graduate and she had agreed. Fed-up of her madness now I agreed to marry her but told that she should stay with me at my native place, with me, with my family in one house as I have many responsibilities being the eldest son of the family but she doesn't agree.
On one hand she tells her sins are killing her from within and she can't live without me and on the other she says its better I remain unmarried for life and die with my sins than marrying you and staying at your place.
I don't understand what to do. I think for me my parents are more important than her. She prayed a lot for our marriage. But I told her- Allah didn't answer your prayers just because of your bad intention of separating me from my parents. She tells my parents are not a problem for her. They can stay with us but not at our native place. She tells this place is not a good place, and she wants to give a lavish life and upbringing to our children somewhere in Saudi. But I feel lavish life and good upbringing can be given anywhere.
Although I feel she is a good girl who can keep me happy, yet I am confused. Now her madness for marrying me is creating hatred in my heart for her.
Please advice me. I don't know what to do. Should I marry her and stay away from my parents? Is she really regretful of her sins? Or she wants to marry me only for her wish fulfilment and the promises which I had made to her? Please help.
Jazakallah
Q2. WHO WOULD HELL FIRE AFFLICT THE MOST?
As salam aliekum!
I think many muslims like me repent for having had affairs before their marriage. I know its a sin to keep affairs, yet we become shaitan's prey many times. And repentance comes much later.
My question is, will all those who have had affairs before marriage burn in the hell fire? At times I feel my aaqirat is going to be worst. My belief is that Allah will ease those in the aaqirah who have stood Allah's tests in this life. I am scared. Alhamdulillah Allah has given me everything. I am at ease in this world, I fear for my life after because of my sins and because of the life of ease which I am enjoying here.
Please counsel....
- ashshu
53 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Salam Ashshu,
First of all I love that you love your parents so much and fear for them. My problem with your post is that you love a girl. You forced her to do sins. Which it her fault as much as it is yours. You can't make a girl fall in love with you then when you are bored you try and let her go. You made her love you. That's not fair, your hurting her. I personally don't think she regrets her sins because I think shes overreacting about saying "she tells her sins are killing her from within and she can't live without me and on the other she says its better I remain unmarried for life and die with my sins than marrying you and staying at your place". For a women to say that she doesn't want to live at your native place is, that doesn't mean shes taking you from your parents..I will never want my husband away from his parents but for me to live with his parents I can't do that ( I tryed but is didn't really work out). When a women sticks up for herself you men say "shes taking me always from my family" No all us women just want to be happy with our HUSBANDS not any one else. I feel like she loves you. You already committed sins with her, I suggest you to talk about what you guys want to do as adults. If she loves you, she loves your parents trust me. She sounds like a good girl but shes hurt,don't hurt her more.. Good Luck brother
I am 100% sure she loves you alot cause I am girl my self I know exactly what she means when she says she is very upset about her sins etc she wants to die it is because she is hurt she wants your support & love & she wants assurance that you would give her that things will be okay you will stand by her you should marry her good luck brother
Wow your story is so similar to mine. I am still suffering from the consequences of my actions. I was involved with a guy too, families were involved, but I slowly became resentful towards him because of the sins he had slowly started easing me into, despite my requests and threats asking him to stop, until I finally became so used to it that it started feeling normal, and I actually fell in love with him. He however, in the end decided he couldn't keep me happy despite all his promises, and dumped me. I cried and cried (which he became immune to), he swore at me, insulted me, felt pity for me, and eventually lost all value for me because he thought I was needy, but the truth was that I had developed strong feelings for him and had mentally prepared myself to marry him, and also in keeping with his promises I had expected him to become my husband and protect my honour, which he had taken away from me. Again, we did not lose our virginity, but I definelty understand how the girl in your story feels - you forced her to indulge in something which was wrong, and she was not comfortable with, but she eventually gave in and trusted you. I understand now how easy it is to fall prey to shaitaan, as far as I am concerned whether you lose your virginity or not, any kind of immoral act with a non mahram man prior to marriage is disgraceful, and I am regretting every second of it, and I am sure she is too.
However, now that it suits you, you are leaving her feeling used, despite the fact that she is fighting to be with you. If she did not love you, as hard as it would be, she would try to forget the past, and leave you, but it is the fact that she is sincere that she is returning to you.
Everything that happened destroyed me, he did not have a care in the world and simply walked away from the situation leaving me distraught and suicidal, he led me down a horrible path and then left me stranded, stripping me of my honour and dignity.
Speaking from experience, what your doing now is harsh and unfair. If you truly love her, there is no way you could even consider leaving her, regardless of the situation. You would fight for her, wait for her and eventually inshaAllah gain her as your wife. You have both sinned together, but in this scenario you should take responsibility for your actions because you forced her. I understand that you love your parents, but they don't know what has happened between you two, if you say that she will keep you happy, and that you love then why are you giving her such a hard time, why are you making her cry and feel bad???
From your story it seems you have really hurt her, you have gone from loving her to completely removing her from your life. That is cruel, and I have had first hand experience of it, it really hurts. If you truly love her, marry her, give her support and reassure her, take her feelings into consideration. Just because you are able to walk away and start a new life, it doesn't mean she will be able to do the same.
Goodluck with whatever you decide to do, hope it works out for the best for both of you.
@Confusedpuzzled
Angel, Please read my response to this post, down the line.
I sincerely pray to God, to heal your wounds. I sincerely pray to God, to bless you with pure, immense and unconditional love in your life asap. The man who betrayed you, doesn't deserve you, honestly. YOu will be a happy woman, with a loving husband and have lovely angel like kids. I assure you, you will think of me, the day my wishes for you will come true.
Read my response to this post, and read 'confusedpuzzled' everywhere I have said lovely woman. I am sure, will help your understand God's ways in a better light. Good people, may be tested time and again by God, only to be blessed by the best eventually. Stick to what is right, and God will embrace you. The wicked ones, people who're opportunist, are people who seek instant pleasure and who never have a vision for life. They're not worthy of, forget our affection, but even God's attention.
So forget about the loser who betrayed you, instead feel happy, that your ordeal's now come to an end.
GOD BLESS YOU.
Much Affection..
Weltschmerz
Thank you Weltschmerz 🙂 And ameen to your prayers. I really hope my wish comes true and I do meet a loving man, who will help me forget the horrible man who used me for his own pleasure.
It just makes it really difficult when I see him so happy though...he has already found someone new and is treating her exactly as he treated me. And he treats me like a nobody, as if i never was a part of his life. That breaks me. I just find it a bit unfair that he is happy, and i am still not and still alone.
sorry i meant he is treating her like he initially treated me, with love and affection.
Dearest confusedpuzzled,
"It just makes it really difficult when I see him so happy though...he has already found someone new and is treating her exactly as he treated me. And he treats me like a nobody, as if i never was a part of his life. That breaks me. I just find it a bit unfair that he is happy, and i am still not and still alone."
On this, I'll tell you something, I have experienced in life.
The man I was with, met me when he was nursing a broken heart! He was seeing a Shia Muslim, for barely few months. The way he told me about it, it seemed to me, he was genuine in his affection for her. He sent his mother to the girl's house with the proposal, and she went, but things eventually didn't work out for obvious reasons. In fact, the girl's mother, told this guy's mother, that the girl's father almost had a heart attack, when he got to know about his daughter's association with this guy, a sunni.
Now, on the other hand, even this guy's (step) father resented this association. He was never in for it from the very beginning. Things were falling apart, but the girl was not willing to give up. The guy didn't know how to handle the situation, but once he was told by his (step) father, that "After all, he was not his real son, and would never be..." that the guy, without caring one bit, cut off all his ties with this girl, who cried and begged and pined for him! But he just didn't care about it, got engaged to a girl his family selected for him, changed his number and just forgot everything!!! (Then he was in the UK, and this girl was in Pakistan!) The girl did everything to contact him but he never responded to her attempts. The girl cried and wailed, but to no avail.
For the girl, who only knew this guy got engaged, has found a lovely lass and is now happy and sorted out in life, it was devastating. I am sure, she like you would have suffered, and wondered, why is being God unfair to her? But you know what, that was so not true!!! Because, the guy's engagement with the family friend's daughter didn't last beyond a couple of months!!!! You know what happened, this guy's work visa was about to expire, so one day while talking normally, he told her, that perhaps, he will return to Pak and they will settle down in Pak. And you know what the girl went berserk, and went complained about it to her parents, who went equally mad!!! They called up the guy, and told him in his face, either you ensure your stay in the UK or forget about our girl!!! YOu know what, the guy chose the latter, of course, his VIsa later got extended and all, but he chose to leave the girl he was engaged to and called off the arrangement completely.
When we met, you know, he was sobbed about the girl, he had left!!! All of this was within a span of a couple of months!!! I tried to help him, and advised him to get in touch with the girl. He said, he can't because, the relationship had no future, since his family would never accept her! I said, in that case, at least, speak to her once, and explain things to her, the way it pacifies her, and eases her pain. That, it is not that he was never genuine in his affection for her, but it was just that he was not in a situation to upset his parents, and he didn't want to hurt her sentiments as well. See, this situation was different, since everybody he had associated with was only for a few months!!! But he never did that, he just didn't care and moved on in life.
Now comes the real story. With time, we got to know each other better, and we got along really well. The day he realised, his affection for me, he went and disclosed it to his family. The moment i realised my affection for him, I announced about him to my family. Of course problems were there with our extremely different backgrounds (including our religion and nationality) but we wanted to make things work for us, without hurting anybody, and with everybody on board. In my case, his family adored me completely. Not only his immediate family, but even his extended family everyone including his aunts, uncles, and his cousins! But you know what, it was never as PERFECT, as it seemed to the world outside. What happened was, his visa got expired and he had to leave. In the 5 years we were together, for more than 4.5 years he was in Pakistan. It was long distance, all along. To the world, we were more than a blessed couple, waiting to be united! In our hearts, we knew how we longed and pined for each other. Every single day, was an ordeal. Every single day, we cried. Every single day, we suffered.
You know everytime, it happened, I thought of the shia girl, this man had hurt and abandoned. I once even asked him to give me his mail ID, I told him, that I want to speak to her, because, I wanted to beg her forgiveness. Somehow, I always associated our suffering with the hurt this man had caused to that innocent girl. But, he never gave me any. Days went by, months went by, years went by, but things never improved, things only went downhill.
Look at the things in order:
1. This guy;s engagement with the girl his family chose for him was called off. Reason: They wanted him for his money, for his status, there was no affection or respect involved. First slap in his face. He didn't care for the affection he got, God sent him someone who never cared for his affection!!!
2. The man was expelled from the country of his dreams, where he earned really well. His family completely hated this and once he even heard his mother on the phone (without her knowledge) that she completely despised this loser, for returning! God stripped him off the only possession, that made his people WANT him.
3. His health deteriorated. He couldn't even eat! In fact, it was during this phase, that WE met and I cared for him, like a baby. I met this man, when he had VIRTUALLY NOTHING on him. But I loved him, and helped him limp back to life, when even his family abandoned him!!!
4. He returned to his native country, much to his family's dismay. No one really welcomed him, his sister who lived on his money, didn't even speak to him. His mother didn't even care for him.
5. Worst, for almost 2 years, he didn't get a single job. At almost 32 (and with two international Masters degree), this man had to INTERN at a local bank, and for no penny!!! Sometimes, he didn't even have basic money to keep in touch with me!
6. When finally he got a job, he had to work night shifts. His health deteriorated further. Nobody in the family, even cared for his food or health. All they were concerned with the money, he earned after a rigorous night shifts!
7. All this while, I was the only one, who comforted him, helped him get a direction in life. His problem, he didn't have ability to do the RIGHT, although he could differentiate between right and wrong.
8. The tables were turned now, for the guy who once left a girl, was now pining for me everyone moment of his life. Meanwhile, his GOOD for nothing younger brother got married. Can you even imagine, the pain he must have gone through, while keeping a smile intact on his face? While he toiled and worked hard, his jobless younger brother, had two daughters in 2 years of his marriage!!! Can you imagine, the pain???
9. I, have myself, suffered along him. And I so badly wanted to somehow get in touch with the girl he had hurt! Eventually, our frustrations went beyond a limit. He could not focus on just about anything, not me, not us, not his family, not his work, not his ambitions, nothing!!!
10. He completely felt like a loser! He literally cried in front of me, every single day. I have seen him PINE for me. I have seen him fight for me. There was a point in time, where for almost a couple of years, he stopped speaking to his family. His mother, in fact, even slapped him once (can you imagine, a mother slapping a 34 year old, who does everything to make his family happy?) You know, I sincerely prayed for him, but nothing got him any relief. He was a very ambitious person, he wanted to be a "SOMEBODY" in life, and at 34, he felt he was a complete NOBODY!!! He even stopped meeting friends and family. Everything in his life, came to a standstill! The only hope, he had in life was ME! Because, I am in a profession, where eventually I have the scope of becoming a SOMEBODY!
11. But you know what, eventually, God even took away that HOPE from him! No, I didn't leave him, I still care for him, I still don't hate him, in fact, now I just pity him, I just feel bad for him! For God gave both him and his parents, amples opportunities, to rectify their mistakes, but they never did and instead kept repeating their mistakes, again and again and again. They still do not relate their misfortune with the hurt they have caused to others!
12. Today, he's a married man, he married behind my back :). But you know what, before things ended forever, there were few things, he told me, over a period in our last year together.
He said, and this very seriously,
1. That in our association, he's realised, he was too lowly when compared to me. That my goodness, my morals and my ethics are too great and way beyond his capacity.
2. That, even though, I am a non muslim, I was a BETTER MUSLIM than him.
3. That he could see, I was ALLAH's favourite child. That God tests good people more than the evil ones.
4. He said, that my goodness always covered up and compensated for, his MESS!
5. That, all your goodness is mine!
You know, in fact, although it was all very painful and I felt, deeply betrayed, I never yelled at him or cursed him. I wished him happiness and I left! In fact, my calmess after his betrayal, am sure, left a dent in his heart! That, one day, he will hate himself, without me saying a word to him. In fact, I fear the day, he will realise what he's done! I was lucky, God came to my rescue and has healed my wounds, but I worry for him. The day, he will realise what he's done, he won't be able to forgive himself.
You know, even after he got married, he tried communicating with me, professed his affection for me, but I never responded to him, because for he was a married man now. I suffered, but I did what was right! I was bed ridden, and was struggling to survive, shead tears everyday, suffered everyday, but I chose to adhere to doing what was right. I started reading a lot, about people, about their sufferings, about their tests, about God, and believe me, after one complete year of suffering, now I have begun to feel better. Now I feel God's showered me with his affection and my wounds have healed now.
Remember one thing always, PEOPLE HAVE PUSHED US BUT TOWARDS GOD!!!
Believe in our maker, he will never let you down! Nobody can betray us now, for all our trust resides in the one who will never betray us! Be happy, my girl.
Much affection,
Weltschmerz (google this word, you will love it!) 🙂
Oww... I just realised... I have made terrible grammatical errors in the post above!!! Terrible, terrible. Please bear with me, I was in hurry and couldn't go through the post to edit it! Sincerely apologies, but I hope my post helps you.
Look the point I am trying to make here is, we shouldn't always believe, what we see through our naked eyes. Sometimes, to understand things better, we need to scratch the surface.
The shia girl, I have talked about in the earlier post (although her association was brief!) was hurt and look, how WE - especially the Guy and his family suffered! But she never got to know about it, for her, perhaps, the guy was immediately married and would have had a couple of children in a couple of years!!! 🙂 Right?
And now imagine, if hurting an innocent person, no matter even for a moment can cause his decline, then can you even imagine the wrath he and his family has invited upon themselves, by hurting me, for betraying someone who stood by this man (and his family), unconditionally and selflessly, even when his own family abandoned him!!! Honestly, no, I am not waiting for that day, because that his destiny. I do not in fact have never wished bad for his wife, because she's not hurt me. In fact, if she's deliberately been a partner in this crime, then God will take care of her as well, but if she's not then I don't want to commit a grave mistake by wishing bad for an innocent person, who never caused me any harm!
This man, I do not say, never loved the women he was with, but it was just that he was weak and lacked vision!
For you, my dear girl the fact that you have loved and you were sincere, should be enough for you. Think of the good things in life, thank god for EVERYTHING, yes EVERYTHING and ask for his affection, always! Believe me, you will never feel lonely again. 🙂
Sending you strength and great affection. Be strong and Do good! And I sincerely pray, you find a very loving husband, asap!
Weltschmerz
I love your response!!! Simply love it, it has given me so much hope!!! I am starting to look on the bright side, but still annoyingly think of him and cry for him because I have flashbacks of him touching me and then panic. But there is no point!! I became incredibly ill over this man, almost killed myself, my mum lost consciouness because she cried so much to see me in such a bad state, my dad lost his smile and peace, and all because of him. I told him about my health but he didnt have a care in the world and also let his family insult me who have absolutely no idea what had gone on between us. But never mind Allah swt is watching, He will punish me for my mmistakes and will be sure to punish him for his. I have recently with much struggle started working on myself, taking care of my body and soul. InshaAllah I have high hopes for the future, and am praying that Allah swt will accept my duas.
I am really sorry though for the pain you went through, you were a kind person for putting up with him and caring for him when he was down. It was wrong of him to marry behind your back but he simply didnt deserve you and God knows that and so does this man. So although he hurt you, I am so glad that you got through it and are looking forward to the future. Your an amazing person to be able to forgive him and have the control to not wish bad on him. It really was his loss and I am sure the day he realises he will be devastated. I hope God rewards you for your brilliant advice and prayers, I am so grateful to you as reading your words gave me the comfort I needed today.
As Confusedpuzzled has hit the nail on the head by saying 'you have gone from loving her to completely removing her from your life' . IF you really loved, respected and cared for her, you would never do this to her.
By posting here and soliciting opinions, you are just trying to justify your way out of a tight spot and back off on promises you made to her. Sorry, my words may sound harsh, but that is the truth.
You know what, SPARE HER for God's sake!
I think, this man (!!!) basically doesn't deserve this lovely woman, at all!
I pray, God eases her pain and makes her see through this fellow's lack of good intentions! That God brings a SUPER GOOD MAN in this lovely woman's life, and make her happy, give her all the love, she truly deserves in life.
I think, this fellow, deserves some woman exactly his TYPE, his CUT and MOULD. Perhaps, that would suit him the BEST!
You never thought of your parents when you made promises to this woman, of settling down abroad, when you lured rather almost forced her into things she was not comfortable with. And now you have the audacity to PITY & HATE her ONLY because she loves you and wants to marry you. Oh, I think, that's indeed pitiful that inspite of everything you have done to her she wants to marry someone like YOU.
No, please don't marry her, she deserves someone really worth her spirit and love! The temporary hurt and pain, you have caused her, am sure will go away asap with God's blessings. It's better to shed tears for a moment or two, than crying your entire life. The illusion she has for you, I wish, vanishes as soon as possible and God brings the right MAN in her life, asap.
Go and find yourself someone your kind. It's absolutely true, God blesses us ONLY with things we deserve. And this Loving WOMAN, will surely be rewarded with someone as LOVING AS HER and you, someone who's indecisive, rash, irresponsible, inconsiderate (both for your parents and the girl you "duped") am surely will rewarded with someone you deserve! AMEN!
The reason this woman is so confused with how she feels about you is because she loved and trusted you, then you forced her to sin. Now because of this sin she most likely feels ashamed, depressed and just all around miserable. The lingering psychological effects of forcing a person into sexual acts, even if penetration never occurs, are huge. You should repent for not only committing sexual acts before marriage but also for forcing another person into them, ie sexual assault. You need to let her know that because you forced her into these sins she should not blame herself for them, it was not her choice and you forced her. I am taking this from your own statement where you said you forced her to sin. She wants you to marry her so she can feel like an honest good woman and start to let go of some of her guilt of being forced into sexual acts, the reason she doesn't want to move with you after the marriage and live with you is because she most likely harbors resentment and fear of you for forcing her to sin. Pray for her, and for yourself, she deserves someone better than how you have been treating her and who can make her feel as special as she should feel. Also you have been courting her for 5 years? Wow, even more reason for her to be angry and confused with you, you have strung her along for 5 years.
@Confusedpuzzled
I love your response!!! Simply love it, it has given me so much hope!!! I am starting to look on the bright side, but still annoyingly think of him and cry for him because I have flashbacks of him touching me and then panic. But there is no point!! I became incredibly ill over this man, almost killed myself, my mum lost consciouness because she cried so much to see me in such a bad state, my dad lost his smile and peace, and all because of him. I told him about my health but he didnt have a care in the world and also let his family insult me who have absolutely no idea what had gone on between us. But never mind Allah swt is watching, He will punish me for my mmistakes and will be sure to punish him for his. I have recently with much struggle started working on myself, taking care of my body and soul. InshaAllah I have high hopes for the future, and am praying that Allah swt will accept my duas.
Well, that's fantastic. Have faith in God, have faith in your self, and like I have said, be strong and do good.
Sometimes, we suffer, because, God wants us to learn the ways of the world and become strong for a bigger and better purpose. I'll say you have erred, but you're not wicked! You believed someone, and acted under a belief. It was perhaps, naive of you and perhaps that is what God wanted to tell you, tell me. That it's good be loving, but then we also need to distinguish between what's right and what's not! You see, Good people, will always manage to find some good in the most evil acts / people around them, while the evil ones, will always manage to find evil or flaws in every act / person around them. You were Good, so you believed that guy to be as good and as harmless as you were. He is perhaps evil, so he could manage to see evil, in even the good things you did for him. In your affection for him, he could see lust. Whereas in his lust, you could only see his love! 🙂 I am sure, you're getting what I am trying to state, right? So his perspective is speaking a lot about HIM than YOU! Likewise, your perspective is speaking more about you than HIM! It's just that God wanted to save you from HELL, perhaps! What if you had been married to him, have had children with him, and then he would have insulted YOU, YOUR family, and abandoned you and your children! What if after giving the best of your life and yourself, he would have cared nothing and left, leaving you with no hope or strength to carry on in life!
Think of the incidence in your life, as a lesson, for helping you make better choices in life. Now, no matter who comes your way, you will be STRONG to ward off, any temptations or any illusion a man creates for you to believe him. And that will help you choose the RIGHT MAN! Real MEN, are not spineless opportunists. They respect women, and will never be mean or harsh on them. They are rare, but they're there!!! :)) And now you'll be able to discover one.
About this creature, you came across, he comes across as someone who can't respect women enough. Let his honeymoon period wear off, he'll be back to his usual self. Also, sometimes we wonder, why is God blessing a scoundrel with good things in life, that why on earth is he delaying justice and not punishing them for their misdeeds? I'll tell you, why. That is because, an injury that we might have after slipping off the first step of a stair will be too minor to even feel, but imagine the grievous nature of the injury one would have, if he's pushed off the 10th floor of a building? Is he even going to survive it? Can you imagine the horror, one will go through, before hitting the ground? The smashing blow! Aargh... now that sounds evil to me, so let's not get into it! Just forget about everything now, focus on yourself, focus on your parents. Why should YOUR parents suffer for misdeeds of a complete stranger? That fellow, have mercy on him, for he's not even hurt you but also hurt your parents. What was their fault? None!!! And God's watching it all... Right? 🙂
And you know what, I am only happy, if my ramblings here are able to heal you, or fellow women or men, or any of us, or help any of us have some hope in life, helps any of us believe in God, in his justice and in life! Always, remember one thing in life, do not worry if you're not able to help anyone in life, God understands we're human beings and have limited capacities in life, BUT HAVING SAID THAT, I'll also tell you, but please do not HURT / HARM anybody, not even your enemies, for that is something God will never forget or forgive. So let him be the judge! And let's focus on doing what is right.
I thank you for your kind words of appreciation for me, but the more I share, the more positive, I am becoming, every single day. There was a lot within me, that I could never express. This platform, where I have been able to come across other people, their pain and sufferings, has helped me heal!!! I think, my attempt is not healing people in despair, but is also helping me! If all of us have met on this forum, then believe me, it's all for a reason. And God's 'maneuvered' it!
Go and hug your mum, and tell her, that you love her. Also, go dish out a nice home cooked meal, for your parents. Take care of them, they will ONLY be HAPPY, to see you happy! Don't disappoint them, they deserve to know that their daughter's a strong girl, someone who can not be defeated by some random guy. I believe, you have good education, and you must not waste it! Your parents deserve to see you happy and successful!!!
Much affection,
Weltschmerz
Assalamualaikum ,
Mashallah Sister Weltschemrz for your so touching advice to Sister Confusedpuzzled. I am sure it gave her some healing power together with me. I went through something similar too and believe me I too felt like wanting to die. But today Allhamdullilah after one year I am a much better person, more near to Allah(s.w.t) and giving the key of my happiness only to Him. That man even after having a child still tries his best to contact me. But I just let it go. I wished him happiness and now even if I have some nights to cry myself to sleep at nights I wake up strong. I stayed away from him and now I realize it was not meant to be. It made me stronger in every sense. Today I am so thankfull to Allah for this blessing in disguise.
I pray to Allah (s.w.t) to ease everybody's pain inshallah and one day I am sure everyone will be rewarded for all of their good deeds.
All my respect to all,
Masaalam
Dear Muslim,
Please scroll down to the bottom of the thread, to read my response to you.
Hope you don't miss it.
Warm Regards,
Weltschmerz
Seriously, for a long time, i have been reading this issue of 'crying all night' or 'feel like dying' just because the boyfriend/girl friend relationship is being terminated..., and i always wonder if these stories are just mere tales or are real life stories.. I cant imaging my self crying (not even feeling like dying) just because the patner wishes to terminate the relationship., the very instance he terminated the relationship, cant you just forget about him instantly too?? What's the big deal there?, actually this stories are sometimes funny and i laugh when i read it.
@Mohd
Let's not ridicule someone problem, if we can't understand it or we can't empathise with the person at the receiving end. They're not funny by any means.
It's not about losing a girlfriend / a boyfriend, in fact, in all of the posts here, you will see, none of the people have used the term!!
The point is the "crying" rather pain is not just about losing a person, it's more about a sense of betrayal, about loss of trust, loss of innocence, loss of the ability to believe in people, in goodness, loss of belief in the adage "what goes around, comes around". People would react in the similar manner, if it was not a partner who had betrayed, but if it were your parents, your children, your spouse, your siblings, just about anybody you believed in or have had affection for.
Also, every event in our life, happens for a reason. There are many tests, God puts us through. And all of us have different lessons to learn in life. The problem you find insignificant, is perhaps, one of those very important lessons some of us need to learn, to make better choices in life. To help us equip with the right attitude, wisdom and strength, to fulfill bigger and better purposes in life.
Brother you should try not to laugh. Ignoring the fact that such relationships are haraam, the feelings can be very intense when we lose someone we have such feelings for. Its almost like a grief cycle. Even if such love has not crossed the boundaries in Islam the heartbreak and even divorce can still be very painful. And you can't just forget someone instantly - it takes time and going through various stages. I cant remember them exactly but they have special names.What you can do is handle it with patience and prayer and keep preoccupied to help. Losing anyone special to you is hard - and its very hard when the person who once loved you turns around and doesnt. We tend to take it personally. If many of us loved Allah and Islam more than anything or anyone in dunya then many of us wouldnt have this problem. 'Love' when not in boundaries is almost like a disease and can cause blindness. Everything looks rosy and reality is distorted. Again I dont expect you to understand. But however frustrating, lets try to be understanding InshaAllah they will come out of it, see the errors of their ways and the veil will be lifted.
Sister Zaara, your right it really isnt easy to forget someone...you can move on, but never forget. Its mostly because you feel disrespected and betrayed, and cant understannd why someone who has claimed to love you so much and in whom you have invested so much of yourself and your time suddenly treats you like scum. Its hurtful. But yes, when the veil is lifted you begin to see the horrible reality and realise that actually it was a blessing in disguise and slowly happiness and self confidence starts to come back.
Unfortunately, as this is a counselling type of site, most ppl will only read about peoples dark periods, of people feeling suicidal, complaining. Its harsh when ppl tell you to grow up and face the reality, but seriously, even though you know their right its so so hard to do because your not thinking clearly, your hurt, you want comfort some reassurance and hence you write into this site. Its a cry out for help. Quite often people are suffering by themselves, not everyone is strong and for some people it takes longer to recover, but as you said the key is patience and prayer.
Perhaps once im fully healed and have moved on, I will share some of my positive expereinces too so that people know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and you can be happy again inshaAllah.
First of all the worst thing anyone can say to you is 'get over it.' Hmm, I generally do not like to continue debates on here, but what I will say (as I feel I need to) is that I dont believe its true you can't forget someone. You can and one day the bad feelings you associate will leave you.
Even thinking about the betrayal won't give you any feelings. Whats interesting is you wait for the day you no longer care, but when it comes you dont realise. lol.
Healing doesnt work like 4 months and you heal and thats it. You heal each day, sometimes you lapse but overall your healing. Rational thinking and reflection comes much later.
I do hope that one day you will be among those sharing positive experiences to others to help them. One scar that may stay a bit longer is loss of trust. Its something you should be aware of and actively try to remind yourslf. Not all men betray/hurt you. But the important thing is to learn from it, draw close to Allah and act in a manner which is pleasing to Him.
Mohd, I am not even going to bother explaining anything to you. Clearly you are quite insensitive like alot of people out there.
Mohd , lets not be arrogant . Everyone has weakness and insecurities . I am sure , you must also have them . Blasting at these women will do no good. We must understand that women are made differently and have different expectations . Telling them to "move on " or "its not a big deal" will do no good ,
They already know what they have done and I am sure they will not try to go on same path . We must not ridicule someone for the mistakes they have made .
What if you , in future end up in situations just like them or any situation in which you cry ? Saying that you are immune to pain and emotions is rubbish . What if someone hits you directly in the heart or know your weaknesses and exploits you through them ? . Allah has mysterious ways to either give his slave pain or happiness .
We must always try to be humble and kind , especially to women . I hope you understand bro .
Dear Muslim,
WAS.
Thank you so much for your kind words of appreciation and acknowledgement. And I am so happy that my words have helped at least some of us, heal. Like I have told confusedpuzzled, it's not only about others, it's also about me. This entire communication between all of us here, is also helping me heal. I am so glad, we could find each other here. I exactly know what you have been through, in fact, the worst feeling when the one person (who meant WORLD to you) betrays you and abandons you is, the VOID we feel in our lives, besides of course, the hurt, the pain, the loss of innocence by the harsh and cruel side of someone we thought was an epitome of affection.
And somehow, our interaction here is filling that void in our hearts, and in our lives. Now, at least, we won't lean on to someone to fill a VOID in our life.
I so very much admire your strength and wisdom, that you didn't respond to the MAN you loved the most, once he was married, inspite of your loneliness, pain and hurt. Inspite of your affection for him. I know, we can never shrug off the affection, we have for people, even the evil ones, completely. And we don't even need to. Don't ever let your ability to love people get affected, because someone couldn't take care of it, the way it truly deserved. I think, it's with people like you, like confusedpuzzled, like all of us who are capable of loving people unconditionally and selflessly, that the Earth's not stopped spinning on its axis. God's watching us, so let's leave upto his expectations. It's better to suffer in our lifetime (50? 60? 80? or 100 years, at the most!) on this planet, then suffer for ages when we meet our maker.
I really wish and pray, God sends you a MAN as affectionate, kind and strong, as you are, for your husband. AMEN.
Much affection and strength, to you,
Weltschmerz
Ameen to your prayers weltschmerz 🙂 i feel hope when reading your words and i havent felt like that in a long time. I feel like im moving on and although He never left me I feel like Allah is blessing me with His mercy evenmore. 🙂
Dear confusedpuzzled,
I think, you've missed my message to you in response to your post to one of my previous post. Check the post, below Nicole's.
I am very happy to hear, you're feeling better.
Much Affection,
Weltschmerz
Just read your message weltschmer, thank you! I like your messages, and the hope they give me. Your right about him, I could've married him and then he may have divorced me without any real reason simply because he couldnt cope with the pressure of marriage - that was the type of guy he was. Sometimes I really do wonder why I stood by him for so long, I even stood by him after he swore at me and used me, and still loved him for some reason!
But I am sure he is destined to marry someone, and I was previously so upset that I wanted him to end up with a wife that would hurt him and his family as they had hurt me, but to be honest, I am sure deep down he is a good person. I guess we all make mistakes, and perhaps this was his mistkae. He did hurt me immensely, and I do still cry when I think about it but maybe it was me that brought out the worst him. I guess I should count my blessings and understand that Allah swt is there to protect me and this was best for me. I will try to forgive him, something I simply wasnt able to do previously. I feel sorry for him, he has lost someone truly amazing (dont mean to brag :-p) and doesnt even realise what he has done wrong.
I haveactually started spending lots of time with my parents, I can immediately see their faces brighten up and the smiles returning to them. I am so amazed at how much our parents love us unconditionally. Our pain, causes them pain, my mum and dad went through hell just becasue of me, and now they are healing with me. Its amazing! And if not for myself, I feel motivated to be strong and happy for them inshaAllah.
Dearest weltschmerz,
Salam,
Thank you so much for your reply. You are so right about this forum and about Allah helping us through it by making us coming near to each other and helping each other heal together with ourselves. Today was a hard day for me . My dad is had a triple bypass heart surgery and he saw a dream which's interpretation was that his lifespan is short. I had nobody to talk to. I cried so much and talked to Allah about it. After this heart break atleast I got my lesson to always put my happiness an trust only in Him(s.w.t) . Only He can make us complete and take away our pain . I am trying everyday till now although there's been a lot of change in my attitude but still there are times when I break down.
But my dear sister inshallah we will make it to the end happily. Atleast we will be rewarded for our good deeds.
I pray that Allah (s.w.t) hel
I'm so sorry . I couldn't comPlete it.
I pray that Allah helps me , you and all of our brothers and sisters in all their matters.
And I pray that you too get somebody who deserves your love, who deserves such a nicE lady like you.
All my love and respect,
Masaalam
@Muslim
Aww my dear friend... my heart goes out to you... wish I was there for you, to comfort you, to speak to you. I wish, I could do a lot more for you than I am able to, right now.
Thank you for opening up to me / us, I dearly and very sincerely pray your father gets well, all hale and hearty, as soon as possible. Please do not think you're all alone in this, my prayers are with you and your family.
...And you know what, this is so uncanny, because it seems so strikingly familiar to everything I have dealt with in life.
I lost my father in May 2005, on the very day, I was to get my post graduate degree. I was in another city, away from home, and my dear father had promised me to come and pick me up from the university. But, that never happened. Because, even before I could get ready for the graduation ceremony, I received a call from my family, telling me to rush back home. My father had succumbed to a massive cardiac arrest. You know, he was physically very fit and had never had any illness, all his life. Still makes me sad, when I think of it.
Please do not cry and let any negative thoughts surround you. I know, easier said than done, but please be strong and be with your father. Tell him, everything that you have never told him thus far. Share with him, all that you think of him. Thank him for being such a wonderful parent. I am sure, he's a very loving father, to have raised someone like you - a girl who's very affectionate, kind and strong.
And yes, you're very right, we WILL make it to the end happily and successfully! Amen.
Also, thank you very much for your prayers for me.
Please take care of yourself, and your parents.
God Bless you, all.
Sending you strength, love, luck and happiness....
Weltschmerz
Dearest sister Weltschmerz ,
I am crying reading your reply. Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words . I can only pray to Allah to reward you for your kindness. I can't explain how much it helped me. We are humans and I have already started thinking how will I take care of my mom. All these things have made me strong but my dad means the world to me.
Thanks again for your nice gesture.
Masalaam
I am crying reading your reply. Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words . I can only pray to Allah to reward you for your kindness. I can't explain how much it helped me. We are humans and I have already started thinking how will I take care of my mom. All these things have made me strong but my dad means the world to me.
Thanks again for your nice gesture.
Can't find the "reply" tab under your post, wonder why. 🙁
I am so proud of you and I so very much admire your strength. You're brave and strong daughter, and am sure your parents know this and are very proud of you. 🙂
I have no doubts, that you'll take good care of both your parents. But my dear friend, please do not ignore yourself as well.
Please feel free, to write back, as and when you feel like. I am praying, for you and your parents. Wish speedy recovery for your father.
Much strength & affection, for you, as always,
Weltschmerz
Hmmm!!!, am sorry confusedpuzzle, weltschmerz, sara and muslim., i know am stone hearted and may be that's the reason i can imagine the 'night cries' and 'feeling like dying'.. Or perhaps it's because i dont know how to love (i mean boyfriend/girlfriend love), so i would'nt know the impact of the betrayal involved when a man or a woman terminate the relationship... But in either way, i still maintain my ground. That should'nt make you to be feeling like dying or crying like a baby all nights.. He is not the only guy in the world, there are thousands out there that are far far better than him. Just remove him from your mind and forget about his existance, it's as simple as abc... Don't make your self so cheap ''by crying like a baby,'' just because a guy terminated his relationship with you.. Frankly i feel like laughing when i read stories like this.
mohd, just stop typing. I cant believe how insensitive you are, i really cant. If you dont understand something then dont bother commenting! This is exactly what he did, the man i was going to marry, pursued me, kept pursuing me despite me telling him were two different people, made me fall in love with him (which was stupid on my part) and then when he knew he had me under his 'spell' he changed. He left me, broke all his promises, and dishonoured me. And he sounded so similar to you. When I begged him to reconsider or at least justify his actions, he told me to move on and come to terms with things. When I couldnt do that he swore at me, and let his family insult me when I had done or said nothing to them!!! There are just so many insensitive people out there, and although i am moving on, i dont think i will EVER want to let another man in my life and I certianly dont think I would want to marry. I would rather live alone and make something of myself then to trust another man, and risk being hurt by him and his family. From my experience most men dont think twice about other peoples feelings, they can be very selfish creatures. If they have had enough and want to dump you, they will, regardless of how much they said they loved you. If they want you, they will annoy the hell out of you by pursuing you and making you feel like they truly love you.
confusedpuzzled ,
Whether you marry or not is not my concern . But I must say this , there are all kinds of people in this world , good and bad . Limiting your vision , will only harm you in the long run .
"Just remove him from your mind and forget about his existence...simple as abc"
Bro, please also do the favour of telling these sisters where that SWITCH is located?
You sound very young.
Faith, you sound very very arrogant and rude.. If my point of view is not accepted by you and you cant give reasonable reply, why even bother to read it?, why not just skip it, than given an unproductive reply?. As a man, am giving them the advice i feel is best and am not even addressing you.. Parhaps you should consider your self to be the ''young'' girl.... For goodness sake why would someone be killing himself every night and day for someone that do not even care for him, someone that just left you, dumped you and betrayed you??.. I clearly understand the ladies now, i dont think there is any need for further explanation.
Well I agree with mohd part not the laughing one but that part which is crying/dying
People if a boy/girl left someone its surely hard but not I'm possible ,
Its of no use to cry or think to die . Well what good will it make
Weltschmers , offcourse u have love a person (irrespective of religion ) and stood by him during his tough day he left u , u cannot forget him its understood
But is it worth cry/dying every day , well what good will it make .
No matter how much u try u cannot change ur past can u no matter how much u think/regert it it won't do any good for the future
So if nothing good come out of cry/dying ,
Irrespective of harming oneself and other loved one around us( as confused puzzled told ) then y to do so
I don't know if this eg suits or not
when ur driving , if ur car tire punchers u have two option
1 either curse the tire/ road and stand and cry
2 or either pull a spare tire , fix it and drive home happy for dinner
Disclaimer , if u don't know how to change the tire , plz call a mechanic
( wanted to end it in lighter side , I already made my point)
Yup...so what troublehood is basically advising you here is to get to know mechanics for marriage purpose, lol.
Troublehood ?
Now who is that
Omg...ive been reading your name as troublehood ALL this time! What the...???
Okay..someone tell me there IS someone called troublehood on this site with a green avatar, right?!
@ faith
I am over this site around a month or so
Never see a person with I'd Troublehood with green avatar
Secondly , u should opt for glasses ¤¤ LOL
I'm just so greatful now that I didn't send that post that I wanted to a while back, asking you why in the world is your username is troublehood and to think of changing it, LOL.
You have too many O's bro.. It can cause partial blindness!
Lol....well i already know how to change a tire 😀
Just like the man in the above scenario has done, he has loved a girl who he feels will make her happy. He admits to leading her to sin, which she now feels guilty about. But her apparent madness to marry him is causing him to hate her!! Now that makes me laugh, AT him!! What pathetic excuses he is making to not marry her, how much he is hurting her. Clearly, he is ready to move on with someone else and forget her, but she stupidly loves him and of course she will cry, because it will hurt her. Well what goes around, comes around....if not in this world, then in the next you will be quiestioned for the hurt you cause to others. And I really hope you Mohd, dont go through what some people have gone through on this site, because it certianly wont be funny when someone hurts you and you are crying all night like a baby.
@ confused puzzle / mohd
Firstly brother mohd , u r laughing on thinking that the above stories are made up or no true , well it is un islamic to laugh on other ppl misery.
Secondly , sister confused puzzle , well ur remark on men is not satisfying , well there are bad men who use women but not all r same
U told u don't want to marry , sister husband/wife pair r made in heaven , so if there is a pious men destined for u ull meet him Insah allah , only allah knows best
Thirdly , sister confusedpuzzle u already said u have moved on , so y discuss this which bring hurt full memories back n forth
Lastly , instead of help the author , what is going on right now is that
One person is saying that he has been suffering/suffered from such
Other person is telling to stop crying
Well its going from helping to men v/s women ,
Well I will end with this
If ur walking in a road and u r lost , u should have carried a map / gps
All im saying is that if someone is hurt by boy/girl/spouse/sibling/mum/dad they will cry, its a normal human response. Each person will heal at differnt times, some will need to cry to let it all out, they will find some kind of comforti n crying and it will help them move forward. I was the same, but I have moved on now alhamdulillah but it took alot of tears, panic attacks and unfortuantely even suicical thoughts. I found alot of support on this very site, I moaned and moaned and the lovely people on this site put up with all of that and provided me with good advice and support, and alhamdulillah they have helped me to recover and I am now standing on the either side more stable and stronger than I was. I am not 100% there yet, but its only a matter of time. So when people like mohd judge others and say things like they wantto laugh, or make it all sound so easy, either because of their lack of expereince or ignorance it really frustrates me and I feel i need to offer some kind of explanation as to why we expereince those emotions!
@lala, you right and i know there are alot of good and bad people out there adn inshaAllah if i am destined I will meet a wonderful man who will love me purely. But I've had such a blow that at the moment I really cant think of getting married, I am still anxious of men, but im working on it and perhaps i will be ready for marriage one day, but its not my top priority currently and nor do i have any desire for marriage.
I know this post is not about me, but I am feeling incredibly down today after a long period of hopefullness. I am starting to get flashbacks of what happened again, and counselling really is not helping. I think it is becasue recently I discovered accidentally some things about my ex's past. He was in a very long term relationship with another girl who it appears he lost interest in as with me, and who it seems he had been sleeping with, and had even shopped for intimate clothes for her. She seems like a genuine girl, who loved him too but was not of the same religion. He is now getting married, or moving on with someone else and today in particular it is driving me crazy because I am still not happy, stable enough to consider another for marriage, yet he is. In fact i have lost interest in marriage, intimacy of husband/wife etc, the thought makes me sick. I just cannot bear to see him so happy, I really cant. His brother who insulted me the most is also happy in his marriage and treating his wife with much respect and loveand that makes me angry. I have evidence for all of his behaviour in the past, and I really want to expose him (not the girl or myself). I just want his family and friends to know the truth about him, because I think thats what he deserves. I hate him so immensely that I am scared of what I might do...should I go ahead and expose him, because he deserves it, is revenge allowed in Islam??
hey CF, I am sorry that your still hurting. I pray Allah blesses you with all the happiness in the world and in the hereafter.
You know what I have read a few of ur comments to others posts (including mine) and I tell you you have a kind heart. You are a really good person. Its sad that someone like you had to go through that deception. I tell you this its not just that women get hurt like this but there are so many men who get betrayed likewise. I have a classmate who is all pious and has even done a hajj and basically is a nice girl but she is so darn selfish and how many times she fooled with other men while having a sincere boyfriend. Her boyfriend is so madly in love with her that everytime she goes fooling around with other men, that boyfriend goes crazy and begins pleading her to come back to him. This happened many times but now the girl is stelled with this boyfriend.
So, anyway my point is that filthy man who broke your heart is just some characterless bloke who only thinks of himself. I mean what a loser! This guy just makes relationships with one girl than another....he is a characterless man. I mean if this man were a woman than society would call him a very bad name. And that is what is man is, that bad name. So, ask yourself why would you dirty your hands by exposing someone like him? He is just a characterless loser. Just forget him, no matter even if he is the happiest man alive, he is just a characterless man.
@confusedpuzzled,
I think, we have had enough of this now and it's time we confront reality!
The fact is, going by the way you're trying to deal with the situation you're in, I feel, you'll perhaps, never overcome your grief, your bitterness, your anger and it seems, this is going to be a lifetime phenomenon!
And you know why? Because, it's true when they say, "What goes around, comes around!"
Because, for as long as, you're going to ignore your parents', your family's, your friends' affection, concern for you or the suffering you're causing to them, your EX is going to ignore your affection and concern for him or the suffering he's caused to you!!!
As simple as that!
You've chosen to IGNORE what you've got in abundance, for something that you believed was yours but in reality, never was! Like wise, your EX is ignoring something he got in abundance, for something he believes is his, but in reality, will perhaps never be!!!
Accept, one thing confusedpuzzled, this is YOUR life, and no one's going to slog it out for you. And no one's supposed to! And yet, your parents are pining every moment of their life, to see you happy, which you don't seem to be concerned about. Am sure, you've very loving siblings / friends who are missing, the affection / bonding / good times, they expect out of you, who're waiting for you to be with them all over again, but, again, you it seems are least concerned. Perhaps, just like the man you loved but who never cared back enough!!!
Yes, when I step into your parents', your siblings', your friends' shoes, I feel, you're equally cruel, you're cold and you just don't seem to care enough. For even you can not see, that there are people who love you UNCONDITIONALLY and WHO ARE WAITING FOR YOU (just the way you're.. but for someone else..), that there are people who are just WAITING for you to reciprocate their affection for you, waiting for you to assure them that yes things went off track, but your affection for them was / is genuine (just the way you expect your EX to come and assure you...), waiting for you to go back to them (just the way PERHAPS YOU'RE HOPING DEEP DOWN YOUR HEART...)!!!
Like you're wondering, almost every moment of your life, how could a man I loved so sincerely leave me for someone else, even your parents, your siblings and your friends are wondering how could our daughter / sister / friend we loved so sincerely and unconditionally forget us completely for a stranger who never cared!!!
And you know what, that man, you loved, thinks he is perhaps accountable for only one person's misery, but have you ever bothered to think for how many people's misery is God going to hold you accountable? Yes, indeed, what goes around, comes around!
Accept it, confusedpuzzled, it's high time you break this vicious cycle. End of the matter, SIMPLE!
The mourning needs to END now, this very moment!!! In fact, do you even realise that, that man, has given X time to this relationship, to you, but you have given X + Y (Y is the time, you have given to him and this relationship, even after he left!) time to him. X is frozen, but Y is ticking! Not difficult for anyone to figure out who's losing and WHAT (!!!), no brainer, indeed! Believe me, TIME's indeed very precious! Tomorrow, you'll perhaps regret, losing some precious years of your life, for absolutely NOTHING!!!
And what revenge are you talking about? That's plain rubbish and so juvenile. Just break free from this nonsense. Be constructive than being destructive. Why interfere, with God's domain? To judge and impart justice, is his business, after all and not ours!
And who on earth says to love is a sin. Love people, with all your heart, but do not expect anything in return. Try and love some unconditionally and selflessly and expect NOTHING, and you will feel blessed! You will feel closest to God, you'll realise, you're perhaps God's favourity child, that he chose you above others to give something that only he's capable of! That perhaps, you're a manifestation of his glorious being!
Today, I am not willing to PRAY for you, because, now I want to see, how STRONG you're! I want to see, how WISE you're! Like, perhaps, God is! I am sure, while you were typing the post (Above) he would have sighed, "Psst... nooo...not again... come on now... don't be so silly.. now don't disappoint me!"
I had almost left the forum, but your post has COMPELLED me, to come back and write this. In fact, like me, there are so many others, who're investing some very precious time of their lives in sorting out your life. And why? Because, even though we do not each other, we want the best for each other! So please be considerate, and don't disappoint all of us here! This forum has a purpose and let's respect it!!!
Thats a lovely response weltschmerz, I was thinking the same....was thinking how much thought I had put into how I would treat his mum, and the things we would dotogether etc...but then I realised that what about my mum, who goes out of her way to make me happy. But anyway, to cut a long story short, I have been spending lots of time with my family and freinds. Although i am not the same as before, I dont just laugh as easily as I did before, and im not as carefree and jolly as before but I am better.
Also, the other thing is, that I have recieved interest from other men, for marriage but I have never accepted anyone. I still miss my ex immensely, and all this rubbish about revenge and hating him is so momentary, i still love him alot. Rather than forgiving him, I am finding it the most difficult to forgive myself for letting him touch me and use me, I still have flashbacks and it wakes me up at night in a sweat. He did desperately want to marry me at one point, and stuck by me trying to persuade me for ages, but I kept resisting and probably made him feel very small, because his words were never followed by actions, or he would not listen to me, or neglect me. But in hindsight perhaps he did that because of how I made him feel?
No point repeating it all over again, but I just need some way to forgive myself and move on...that is what I am finding the most difficult to do.
Thats a lovely response weltschmerz, I was thinking the same....was thinking how much thought I had put into how I would treat his mum, and the things we would dotogether etc...but then I realised that what about my mum, who goes out of her way to make me happy. But anyway, to cut a long story short, I have been spending lots of time with my family and freinds. Although i am not the same as before, I dont just laugh as easily as I did before, and im not as carefree and jolly as before but I am better.
Also, the other thing is, that I have recieved interest from other men, for marriage but I have never accepted anyone. I still miss my ex immensely, and all this rubbish about revenge and hating him is so momentary, i still love him alot. Rather than forgiving him, I am finding it the most difficult to forgive myself for letting him touch me and use me, I still have flashbacks and it wakes me up at night in a sweat. He did desperately want to marry me at one point, and stuck by me trying to persuade me for ages, but I kept resisting and probably made him feel very small, because his words were never followed by actions, or he would not listen to me, or neglect me. But in hindsight perhaps he did that because of how I made him feel? But I also couldnt leave him, and when he did, I cried and cried and begged him like a crazy woman. He told me my crying wouldnt work. He used to pick up my phone call and then hang up or leave it running without answering me on purpose, god it hurt so much when he did that.
No point repeating it all over again, but I just need some way to forgive myself and move on...that is what I am finding the most difficult to do.
@confusedpuzzled,
Check this link, and read the author's post,
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/no-family-feel-alone/#comment-43525
(Read MY post to her, if you feel like!)
I didn't have an answer to comfort her!