Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should a husband break a wife’s heart beacause of his respect?

Divorced couple split in two

Aslamualiqum:)

I had an arranged marriage with my husband in 2015 of fall, he was from air force in Pakistan.He was a good looking guy, educated family status and middle class. Where as I came from struggling background, which had a very little college education ( no degree) some college credits from community college and very little interest in education just aim for associate degree.

Years ago, my dad separated his path (divorce) because my mom was not healthy brain wise suffering from extreme depression or cognitive order where she never took care of herself or cared about herself and unfortunately never wanted to see a doctor. So she was sent to her country unknowingly , she lives alone and is a very innocent lady. I love her to my heart and wish to visit her one day. But I'm including this part to add that my background is very struggling life because of this fact. Also even now our house is not in peace due to my dad's new wife gives us a very hard time due to her abusive behavior . I wanted to get out of this house due to my extreme depression .The only advantage of her was because so he could get us married since he wanted his daughters to be trained an have a motherly figure.

Back to my marriage story that since it was the first wedding in my siblings, my step mom decided me to get married  because i have reached a certain age. There is one particular guy after one year of searching seemed like one of the best options. The thing is that some of his siblings were here in the United States due to them marrying citizens of the U.S and well developed family and business men and educated people. It seemed fancy and so beautiful. The whole arrangement started was when one of my step mom;s old friend said she knew a  family who is highly educated and their well known. His mom and my step mom had decided for our hand but we had to see each other so we did on Skype.

After two months, his  mother called  for a decision that she said he will agree but the fact was he wasn't interested in me i found out later on. She called right after the attacked had happened in Pakistan in the army school (she was lying on his behalf maybe to enter the U.S) . Why did the call came after 2 months, Maybe because i wasn't pretty enough or educated enough for him so she was probably arguing with her son to agree. I struggled to go to Pakistan, i had some difficulty with my visa and very difficulty was given it.

So i visited in Pakistan to meet this guy in person to decide if i want to marry him or not for sure. He seemed like okay guy, i just wanted to be away from my dad's wife and have a happy life. I thought i could became really good friends with my so called husband then. His older sister with kids and family and his mother met me 1-2 times, i was extremely sick those days due to the fact that  i went to Pakistan after a long time and eating out.At those times, his sister told my step mom that the guy wasn't really agreeniing and that they are convincing him. The second day I had a conversation with him about his future goals and needs. I spoke with him for an hour.I found out later They had said i wasn't light enough and pretty enough for him. He seemed like an average guy not to handsome.

So anyways the conclusion and decision was we got married after arguments and decisions also with my step mom brother who was helping out to arrange this marriage with these (strangers).He had to lose his 8 years job of air-force and his everything. He was living alone in Pakistan having a driver and a cook where its common. So we had decided to marry, i was a simple girl and was strictly from a strict family didn't even have a phone of my own. So anyways, we got engaged first. I came back to the U.S , and was doing lots of arrangements and also my step mom was doing tons of shopping in Pakistan for my wedding. My dad had put lots of money buying jewelry and everything. We did the wedding with our hearts.

So on my wedding day, i moved with my husband. We had done nika one day before my wedding. The first day, he was getting on me and seemed extremely sexually attracted to me. I was so shocked but was expected. I wanted to get to know him clearly before doing that so it wouldn't seem like we were eager for it. He had given me a ring in the hotel and said he loved me. I was very shocked and surprised.

While i started to live with him, i have noticed his temper would arrive very quick over little things . At first he seemed like he was shy wasn't very open in speaking but his actions were tremendous in ways he acted. I just wanted a friend who i could keep forever. i wanted someone who i could hug when i was sad. I had a very abnormal life and i wanted a life partner who could fix my mistakes. I had made much mistakes and i ask Allah's forgiveness for it.

While i was living with this family, they expected me to drive, finish my education and get a much higher degree, and be capable. I had came into a big family(joint) with his big bro and wife;s and his kids(house), boy's parents, and one more brother in law and his wife.It seemed okay at first while i was trying to learn the Quran that i was being taught by my mother in law. I had made a few mistakes when I came to the house where i was fighting with my husband in the room at night. I was frustrated and i felt like i wasn't loved.I had things going in my mind i had found out that they had a problem with my education . Also the main thing, they had a argument with my step mom one day before my wedding about my haq mehar. They said they don't believe in haq mahar. So because of that they had a lot of arguments going on before my wedding. I was told by my husband that the whole family wasn't interested in me and just out of mercy at the end agreed to it. I was hurt when he said that and I was tired of his sexual desires. He always wanted to do it . I felt like he didn't care to speak with me to share ideas, future goals or have any interest in my life. It was all about him.

We had spent lots of time together within this one whole year but i was started to feel very attach with him unfortunately.We had went out to restaurants with family and i had made food for him. I had looked good for him. I had done everything i could , i would get anger because its natural.All of the sudden, one day i looked at my husbands phone, i saw messages of girls. I just didn't like the frank messages of interest nothing dirty or anything. I was keeping it in for one day, and i told him i saw his phone. He was also in total shock that i found out. This happened around bakrah Eid.I had a habit of recording if God forgive something would of happened.

Me and my husband had some fights, his family knew about. He would work hard to find a job,was changing his job.But i felt that we could never seperate because i could not live without him.WHat i hated about him,that he loved to use my body which made me feel like he only had lust.I felt he would be kind of mean in front of his mom.

After only about 3-4days, i kept mentioning about the messages which pissed me off.HE got mad one day,punched my face,slapped me so hard many times.I was crying so bad and dying from a headache. I called my step mom, she told my bro,sis,dad.They all said for me to come to my dad house which i did and he also had his interview date for greencard after few days  which was missed due to fact i came to my dad house. A Lot had happened after that, within days i came back and my hsband was arguing with ny step mom for me to come back which she didnt allow.I showed her one of his recordings were he was being abusive caling me donkey and bad things n also threatning divorce.

Within the first month,there was a stong vibe of wanting me back but lots of argument went on both sides of family.They kept saying bad thibgs about me on phone to my step mom.They dont regret anthing and blame me for this.After some months,family decides to get rid of me.MY stepmom and dad said means things to them and they did too.They said i was crazy n all.MY stepmom goes with my dad to in laws to bring back my items i had left and jewrley.THey handed divorce papers, we didnt take then since we will,deprt him.MY step mom blames me for this well but i blame her.She is evil woman who couldnt solve this problem but made it worst. She tortures us mentally,physicaly,she is selfish,greedy,treats us badly.i hate her alot for bad things she doene with my dad.I am worthless.We will deport soon.

mahikhan

 

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4 Responses »

  1. so your husband was in airforce and decided to leave this prestigious job for a green card?

  2. Salaam sister. Being from the same background as you, our men seem to be pretty twisted(not all of them). Personally I am glad you ended it, judging by the way he was treating you, it was like the typical case of a sham marriage to become a non pakistani citizen. I plead for you not to return as you have no children with this man and no longer anything to do with his family. And insha Allah in due time may Allah allow you to meet a better spouse.

    • Assalamu alaikum,

      I agree with Al.

      Forget this horrible man, get rid and please don't entitle him the chance of staying in your country.

      It's no point blaming your stepmom. The guy is no good and yes a green card or a British Passport are highly sought prizes moreso than the national airforce of his homeland. @ Muslima- not everyone sees Pakistan as holy

  3. officially divorced.. nw

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