Islamic marriage advice and family advice

She won’t marry me because I called her names.

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I was born and bred in the UK.  I have never done zina, and I always prayed to Allah I find someone like myself. I found a girl off the muslima site. We got to know each and we met, and she told me she had a boyfriend in the past but had never done zina, but later on she found out that her boyfriend was running after other women, so she ended the relation with him. She told me everything about herself and about family because she said "I trust you".

One day her father asked her if she wanted to get married from back home and she did, but she never spent a night with her hubby because she told him she needs more time.  Yet her hubby tried it on with her and she started to shout, then the whole family got up and she told her father she wants a divorce the first night.  Her hubby came over to England and both slept in separate rooms, because there was no relationship between them.  Her hubby left her and she told me she is still a virgin, and I believed her every bit.

She went back home for holidays but I didn't want her to go. She used to whatsapp me from there, and I use to send her nasty texts like you are a slag, you have someone on the side like a another boyfriend, and stuff like that, but I never meant it because I love her to bits. Her sister wanted to marry a guy she knew  for 5 years but her parents are saying we are Choudary and the guy is Kwahaja. They claim they are low caste and Choudary is high.  Her father said to her sister that that they will disown her if she marries that guy. so her sister is going to marry that guy she likes.

Now she saying to me, "my sister will be disowned by my family, and I don't want marry you because if I ever had any problems I can't go home. So we can just be friends".  This was the same girl that used to say to me, "if you ask for my hand it's going to be easy because I am divorced, and if my family ever bought up caste and say no, I will leave my family and marry you". I thought 'what a gem she is'.  But now she has changed saying "I will not marry you or anyone else, I would rather stay home and look after my parents and not get married", and the she would say "I swear on my granddads grave". I think its because all the nasty things I been saying to her. She did say once that was the reason, that I called her slag and stuff.  I don't know what to do; please give me advice.


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26 Responses »

  1. Leave the girl alone you called her names and now you want to marry her??seriously???well learn your lesson and watch your tongue. Well she told you she would rather stay single all her life and stay at home so respect her decision!!you cant force her to marry you. I think is the right decision anyway, why would someone want to marry a guy who doesnt even respect her? i do not know how old you are but you should improve your character instead stalking the girl. she made up her mind and is her right, leave her alone, you can not do anything about it anyway!

  2. Salaam brother.You have a funny way of showing this girl that you 'love her to bits'.Seriously, calling her a slag and maligning her just because she took a vacation when you didn't want her to?And given her past bad luck with men?she would have to be very dense indeed as to not to interpret this as a clear red flag to stay away from you!OFCOURSE she would rather stay unmarried and look after her parents than get into a relationship with a guy like this.Any girl with half a brain would.Bro, you need to look into your own self and get some stuff sorted out.its a great thing that you never committed zina, but you have no proof that she did, either.She was honest with you from the start and told you truthfully about her past experiences, because she trusted you and wanted you to accept her with her past.she could have hidden it from you, but she didn't.that is proof of an honest nature.And if you really loved her to bits, you would have made her comfortable and gave her some security and trust, instead of calling her names for no reason at all.Trust and respect are essential for any relationship to develop, and she probably felt that if a guy is being so dominanting and suspicious at the very start of a relationship, how would he be as a husband??its better to be safe than sorry, right.You need to be insightful about your own behavior.if you feel its ok for you to call her names 'even when you didn't really mean it' whenever you're angry, you should definitely give this lady a break and not marry her.if you do, both of you will be miserable, UNLESS you vow to yourself and her that you will always treat her with respect and affection, and not resort to such un Islamic behavior such as calling her bad names, even if you do argue.And this goes for any girl that you wish to marry,if this doesn't work out.


  4. Dear Brother,

    I am sorry to say but I don't see any possibility between two of you. I even feel that this relationship was merely a confusing one which lack commitment/seriousness to take it to marriage.

    It was also odd to note that you used to send her nasty message when as you said that you did not mean to. It confirms that you lack maturity.

    The girl seems does not want to commit for a relationship neither with you nor anyone else for one reason or another (there is no point is going deep -Why) what matter is she is not willing to. She has made it clear to you. So this says it all.

    Simultaneously, I commend you for that inspite of living in a western country, you have never committed zina. Masha-allah, it a sign that you are right path but you need to hold on.

    So my advice would be that you should leave that girl, look for some decent girl and get married to her (only when you are emotionally and financially ready for it)

    I wish you good luck.

    • Dear Brother @ Skhan86,

      I read your comments which are not published here yet.

      I would like to say that People have their own perception of thinking and advising based on what is presented before them. While asking for advice,it is not possible to put up everything (small small things which matters to one) in form of a question on this platform. And it is obvious to have different or biased advices which one may not like. You are feeling disappointed perhaps for the reason that you did not get what you had wished to hear from people here.

      If you read my answer one more time, you would realize that I was not into blaming/holding responsible- you or the girl (though I had doubt her ) but my point was that if someone wants you to be out of her/his life, then you cannot impose yourself. You have no choice but to accept that decision. You cannot force e a person to love you, to marry you- no matter how much you love her/him, its better to be alone than getting into such painful frustrating relationship. I know, it pains a lot but it cannot change the reality.

      I praised you for not committing zina but sending nasty messages/ calling names show that you lack maturity. You must watch you tongue/words. Our religion does not allow anyone (elder or younger) under any circumstances to use abusive language or action. I hope you would agree on this.

      Now you have given more details of your case, for some readers, it might change the impression about the girl and some would think that you were used and they would pity you and have sympathy towards you. Is this what you wanted to hear? So what , if you do get to hear it all favourably, but will it change the reality, will it bring the girl back in your life, will it make her to love you?!!!

      I know you are emotionally hurt and it is frustrating you. You are feeling being cheated or used by her. To me, you seem to be a nice Muslim guy but you need to hold on, improve yourself islamically and try to move on in life.

      Trust almighty, whatever happens for a good reason and if you retrospect your relationship with her(obviously with a cool head) then you would instantly realize that God actually saved you.

      Think about it my dear brother.

      Your sister

  5. I personally think you have confused this girl, she hasnt even touched her hubby coz of you and for whom she did this he goes and dissez her calling her all names under sun and then want to keep things like normsl after, she couldve had s brill relationship with her husband which Bcoz of U she threw away, shes upset her family enough and probably feels all men are same - another negative thing which you have unkowingly put in her head, hence doesnt want to uoset family more, not only does she appear confused, but hurt and stressed. Its understandable that you said them things out of anger as you brought doubts in your mind and limited contacts, but what happened to think before you speak as consequences of your actions can be dire? Bro, problem here is you need to stay away from her for some time as if you loved her youd leave her alone for some time, let her think it over as if she wants to be with you she will contact you herself, they say if you love someone you hsve to respect that person and sometimes sacrifice things for them to be happy. If Allah wills InShaAllah youl get married to a person miles better beyond your dreams who will prove it to you in a Way youl be at peace with. Read namaz and seek Allah in your duas hel gove you the sakoon on your heart make dua for yourself InShaAllah Allah has someone better in store for both of you as thats why you both are not together, tske it as Allahs will, as we are here becoz of Him only and here to face the tests for which we will get our rewards... Trust me ul see ... Have faith and everything would appear clearer. All the best InShaAllah.

    • Sister I meet this girl last year, everything about hubby was in the past before I knew her I came later on in her life.

      • Basically Skhan86 it might sound harsh but it looks bleak for you, theres nothing in it for you, like I said just let her be, if Allah wills.. U will be together she wil realise and run back in your arms.. But if not youve got your answer, easier said than done but you need to move on, yes people replying are siding the girl more but whats done is done you have to accept it, just ask for forgiveness from Allah and it appears as if you are repenting so its a good sign, InShaAllah ul meet the right girl but remember keep asking for forgivness feom Allah and make Dua for yourself and move on.
        Maybe distance makes the heart grow fonder and shel realise and you will patch up and she will forgive. Have faith.

        • You people are so heartless not even one person gave good advice, I admit I said nasty stuff to her. Every time she need help financial I was there for her, she use to phone me few min's here and there and after a month say my bill has come to £194, which is hard to believe her story's never added up, She worked as a Manager at shop and say this month never got paid need money I was there for her. Before she went back home I said to her can u borrow me some money I will give you back when you come back. She replied Iam going Pakistan with no money. I said to her in hard time's no one help's, she replied wtf is your problem if you need money sell the chain and watch u got me, How do you think I felt. The person I can do anything for said that to me but I forgave her still. She never knew local area how to get about but she knew how to get to Airport alone and go alone to Pakistan. She use to wattapp me from there I use to phone her she never did, One day she's in Islamabad living with cousins next time she would say Iam in some different place, her story's never added up that's why I said all them things to her. She would say women are not good they way they dress up, But she done same herself when I say cover up she would argue. She phoned the other day I said you have changed so you want to end this relation she replied no. But soon or later I will don’t need these women in my life.

          • Dont be daft sorry if i sound negative or derogative! This is the whole thing im saying...
            Let her be... We just knew one sided story so hence advising you. If you cant trust someone theres no point being with that person FACT. You deserve better, theres plenty of fish in the sea, lesson learnt, move on. Allah has something better in store 4 u...

  6. Btw.... The fact shes avoiding you yet still wants to be with you... U guys need to chat appropriately about future. Also have u dpared a thought that this girl might be burdened by something fearful of something, u should know how our asian families r like bro

  7. Brother,

    I do not think anyone is being harsh to you. Everyone is just giving their honest opinion. Isn't that what you want?
    You asked at the end what you should do, and the best think in this situation is to forget her and move on with your life. Other then this there is nothing else you can do.

    You both have committed sins by getting emotionally involved before marriage and having contact. Now you are upset because you really liked her and she refused to marry you. She has the right to refuse it is her life, and marriage is a big commitment. Of course she should'nt have led you on if she didn't want to marry you in the end and also you should not have called her nasty names. But nevertheless maybe she thought long and hard about it and decided this is the best thing. Maybe there are other circumstances in her life that led to this decision. Only Allah knows.

    And also you said you don't believe what she tells you, things about her does not add up. Then it looks like you don't trust her. Why do you want to get married to a girl you do not trust? If you are having problems and doubts about her before even living with her then you will have bigger problems when you marry her! She maybe thinking the same thing that if you are capable of verbally abusing her now then what will you do after marriage? Most women want a kind, compassionate husband. Nobody wants a husband who does not trust her and suspects her all the time. calling a pure innocent women a slag is like putting a knife in her chest. It will really hurt her.

    If you want a difference of opinion then the one last thing you can try is to go to her father and ask for her hand and apologise to her first for the grieve you caused her. This may show her that you are really committed to her and really like her.

    If her and her father say no, then that's the end. Then you must forget her and move on. At the end of the day if you are meant to get married to her then you will marry her and nothing can stop you and if she is not meant for you then you can never get married to her in any circumstance, and that's a fact .

    May Allah give you a pius wife who you can live in peace with.

    • Sister Iam really confused I do trust her that's why I feel that, She told me she had a boyfriend in the past who was running around after women so she left him, she said she meet him 4 time's in 4 years, first she said he was from local area then moved to London, her father said there is a rishta for her in Pakistan. She went there told her hubby she need's more time. So she never let him close over there and in England, So he left her so I believed her. Oneday I went to a peer guy he told me she has been sleeping with x boyfriend and he didnt want to marry her so she got depresed and went pakistan and been with her hubby to, I told her that she was shocked and said it's a lie. after that I said to her Iam sorry for accusing you for that I went to same with her. She went alone to pakistan and stayed with her cousin Allah khow's what the truth is. My mates were saying its not good for a women to go Pakistan alone, that's why I called her these things, but now is all over never going to contact her ever again going to change my number.

      • Best way really.. But honestly, dont losten to your friends, you have to make that decision, not them as you shared a relationship. A girl going alone to Pakistan... Can happen nowadays even though my parents will never allow it! But its a "modern" zamana and msybe her parents trust her thats why she goes, yeh kaha nahi jata.. Its uk more westernised in our communities now. Even you asking on this website... Its hoing to make you more stressed by negative comments as you have to admit, everyone has different opinion and youve put yourself in the spotlight! Challo, what has happened has happened, but if u fail to trust her... No point of going ahead as later in life if u do endup together... Foubts are going to bring unhappy years and failed marriage, best not start a fire.

      • Dear Brother,

        Hope you have read my responses.?!

        Anyway, as you said above Allah khow's what the truth is, yes Trust 100% only Allah (swt) and no one else.

        You have taken a right step towards by changing your number. Keep distance with her and move on. transform this breakdown into a breakthrough and Insha-allah, you will get a good life partner. ameen

        Take care

        your sister

  8. Brother,

    Cut ties with this woman and do yourself a favor and move on. There are so many amazing Muslim sisters in the U.K.. If you have family or friends there, make them aware that you are seeking matrimony. May Allah guide a pious sister your way, amin.


  9. Try ur best but u knw everything else u can prbz find a better girl...

    things happen it was 2 way thing..

    send ur family in to askfrher hand let them decide...but I think u need to find wht in her head.. sometime ppl just becme like stuck with a thought or over think...
    do u istikhaara too..

    do tauba fr any bad things u dne in life.

  10. the thing is she has too much canoodle around her bro wouldn't it better fr u marry sme one clean with nt so much here thyre she making all the decisions fr u bro u dnt this.

    somegirls just seem to attract a lot of talk. dnna why it happens.

    inshallah it would be nice to wht u do.

  11. its seem like shes a lot emotional work fr u. N she probz wont be tht amazing just u have put n so much given her iur heart..

    in the end shes like lah lah. its ur call.. try n grab ur heart back do less with go 100 percent the other way stay away till ur heart finds and minds a position.

  12. Assalaamualaikam

    Sometimes, people say or do things that they later regret, such as calling someone names when feeling angry. Even though we may not mean these things when we calm down, they can't be taken back or erased, and the impact of them isn't necessarily lessened by saying sorry. From a female perspective, I would be extremely hurt if someone accused me of inappropriate relationships or implied sexual impropriety - these are hugely important issues - especially if the person was someone I cared for.

    If you truly regret your actions, you could (and should) apologise to the girl and repent to Allah for your words and thoughts. We are taught that Allah loves us all, and that His forgiveness is limitless. However, the consequences of your actions may well mean that this girl does not want to have any contact with you. If she has expressed a wish to stop all contact, then I would advise that you respect that.

    It hurts to lose someone we care about, but in time you will inshaAllah be able to learn from this experience and move forward. Words can have great power to hurt or to heal, and we should all try to take care in our speech to avoid hurting others. I pray that Allah guides you and that you find peace and happiness inshaAllah.

    Midnightmoon editor

  13. Dear brother, words are like toothpaste, once they are out u can't put them back! Looks like u will just have to learn your lesson and move on.

  14. Thanks Everyone I thought I will get advice how to make thing's better but you heartless people, My mistake was I post my stuff on here don't need anyone's help, you people would be good at get a married couple divorced with you advice. For u people it's entertainment, I spoke to her few days ago, her word's.. "I will never get married if I do it's going to be you, that's if you change, I swear on my gran-dads grave" I got my answer from her. Good bye.

    • Dear Brother,

      you said "now is all over never ever going to contact her ever again going to change my number." but then why still spoke to coudnt keep your promise you gave to yourself?!!!

      The girl on one hand says- she will not get married at all, but on other hand, she says if she will, it will be with you...if you change she will do this, if not then she would do that....the girl seems either totally confused herself or she is giving these excuses to get rid of you ( i am sorry if i sound harsh)

      you, on one side, you called her names, you doubt about her chastity and intentions, but on other side, want her in your life....Dude...dont you think, even you are not sure of feelings towards her...

      think of everything with a cool head..... I reiterate that running after Why, Why not, How, When, This, That etc. will lead you nowhere.

      You didnt like our responses, its ok, everyone has their own opinion or ideas -may you like or not.

      Decide yourself. We all just wish you good luck.

  15. Good to here learnt something here..
    frgive me if my advice wasn't relevant I guess u only knw ur situation better then anyone 🙂

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