Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I be honest during the courting period even when I have sinned?

ConfusedHi dear sisters and brothers,

I have a problem which make me to think all day and night. I have been in a relationship and we had decided to marry each other. We did something which were sin and I did those only because I was sure of my decision and wanted to marry him.(I'm a virgin and didn't lose my virginity but he has touched my body and I did so with him).

But for some problems we didn't marry and he didnt really try to convince my family to get their agreement for our marrige and then easily left me! I was really sad for all those sins I did and always asked God to forgive me... after sometimes there was another guy who asked me to marry him... I didn't tell him anything about that relationship and after we became engaged the first guy indirectly has sent some really bad email to my fiance and changed his mind about me.

I did tell my fiance that I did some sin and wanted to be honest with him but he didnt believe me and thought that I'm a bad girl... he left me too... this was another really bad event that happened to me. Now there is another guy which asked me to marry him and I know that a Muslim cannot be alone and is advised to marry but I don't know what to do. Should I tell him the truth or no? If I tell him I'm sure he won't believe me and will think that im a bad girl.

If I dont tell him it is possible that the first guy show up and try to change the mind of this new guy too as he did before and the reason that the first guy is trying to destroy my life is that he didn't get accepted by any other girl after we didn't get married and is really angry to see me getting marriage proposals from other guys!!

please help me what should I do?

Should I be compeletly honest or no?

- flower2000

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10 Responses »

  1. Wow ur stuck! If I proposed to u, and I fnd out by other guys that u had been messing arnd, I would totally dump u rite there and then. But if u sit me down and tell me calmly that, u were engaged in such activities with another guy and did not go far enough to lose ur virginity and tell me u have truly repented, I might maybe then thnk about still having a relationship with u. But still u need to seriously repent for wat u have done. Knowing that u will marry someone doesn't give u the rite for, go ahead and do zinaa or whatever. So tell him that u are very sorry for wat had been done. Maybe he will over look it. It's better to hear something from the ones u love and not strangers. Hopefully u make the right decisions from now on.

  2. Flower2000:

    Alhamdulillah to know that you have truly repented from your sins. As humans we all forget and thus transgress the boundary of Allah. However, Allah is the most merciful and the door to receive His mercy and forgiveness through sincere repentance remains open for every human being, until his or her time ends in this world.

    You have two options in your hand now: disclosing your past including your sincere repentance or not disclosing anyting. If you do not disclose your past to the guy that you want to marry now, it is very likely that the first guy will reveal your past including some false accusation about you. I am therefore not very comfortable with this option.

    Disclosing your past sins including your sincere repentance is the better option because if would shut the first guy. However, before you commit yourself to marriage, you need to find out 'how appreciative and sympathetic the current guy is about your honesty and repentance'. I know of a relationship where the husband, who did a love marriage with a woman who previously had an unlawful relationship, reminds his wife how bad her character is every time disagreement or quarrel breaks out between them. That's why I am asking you to understand if he sincerely appreciates your honesty and if he sincerely expresses sympathy with your situation. Otherwise if he reminds you of your past after marriage for any reason, even jokingly, if would hurt you immeasurably.

    Unfortunately we live in a world where people are not very sympathetic. Make a lot of duas. May Allah find you a husband who lovingly takes you as a wife after truly appreciating your honesty and understanding your situation.

  3. Flower2000, Asalaamualaikum,

    Allah(swt) and His Messenger(saw) forbade us to disclose our sins to anyone, instead they advised us to make sincere repentance/tawbah.

    I understand you are feeling extreme anxiety, sleepness nights and fear in thinking that your sins may be revealed at any time, leaving you stripped of your dignity. But as you have learnt, this is one of the consequences of sinning, it has attached with it feelings of guilt and also paranoia of being exposed and humiliated. Your ex-boyfriend's behaviour is revengeful, bitter and vindictive and although he is causing you great harm by deliberately humiliating and shaming you; he is actually bringing more harm upon his own soul. You are worried that he will reveal your past to your potentials and by doing so ruin any chance you have of a good marriage.

    My advice to you sister, is this:

    1) Admit all your sins to only Allah and make sincere tawbah. Pour your heart out to Allah and leave your burdens and sins there to be washed away. Know that when you make sincere repentance, Allah will accept it and protect you. Ask him to continue to cover your sins and to give you Taqwa/God consciousness. Feel assured that anything that Allah puts you through after this sincere repentance is another test and ask Him(swt) to help you deal with it.

    2) Do not waste a single second more of your time living in fear of this bitter ex. Say Alhumdulillah that you did not marry him, as Allah saved you. Keep completely out of his way. Change your phone number and email address - if he can't contact you, he can't frighten you with his threats of shaming you. If he does find a way of contacting you, do not fuel his anger. Leave him be, eventually he will get bored and move on. Have faith in Allah that He(swt) will protect you, so do not go telling people out of fear that they will end up finding out anyway.

    3) If anyone questions you about your past, remember its exactly 'that' - its 'your past' and is between you and Allah(swt). As far as I am concerned, any decent God fearing, kind man will not dig into your past. Even if he knows you have had a past, he will remain quiet and cover your dignity and not judge you. Allah says in Surah Al-Baqarah, Verse 187 regarding husband and wife: "They are your garments and ye are their garments." One meaning I draw of this, is that a man and wife should be to each other as garments are to the body, i.e. they cover each other and protect each.

    So, if anyone does question you regarding your past, I personally think you should refrain from revealing to them your sins, even if that means you having to lie. I have heard on several Islamic talks (but unfortunately cannot quote any) that such a thing is considered a white lie and can be done to prevent further problems from spreading. If your sin is so obvious that you cannot keep it from the man, then let his reaction be a test of whether he is good husband material or not. If after hearing your sin, he is compassionate, kind and secure in himself - he will not leave you or make you feel low. Instead he will reassure you and continue to be there for you. Alternately, if he mocks you, taunts you and makes you feel low, then I do not think he will make a very good husband - because he is clearly judgemental and uncompassionate.

    So sister, let go of your sins by making tawbah, come to peace with Allah and vow to stay away from such sins for good. Waste no more time on this ex, let him do as he wishes, you cannot change him. You can only change your own reaction. So protect yourself by changing your contact details. Don't fuel the ex's bitterness. Know that Allah will protect you and if your sins are revealed again infront of this person by the ex, remember it is a bitter result of your sinning and ask Allah to forgive you and give you eemaan and wisdom to deal with it properly. Finally, remember your sins are between you and Allah and you must do your best to protect your dignity.

    Please read this extract from an article I read on the following website:


    From among the teachings of Allah's Messenger (salallahu alaihe wa-sallam) is to keep sins a secret matter. If someone commits a sinful act which is against the Commandments of Allah, or is against the moral character, or is such an act that may cause harm to one's honor, then he should keep it a secret and seek forgiveness from Allah in the darkness of night. The Messenger of Allah (salallahu alaihe wa-sallam) said: "My entire nation is safe, except al-Mujahirin (those who boast of their sins). Among the Mujaharah is that a man commits an (evil) act, and wakes up in the morning while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret, he says: "O Fulan! Last night I did this and that." He goes to sleep while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret but he wakes up in the morning and uncovers what Allah has kept a secret!" [Saheeh al-Bukharee]

    Zayd ibn Aslam narrated, 'At the time of the Messenger of Allah(salallahu alaihe wa-sallam), a man admitted that he had committed fornication, so the Messenger of Allah asked for a whip. He was brought a broken whip, so he said: "Better than this." Then he was brought a new whip…, he then said: "Lesser than this.' So, he was brought a whip that was used and had thus become soft, and the Messenger (salallahu alaihe wa-sallam) ordered that he be whipped with it (a hundred times). He then said: "O People! It is time for you to refrain from transgressing Allah's limits. He who commits some of these filthy acts (such as fornication), let him hide under Allah's cover, for whoever admits what he has committed, we will establish Allah's Book as regards him (by applying the warranted punishment for this sin)." [Musnad Ahmad]

    Abdullah Ibn Masoud (radiyallahu anhu) related, 'A man came to the Prophet and said: 'O Messenger of Allah! I have mingled with a woman in the far side of al-Medina, and I fulfilled my desire short of actually having sexual intercourse with her. So, here am I, judge me according to what you decide.' Umar Ibn al-Khattab (radiyallahu anhu) then said: 'Allah had kept your secret, why did not you keep your secret?' [Sharh Muslim]

    Similarly, if one becomes aware of somebody else's sin, he should keep it a secret. Allah's Messenger (salallahu alaihe wa-sallam) said: "He, who relieves a hardship of this Dunya (world) for a believer, Allah will relieve (from him) a hardship of the Day of Resurrection; he who makes easy an indebted person, Allah will make it easy for him in the Dunya and the Hereafter; he who covers a Muslim (meaning his mistakes and shortcomings), Allah will cover him in the Dunya and the Hereafter…" [Muslim]

    Abdullah Ibn Umar (radiyallahu anhu) related, "The Messenger of Allah (salallahu alaihe wa-sallam) once rose above the podium and then said with a loud voice, "O those who have embraced Islam only with their tongue, while Eemaan has not yet entered their hears, neither harm Muslims, nor mock them, nor try to expose their mistakes, for he who follows (searches for) the errors of his brother, Allah will follow his errors, and he whom Allah follows his errors, He will expose him even if he was in the middle of his home." [Saheeh al-Jamee]


    I will take this opportunity to remind you that we are in the last ten days/nights of Ramadaan and Layla-tul-Qadr could be in any of this nights. Sadly this beautiful and blessed month is leaving us, so please don't waste your time worrying about your ex. Allah(swt)'s Might is much much stronger than the harm this person can inflict on you. This is a good time to do tawbah and ask Allah for His(swt) help. Take advantage of this time, I hope the following will encourage you inshaAllah:

    The Prophet (saw) said: "Duas of three persons are not refused: a fasting man when breaking the fast, a just ruler, and an oppressed person, Allah's blessings be upon him". (Abu Huraira in Tirmidhi).

    One of the many recommended duas you can make is:

    It is narrated from Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her, that she said: I said: 'O Messenger of Allah, if I know what night is the Night of Qadr what should I say?.' He said: 'Say: O Allah you are embodiment of forgiveness and you love to pardon so pardon me.' [Ahmad, Ibn Majah, Tirmidhi]

    Best Wishes,

    SisterZ Editor

    • Jazak Allah khayr SisterZ for advocating a firm stance based on tawbah first, and then on dignity and the right to privacy. Your comment really clarified the issue, and you backed it up strongly with many excellent hadith.

      Wael Editor

    • SisterZ:

      I am also aware of the fact that people should keep their sins secret. However I have question: What would the sister do if her husband learns about her past from the first guy somehow then interrogates her? What would be her defense?

      • Stranger, I don't know exactly what she should say; being in that situation only she can judge what is best. But all I know and am sure about, is that if a man pushes and probes a woman so much that it becomes impossible for her to conceal her sins and past, then that man is not worthy of being a husband. I would advise her to walk away from such a man.

        If he is already her husband, then of course she is in a more difficult situation. In that case, I would advise her not to admit to any of the claims made against her. If she could not conceal it, then she would need to find strength from Allah to face the situation with her husband. I would be adamant in advising her that she should not belittle herself infront of anyone, of course she must feel shame for her sins but she shouldnt have to re-live her shame in front of her husband; it should be infront of Allah only.

        We are all sinful in some way or another, so who are we to judge anyone and put them on trial? And especially for a sin that someone has committed against his or her own soul and is between the self and Allah. What does that 'judgemental person' know? That person he is mocking and humiliating may now be beloved to Allah because of his/her sincere repentance. Being judgemental is one of the most ugliest traits I find in a person. May Allah make us all humble and compassionate.

        SisterZ Editor

        • Salaams Sister Z,

          Hope you don't mind me digressing a bit. But my soon to be ex husband would drive me to despair by indicating he has committed or would commit zina etc. He would argue that it was none of my business and it was between him and Allah. I don't agree on that if you are married and have wronged a spouse. What is the correct thing in that case?

          Also a family member said my husband should hide his wrongdoings from me and not boast about it? How is that fair to the spouse?



          P.S. Wael, pls don't ask me to post my query. It relates to the topic of concealment of sins that the post is asking about.

          • Hopeful, Asalaamalaykum

            I dont know what the correct thing is and I havent quite answered your question below, but these are just my personal thoughts on the matter.

            The whole point of concealing one's sins is because he/she feels shame and regret and does not want to be humiliated. Further if the sinful act is openly brought to the surface it becomes easy to talk about, eventually it becomes easy to admit to, eventually it becomes ok to do and soon enough theres no shame left in society regarding that sin. By revealing sins or such a nature, it can also cause the spouse to become jealous and suspicious.

            Just as I think being 'Judgemental' is an ugly trait, I also think 'Arrogance' is an equally ugly trait. If a spouse is boasting about his/her sins, that is pure arrogance and of course that is completely unfair for the recieving person. If someone is genuinely sorry for a sin they have committed and want to keep it between themselves and Allah, then why would they tease you about it. That is not humbleness. It is terribly arrogant and intended to hurt.

            In any relationship, dark things from the past may become known at some point. Hopefully one would pray and wish that their spouse was compassionate enough to be able to forgive him/her. If there is sincerity, humbleness and compassion present, it makes it easier to forgive and move on and still be together. But when someone deliberately sets out to mock a person, be it by trying to reveal their spouse's sins or by boasting about their own, I feel that that is just not the thinking or the character of a kind or good person.


    • Well said sisterZ.

      sister flower2000, if you stop keeping contact with your ex (The one causing you harm) there is no way he will get to know about you, unless you have common friends.

      Never ever give him your details, there is no way he will get email of your to be or husband is you don't give it to him.

      If you get a marriage proposal then marry don't wait for ages, at times when people wait for long they sin.
      You know that you are not a bad girl so don't fear him. If ever he pops up in your life when you are with your fiancee or husband, they deny what ever he says.

      I don't know what other brothers and sisters would say to what I am going to say: You know in your heart you are pure, you are a virgin, so don't fear him. To your fiancee, if you have to say a small lie to prevent that bax ex from harming you do it.

      Dear brothers and sisters do you think i'm wrong: Dear sister I would suggest that you tell you future fiancee that, you had a proposal from a boy but he was not good person so you broke up or you din't make it formal. so the matter stopped there. But that Guy seems to be obsessed.
      Its true I feel he is Obsessed and revengeful.
      I do agree its a small lie but its to protect you from any harm that this person may attempt. If you tell your fiancee this right from the beginning I don't think if your ex attempts to cause you harm he will be.

      Suspision is a slow drug. I Agree telling the truth is good but not all boy will understand some will fear.
      If the boy accepts you and trust you its good but there are cases where even after the girl tells the truth and gets married In times of anger, at times the husband may accuse the wife. Its just in anger that at times people say bad words. I personally know such a case thats Y I told at times a lie can save.

      What do other sisters think about it?

  4. the past is the past.
    So I think there is no point in bringing it up to your partner. Its between you and allah.

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