Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I choose to marry and keep parents happy now even though it would create big problems later?

Assalamu alaikum sisters and brothers,

This is the first time I'm posting and this is because I'm totally helpless and have no one else to turn to for advice.

I really like someone and want to marry him. Initially my parenta and family were against it eventually everything turned out fine and was on the verge of fixing the dat of marriage. But unfortunately some misunderstandings and arguments arose between both our families and the marriage was cancelled. My father refuses to ever agree to our marriage and says if i have to marry him then i will be disowned from the family and i would have to leave home with him. But i could not do that then thinking about how i would hurt them if i do that and how it would affect my younger sisters' lives.

So after sometime i decided that i would try to accept another marriage that my family wishes in order to make them happy.And they brought a proposal and i said yes to it because everyone was so happy about it and i didn't want to be the reason for their disappointment. But now i realise that i am still in love with the other guy and i no matter how much i try and do what my family wants i can't be happy. I'm so depressed that i cant even act to be normal around everyone. I'm so scared that this is going to affect the married life and later on cause much more bigger problems.

I have no idea what to do. I dont know if i should just go along with what my family wants from me and try and make them happy and not think about  what will happen in the future. Or if i should just ask to cancel this marriage, even though there would be a lot of  problems and cause my family to be embarassed now, but save everyone from a bigger embarassment later.

Could someone please also tell me if i choose to marry the one i want without my family's consent is that not allowed in Islam and will thay be wrong?  I know my parents are going to be hurt if i choose the man i want but I'm sure it will save a lot of bigger problems later on in life. But is that allowed in Islam? To choose to marry  the one that your parents dont like and agree to?

Please help me everyone. I have no one to talk to about this because everyone is like just agree to this and dont think about the past. But i tried my best. Help me please. There is such a short time and i have no one to turn to for help.

Jazakallahu khairan.

Wafa Nizar

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6 Responses »

  1. Salaam Sister,

    Sorry to hear about your dilemma, but just want to say that yes in Islam you absolutely have the right to marry of your choice and yes the parents agreeing is the most beautiful feeling.

    All I would say is that you must have someone in your family extended family who is or can be brought to your side to fight for you and with you. Try speaking with them again. Also get the guy and his family involved but always keep everything respectful.

    All I can say is that the term "the grass is greener on the other side" is so true when I read your issue. As I have an issue (see link) which I cannot resolve but I unfortunately in my case its a health condition so if I could have your issue instead, believe me, I would not let the chance go by. Do everything in your power to make the families agree. (MY STORY)

    As long as the person you want to marry has a good character and is of the deen and respectable then all other issues can be resolved or tried at least.


  2. Sister wafa,sister Zara say absolutly right you have right to marry of your choice you can act upon this what say sister zara its depend on you ,you want not hurt your parents its good if whole family agree for marriage they choose a guy for you you can accept this may be he is good for you and If problems create after marriage you family will be support you if you marry with such a guy they want not you marry after marriage they will not support you as your father say that you would be leave house what you would do after marriage so plz think about this .Sister sometime we become emotional and i can understand your situation its very difficult for you to take decision may be it is best for you.We think about one thing and we think this us best for us but not best for us ALLAH plan for us sometime we we do not like things but those things best for us ALLAH give us such things at that moment we feel burden but after that such things are best for us bcz ALLAH is best planner than us .Pray for me thanks

  3. I don't think you should get married to this man. Sort yourself out and then think about getting married to somebody.

    Your parents might get disappointed, but disappointment is an easier feeling to get over than a regretful and wrong marriage. In the end of the day, you're not getting married to please other people, but to be with someone you can create a happy life with.

  4. Your father is being so unfair. He does not have to spend one day with your potential husband. You do. You love someone else you were engaged to. Without knowing the details that caused the argument between the families, it is hard for a stranger to say it was good or bad for the engagement to end. But parents should not force their children into a marriage. That makes no sense. If you are in love with the first engagement, you parents are actually being cruel with ultimatums and forcing you to be with someone else. That is not Islamic. It might be awkward if you broke the present engagement, but it would be worse a year or two from now if you decided to end the marriage, and also be very hard for the man you marry.

  5. Please don't marry someone you don't like just to make your parents happy. Marriage is a life long thing, your agreement is just short term. Also please consider the feelings of your future husband. He's not going to want to be married to someone who just married him to make their parents happy.

  6. As Salam O Alaikum Sis

    You have realized that you still love the one whom you loved and cannot think about marrying the one who has been chosed by your parents. Well since the marriage broke with the one whom you love because of misunderstandings as you have mentioned but now you still want to be with him. Here i want to ask you, you still want to be with him going against your parents but WHAT ABOUT HIM and his family? Are they going to accept the alliance with you when you would be doing that against your parents wishes? Has he or they told you that they are ready to get you married to him? Everyone knows, no one can clap with one hand 🙂

    What would happen just in the worst scenario :-

    1 - You would break the marriage with the potential groom which your parents have chosed for you leading to there disappointment, embarrasment, insults

    But the most worst scenario would be :-

    What if the one you love and want to be with are not ready for your alliance ? Then what? Neither would you be of your parents and niether of your beloved and his family.. THINK OVER IT

    So what i personally feel is.. dont take some step which you might regret later. Take peoples abuses but never take anyones bad omens. Be concrete on your point only when you are assured about it.

    And finally, to be very blunt i dont think you should still feel for that person whom you love. If it was meant to happen even after you going through so much pain convincing your families from both end so much so misunderstandingd wouldnt have had happened for the marriage to be called off. May be you have something more better and the best insha ALLAH in this present marriage fixed by your family.



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