Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I disclose past trauma to my future husband?



I was pregnant at the age of 17, but I have given my son up for adoption. I have discussed it with my Muslim social worker and my parents. My parents supported me throughout my pregnancy. Alhamdullilah, my son is with his adoptive Muslim parents and in good hands.

It all started with chatting with a stranger in the net. I went to meet him and he brought me to his house. He threatened to hurt me if I didn't do sex with him. I didn't have any choice but was forced to do so.

Until now, I have phobia with guys. It was a traumatic experience for me. Every night before I go to sleep, I will always think about my future. Should I tell my future husband about my pregnancy before and I gave up my son for adoption? If yes, how should I tell him? I don't want my future marriage to be ruined when he found out about this. If no, in future, what if he finds out about it as the hospital documents will show the order of birth? I really need answers and advices.

Thank you.


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11 Responses »

  1. asalamo alaykum, I am sorry you had to go through that 🙁 but it would be best to not tell your husband because it is in the past and do your best to try and not let him or your future in laws find out. After all, everything that happened was not your fault and it is between you and god, it has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. I hope you are blessed with an amazing loving good hearted man inshallah who will help you over come your fear. xx

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    InshaAllah you will be able to find a husband who loves and accepts you, with whom you can heal from these experiences.

    If you feel these events have had a lasting effect on you, it might help to speak to a counsellor to help overcome this - you should be able to find one either through your GP or your local sexual health/family planning clinic. Don't give the man who hurt you any more of who you are, and don't let him spoil your future happiness.

    You have my respect and appreciation for having given birth to your son and ensuring he has a family - Alhamdulillah. Sadly, many girls in similar situations end up turning to abortion, so I am happy to hear that your son is alive and well. That alone speaks volumes about your character and strength.

    Regarding disclosing these events to your future husband, there are arguments both for and against telling him. Personally, I would probably come down on the side saying to tell him, but only if you feel able to. If your husband knows what you have gone through, he can inshaAllah support you to heal and comfort you if something reminds you of the past. Sometimes it can be emotionally difficult to start an intimate physical relationship after experiencing sexual trauma, even if you want to be with the person - if your husband is aware this might be an issue, then he is less likely to get confused or upset, and can take care to be gentle and supportive.

    I'd advise that you ask Allah for guidance, and trust that what then happens will be His will.

    Midnightmoon editor

    • Assalamualaikum.

      Thanks for the advice. But I really don't know how to tell him. I don't know how to start with

      • Assalaamualaikam

        It can be really hard to think of how to start a conversation about such sensitive and potentially distressing topics; as well as the emotions brought up by remembering the events, there can also be the concern of how you think the other person will react. I think it might help to speak to a counsellor in the first instance, as that will inshaAllah help you begin to work through things, and they can then support you to tell your future husband if you want to. There's no rush for these discussions, and it's important to take things at your own speed.

        Remember Allah's love for you, and that He will provide for you in this life and the next, inshaAllah. I pray that you continue to heal, that your son grows up healthy and strong, and that you are blessed with a loving husband who will protect and cherish you.

        Midnightmoon editor

      • As-salamu Alaykum, Sister,

        Try to not worry about something that has not taken place yet. I agree with everything Sr. Midnightmoon has said. In addition, try to have your parents involved in the marriage process. If a prospective suitor approaches your family, your parents can be the ones to inform the man or his family before you guys even meet. That way, everything is on the table beforehand, people who cannot accept this will be filtered out, and the suitor will know that you have the support of your parents. Obviously this should only be done with serious prospects. This could also work with friends. For example, if your close girlfriend knows of someone who might be a good match for you, she could (discreetly) tell the person or his family that there is a woman who has a child and such-and-such happened to her in the past. She would mention all of your good qualities and the person would decide whether to pursue a proposal, which again, should take place through your parents. The important thing is that it is all done in a respectful way that does not reveal your identity to people who might have issues or cause problems.

  3. As-salamu Alaykum, Sister,
    This is a tough situation to be in but it seems like you and your family tried to deal with things in a way that would achieve the best outcome for the child, and you are to be commended for that. I do not know which country you live in and which culture you belong to, but some cultures in general (as well as individuals in any culture) are more open towards such issues. You should thus seek to marry someone who shows these qualities of being open-minded and accepting.

    The experience you had was a very traumatic one, and it is not really something I would want to hide from my life-partner. The fact that you had a child could definitely come up in the future because it may be that the child himself will seek to establish a relationship with you, his mother. And I also don't know how it would be possible to keep such a major secret from someone you are sharing your life with. In Islam, we should generally avoid revealing our sins (and I have recommended that on this site a couple of times), but a child was born, and I do not think it is wise to deny this part of your past. With the support of your parents, Insha'Allah, perhaps it will be easier to find someone who will accept you fully for the person you are. In my opinion, there are many good men who would not find this to be an issue, especially if you have matured and grown from the experience, which I assume you have.

    I sense that you are still young and that this experience may have been a recent one. Try to focus on healing for the time-being. Increase your knowledge of Islam, stay away from the things that led you to this situation, and have faith that the other things will eventually fall into place, Insha'Allah.

  4. Sister. Whatever happened to you happened and you can't change it. Your future husband needs to know this before marriage. If it's an issue for him, then he is nit compatible and if he's okay with it...then you have a winner.

    Keeping a secret like that is harmful, you can't hide that you had a child. It will come up eventually. Like your doctor visits, when you are having another child ppl will ask questions infront of your husband and you need to be 100 percent honest to medical staff.

    Also, incase you want yo meet your child again, your husband needs to be there to support you.

    Sister there are things to keep hidden that are easy to hide. But this is a big elephant. Just tell the man from the beginning and it should be fine.

  5. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,

    I support what others have said, that you shouldn't hide this from your future husband, as it's not even something that could be hidden forever.

    When you go into a marriage relationship, you expect to be able to trust your spouse with your whole life. However, if the person you want to marry couldn't accept you for who you in the first place, then it means he/she isn't the person you could trust with your whole life.

    However, you could determine who to trust, by making your situation clear and known before the marriage contract (I mean your situations that cannot be between only you and Allah, and which might have something to do with your future), and then trust in Allah. If the person stayed and proceeded with the marriage contract, then you have in deed met the right person, inshaAllah. Such a person, should be the one you could rely on (from time to time) for support, especially in situations which might have something to do with your past, inshaAllah.

    May Allah help you and ease things for you. Ameen!

  6. As-salamu Alaykum,

    I have actually been thinking of this post the whole day long as it touched me deeply. Perhaps it is because I am a mother who cannot imagine the pain another woman goes through when giving away her child. Or perhaps it is also because I have a young daughter and cannot fathom how terrifying it was for you to be in this well as the despair you must have felt upon becoming pregnant.

    Sisters and brothers, we are living in scary times these days, with people sitting right next to each other at home, but everyone involved in his own little world on the Internet. These things did not exist just 20 years ago, and I think that many of us do not yet fully understand the consequences of communicating in an intimate way with strangers on-line.

    If you use FB and other social networking sites, for God's sake, be strong and stop your unnecessary communications with the opposite sex. There is a use for many of these sites, and we can use them in a halal way. But if you have found yourself getting close to someone on-line, you are crossing into dangerous territory. There are many heartbreaking stories posted on this site that involve on-line relationships. Please read and be aware. If you are a parent, be doubly aware. If you are the type of person who finds it hard to control your emotions and behavior on-line, it would be better to take a break from life on-line until you get control over these urges.

    May Allah SWT guide all of us and keep us on the Straight Path.

  7. Salaam. So sorry to hear about your situation. In sha Allah you will find a really good husband. I think you should tell your future husband about this situation before you get married. Because if he finds out about it later, maybe his mind will change about the marriage. Also maybe later in life you want to see your child and meet him, how would you explain to your future husband that youve been hiding this big truth of your life from him. Also, if he understands you, in sha Allah, he will give you support and be your strength which will make you stronger.
    But if you wouldnt tell him.. Wouldnt you have the guilt within you everyday? Even though it will be really hard to express yourself. You will have to be really strong.
    In sha Allah you find the righteous husband 🙂 Ameen xx

  8. Bismiallah,


    This question hits my heart sister. I am a survivor myself! That is what you are alhamduallah and mashallah you didn't loose the biggest and most important thing in your life: Allah and your islam! No husband and no person can compare to this gift. If allah has forgiven you and he has!! he will give you the best person possible.

    I am unmarried myself and was raped by a family member so it has been very difficult and my family was not supportive and made me feel guilty and destroyed. But Allah alhamduallah put peace in my heart because I prayed to him and he was and is the witness to my crime and although the justice system didn't help me I am promised as you and the millions of other women survivors are promised justice.

    Some women can keep deep dark secrets but the fact that you are asking seems you are like me. I was in a very serious relationship after the rape and it was a constant fear in my mind what if he found out or what if his expectations etc etc. So I told him and I just trusted Allah and to my amazement he was the first supportive person that I had met. maybe allah will just send you someone to give you some peace and hope in men. So I think in your case you should tell and you will sleep better at night with that closure. Echoing what others have said if he values customs and his expectations more than the willingness and forgiveness and tests that Allah gave you then he is not a good man and doesn't have a good heart.

    with what allah tested you with you deserve and will get the purest heart there is. my dua and thoughts to you sister.

    -muslim physician

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