Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I ask my ex if we have a future together?

Salaams,

I was hoping to get some relationship advise and gain some input from a female perspective

I am a man who is 31 years old and the lady in question is 28. We originally met via a matrimonial site and quite soon marriage talks were on the cards. They was a few mishaps around istikhara and things ended abruptly within 6 months of knowing one another. Because of the emotional involvement their was a lot of 'drama' predominantly from my side that followed.

Fast forward a year later and we are both single and now back in communication. We haven't fully discussed what happened and admitted we were both stressed and had issues. Now AH we are speaking semi- regularly for the past 2 months or so, exchanging texts and calls. Their is some resilience from her side as in she continues to be active on the matrimonial site, also she can sometimes take hours or days to respond to my messages. I have swallowed it all with a bitter pill and tried not to create any commotion. We have pleasant exchanges as if nothing has happened, and to her credit she does have a very busy job.

My question is do I confront her and ask her if we have a future together and take the 'alpha role', or do I continue to 'woo' her till she suggests we get marriage back on the cards? Non muslim counsellors have suggested the latter, but from a muslim perspective what would be your opinion? We are both professionals working in the same field and of the same cultural heritage? We have tried to meet but she has had credible reasons not too, would this conversation best be done in person or on the phone as meeting is proving difficult?

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7 Responses »

  1. Brother,

    Take what I say seriously because it took me a long time to learn and understand this topic. Based on what you've said about the situation between you and the lady you like, there's seems to be very little chance that you and she have a future. The first indicator is that you have to ask her whether you have a future together. If you feel uncertain, it's probably because you've noticed she's not acting the way an interested woman acts.

    You mentioned drama predominantly from your side, and that's probably because she's rejecting you but in a way where it's not very direct, so you're being rejected but feeling encouraged to continue because she's sending you mixed messages. A lot of women often play that game, and it's quite a dishonorable and sinful game that hurts the feelings of men, especially good and righteous men.

    You've known this woman for a while now, but you don't fully feel or know where you stand, and that's by design. Women almost always know how they feel about men they know, so I'd say you're being played, but in a very sly way that is not easy to notice or detect.

    You also said she's active on the matrimonial site, and that's not surprising. This is why you are not making progress and don't know where you stand with her. She's speaking to and looking for other men. If she really wanted you, she would have already told you or behaved in a way that would make it obvious.

    Finally, as for the advice you've been given, it's very bad advice. You have already wooed her, and her response was not positive. This means any further or additional wooing will result in failure. Continued wooing, based on her low level of interest in you, will backfire and actually cause her to move even further away from you. Being an alpha male in this situation would require you to leave her completely alone, no more calls, texts, conversations, asking her about where you stand with her.

    Meeting up with her is difficult because she does not want to see you. Believe me, when a woman likes you and wants to see you, there will be no difficulty on her part at all. You are being strung along and played in quite a sly and crafty manner. You must break all contact with her. Let her know what you want (marriage) and that not getting that serves as grounds for no contact at all. You'll have contact with her only when or if she's changed her mind about being with you. Trust me, she's already checking out some other guy that she feels with whom she'd like a future. If it were you, she would have already let you know.

    Don't continue to torture yourself by being subjected to her games. Honorable men seeking marriage are not supposed to have their hearts and minds toyed with, but there are muslimahs who play these wicked games with honorable men, and often the men they are choosing instead are not honorable. It's an abomination. Peace.

  2. I agree with what has been answered above , but she might probably feel the same about you since the drama was involved from yourside. She probably thinks the same is going to be repeated this time too, as months have passed and nothing has been properly fixed this time around too.
    If she is in contact with you , that can be taken as an interested behaviour in itself .
    I am not sure if you asking her makes you being an alpha male , marriage is one of the biggest decision of your life and if you think you can spend your life with her then go ahead and ask her in a respectable and honorable manner . Her not meeting you is so appreciative in this age of fitna all around us,take it positively instead of being negative . If there is no gurantee of future together why should she meet you anyways ? Make sure you guys are not crossing any islamic boundries set .
    You have mixed feelings about her and that suggests probably you are not serious about her and take her for granted, as since shes available and you are single too so you are considering her. If you had a chance and met someone else , would you have left her in a blink of an eye ?
    Ask yourself these questions , make dua and ask her upfront to end the confusion and save yourself and herself from any possible hard feelings . If she accepts marry her the right way if shes doesnt end it right away and move on .

  3. I typed a reply before , but i think it got lost .
    Your situation can have few sides , the above response is good and detalied and the same can be applied to the girls side , she probably thinks that this time around too there will be drama involved hence keeping the necessary distance.
    Her being in contact can be taken as a sign of interested behaviour just like you are talking to her with the intention if marriage .
    Marriage is a serious and one of the most important decision of your life, i feel since you are confused about her , you are not serious about her , if earlier mishaps were due to isthikhara what made you pursue her now ? What if there are again mishaps are you ready to face them and still stick with your decision of marrying her or you will give up like the last time ? Life is full of ups and downs and trials will always be present but what you do and how you react to them is what matters. We dont know the details of mishaps but few mishaps made you give up on her , do you think you can take the rollercoaster of marriage with her ? What if in this year you had met someone else ? Would you be still thinking about her the same way ? Or you are considering her again only because you both are single ? Are you thinking her as a rebound ?
    I am not sure about your alpha male role here . If you want to marry her ask her and end the confusion. Her not meeting you is appreciative in this time of fitnah , please make sure you do not cross any islamic boundary .
    If you are serious about her , ask her upfront and make arrangement for marriage, if not then leave her , being in contact and hoping and waiting is simple passive and wasting each others time and probably emotions. there is no point of being simply in contact and not asking or taking the appropriate steps , what are you waiting for here exactly ? Her to ask you , you think it will be different if you ask her ? What will asking you cause ? What are the risks involved ? Asking her and clearing the consfusion or leaving it as such and continuing with life . Have a set goal and act brother .
    weigh your pros and cons and act accordingly . Make dua and seek help

  4. Ask her directly, that's the only way you will know. As a woman, I would never take tell a man that I see a future with him, because I think men should be the ones that initiate this sort of conversation. I suspect I'm not the only woman on this planet that feels this way :).

    • I agree with Lindita, I would feel the same.

      Don't beat around the bush, be direct and ask. If you don't ask, you'll never know.
      If she says no- great, you can move on and focus on building your future WITHOUT her.
      If she says yes- great, you know where you stand and you focus on building your future WITH her.

      There's no point playing the "what if" game and overthinking and allowing waswasa to settle in your mind.

      All the best
      X

  5. Your opportunity with this girl has gone down the drain. What she's doing now is that she has you on reserve whilst she's out there searching for a better option. What you need to understand is that she's not your wife , so she doesn't owe you anything. If you don't like then leave her. This is how a man thinks. We don't sit on the fence and think and come up with excuses.

    Be a man and take charge. Tell her that you're only in communication because you want to get married. If she's in the same boat then get to know each other and get married simple. I don't know where the drama is coming from. And tell her to delete her account if she's interested you. Like why does she need the account if she has someone???

  6. She is well aware of why you are contacting her. If she was interested to get back with you then she would show no hesitation to meet up with you, of course in a halal way. She is just being nice and responding to you. I would not hope so much. Let her go, and if she is interested then she'll contact you. Usually, well not all people get back together after a breakup. Here is showing one sided interest. Pray istikhara. If it's meant to be then it'll happen...otherwise try to move on.

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