Islamic marriage advice and family advice

She won’t reconcile, but I don’t want to divorce

interfaith, torn, children, marriage problem, lonely


Thank you for taking the time to read my issue. My wife has moved out with our children after 14 years of marriage. She blames me for all of it, and is oblivious to her involvement for this action. Since moving out, she has pushed me to seek another partner and forget her. To a certain extent I did it, in a halal manner and a haram manner- for which I am shameful.

She never gave any indication of coming back, but with the miracle of Allah she came back and stayed for 6 weeks. It was difficult because we both had to readjust ourselves, but the beginning was great as I was exercising patience. But that slowly diminished because she went against the one thing I asked of her.

Now its been 6 weeks since she has left again with the kids, and she is saying I tarnished her image amongst friends by sharing parts of our problems. She also reminds me of the haram I have done. Although I have expressed deep regret and inform her of it,  the punishment from Allah is what scares me more than anything else. She won't see past it nor will she revert to Islam to assist her in forgiveness.

I worry about the children as they are showing signs of disobedience and going astray, but she won't extend some clemency to me for the children's sake. I also do not want to engage in any wrongful activity. Although I know divorce is within my power, I think it would be a selfish act on my part and a regretful one. I also know I can't force her to be somewhere she doesn't want to be. I now pray for early death because the stress of trying to please her is driving me to insanity and the constant reminder of her existence is preventing me from leading a normal life again.

I went through all of this once this year and now I feel I am to drained to go through it again. No one in our circle of family or friends wants us to separate,  yet she isn't willing to listen to anyone. All I constantly hear are the mistakes I have made which led her to become the way she is now. I pray someone can relay the message of her actions are acting as an anchor pulling the ship to sink.

Both her parents have told her to reconile, but she informs them that its not their life and it's between us as a married couple. Most recently, she has been saying the marriage contract is meaningless because its just a piece of paper to her and means nothing. Please advise what should I do, being as impatient and broken as I am.


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10 Responses »

  1. Salam brother,

    It just seems to me that your are trying to control her. Most of men's marital problems seem to stem from them trying to control their wives every move. You want your wife to say' " yes sir" to everything. You said she said left saying it was your fault, oblivious to her fault, but it takes two to tango. You said she did something you asked her not to? You didn't say what is was? It may be sonething unreasonable, so she has right to refuse.

    Marriage is not about one person have control and power and the other person obeying and bowing down to the husbands every request. Some men can't take it if the wife says "no" even once. Marriage is a partnership, friendship enveloped in love and compassion where both spouses compromise. You say thinks like "she pushed me to do this" nobody can make someone do anything. You chose to commit a sin by going into another relationship. It was your decision. You could have waited or tried to reconcile with her first time round.

    You didn't exactly explain the issues you are having. What she is doing to you or what you have done to her? But I can only assume your demands were unreasonable and she could not meet them so left. And you cannot force anyone to revert to Islam. Islam has to be accepted from the heart voluntarily.

    Please take a long hard look at yourself and what actions may have distressed your wife, as no mother would leave the father of her child after 14 years of marriage for no good reason! Have a meeting with your wife along with family from both sides. But you will have to be honest about what you are demanding from your wife and what she wants. Take it from there and see if you can reconcile your differences.

    • Of course - it HAS to be 99% HIS fault doesn't it! It's ALWAYS due to the MAN if a marriage breaks dpwn. The mere thought of a WOMAN having even 1% to do with the break down is utter malarkey!

      If this post gets removed then I will just re-post it again. No disrespect sister but you seem like the type of woman who blames EVERY situation on men and the thought of a woman being in the wrong is unthinkable.

      I habe noticed on this website that a lot of females constantly tend to blame and criticize men but give sympathy to women unfairly.

      • The majority of the posts on this site are women. Some women report physical abuse they have suffered from their husbands while some men report disobedience from their wives--when you the weigh the two, you can get a sense of how much disparity exists between the problems that women face in marriage as opposed to men. I'm not saying that one gender's problems are "more important" than the others, but after years of women living in a world where some societies are male-dominated and never a female-dominated, this phenomenon you notice shouldn't really surprise you.

        Furthermore, I thought it might be interesting to use the following argument:

        "I habe noticed on this website that a lot of males constantly tend to blame and criticize women but give sympathy to men unfairly." -- It really does go both ways!

        On another, while I may not agree with every point that Sr. Sumaira has made, I think she points out some important things like:
        *possibly controlling husband
        *he sinned so the hurt caused will take time to heal--but I believe he should get credit for realizing his error and being regretful

        Anyways, peace to you and May Allah make it easy for this couple, Ameen!

      • Salam Brother,

        Where did I say it was 99% the op's fault or "men's fault" I was merely pointing out some things from his post that didnt add up or things he was disregarding that were important. He was saying she pushed him into this halal haram relationship. This is wrong as noone is responsible for another's person's sin. I did say "it takes two to tango!"He didnt explain what the issues were in their marriage that led to her leaving. She has not cheated on him or wasted his money or disregarding kids or commited a sin etc etc then I would have said its 100% her fault!

        I have seen men in my community who mostly want to control their wives mind and action. She is not allowed to disagree with him or have a life of her own. They abuse their position as protector and maintainer in the marriage and then say its their wives fault for not obeying their every command. But this can also happen vice versa with women! Also you can't marry a non muslim women expecting her to revert. Again its the control issue! Its her decision. Then he should have married a muslim women in that case.

        And yes sisters sympathise with other sisters suffering in a marriage because most sisters have suffered through agonising marriages so they can relate and offer valuable advice. But the same goes for brothers suffering in marriages, there is no distinction! Many sisters sympathise and give good advise!

        • First of all:
          You say that if she had cheated on him/wasted her husbands money then you wouldve said it was her fault - I doubt it very much. You genuinely come across to me as those women who, even in those situations where the wife is abhorrent to her husband - you would STILL defend her and blame the man.

          I know mem and have seen brothers doing speeches in moques defending sisters rights but I have noticed sisters NEVER sympathize with good men. I myself am ashamed to say non-muslim western men are generally better husbands to their wives than middle eastern men and Muslim men, but the large majority of women on this website come across as extreme feminists and man-haters.

          • Brother, this is the sea calling the sky blue. You generalize about women while complaining that they generalize about men. Why don't we all try to be more understanding and put ourselves in the other person's shoes for a minute?


  2. Hello Pakirebel,

    Firstly, I am not of the Muslim culture nor am I of the Islam religion.

    But, to add, I am in a long-distance relationship with a lovely man in Amman, Jordan. I am from Australia. We both write via email and Skype chat. We both respect each other very much and I hope to make Amman my home in the future. If necessary, I will convert to Islam. I am reading the Koran at present. He is in his early 60's and I am in my late 50's. We are both divorced.

    To reply to your letter:

    By reading your letter it seems that your wife is not of the Islam religion and has not changed. I'm assuming that she is of the Christian faith? You don't specify in your letter - but, no matter.

    It seems that you are very worried about your situation - otherwise, you would not have written in for help.

    A marriage cannot heal unless BOTH parties involved are prepared to take some responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage!! You state that your wife says the 'Marriage Contract' means nothing to her but a piece of paper!! It seems that she has a lot of anger still inside her that she has not yet 'let go of!!' She may 'see' things differently if she did!!

    Children are always the ones that seem to suffer when a relationship breaks down - they are the innocent ones in this. She feels resentful that you have spoken about the breakup with other friends and have made her look bad as a result. You also say that you don't want to instigate a divorce as yet, even though it is within your power to do so. The fact that you have not done that as yet, tells me that you still have hopes for the marriage.

    My advice would be to try and leave her alone for a couple of weeks or more so she can 'calm down' as you cannot discuss anything with someone if they are angry. You also need to 'listen' to what she has to say and you do the same!! Try and talk to each other 'without' the children being present, if possible!! They don't need to hear their parents' conversation so maybe leave them with relatives.

    You say that the children are showing signs of being disobedient and rebellious - this could also be a 'coping' mechanism for the children - they are also involved in this relationship too!! They need to be able to 'come to terms' with what's happening in their lives, too!! Sometimes, children are left out far too often as they are thought of as not being involved!! They are, even more so!! Their feelings need to be understood, too!!

    Don't 'throw' in each others face what you have done:

    1: You said you committed 'haram' by taking another partner. That was 'your' choice, not hers!! Maybe she feels 'betrayed' and 'hurt' in some way. She may never forgive you for that, either!!

    2: You also did not say what 'she' did, that you asked her not to do - so that can't be answered for you.

    You say you have been married for 14 years. That is a long time to be with the same person!!
    The problem that you have to think about is this: If you can't reconcile with your wife after several attempts, do you WANT to divorce? You may have no other option!! That is the question you have to ask yourself.

    For both your sakes, I HOPE that is 'NOT' the case at all!!

    I was married for 20 years before I divorced. Yes, both our children were grown adults - but it still has an affect on them no matter how old they are!! So, please remember that!!

    I hope that you both can find a way of reconciling - for both your sakes and for the children.

    But, you also must remember that you can't force anyone to live with you.

    I hope for the best outcome for both of you. You must be honest with each other and start from there!!

  3. Assalam alaikum,

    Is your wife Muslim? I ask because I was confused about "revert to Islam" part and how she refers to marriage as only a piece of paper. If she isn't Muslim, it may be difficult to hold certain expectations from her.

    You sound like you have accepted your errors and are very regretful. She obviously has not accepted this--perhaps the wounds from the turbulent time both of you experienced. Both of you have hurt each other...and it took time for this to happen--so now healing will also take time.

    I know it must be hard to admit your mistakes to her, but perhaps if you can ignore her comments for now--let her get it out of her system and then she can begin to come back to the good times you both enjoyed in the 14 years.

    I believe both of you need time before you start negotiating better terms...Also, whatever you do, don't try to use "for the sake of the children" as a tactic to repair your marriage, instead try using "for the sake our our love" instead.

    May Allah heal your marriage, Ameen.

  4. Salam brother,
    Your life is realy painful , but I told you one thing if you movie on haram way your life is very good , easy . You do what ever you want to do . But whenever you pray for allah to forgive you on your false acts. Then you face such time of problems in your life because halal wAy and true way is always difficult . You face many obstacles but not lose your heart. Just pray in namaz for your marriage life. And remember when a women once love you deeply , it's shows her blind trust on you once you broke her trust she will always loss her heart . Your wife stool love you just try to think it and live her alone . If you are true lover then allah save your marriage and your wife come back . May be it's your exam just pray for both of you and live every thing on allah.

  5. Start speaking her own language. She is taking revenge on you and doing this to make you suffer. Take her to court for conjugal rights. She will have to take khula, come back or be designated as unreasonable wife. Probably she is teasing you enough to give her a divorce. Women are like that. Sometimes they are weak to take a divorce themselves so they manipulate you into giving them one.

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