Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should he cut off ties with his childhood hurtful friends for me?

friendship

Salaam brothers and sisters,

I am a 23 year old muslim woman living in England, with my family. I met a guy who I'm currently in a relationship with, Frodo, via online by chance last year in March. Names in this story are changed for obvious reasons.

First of all, I'd like to humble myself and acknowledge that pre-marital relationships are haraam. But it's exactly why I tried to meet someone online, make a friend first. I do seek forgiveness from Allah for my own mistakes, but I need to try harder though, inshallah you can help me.

Prior to meeting Frodo online, I had just graduated with my degree in Journalism and had some spare time. I was reading a lot online, trying to learn more about Islam and life and trying to keep an open mind and watching lectures on YouTube, where I came across documentary-type videos from some guy in England called Foogle (Illuminati/conspiracy related videos). So I was continuing my search and while going through Foogle's videos, I stumbled upon a video about his holiday to France, with a group of friends. And thats where I basically saw Frodo, in the video. He was the only person shown in the clip, not Foogle or any of the others. Of course at the time, I had no idea whether it was Foogle himself but I was stunned. For days I couldn't get it out of my head and kept watching him; those 8 seconds. I never got stunned by anyone like that but there was something about him.

So I decided to investigate what this feeling inside me was about exactly; sounds like stalking but I was just curious. I noticed on the youtube channel that Foogle is from the city where my sister also lives with her husband (just two hours away from me), and so I automatically assumed this guy in the video lives there too. I tried to find out by more browsing but felt hopeless, and almost nearly forgot about this random dude. I felt sad, never felt that way before, as if I already knew him, like he was like a long lost friend.

A few days later, coincidently; Foogle uploaded a video about Facebook for fans of his videos, saying people ask him whether he has facebook etc etc. He said he wants to remain anonymous but has created a fan page for his YouTube videos. So I was like okay then, I'll become a fan because I obviously liked his videos anyway. I went on facebook and browsed his fanpage; went through the list of fans (still hopelessly hopeful that I might see that random dude's face again) and then I saw him. His profile pic was of the same day in that France video (same clothes/surrounding) so I recognised him easily. And ofcourse I finally saw his name and it wasn't Foogle. It was Frodo, a 22 year old (one year younger than me), Muslim of same nationality as me.

I never ever contacted anyone randomly. Especially a guy and than especially online. I see loads of nice looking guys every day, but it doesn't bother me, I don't even give a second look. But with Frodo;  I kept thinking God, is this a sign? So I sent Frodo a message on Facebook, a friendly message, nothing suggestive. It took me a lot of faith and courage as my first relationship ended pretty badly years ago and found it hard to trust anyone since. I was scared. To get to make a new friend but the feeling inside me was telling me it was love at first sight. I never believed in that, but I can't explain what I felt.

He replied few days later. We discovered we had similar interests and a lot in common, we both watch F1 racing for example. He even mentioned my website in his first reply to me, which I was very happy about as it was related to F1.

So I began speaking online with Frodo that March and we ended up liking each other quite a lot. Few months passed and seeing as he conveniently lived near my sister's house in another city, we eventually met in person for the first time, with my sister's consent of course - we were both aware of the dangers of meeting people from online.

Frodo and I met for the first time in June, after just talking online, I had not even heard his voice. It was a wonderful sunny day. He was so shy and modest and we hardly stared at each other, but we felt so much for each other as we shared so much just by talking online. We just walked and talked in the local park. He dropped me at the house and said hello to my sister and brother-in-law, he was very nervous but I got him to say hello. The first meeting went well. We continued to talk and we were 'falling in love'. We were truly happy. Until Foogle and his friends betrayed him, invaded our privacy and abused me. We really didn't deserve this.

We never even spoke over the phone once but I was able to tell my family about him after a few months (just because we are a very close family and don't keep secrets, it didn't mean I expected anything from him. I just didn't like to keep secrets or lie). On the other hand, Frodo was keeping me a secret because he knew his friends, one of them being Foogle, would ruin it being the immature young boys they are (his friends range from between 19-25 years, Foogle being 19). Frodo went to private school and he just finished uni studying engineering, so he's very well mannered and clever and generally mature. I just assumed that his friends must be decent too, i.e making good videos as I already saw. I was SO wrong 🙁

Unfortunately, Foogle and his friends were suspicious that Frodo had a love interest and asked him if he was talking to me. He denied it every time. Eventually they found out in July that I was speaking to Frodo through hacking his MSN chats (with me) and keylogging his Facebook login and email. We were both unaware this was happening at the time. But while we were chatting one night, a third party joined our conversation and Frodo realised our privacy was invaded and immediately told me to get offline. I didn't know Foogle was involved, I was unaware which friends were doing the mischief as Frodo never revealed names. I don't know why they felt they had the right to interfere with our private lives.

The next day, they stopped and apologised to him for the keylogging, but didn't apologise to me. I stayed quiet and supported Frodo instead, as he was feeling very upset and betrayed by his friends. I was angry but accepted that this was an issue between Frodo and his friends, not me and them even though they disrespected me. A few weeks on, I was beginning to resent his friends for doing what they did because Frodo wouldn't talk to me the same and was avoiding me. He gave me a hard time, distancing himself and then when I confronted him about it his reasons were - "let's just take things slow and not so serious". I obliged, even though it was upsetting, it looked like what his friends did made him a little depressed.

One night, feeling lonely and abandoned, I made a mistake by making myself vulnerable to more abuse by making my anger known to his friends on Foogle's facebook fanpage (one of his friends already tried teasing me on the fanpage before). As a result, I was being bullied on facebook by his friends, was sent disgusting emails insulting me and my family, and this was even happening on Foogle's very own fanpage. Frodo was on the fanpage at the time too, posting in discussions, but did not defend me AT ALL, as if I was invisible or he was deaf and dumb. But his excuse was that if he did openly defend me, his friends would still continue. They made vile comments towards me knowing full well I am a friend of his (when I was just defending another person under abuse). The following day they also insulted my sister who intervened seeing me so upset about it and she got angry with Frodo for not making them stop. She sent him a private message but he never replied.

Frodo didn't even contact me that night, to apologise for what was happening. I was so overwhelmed and shocked at his friends. Even more shocked at how he wasn't publicly defending me. So I broke up with him that night via sms, even though I always feared doing that because I was serious about him and our relationship for the long-term. He replied via sms the following day with much regret and it seemed like he didn't want to lose me. But he said I provoked his friend unnecessarily which made him angry, but I never expected them to cross the line did I?

Later that evening while at a wedding, to my utter surprise I ended up receiving prank calls on my mobile number from them and this carried on through the wedding till after midnight. These prank calls lasted for two weeks. You can imagine the stress I was going through, especially as they found out the address of where I live as well as where I work.

In a fit of anger, I found out his friend's home address and publically posted it on his blog. I did it as revenge but I instantly regretted it. It was immediately removed from the blog anyway. Then soon after it was removed; they phoned my HOUSE number an hour before Iftari, where my mother, sister and brother answered the calls. When my sister pretended to be me, his friend swore at me and said "don't go around posting my address you b****." Important to mention here is that these distressing calls persisted on my mobile during Sehri and Iftari times in Ramadan. It's absolutely sickening.

This whole time, Frodo was trying to stop them doing the calls, although he was away from them, busy with his own family and life. He told me he demanded them to apologise to me, but they just laughed it off. Frodo said they don't realise how serious it is and that it was just a bit of fun to them.

The most upsetting thing is this: in the prank calls, while Foogle and his friends were speaking rudely to my brother (who answered the calls), they began insulting him WITH the mention of Islam and the Quran. They started saying rubbish like "What the f*** do you know about the Quran" and talking rudely about circumcision etc. My brother said they said much more WORSE things and he has been very concerned about the type of person Frodo could be if his friends could behave like this. Muslims are forbidden from slandering others with the use of Islam.

This is very disturbing to come from someone like Foogle and his friends who put on this ridiculous facade of being good muslims spreading truth and light around the world with their youtube videos. Obviously, I was very concerned about the kind of people Frodo has around him, although I'm sure he wouldn't behave like that himself. He hasn't ever spoken to me rudely, sworn at me, disrespected me or my family. He only got insensitive and touchy to me when he was distancing himself and I was persistently asking him if he has cut off from his friends.

This whole time, I had respected Foogle simply for the work he has been doing, with the videos etc. I respected him as Frodo's friend. I never said a bad word against him or any of Frodo's friends. And this is what I get in return? I actually contacted Foogle regarding the abuse and to tell him to make it stop as Frodo is a good person and he deserves better than this. I had no idea Foogle was behind it all, I thought it was just the one other friend. It figured out that Foogle was the main culprit. Foogle is nothing other than a hypocrite and people like him are a cancer as far as Islam is concerned. And it worries me deeply that Frodo has friends like these, who can disrespect and harrass a generally kind and smart girl, her family and make threats to her and her family's safety for no reason whatsoever. I am very worried for Frodo, as people are defined by their friends and it saddens me if Frodo chooses to remain friends with these people.

Of course some people care about me and wanted to help and so my sister's colleague answered some prank calls and spoke to these stupid boys, to find out a bit about who they are. He also apparently managed to get a friend from MI5 to trace their calls. But my sister's colleague was continuely being harassed and it became serious. One of them even came to his house for a confrontation, and mentioned me and Frodo. I told Frodo about this, and he didn't believe it at all and said my sister's colleague is lying about these confrontations.

Frodo and his friends - they've known each other for over 15 years as they live in the same area and their families know each other. So, it has been a very difficult time for Frodo too, to have such immature and disrespectful friends to ruin what was a very special relationship to him. All he wanted was some privacy. He lied to them, to protect me from them. They were so hell bent on proving he was talking to me that they betrayed his trust and lied.

They totally ruined what was a happy, good and decent relationship between two people who really cared for and loved each other. I am heart broken, and feeling incredibly betrayed.

All Frodo could do to make them stop harassing me directly (the phone calls and emails), was talk to his friends and fool them into thinking he has rejected me and our relationship is over. He wrote me an email, which he showed them and they approved of it and told me the only way all the abuse would stop is to accept it, even though what was written was lies.

They stopped, but a few days later while I was at work I received another abusive email from them (Foogle). It was so upsetting that I couldn't hold back the pain and tears and had to leave the office. My manager saw me and comforted me. I told her my problem and she also agreed that he needs to forget his friends if he wants a future with me.

All this time, even throughout Ramadan, I had been losing my hair, I became weak and ill with the worry and stress. What Foogle and his friends did is unbelievable, even more so at the holy time of Ramadan. And what hurts the most is the person I love wasn't able to stand up to them. I just feel really deceived, I thought these were mature and sensible young muslim men 🙁 That's my fault I guess. All that glitters is not gold. Couldn't be more true with them. It is young muslims like them who give Islam a bad reflection. This is why it has been bothering me so much. Spiritually and mentally.

Since the events, Frodo had 'changed', he was hardly on MSN anymore, once he never replied to my text messages for a week blatantly ignoring me, I was trying to support him despite being treated like this by him and his friends, he was being rude to me, getting angry at me for wanting to discuss the issue. He said he saw me as someone he might have a future with but his friends totally ruined what we had. I tried giving Frodo space to deal with it, but I had no idea to what extent he was feeling hurt or if he even cared about me anymore because he deserted me at the time I needed his support and reassurance the most.

After the chaos, Frodo did admit that he felt pressured meeting me because my brother and sisters knew about him. He said he wanted to take things slow and not serious. That was fine with me. But as he was saying this after what his friends did, it felt like he was pushing me away. I sincerely want our relationship to work, despite what his friends did. But Frodo gave up at the first sign of trouble and said maybe we should just be friends. This totally broke my heart. At the time, I should've agreed. It was my mistake to let the pain overwhelm me and I couldn't leave him.

Foogle and his friends had snatched away my dreams and my happiness. They hurt me so much that I cried every night wondering why.

I don't know how his friends got my mobile number. Frodo said there's no way he gave it to them. Some information about my family (i.e names) they actually got through hacking our MSN chatlogs and facebook messages, but my number was never revealed in those. And recently, one of these stupid boys who came to my sister's office (she wasn't there) and met her collegue and they told him they knew I was in the city with my sisters, and that they saw us. I told only Frodo I'd be in the city (expecting him to meet me and apologise to my face like a real man would) but he never replied or mentioned a meet-up. During the time of my sister's collegue's accusations about Frodo and his friends, it was very disturbing for me. It was her collegue's word against Frodo's. The problem was getting so messy that it also caused conflict between me and my sister, because I felt her collegue was stirring trouble.

Sounds dumb, but it wasn't love at first sight. It felt as if I knew Frodo from before. It really felt like he was a sign from Allah, like a test. That's why I can't let him go. I can't.  One day Frodo told me it was fate that we met, through so many coincidences which I can't say now.

It just makes my blood boil seeing Foogle get away with causing such distress to other people. How can he behave in such a way to a life long friend like Frodo and to harass a girl he cared about? He just wanted privacy.

The thing that keeps flashing back in my mind was that day I broke up with Frodo and when the prank calls started. I was crying infront of my family, I tried to be strong, but the pain was unbearable that I couldn't hide it. My sisters, my brother, all saw me crying my eyes out for Frodo. My brother even started to cry, seeing me so sad. I love him so much. I wanted a future with him. I seeked Allah's blessings, before stepping into this relationship. I thanked Allah every night for bringing a friend like Frodo to me. I prayed to Allah that He would not take Frodo away.

So during those horrible months since July, we started talking again in December, mostly by my initiation. Frodo told me what he said to his "ex-friends" - "I told them how what they did has hurt me and you badly, how upset they made us both, and at the time I said I can't consider you as my friends anymore because of what you've done". Of course, this seemed enough for me but to know he couldn't separate himself from seeing them ocassionally hurt me a lot.

Earlier in November my brother emailed Frodo to get to know what he's about and how serious he is about me. Frodo found it difficult to put things into words and despite my constant reminding, his reply was delayed till February! I fell badly ill with the flu (so did my brother) and he would always ask how I was feeling each day, even twice a day. We continued talking online through into the new year and by mid-February he finally phoned me one morning, without warning. He phoned a few more times and we got on really well. But he never actually apologised over the phone or said anything to me in regards to our issues.

It was March, and I was visiting my sister. We planned to meet for the first time since everything happened. Having met him for only one hour last year and all the chaos since...it was scary. He was also scared. We met, I stayed silent and waited for him to apologise and explain. He seemed sincere. For 3 days in a row we met, we were comfortable with each other, and shared the hug I longed for so much all those months, to feel his presence and love. Then on the final day, by much of my persistance, he agreed to meet my family and show his face.

My mum, sis and bro-in-law were very kind to him, gave drink and snacks, chatted casually, asked about his studies and family etc. Then of course... the subject of what happened with his friends was brought up. He was asked why his friends did what they did. He nervously fiddled with his scarf "I don't really know why" - which is what he always said to me at the time too. He was also told that he cant have anything to do with those guys if he loves and respects me.

They asked him why he isn't ready or able to tell anyone about me, in his family. He just said he is a very private person and doesn't want to get families involved too soon, as we're still patching things up. Plus, he said his family wouldn't get angry or anything that he has a 'girlfriend' but it's just not right for him yet. He told me months before he'd be fine to tell his family about me once we're both ready to get married. I do wish he could tell at least one member of his family about me, but it's his decision and I've respected it... even though I don't agree with him.

I wish my brother was there to talk to him but he couldn't be. It was actually my brother's wish that Frodo come to my city to visit me, to ask for forgiveness and to patch things up. Frodo was always hesitant to agree to travel to me and didn't know when he could, or what he'd say to his family as he never travels alone etc. That upset me a lot. Eventually, I succumbed to visiting him because I forgave him anyway.

We met a few more times at his city because its more convenient as I visit my sister there every other month anyway, eventhough I kept asking him it's not fair he hasn't come to visit me. He'd phone me but he even stopped calling because he couldnt use the house phone due to his parents getting suspicious from the phone bill, and he doesnt have a decent mobile tarriff either. I'm unemployed at the moment too so I can't afford long phonecalls. So we havent spoken over the phone for about 3 months.

We still had arguments about his friends and horrible days of conflict due the issues from last year. I had doubts before getting back together with Frodo, that he was still seeing/talking to Foogle and the others who hurt me. I was always 110% honest with my feelings and I would ask him straight up if he was lying to me about having stopped seeing his friends. Frodo kept reassuring me that he was trying to cut them out his life for me, that he wants us together and is trying. I believed him and since December, I trusted him. I had doubts now and then, and he'd get angry at me for doubting him, but he was still lying to me. The doubts continued till I couldn't take it any longer and during our chat online I asked him straight up if he's been seeing those guys behind my back. He admitted it.

After 7 months of getting back together, I found out in July this year that he has been still seeing them and never cut them out of his life. I was heart broken again. I felt betrayed, more hurt than what last year caused. The only reason I got back together with him was based on him sacrificing those horrible 'friends' of his, as they never apologised to me or acknowledged their wrong doings to me. I broke down, and despaired. I trusted him; he abused it. I was in despair that night he admitted it. I begged him to leave them, because I can't leave him, I don't want to. Begged him, even though I know I deserve better. He said he was actually avoiding them since last year's stuff happened, up until December just after we got back together. He said he was trying but it went wrong and he was too scared to tell me, too scared of what I might do; too scared to lose me. He said he lied because he didn't want to lose the best thing that happened to him. He admitted he was weak and a coward, he said he had no other friends to hang out with.

He had been going to the gym since January with Foogle's older brother (who knew about me and what happened, he betrayed Frodo and got him to admit he was talking to me). But Frodo obviously put that behind him and didn't mind seeing them once in a while. He felt very remorseful for betraying me, the lies. When I said I might have to let him go, he panicked and told me not to leave, that he has learnt his lesson this time around, that he WILL be honest from now, that he WILL cut those guys out of his life, that he WILL take actions now to fix this and he is WILLING to do it for us and our future.

He said it had been eating away inside for months lying to me and he wouldn't forgive himself for doing such a huge wrong to me. He sent me flowers for the first time the next day to cheer me up. I couldnt talk to him at first, but a few days later I missed him so much, so we ended up talking online again like normal, laughing and joking, but I'd break down at times and we're back at square one from last year - nothing's changed, except we love each other more but the hurt caused is greater. His friends are the reason I found him but they're also the wall between us. Frodo needs to break that wall down. His friends do not know we got back together, he hasn't said a word to them about me. They think I was history back in August, when he 'dumped' me with those emails which they saw.

I suggested him two plans to make this work, to cut them off. He said neither are practical (one being to tell them everything and give them the reason, the other being to simply avoid them at all costs.) So I don't know what to do. I found it so difficult to forgive his friends for what they did to us, to me and my family. It's been a year, I've been hurting because of what they did. Only now, this month, I've tried to forgive them. I told Frodo I forgive him for his own betrayal and lies and I still love him, but forgetting what's happened isn't going to go away unless he does something. I've sympathised with him and his own pain of sacrificing life long friends, friends he's had since he was 6 years old. These friends all live very close to each other, so it's inevitable they bump into each other, like they did at the park once and it was recorded on mobile and uploaded to youtube (which is why I still had doubts of his honesty). On that ocassion he said they just bumped into each other and they asked him to join in a quick kick-about of football, then he left them after a few mins. He maintained that at least that ocassion was the truth.

He is a very forgiving person, too nice, he is shy and quiet, he told me to let Allah deal with them, and that they're not worth any more pain. But how can he forgive and forget when they treated me this way and haven't even apologised? I feel like he doesn't love or value my respect enough to sacrifice his friends. Seeing how much it's bothering me, for a year, he seriously needs help and a plan to help stay away from them if he wants us to be together in peace. I've become so hopeless that I told Frodo yesterday that it's ok - he doesn't have to cut them out his life completely. I just expect him to avoid their company; stay away from the unkind, unpeaceful and evil acts like they committed. Frodo is a sincere and genuine guy. He just has problems in dealing with and controlling these issues. We are young, after all. But I've seen and been through more in my life than he has, and I'd like to think I've been trying to help him do the right thing by rejecting his friends. He needs to grow up. His honour and respect is my honour and respect. Am I wrong in expecting the same from Frodo?

He told me something he never said before - a few years ago, he just suddenly avoided his friends. Like completely stopped talking, seeing, any form of contact. He doesn't know why he did that but he felt at time "stuff them". For about 3 months he said, his friends kept trying to contact him, Foogle the most. Eventually Foogle spoke to Frodo's brother to ask if he's ok. Then when Frodo came back out his cave, his friends accepted him back straight away, despite doing that to them. He tells me this, as if pointing out their loyalty to him and so he owes them loyalty too. What am I supposed to feel? Feeling very insiginifcant. Jealous almost.

Another thing I want to mention is Frodo's dreams. Ever since we started talking, he's had dreams about us. He is constantly seeing visions of me at his house, part of the family. Even when we broke up, he admitted still having those dreams. He also dreamt of his friend dying in a plane crash (I see that as a metaphor of losing a friend he trusted and they betrayed it - according to dream interpretation websites).

Also, I'd like to point out that at the time we first spoke online, Frodo's parents were doing Umrah and it was during this time he dreamt of visiting my house. He had dirty trainers on. He was speaking to me in my kitchen. Then suddenly my family arrived home. And he panicked. My dad saw his dirty trainers and said "please remove shoes when inside the house" and Frodo was removing them but then my dad said "it's ok, leave it for now, but next time...please". Then after that his family also arrived to my house, for dinner. Another dream he had was seeing me sitting with his mum at home. Another dream he had was my mum and his mum meeting and talking at his house. Another dream...most recently, was my mum pleading to him, crying, to stop hurting me and to leave me. Then after this dream, he dreamt again of me at his house, like normal, part of the family, sitting with him and his brother. There are many more symbolic dreams he has had. I told him I do not want to wait too long to get married. He's adamant that it'd be at least 4 years till he's ready. But I am unhappy about him not even talking to his mum about me yet.

What else can I do to move on with the love of my life in peace? I know I also made mistakes during last year in dealing with his friends' behaviour but I actually wanted to make amends and clear my conscience of any wrong on my behalf by even apologising to his friends, but Frodo kept stopping me from contacting his friends again knowing I did nothing wrong. He said he doesn't want them to know about our relationship and that they won't apologise either and our private business should stay private. But his friends' are the sole reason for the conflict in our relationship so how can it stay just between us?

There are days when we'd be talking fine, but then it all comes flooding back to me, nothings changed. It's like he selfishly expects things to be normal when he hasn't even called me. I don't say a word to him for a day or so, he asks "whats wrong?" and I can't be bothered to say the obvious "you betrayed me and broke my faith and trust in you". But I said it anyway today and told him I'm going to confide in my brother about this and seek his advice; about Frodo's lies, seeing his friends behind my back and his general lack of commitment in a relationship where I NEED to have his trust, respect and support after what I've been through.

Frodo replies to me with "I know it hurts a lot still, one day we're ok with each other and the next you dont wanna talk to me... beginning to see a pattern now, we can't keep going on like this. You don't even ask me how I'm doing inside, in general with life. It's not easy for me either. You only wanna hear what you like, and if you dont then you think I hate you or dont love you. I've stopped being that liar now. Feels like you've been pulling me up a hill for a while, dragging me. Almost like that day [when we spent the day sight-seeing together and he dropped me home - he was so tired he couldnt walk up the steep hill my sister's house is located on so I took his hand and literally dragged him lol]. Sometimes I feel a bit forced by you, but indirectly. I love you so much but we're in a real mess. Emotional as I say this, this one hurts, we're in a mess and I really dont know if we'll emerge still as one."

It hurt me, him saying I'm dragging him along. He's says we're a team yet he can't put the effort in? And I'm always concerned about him and his wellbeing, even if he has the slightest back ache from gym training it hurts me, I get sad. I've tried asking him about 'life in general', but he never says much in past experience and when I feel like asking he's cold and I feel like he doesn't want to let me in. I'm scared to ask now, in fear that it's probably not all good because of me. He never talks about it, he's a private person, and rather not even think and wants to change the subject or if we've talked seriously he says "enough of this talk now". I told him I can do him a favour if I'm dragging him along in this relationship by leaving him and not bothering him again. He said he doesn't want me to leave. He said he's sorry for ruining my life, and that he doesn't care about his life anymore. He said he's really confused and feels totally rubbish about it.

So how can we move on if Frodo is willing to change his ways but doesn't know how - especially how to cut his 'friends' out his life? Sometimes I find it very difficult to keep my pride aside, and stop talking to Frodo and wait for his actions to start doing the talking because quite frankly... he has a lot to make up for if he's serious about us.

Evenstar.


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16 Responses »

  1. no wonder they call it fitnahbook, sister get out of this you are 23 and he is a very young 19 i dont no what else to say i could not read your full post sorry but this is not good these young boys are having a good laugh at your expense. you should end this.

  2. Dear Zenaa, he is 22 (a year less than me), it is his friend who is 19. But thanks for your comment 🙁

  3. Now thats you've come this far, it really must end in one of two ways. 1. You get married or 2. You don't get married and move on and forget about each other.

    I think purely for the sake of 2 innocent parties, or at least 1, you shouldn't marry anyone but each other.

    What you've done and are doing is not on, it's haraam, I can't believe your parents didn't come down harshly on you and stop you from the haraam method of communication.

    Please just stop the haraam communication and fix it so that it is halal.

    If he's not ready to marry or doesn;t want to, you must move on. I personally think you should marry each other given the history, but not before you become good muslims.

  4. Hi sister,

    Basically your boyfriend Frodo must have enough courage to make his friends understand you are his future and he would have to expect his friends to respect and accept you.If he is not going to stand up for you, then there is no point of being in relationship.It is basically your boyfriend Frodo responsibility.Frodo can speak his friends and make them understand.True friend will respect his decision and will support him and in turn they will accept you.They are true and mature friends.

    If those Friends will have any problem , then Frodo must leave those friends and he must support you.Find out if your boffriend can that for you in the near future.Please make this point clear to him.else there is no point.I dont undertsand why Frodo is getting scared to let his friends know that you are his future.He must tell them in nice way and he also must tell them he dont want his friends to disrespect you.True and real friends will undertand his feeling and will stand by his side.Even if they dont(for time being), later point of time they will undertsand Frodo feeeling and expecting and they will get reunited.

    Please find out if he can stand up for you and ask him clearly about this.If he is not able to do, how can you beilve he will stand by your side in future?He must prove himself.Give him some time.Tell him you will continue in relation once after he is able to stand up for you in front of his friends.So he will decide whom he considers the most important.He is a man, sister.Dont worry.He will stand up for you.InshaAllah evreything will become fine.You seems to be nice soul.Your boyfriend too.But he must develop some courage and confidence.That is what he is lacking.It is his personal life.Noone is supposed to ineterfere.He must demolish the wall between yourself and him and instead that wall should be build between all his friend(who is trying to inetrfere) and you both guys, so that you are safe along with him.

    If he is not able to do this, you must move one.Might be one day he will relealize and come back to you and when he is comming back he would have already had the enough courange to let the whole world about you.He must miss you, if he has to understand the value of you sister.Please give him space and let him grow up.

    I will pary for you both and InshAllah everything will become smooth and nice.

    • I told him yesterday, what you said. But I told him all this last year... it's like I've been repeating myself 100 times 🙁 I am so tired and drained. I told him I think it's best we end things and I give him time and space to make his decision seriously. I miss him so much 🙁 he's been my best friend - when things haven't been going my way at home and career wise he's always been there for me. But inshallah... as you said dear Aslve... maybe he will miss me and realise my value and find the courage 🙁 I hope he does. He's a good person. We do want to marry each other. Obviously, not just yet because we're not ready financially etc

  5. Evenstar,

    Your post is very long so I didn’t read though it all but I read to the point where I have a good idea of what’s going on.

    Firstly, I want to make this very clear as although you stated that you know this it seems as though you’re not really caring about this much—pre-marital relationships are haram in Islam, period. It doesn’t matter if it’s face to face, online, or even behind a curtain where you can’t see the person’s face. That’s irrelevant. Do you see the mess you’ve got yourself into?

    I can understand that you felt instant attraction for this guy but where you went wrong is when you started listening to shaitaan’s whisper (i.e.: is it meant to be, I haven’t felt this way before, etc). One thing led to another and finally you guys met up. You can’t justify your actions by saying what I’m doing is okay because it started off online because it progressed and to the extent where your family and you are being disturbed and distressed.

    In regards to this guy and his friends; they both need a lot of growing up and maturing to do. The friends he has are not real and he needs to seriously decide if he wants these people as life long friends. I’d never want my future husband to have such friends; I’d call them losers instead of friends. He’s been friends with them for 15 years but what are they giving him in return? He can’t even be honest with them and tell them that he is interested in a girl with the intention to marry? Is that what we call friends?

    And the guy you’re with does not have the gutts to stand up to his friends, is that the type of guy you want—someone who can’t stand up for the truth? I’ve seen numerous guys who are like him—they never leave their friends, they’ll leave the girl instead. I’m not saying that’s how he is but he should have stood up for you if he is serious about getting married. Do you think a husband will take crap from his male friends if they abuse his wife—no way!

    I think you’ve got yourself into a whirlpool of mess and you need to end this relationship, yes, no matter how dashing this guy is, no matter how loving he may seem, he’s not someone I think you’ll be happy with. He doesn’t have the ability to take a stand for the right thing and if things started so rough what will the end result be?

    You seem like an intelligent girl but at the same time I feel like you are desperately waiting for a guy to come in your life to love and nurture you—you have all rights to dear sis but the path you’re choosing is wrong. It’s full of illusions and not everything that is glittery is gold. Your heart knows deep down that if he truly loved you he would have taken a stand; he would have introduced you to his family, told them he is serious about getting married.

    My brother met a girl a few years a go who is from another race (he was about 20 that time) and although my mother was okay my father blatantly rejected her because she wasn’t from our culture and according to my dad the majority of people from “that” culture are promiscuous and do not know much about Islam. However, the girl is very similar to us and holds many relevant beliefs that we believe in so my brother remained firmed and exercised his rights. My mother made it clear to him that she would not condone him and her meeting all the time and that it’s best they get married once he settle down asap so they stopped meeting. They will now be getting married soon inshAllah as he has finally settled down and my father has also agreed to their marriage.

    The reason why I am giving you this example is that the man who wants to marry a girl he truly loves will do so regardless of the hurdles he has to face—he will voice his love in front of the whole world because he is not scared, he has pure intentions to marry—he is not looking for fun or time pass. This guy wasn’t even willing to introduce you to his friends, they found out. Why do you think that is? He was scared that’s for sure but he doesn’t even know how to stand up to his friends, do you think he’ll ever be able to stand up to his family (if they are wrong in the future)?

    All I can say is that if you proceed ahead with this relationship, you are in for a bundle of misery and I’m not saying this because this guy is bad. I don’t know him and I can’t judge him. But from what you’ve written what I can tell you is that you both need to mature and grow up before you decide to choose somebody for marriage. You must also take the right steps ensuring that you are protected and that means involving both your and the guy’s family asap into the picture. Guys who don’t want to introduce a girl to their family are usually up to no good; trust me on this one!

    -Helping Sister

  6. Thank you so much HelpingSister, for your advice and patience reading such a long post...alhamdulilah I am understanding what you say, infact I knew these things before, my sister also told me the same...but I wanted to give him a chance and I really thought he changed 🙁

    I will be trying my best to stop this haraam relationship now. Please, pray for me to have strength...and for him... pray he makes the right choice and realise his mistakes.

    • You are welcome Evenstar,

      I will make duaa for you inshAllah but not only will I pray that Allah swt give you strength to end this relationship but also that you realize your mistake and make the right decision for yourself. This guy is clearly watching out for himself so why are you being so humble and letting him walk all over you? It’s about time you take control and watch out for yourself because he clearly isn’t watching out for you.

      I just read the other half of your post right now and realized that this guy didn’t even introduce you to his family and is making excuses (and I didn’t even have to read your entire post to make that assumption in my previous post—see where I’m getting?). I know exactly where this guy is going with you and I know this because I see it happen all the time—it’s better that you cut your losses now and end all contact with him, period.

      And trust me on this one, if you don’t he will leave you at the end. Nauzubillah I am not “predicting” the future but I am telling you based on my own experiences, common sense and the probability that guys who make dozen excuses to not introduce a girl to their family or friends are 99% of the time up to no good. I don’t need a crystal ball to tell me that.

      May Allah swt give you the strength, wisdom and control over your nafs to make the right decision. I pray that you do not end up like those girls who get walked all over and dumped and then realize how naïve they were, ameen.

      -Helping Sister

  7. @Aslve: thanks to you also, for being gentle.

  8. Dear Sister

    Please for the sake of Allah break the releationship trust me if he really loved you he would never let any one treat you bad or abuse you you life with Frodo will be a mess put him behind you & move on you can do it

  9. If possible... I'd also appreciate brother Wael's view on my situation. I have huge respect for him in particular, I love his website Islamic Sunrays. So please Wael, if you can!

  10. Salaams sister

    After reading your story, I feel quite upset at frodo and his friends for treating you like this.
    If he truly loved you he would have stood up for u a long time ago, whether it be to his
    Friends or family etc. Please do not persue this relationship as I think you would only end up
    more hurt then you already are. The fact that frodo has not made his 'friends' apologise
    for treating you like this shows that he places them and their opinion above you (even if he tells
    you another story in private).

    You seem like a lovely girl, may Allah bless you with someone who respects you
    and is trustworthy.

    Please do not waste more of your time in this haraam relationship as it will not take you anywhere.

    You need to take some time and heal, and inshaAllah if you are ready to get married to someone,
    inform your parents and make dua and Allah will bless you with a wonderful spouse.

    Please remember, true love only comes AFTER nikah. So what you are experiencing now is your nafs and
    shaytaan.

    I wish you well sister!

    • Wasalaam,

      Thank you for your message. It hurts a lot, yes, but Frodo did try and get his friends to apologise to me - they refused. He said that was the truth. I just feel torn apart - is it really his fault if his friends are like this? It's like he is paying the consequence for their misdeeds, if I leave him. All Frodo's concern was about privacy. I'm trying to understand his position, not just mine.

      But I understand completely what you're saying, I know it myself. It's just hard :'(

  11. Salaam dear editors,

    I am requesting for this story to be deleted/removed if possible, I would be very grateful. I do not feel comfortable with it online any longer. Many thanks.

    • We don't delete posts once they've been published and answered. Others may read it and benefit from the answers. Since you changed all the names in the story, you don't have to worry about being identified Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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