Should I divorce her?
My wife left me and started asking for a divorce because of below main reason. We have been married for 1.5 years now
1) She didn’t wanted a child for at first to give time to our relationship. With time when I got frustrated that why she is showing me uninterested behaviour to have a child then all she had to say was she wants to work on the relationship… I did gave her time but it wasn’t enough for her… I used to tell her that problems do happen in marriage and the main thing is how we can deal with them but she would always take me negative that ..i am saying that problems will happen all the time etc … and when even we used to talk about any issue she would start to cry.. I didn’t had any problem of she crying but once she starts to cry then it used to get so much difficult to have any good conversation with her to solve matters
2) Secondly .. she wanted to do a job .. I never stopped her to do the job and said that if you can manage it then do it.. if you can't manage it and if things gets compromised like Me, house, children and herself then .. please don't make things worse and cry etc .. but after she left me she said even though you haven't said no to job but I have insecurity that you might say no to it.. What i can say to this sort of thinking ... She said that if she will be obedient to husband then her concerns wont get fulfilled and she has insecurities that i might stop her to do the job....
3) Islam .. i have never even enforced her to pray or take hijab etc.. i have always said that its between u and Allahs o do it when it comes in your heat but atleast allow me to talk about it with you .. remind and guide you .. but she doesnt likes that ..wheneven i speak about islam .. or anything relatied to Ahadith etc ... she always show me an uninterested behaviour and when she left me she said even thouugh you dont enforce me to take headscarf etc ... but i have insecurity that you might do it in the future?? Assumptions?? all assumptions.. and i know what she is saying is wrong but ... its just all crap .. even though i havent forced it ..stil she has this attitude and way of thinking
because of all these issues we had arguments.. which again resulted in me being either go quite or frustrated. She now doesnt even likes me to be frustrated.. how cani control my frustration if all above things are dragged and no solution is happeneing over time .. its natural...When ever i tried to talk throught these concerns .. she never supported me .. and wouldnt conversate and would cry .. and say that i dont listen to her and i am not listening to her on her concerns ...
Whats the point of me getting married when basic marriage cords are not fulfilled .. even though i have given enough time of 1.2 years .. and still who leaves the husbad and ask for divorce for these reaosns ... She is so selfish in saying that what ever she did for me is not enough for me and she cant do any more .. even though i never complaied and tried to make her understand that .. things and problems do happen that doesnt means that i dont love u ... or anything like that .. but she is always negative ...
I am in so much pain ... i cant believe she left me for these reasons .. we had good times and i had full faith in Allah that slowly she will understand and things will get better but she went away saying dont put bounderies on her and she can do things to a limit and i shouldnt talk to her like if you can manage it then do it .. like job etc . and if you cant manager it then dont let things compromised .. etc etc etc ....whats the point of me as a husband then ... and she never realised her responsibilities ....
I have a few questions which are bothering me based on above situation.
When Allah says that no one will carry the burden of other then between the husband and wife : what ever my wife do will I be held accountable if I don’t try to guide her? Again then Holy Prophet says that very one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them. The servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he is responsible for it. No doubt, every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock…. Then it seems like if I don’t try then I will be held accountable. Don’t forget here I am talking about lawful things in which I try to guide no unlawful..
For example:
1st )I tell my wife that we should pray and we are not perfect. As sometime I miss the prayer as well… But the response is quite dull as she says that its between her and Allah and I ever say this to her. My intention is to remind myself and my wife of is farz act…
2nd) I have never ever forced her to Islam or taking hijab/headscarf etc… but when I play any Zakir Naik video or talk she doesn’t like that as well and shows me no interest at all and I get frustrated sometime .. not because she is following Islam but because she even shows “bezaree” or an uninterested behaviour towards me as a husband when I try to tell her or guide her towards something nice.
She has now left me and asking for Divorce as she says that she is insecure about me asking her to wear hijab someday. When I said I would never ask or force you to do pray or take hijab etc… she said even though you don’t force but your nature is like that and she is insecure down the line I will ask her to do it.. and this is one of the reason she is seeking divorce from me
2nd problem is job.. When doing the rishta/marriage … they never emphasised on Job and I even said that as long as things like (children, House, Me and Herself) doesn’t gets compromised I don’t have any problem with her doing the job but now .. when I tried to explain her that I give you everything… food etc ..we go out for lunch/dinner and visit places… then why u have to do the job … but I believe she wanted a different life .. like manage house /children and do the job and wanted to take things that way and I have not stopped her and all I said that if you can manage it then do it and if you cant manage it then don’t cry at all times and make our relationship worse and don’t compromise on things…. This is another reason she is telling me to take divorce as she is telling me that she is insecure that down the line I might stop her in doing the job and make a career. What she is saying is that if she is obedient to husband then her concerns about job /islam etc… will not be fulfilled …. I have tried to compromise but she has made this decision base don my nature and future assumption.. I don’t know what to do!!!! I don’t know as a husband where I am … I don’t understand what islam says here for me to do … She left my house … she is not coming back and all she is asking for is the divorce for last 2 months .. I have and my family has tried to contact their family and they are not interested to do any arbitration .. and they are saying that if the girl doesn’t wants to live that they cant do anything and wont force her to reconcile…..
3rd problem is child.. its been 1.5 years and she doesn’t want to have the child and the reason she gives me is that she wants to strengthen the relationship.. I don’t understand what sort of reason is that .. I have tried to reason this with her but because of above concerns of job and my nature towards islam ..(even though I dont trigger her all the time but she cant even bear me telling her anything) I feel sometimes so bad because If I don’t speak with my wife then who else I will speak with .. We are in the UK and used to live alone…
Since marriage we never had a peaceful environment and the basics of marriage like child and islam is not been fulfilled… the other reason she says is that we are not happy … I don’t understand why she wouldn’t make an effort to do what is required as if above things wont happen then how I can be happy and when I am frustrated and quite … she doesn’t responds to it and all she wants me was to be happy !!!! and what about when she is frustrated manier times.. i didnt kicked her out of the house .. then why am i treated like this...
What am I as a husband? I do understand that she is an individual with her concerns but then what’s the point of marriage …
Islamically I dont understand my role here as a husband as according to them If I say something they think as if I am putting boundaries on her…
If divorce her is their any thing I will be held accountable for ?
Also she doesn’t wants to spend iddat with me as well….
I don’t know what to do L
The most important question: Holy prophet said : Women is made from the Rib and if you try to straighten it .. it will break .. i.e Divorce.. I made all above effort for our life and hereafter .. does that means I tried to straighten her.. does this hadith applies to me on this situation? Please explain this hadith that what sort of straightening ..??
Many thanks
khan tariq
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Brother in my opinion she is not an understanding woman. Dont keep things dragging and separate immediately. She does not love you and she does not like islam. So whats the point struggling with her. Even if you have children in future you will have more trouble. As she is away from deen so cant morally educate children. From your writing you seem to be an ideal person for a momin eomam to marry with. Leave her, marry a good understanding woman.
He's not ideal. He should have been sharp enough to realize that she didn't pray, or wear hijab before they got married. And now he's complaining because she won't change.
Should I get married to a man who smokes and drinks, then I constantly nag/control to him to stop because 'he does not like Islam'? Isn't it more ideal that I don't marry such a person in the first place? And if I did marry him, can I force him to stop?
1) We did asked about Prayer etc… Its an understood obligatory act. I Did saw her that she doesn’t wears hijab but lots of people don’t. I never asked her to wear hijab or forced her to wear hijab. Since we got married I never even thought about speaking to her about hijab etc.. & I didn’t . As far as Prayer goes I never forced her to pray. As a loving and caring husband all I said was “”WE”” should pray and we should not be lazy in this obligatory act. & that too like… Once in a blue moon.. May be 1-2 times in 4 months… I am not complaining about all these, neither to her nor to my self. What I am saying is when she left she raised this point which I can shocked, because I never thought this is an issue between us. When I asked her that I have not enforced islam/hijab then why she is saying this. She replied that even though you are not saying or forcing me but you “”want it”” like your nature is like that… If my nature is like this –is that my fault.. She is referring to my thoughts that – even though we don’t do things which are obligatory but atleast we should defend them. If I or she is not doing something which is a obligatory act, prayer, hijab , etc etc etc .. then atleast appreciate that my husband is not forcing all this but he is just bring nice to support the teachings of islam… That’s all I meant…How can someone be insecure about these factors. She took commitment that if we have a baby Girl then she wont do hijab???? How could I have asked this question before we were getting marriage… Before marriage everything seems to be so nice and I know I should have asked but I didn’t… Now I know I didn’t so I cant force it..—so I didn’t forced it so how I am controlling it .. ??? This is one person our insecurities by defying the rulings of islam… Forexample.. If I dot have a beard and my wife after marriage like me to have it because it’s a Sunnah.. I wont get offeneded and say that she is trying to change or control me… I would atleast appreciate her thoughts and say to her inshAllah I will try one day or have it one day….
"Now I know I didn’t so I cant force it..—so I didn’t forced it so how I am controlling it .. ??? This is one person our insecurities by defying the rulings of islam… Forexample.. If I dot have a beard and my wife after marriage like me to have it because it’s a Sunnah.. I wont get offeneded and say that she is trying to change or control me… I would atleast appreciate her thoughts and say to her inshAllah I will try one day or have it one day…"
The problem is not everyone thinks like you. Maybe for you, someone asking you to grow a beard is not controlling. For most people, it's a form of control or nagging.
You and your wife were not compatible. Sometimes divorce is a better option than living a life of misery.
Quick one: So does that means as a husband who wants good for his wife: Just cant even say anything and keep quite .. just because she cant or wont even bear or tollerate and take the words of good as nagging and control?
If thats the case then isnt this unfair on me.. and if she was feeling like this then atleast she could have told me that i dont like you to remind of islam or even say of prayer once in a while ... and i could have avioded this .. because sometime as a person you are not doing it intentionally... you just say it out of good and in an unconsious mind... and i believe that what happened .. like i came from office and the thought might have coem that ..we should be carefull in this obligation or ... how to manage things after certain situation .. like job etc .. so she dont get exhaiusted and the child doesnt gets compromised and left out etc etc ... Instead of speaking with me and communicating with me to come to common consenses .. will a women just take it as a nagg and walk away and say that you are not listening to me .... If i would ahve forced or nagged her all the time then yes .. i am at fault ...but i havent even dont it at all... but still she couldnt stand my nature ....
Then its said that we are not compatible ... i think differently .. that if you love someone you make all the effort to make things work and where you are wrong .. you work on it .. from both sides and dotn use the word compatibility as an excuse to walk away ... i dotn see many people compatible .. but they have empathy, consience of wright and wrong and responsibility towards the relationship...
I just cant get over it ... asking my self the question again and again .. what differenti could ahve done... but .. its all finished now ...
Asim
He has admitted he doesn't always pray, seems like a complete control freak who tries to use Islam as a tool to get what he wants as oppose to be a dutiful slave of Allah SWT, and one of those happy to marry women who do not practice Islam, and you think he is a good candidate for a practicing Muslim woman???
Geez, whats a bad candidate in your opinion?
Thanks for being judgmental Alex
1) We did asked about Prayer etc… Its an understood obligatory act. And she did said she prays...I Did saw her that she doesn’t wears hijab but lots of people don’t. I never asked her to wear hijab or forced her to wear hijab. Since we got married I never even thought about speaking to her about hijab etc.. & I didn’t . As far as Prayer goes I never forced her to pray. As a loving and caring husband all I said was “”WE”” should pray and we should not be lazy in this obligatory act. & that too like… Once in a blue moon.. May be 1-2 times in 4 months… I am not complaining about all these, neither to her nor to my self. What I am saying is when she left she raised this point which I can shocked, because I never thought this is an issue between us. When I asked her that I have not enforced islam/hijab then why she is saying this. She replied that even though you are not saying or forcing me but you “”want it”” like your nature is like that… If my nature is like this –is that my fault.. She is referring to my thoughts that – even though we don’t do things which are obligatory but atleast we should defend them. If I or she is not doing something which is a obligatory act, prayer, hijab , etc etc etc .. then atleast appreciate that my husband is not forcing all this but he is just bring nice to support the teachings of islam… That’s all I meant…How can someone be insecure about these factors. She took commitment that if we have a baby Girl then she wont do hijab???? How could I have asked this question before we were getting marriage… Before marriage everything seems to be so nice and I know I should have asked but I didn’t… Now I know I didn’t so I cant force it..—so I didn’t forced it so how I am controlling it .. ??? This is one person our insecurities by defying the rulings of islam… Forexample.. If I dot have a beard and my wife after marriage like me to have it because it’s a Sunnah.. I wont get offeneded and say that she is trying to change or control me… I would atleast appreciate her thoughts and say to her inshAllah I will try one day or have it one day….
Subhanallah ,I'm really sorry to hear that. I can't help but make duaa. I hope other people here can help you in the best way inshallah ta'ala. May Allah swt make things easy for you Amiin ya rab!
You sound controlling to be honest. Why did you marry her if you wanted a hijabi wife? Why didn't you discuss with her about doing a job before hand? Why didn't you discuss when to have children before hand?
The problem is you were expecting her to change according to your standards after marriage. When two people don't have the same life goals, it becomes difficult for them to live together. I believe it's naive to assume that you can change a spouse after marriage, even if it's on Islamic matters like hijab/salah etc.
I would advise for you and your wife to try marriage counseling. You both need to compromise on your differences with the aid of a professional.
May Allah make everything easy for you two, Ameen ya Rab.
1) Controlling?? how it can controlling when I am not forcing or even asking her to do something. All I as a person wanted to have this mutual understanding in our life…about the issues we were facing. I knew she don’t take hijab and I was all ok with that .. I never ever raised Hijab in our 1.5 years of marriage then how I can be controlling in this instance. We don’t do lots of things but we should defend ourselves but not doing them… In our culture my sisters don’t do hijab but they have atleast intention or they atleast say its right…they don’t make Allah commandments as insecurities??
2) I did discussed with her about job and she was looking for job for last 1.5 years … But she didn’t got it … is this my fault.. I never stopped her from job… This was a 1 day arguments after 1.5 years of marriage… and I didn’t raised this issue .. as it was her aksing me that “” If after children would you allow me to do the job”” I said … its only me and you in this country and we don’t have any relatives etc etc etc .;. so if you can manage it then I don’t have no problem but if you wont be able to manage it then please don’t compromise on yourself and other important things like children etc … Forget about me .. I can handle myself but … how am I controlling … this is just a normal conversation .. how does this contradicts to saying I said something before and now I am saying something different.. I was just being realistic because her behaviour made me insecure … She didn’t proved herself –she used to get exhausted if we would go our for 2 hours… she would moan about doing something for me at house just because there are no maids and servants like she used to have in Pakistan … in that perspective I said that if you can manage it then do it and if you wont be able to maange it with other things then please don’t compromise…??
3) Why would I like her to change … its not changing .. I thought that’s what marriage is all about ..understanding each other…… its strange .. at 1st people say to communicate & once you do communicate then people say you are trying to change themmm ….
4) I tried for arbitration and I did said that if I am at fault then I will correct it … but they didn’t wanted any arbitration … now what else I could have done?
5) We did asked about Prayer etc… Its an understood obligatory act. I Did saw her that she doesn’t wears hijab but lots of people don’t. I never asked her to wear hijab or forced her to wear hijab. Since we got married I never even thought about speaking to her about hijab etc.. & I didn’t . As far as Prayer goes I never forced her to pray. As a loving and caring husband all I said was “”WE”” should pray and we should not be lazy in this obligatory act. & that too like… Once in a blue moon.. May be 1-2 times in 4 months… I am not complaining about all these, neither to her nor to my self. What I am saying is when she left she raised this point which I can shocked, because I never thought this is an issue between us. When I asked her that I have not enforced islam/hijab then why she is saying this. She replied that even though you are not saying or forcing me but you “”want it”” like your nature is like that… If my nature is like this –is that my fault.. She is referring to my thoughts that – even though we don’t do things which are obligatory but atleast we should defend them. If I or she is not doing something which is a obligatory act, prayer, hijab , etc etc etc .. then atleast appreciate that my husband is not forcing all this but he is just bring nice to support the teachings of islam… That’s all I meant…How can someone be insecure about these factors. She took commitment that if we have a baby Girl then she wont do hijab???? How could I have asked this question before we were getting marriage… Before marriage everything seems to be so nice and I know I should have asked but I didn’t… Now I know I didn’t so I cant force it..—so I didn’t forced it so how I am controlling it .. ??? This is one person our insecurities by defying the rulings of islam… Forexample.. If I dot have a beard and my wife after marriage like me to have it because it’s a Sunnah.. I wont get offeneded and say that she is trying to change or control me… I would atleast appreciate her thoughts and say to her inshAllah I will try one day or have it one day….
every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock but i m sorry to say you 're not the shepherd.........
you are trying to become a leader while you are not. a leader is the one who is followed willingly not forcefully. in marriage anyone can become a leader if a husband is not good enough religiously his wife can set example and become a leader.
instead of setting an example you intentionally showed her videos of zakir naik which she felt that you were forcing her and she didnt take nay interest
if she is nt interested in religious knowledge you cant force her to do so or are you trying to make her feel guilty like she is not a good Muslim? you are not responsible for anyone's akhirah you are responsible for your own deeds be a man not a coward loser who force her wife politically to become whatever he desires
secondly you might have given a political statement about job we all know if a wife does job it would be difficult to handle domestic work. and you knew it would happen and if she does apply for job and go on work you would say look you cant handle both so its better to leave job. i dont think she is a bad woman .she seems career oriented and thats why she doesn't have interest in child or maybe she has fear because she has to deliver the child painfully she will go through the pain na you will not go through the pain so its easy for you to demand a child..................
i m not saying you are a bad person but somehow you are controlling. you are her husband not her master and she is not a child who needs dictation. you know she is sensitive you could have avoided such thing further you kept on doing things which irritate her.
Showing Zakir naik or any Islamic videos is not intentionally … If a husband is trying to show her a video just for knowledge .. then whats wrong in it … I am not forcing her to see it …And also not everyday .. may be once in 3 months .. I mean unconsciously .. why you people have to be so judgemental about islam and someone forcing islam in to someone .. I do understand that islam cant be forced… it comes with time … but someone has to make an effort .. so if I am making an effort with love and going thorough with mywife for 10 minutes lecture …with positive intention … is that too much to ask for .. and that too once in a blue moon … and after doing this she shows an uninterested behaviour which was stange for me as she is born in a muslim country with culture and education in muslim orientated society ..in paksitan .. but I didn’t forced her or anything .. I just left it to her .. I got a bit annoyed to the fact that …at least don’t show an uninterested behaviour or attitude .. but again it wanst happening everyday . I mean before she left we didn’t had a chat about islam or videos for straight 4 months .. so what are you talking about??
If she had fears about giving borth to a child then she never mentioned that … I am not a faristht or a perfetc person .. so are you trying to defend the thought that she didn’t wanted a child for all these reasons and wont even try to take me in confidence about her fears and would just leave the house and wont discuss and do arbitration and humilite the husband who loves her so much … and demand divorce for these issues… Really … is that the worth a person would have because all he wants is good for the family and her..??
I was avoiding things as much a si could … but I am a human as well … am I in a marriage relationship where you can be yourself and talk your heart out and concern out with your wife .. or am I in a prison where I have to think 1000000 times before I say something … I mean … by your comments it seems like it’s a one way traffic … ??
1) Controlling?? how it can controlling when I am not forcing or even asking her to do something. All I as a person wanted to have this mutual understanding in our life…about the issues we were facing. I knew she don’t take hijab and I was all ok with that .. I never ever raised Hijab in our 1.5 years of marriage then how I can be controlling in this instance. We don’t do lots of things but we should defend ourselves but not doing them… In our culture my sisters don’t do hijab but they have atleast intention or they atleast say its right…they don’t make Allah commandments as insecurities??
2) I did discussed with her about job and she was looking for job for last 1.5 years … But she didn’t got it … is this my fault.. I never stopped her from job… This was a 1 day arguments after 1.5 years of marriage… and I didn’t raised this issue .. as it was her aksing me that “” If after children would you allow me to do the job”” I said … its only me and you in this country and we don’t have any relatives etc etc etc .;. so if you can manage it then I don’t have no problem but if you wont be able to manage it then please don’t compromise on yourself and other important things like children etc … Forget about me .. I can handle myself but … how am I controlling … this is just a normal conversation .. how does this contradicts to saying I said something before and now I am saying something different.. I was just being realistic because her behaviour made me insecure … She didn’t proved herself –she used to get exhausted if we would go our for 2 hours… she would moan about doing something for me at house just because there are no maids and servants like she used to have in Pakistan … in that perspective I said that if you can manage it then do it and if you wont be able to maange it with other things then please don’t compromise…??
3) Why would I like her to change … its not changing .. I thought that’s what marriage is all about ..understanding each other…… its strange .. at 1st people say to communicate & once you do communicate then people say you are trying to change themmm ….
4) I tried for arbitration and I did said that if I am at fault then I will correct it … but they didn’t wanted any arbitration … now what else I could have done?
5) We did asked about Prayer etc… Its an understood obligatory act. I Did saw her that she doesn’t wears hijab but lots of people don’t. I never asked her to wear hijab or forced her to wear hijab. Since we got married I never even thought about speaking to her about hijab etc.. & I didn’t . As far as Prayer goes I never forced her to pray. As a loving and caring husband all I said was “”WE”” should pray and we should not be lazy in this obligatory act. & that too like… Once in a blue moon.. May be 1-2 times in 4 months… I am not complaining about all these, neither to her nor to my self. What I am saying is when she left she raised this point which I can shocked, because I never thought this is an issue between us. When I asked her that I have not enforced islam/hijab then why she is saying this. She replied that even though you are not saying or forcing me but you “”want it”” like your nature is like that… If my nature is like this –is that my fault.. She is referring to my thoughts that – even though we don’t do things which are obligatory but atleast we should defend them. If I or she is not doing something which is a obligatory act, prayer, hijab , etc etc etc .. then atleast appreciate that my husband is not forcing all this but he is just bring nice to support the teachings of islam… That’s all I meant…How can someone be insecure about these factors. She took commitment that if we have a baby Girl then she wont do hijab???? How could I have asked this question before we were getting marriage… Before marriage everything seems to be so nice and I know I should have asked but I didn’t… Now I know I didn’t so I cant force it..—so I didn’t forced it so how I am controlling it .. ??? This is one person our insecurities by defying the rulings of islam… Forexample.. If I dot have a beard and my wife after marriage like me to have it because it’s a Sunnah.. I wont get offeneded and say that she is trying to change or control me… I would atleast appreciate her thoughts and say to her inshAllah I will try one day or have it one day….
Brother there is clearly lack of understanding from both sides , reading this looks like the blame is only on your wife and whereas your wife kept blaming on you.
You need to provide her a protective and caring environment . But it sounds more controlling.
You both need to sit down and write down exactly what you both want from each other , switch those pages and then discuss each point with maturity and love instead of bashing and turning it into a fight . You might get heated up but instead of being angry understand each other.
This relationship needs more of understanding and love then anything else . Bring that in and then work on things , pray tahajjud for her so that may Allah make it easy for her to wear hijab , and advice her with love and patience . You say you dont force her but then playing lectures and advising are actions that might have looked like forcing to her.
You write " I even said that as long as things like (children, House, Me and Herself) doesn’t gets compromised I don’t have any problem with her doing the job but now .. when I tried to explain her that I give you everything… food etc ..we go out for lunch/dinner and visit places"
There are no children yet so why bring that in the equation to leave job and if nothing is being compromised this is again a contradictory statement where you say you are ok but infact you are not ok with her working .
Seeing all this may be she wants to delay children till everything gets settled between you two .
Work on yourself first and then try to give in all to make it work with your wife , be more compassionate and loving and she needs to be same , she feels she is being changed and is forced into someone she is not , hence unable to keep you happy . Because thats what you potray that your happiness lies in children , hijab and leaving job , since she cant do all these she feels worthless and insecure.
Please try your best to save this marriage and make it work . Do a great deal of dua and go easy on her . May be she is slow in doing all these , so many people take years to change and other are quick to bring it about . 1.5 is not very long to give up . You both lost patience and hope in each other
If she wants you to be happy she cares for you , so let her know she is your queen and then see her treat you like a king .crush her insecurities and asure her that everything is for the betterment of 'us' as a family . Work as a team with each other not against each other .
May Allah make it super easy for both of you Ameen.
Wow Ok
I might be wrong,but reading between the lines here, this seems to be an issue of control, your wife isn't properly practicing, neither are you, you were both happy to marry each other, now your married, your wife has found your are a controlling Man, which is why she keeps assuming that you will try and prevent her/make her do/not do other things obviously, prior to marriage you must have made it appear to your wife, that you would take no issue with her being a career women, now you want her to give you children and be a stay at home wife, your wife did not expect this prior to marrying you, its seems you have been trying to use the religion to prove this is what you are due from a wife, however from your actions its clear religion isn't actually that important to you, this appears to be the case since you have admitted that you don't even pray all the time, and were also happy to marry a women who does not wear Hijab in the first place, can you not see how that although you claim your trying to guide and all that, your actions contradictory, why would you tell you wife prayer is fard, when you miss them yourself? except if your controlling, a do as i say not as i do kinda person....
I don't know what advice your after brother honestly, how can anyone give either you or your wife advice, until the both of you decide to take your religion properly, not just when it pleases you...
Alex.. Before marriage i said excatlyt the same thing that i dont have no problem with job unless things dont get compromised .. & i was very clear to her and her father ... in 1.5 years of marriage she was looking for jobs .. i supported her .. took her to interviews etc ... Now ...secondly .. in our culture its understood to have offsrpings and if this question is raised that she doesnt wnat childrent hen ..no one would get married .. but i dodnt forced having children and all i used to say to her was .. "until and unless you are happy to go for family" i wont force you to it .. and i didnt for 1.5 years ... .. I am not using religion for my interest .. if i would have done that.. then i would have been dishonest with her in concieveing a child etc .. i wante dher to be happy .. and make this decision in a happy way ... is this u call controlling??? seriosuly?? Also up until now my actions were to myself .. Prayer etc etc etc ... i was trying to be the best husband to my wife ...and saying good thing not to control or to irritate her but ... because i wanted good for her ... She never ever said any thing as per islam.. any hadith or what Allah says etc .. i never moaned about it .. and i was optimistic that i will work on my actions and pray to Allah and inshAllah things will change .. but if she is insecure taht if we ahave a girl then she wont do hijab ... All i said OK ... lets leave it to time .. and didnt said yes she will do hijab etc .. .. And the thing when i said taht i sometimes miss prayers .. was because to say that if i am missing prayers then how i can tell her to pray ...and i havent dont that ... but if i am not praying .. & she is not praying then atleast i can say taht .."" My dearest wife.. We should try to pray."" like a reminder ..!! thats all i said and that too 1 or 2 time in 4 months ...????
Salaam Ahiy!
Yes!
Salam Khan,
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this difficult time. To answer your questions, I think the primary reason she left is because she lost trust. It's not about you trying to straighten her, it's about what you say and then what you do.
You said you're fine with her getting a job right? But then you two argued about why she needed a job when you were providing. That's a big problem. You just told her she could but when she tries, you try to argue her out of it. What this means is that you're not really fine with it and you don't want her to get a job but then you say that you're fine with it. That means what you say can't be trusted, you will agree but when it comes time you will argue and try to kill it.
Same thing with Islam, you say she doesn't have to wear hijab. But then you're reminding her of prayer and showing her Zakir Naik videos. To invite is ok, to remind if they asked is ok too. But if you push Islam, and they are not at the same level, then it won't help in getting them closer. It would be like a more devout muslim telling you you're wasting time any time you watch a movie or do anything else relaxing, it will start to get annoying. The other thing is how you say this. If you ask her to pray and it shows that you love her and are asking because you worry for her she will accept it more. If you ask her and your tone shows that you look down on her for not doing it, then it shows that you don't think she is good enough.
Given what you say and then what you do later, she has fears that what you're saying is not actually true. And this could be why she was delaying having kids with you. Because once she has kids then she is locked in with you. And if you argue against her getting a job before kids, after kids you will argue even more against it. If you were arguing for her to become more Islamic then after kids you will argue even more because you will expect her to be a role model.
Anyway, I hope that answer helps you. if you were to do this all over again I recommend finding out what your actual boundaries are. How many hours of work would you expect your wife to do when she has a job? How many when she has kids? Once you know that then you can tell a prospective wife what it means when you say she can get a job. And if she marries you then goes for a job then you have to support her. You can't then argue against it if you allowed it before.
Take this marriage and divorce as a blessing from Allah. People find it difficult to change, but through marriage Allah creates a need for a person to improve. You may be going through divorce but now you have even more reason to improve so that your next relationship can be successful.
Next time you feel like someone is not Islamic enough, invite and ask if they mind being invited and remember this:
https://quran.com/2/256
There shall be no compulsion in [acceptance of] the religion. The right course has become clear from the wrong. So whoever disbelieves in Taghut and believes in Allah has grasped the most trustworthy handhold with no break in it. And Allah is Hearing and Knowing.
Also be mindful of what you say and do:
https://quran.com/61/3
Great is hatred in the sight of Allah that you say what you do not do.
One last thing, I think your marriage ended because she was not Islamic enough and not a homemaker. She wanted to go work and live more for this life and your response ended up being passive aggressive. You would be passive in allowing but then aggressive in preventing. Good luck to you in the future:
http://corpus.quran.com/translation.jsp?chapter=4&verse=130
Sahih International: But if they separate [by divorce], Allah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance. And ever is Allah Encompassing and Wise.
it's about what you say and then what you do. I am disappointed how your perceived this ..again a bit judgemental …may be you don’t know the facts so .. please don’t take it as an offence.… Here is the situation.. Someone gets married and looks for job.. tahts fine .. and she tried to continue to look for job for 1.2 years but is not getting anywhere with it … is this my fault? What I said 1st was at the start of the marriage was exactly what I said before she left .. so how it is it's about what you say and then what you do.!!! Her father said that she wants to work in a generic way, like if she gets it then fine if not then its ok… It was a very generic conversation. I Did mentioned to them before nikah and at engagement time that I am not against job etc .. but for me house family etc .. comes first.. And she didn’t said anyting against it .. They saw my mother doing full shariah niqab and my sister told them that I am a family orientated person and has always stive towards Islamic values and obligations.. this was all clear .. Even after engagement she saw my behaviour and she didn’t complained….she never said she wanted to make a carrer at that time .. I guess her priorities got different and so extrememe once we started to live together . I was fine with it but with time one has to priorities right? all I said was to priorities herself .. I am find with job.. but at the same time she is a married women and lives with someone … is that all in marriage to do job job job job … if she is not getting it then is it I who has to balme and if she is not getting it then nothing else will happen to move on ? that’s all I wanted to have a mutual understanding .. no force .. no manipulation of what I said before .. as what I said before was a different situation and what I am saying now is because how things have changed over time …
I was encouraging her … and not 10 times .. I remember I might have said to her about prayer may be 1 -2 times in 4 months .. I mean is this too much to ask for …I stoped .. I didn’t talked about islam etc etc .. because ei wanted to my actions to speak … but she just walked away !!!!! and if saying good things will annoy a mature 28 years old girl then I think its her problem .. she was from pakistan and family of etiquettes of islam.. it wasn’t an alien thing for her and neither she was a 22 years old girll..?? and is this fair on me that her perceived in securities etc .. and misunderstanding would even give me a chance to make things better even though I am trying to help … Showing Zakir naik or any Islamic videos is not intentionally … If a husband is trying to show her a video just for knowledge .. then whats wrong in it … I am not forcing her to see it …And also not everyday .. may be once in 3 months .. I mean unconsciously .. why you people have to be so judgemental about islam and someone forcing islam in to someone .. I do understand that islam cant be forced… it comes with time … but someone has to make an effort .. so if I am making an effort with love and going thorough with mywife for 10 minutes lecture …with positive intention … is that too much to ask for .. and that too once in a blue moon … and after doing this she shows an uninterested behaviour which was stange for me as she is born in a muslim country with culture and education in muslim orientated society ..in paksitan .. but I didn’t forced her or anything .. I just left it to her .. I got a bit annoyed to the fact that …at least don’t show an uninterested behaviour or attitude .. but again it wanst happening everyday . I mean before she left we didn’t had a chat about islam or videos for straight 4 months .. so what are you talking about?? ) We did asked about Prayer etc… Its an understood obligatory act. I Did saw her that she doesn’t wears hijab but lots of people don’t. I never asked her to wear hijab or forced her to wear hijab. Since we got married I never even thought about speaking to her about hijab etc.. & I didn’t . As far as Prayer goes I never forced her to pray. As a loving and caring husband all I said was “”WE”” should pray and we should not be lazy in this obligatory act. & that too like… Once in a blue moon.. May be 1-2 times in 4 months… I am not complaining about all these, neither to her nor to my self. What I am saying is when she left she raised this point which I can shocked, because I never thought this is an issue between us. When I asked her that I have not enforced islam/hijab then why she is saying this. She replied that even though you are not saying or forcing me but you “”want it”” like your nature is like that… If my nature is like this –is that my fault.. She is referring to my thoughts that – even though we don’t do things which are obligatory but atleast we should defend them. If I or she is not doing something which is a obligatory act, prayer, hijab , etc etc etc .. then atleast appreciate that my husband is not forcing all this but he is just bring nice to support the teachings of islam… That’s all I meant…How can someone be insecure about these factors. She took commitment that if we have a baby Girl then she wont do hijab???? How could I have asked this question before we were getting marriage… Before marriage everything seems to be so nice and I know I should have asked but I didn’t… Now I know I didn’t so I cant force it..—so I didn’t forced it so how I am controlling it .. ??? This is one person our insecurities by defying the rulings of islam… Forexample.. If I dot have a beard and my wife after marriage like me to have it because it’s a Sunnah.. I wont get offended and say that she is trying to change or control me… I would atleast appreciate her thoughts and say to her inshAllah I will try one day or have it one day…
I never argued her to become Islamic .. all I said was it between you and Allah… I never argues about her getting the job before kids .. she was looking for jobs and I never stopped her .. she raised the point herself .. I wansnt thinking about it … and no its wasn’t her fear .. when we got married at that very moment she asked me to delay having childer just because she wants to spend sometime with me before she gets pregnant ..like 3 month etc .. so delaying children was her first request from me ..which for her I said ok .. have it … which I regret but after that other excuses poped up .. I mean why would you get married if you don’t have the right mindset and if she would have told me that she don’t need children then I wouldn’t have got married to her on the 1st place…. Why its always 1 sided judgemental comments .. I am a human as well .. am I aksing something wrong here and I don’t think the way I was aksing is also wrong..i don’t expect her as a role model.. all I wanted was a healty communication but she took them as insecurities …
When she left .. i tried to reconcile..but she didnt listened and said if she has to listen to a husband then her concerns wont be fulfilled ... is that what marriage is all about ... and if i got insecure a bit aggressive because of her behaviour and attitude towards life then i am a human as well ... so the only solution is to walk away?? i was ready to change but it can be onesided .. i really loved her ... and did everything i could .. .. i am sure i have to do it all over again and she will have to do it again as well.... I would have been better off marrying a non muslim but a perosn with understanding and empathy rather then someone muslim but with no empathy and understanding of the husband and situation .... its give n take .. i tried to give .. but for how long .. this just didnt happened over night .. it took 1.5 year .. which might seem less but once you are living with with no purpose .. and communication .. the time gets harder and harder to pass....
I dont know why she did that .. and i dont understand the reaosn of marriage in islam ..if thats the attutude of a husband or wife when they get in to wedlock ... 🙁
Salam Khan,
To answer your question. It is about what you say and then what you do because you are claiming that you are fine with certain things but aren't actually fine with it. Examples:
1) You said you're fine if she gets a job right? At least that's what you're saying. Now when she starts looking for a job you ask her why she needs one when you're providing money and there is no need to get one. For you to say this means that you're not fine with her getting a job. Even though in the beginning you said you are but you really are not.
2) You said Islam is between her and Allah right? This implies you are fine with the level of faith she has? In reality you are not fine with it, you are more religious than she is and she doesn't even want that her daughter wears a hijab. That's not even up to her but is up to her daughter but it shows how she feels about Islam. So upfront you tell her it's between her and Allah but then it shows how you really feel when you try encouraging her to listen to lectures or do more. You don't think she's Islamic enough. It would be one thing if she enjoyed that too and you were listening and she came by to listen but that's not how it is.
Both of these that you mention show that at face value you claim to allow something or claim that you're fine with it but then later you passively show that you are not fine with it at all. This is one thing I recommend fixing for your next relationship.
Other than that I think this divorce is a blessing for you. You and your ex-wife do not agree on how to run the household, or levels of religion. You need a girl that's interested in being a homemaker and is more religious. This divorce lets you seek such a person and luckily you don't even have kids to worry about and you didn't even have to initiate it.
Still, sorry you're going through this but there are positives in it.
w@salam... I believe their is no hard and fast rule in marriage that if we have said something 6 month ago then we ahve to adhere to that.. The situation changes ... At first I was absolutley clear that I am fine with her doing the job... great ... 1 year passed by and we gwt to know the person and the situation changes .. So as the situation chnages i got to know what my wife is not prioritising married life based on "US" .. their were quite a few instamces where i was told by her that its hard for her to carry out few things etc .. even an 1 hour walk will make her exhausted etc etc etc ... Now looking at the situation .. as a caring husband .. with love you will say in a tine that .. love i am doing everyhting so you dont you want to do it .. like not ..in agressie mode ..""y you wana do it "" this is to make her feel that i am here and as long as you are not getting the job then dont panic .. i think you misjudged what i wrote .. 2ndly as the situation chnaged then obviosuly i was insecure that i will be int he office until 6pm from 7 in the morning and she has to manage in this time .. as in the UK we dont know any one . no family .. no helping hand etc etc... so this is said for her ..so she dont get exhausted and deesnt compromise of herself and children .. litrally fotget about me and household .. i have been living all my life alone and i can handle that .. all i wanted was her support not to compriomise on the main things.. hence the reason i said that if you can manage it then do it and if you cant then please dont compromise ... this was actually her behaviour in last 1 year and response i got so i said this .. and its wasnt intentional .. it was anatural reaction from myself ... for example .. she cooked something and i asked her that can you make a dessert (I asked her after 1 year of our marriage .. i dont even ptu any burdan at all on her) and she replied back to me that .. once she has made something like a lucch then its easier for her to made anything else if she has not cooked on that day ... even though a desert like custanrd jelly wil take 10 min to make ... now when i asked why she said that .. he reply was its hard for her to manage and their are no servant in the UK etc etc .. i didnt buy that and I really got hurt and i got this feeling that may be cooking 3-4 times a week is too much for her as rest we would either go out to eat or i assist her in cooking .. so occasins like these .. chnaged my way of looking in to her ... and i didnt asked her not to do the job ... i jst said its on your and i dont want you to exhaust yourslef and prioritise your life based on us ...
NOw 2nd part you said::
I am fine with her level of faith to the extent that i am not forcing her or telling her to change her self ...thats ok .. but if my daughter is born atleast it my responsibility to adhere to Allahs commandment ... Are you telling me that even i have no right to guide my daughter towards the commandments of Allah .. seriosuly?? Only guide and once grown up the right upbringing the daughter will inshAllah do it but i have to proivide the basic teaching of islam .. i cant just sit their and let the world teach her ..its my responsibility .. as far as my wife goes .. i never ever spoke about hijab in 1.5 years of our marriage ...at teh start i said that you dont do it ..thats fine its between you and Allah ...and then i never raised this issue again ...why does it really matter that i am fine with it ot not .. because i am not changing her slef or speaking abt it .. and the matter of fact is i litrally even forgot about thinking about hijab etc ..
Now as far as islamic viodes goes and etc etc .. let me tell you something ... before she left i might have played an islamic viode once in 4 months??? that too was a supscribed channel on facebook where it happened coincedently .. so in practical terms i never really asked her to listen to anislamic channel or talk ... also didnt did any islam islam islam at all and may be i would have asked her that we both should pray .. atleast .. taht too in once or twice in 4 months ... i used WE... because i was lasy in my prayers as well... so i believe the thing about i want and my nature is or i aminclined towards it .. because i speak in that way .. i mean not intentionally but like ..its in my nature .. forexample .. i said once .. once again .. not all the time that my motive is to guide our children in best way towards islam .... i mean I thought its a nice thing to say ... NOW .. how on this earth i would have known that this is irritaitng her .. as she never ever complanied about it .... i thought it was normal ... If she would ahve spoken to me about any unintentional naturall behaviour i had then i could have changed my way or mend my way and accomodate her so she learns with time .. she never said anything ... For exampole .. i got to knwo this when she left and i told her 1 or 2 hadith and she replied that ....why i have to do islam islam and hadith etc etc ... That was the 1st tiem she actually made me realise that she doesnt like me to talk about hadith or islam .. even though i didnt did much or at all when she was with me but ..she never told me.... she never gave me an idea of how bad she feels about it ... the problem is how a husband /man can assume or know until he is been told .. farishta wont come and tell me ... i can judge situations but i could haave never judged this attitude from her ... at all... after all she was not a kid .. 28 years old girl from islamic country and educaiton and house with all norms and culture somewhere islamic .. so naturally i just trying to become the best husband ... i didnt married a kafir .. if she had problem she shoud have atleast spoke to me once or my family once and i could ahve changed my actions to accomodate her ... but how i can do anything until i know th eprobelm ...
I appreciate your comment but i think the way you percieved is very straight foeard .. their is no hard and fast rule in marriage ... things and situation changes and naturally you react in that way .. to help each other .. but if you get stubbon on somehting i said or she said at the start of the realtionship cant be the same after 2 years down the line .... honestly ... also while egtting married i did told her father that i am fone with job .. as long as it doesn comprimise on basics .. like my wife, childeren, house and me ... and they were ok with that .. .. Also on islam .. when we got engaged i sent her islamic stuff and she never complained .. and they saw my mother in Veil..full niqab and my sister told her father that our brither is inclined towards islam .. and tries his best to do it while living in this socielt ... brother .. my sisters dotn do hijab as well .. and in our islmic country .. almost 80 % dont ...but atleats my sister dont say or have an opinoin againt the commandment of Allah ... and what my wife concerns are totally against teh commandment of Allah ... and how woudl i ahve known this .. i shoudl have aksed the question but it didnt came up in my mind .... I dont have no problem with she not taking hijab etc etc ... deen cant be forced but i wasnt expecting her to say taht its something she dont even believe in or intent to do ... ...
Allah knows best my intention was always best towards her ... i am a human as well and i wwould ahve made mistakes but i never thought divorce is the solution for the problems .... Its hard .. and i stil miss her but Allah decree is their as well and i hope Allah give her what she wants ...good for this life and here after and thats what i seek from Allah ....
Thanks for taking time out for your comments and readung this
And i must say your are absolutly right .. I am fine with her doing the job but not on the expense of house, shildren, herself and me.. (Well forget me) And she knew this very well .. i raised it when we were getting married and down the line she knew it ... So how its any different to what i said and then i said differently .. Also it wasnt a big thing ... if she was insecure about this then its her job to prove herself and fulfil her aims .. obviosuly i will support it .. but on she cant or one person cant be a hypocrite with his/her actions ..... one one place she is telling me its hard for her for lots of things ,... which i got to knwo over time and desnt wants to start a family and shows an uninterested behaviour and on the other hand want me to act like a farishta ... i sometimes think why i reacted to those situation .... i could ahve done a better job as i am not perfect but i had my insecurties and concerns which piled up with time .. and all gone .... i go regret few things i did unintentionally and I seeked forgveness ... but i wasnot accomodated to my forgiveness as well ... such a humiliation i must say ... i ahve lost hope in marriage a relationship ... I guess if i have reacted in this manner then its not like i was saying to this to her everyday .. its was jsut 1 day we spoke about this and gone ... 1 day .. i mean just 1 day .. in 5 months ...before she left ... and i was todl i am putting boundries on her etc etc etc .. by saying that if you can manager then no problem.. but if not then please dont compromise ... .. comon .. i mean is that what islam teaches ...and what about me as a husband .. cant i even say anything which i am concerned of .. and really .. where is committment, forgiveness .. love and Allah ...
Salam Khan,
It seems like you're still pretty worked up over this. Do you think there was some way to save this marriage? Some way to overcome her culture shock? Do you think you've committed a sin by getting a divorce or does it just bother you she left?
Hi M.. Saw you comment
Salam Khan,
It seems like you're still pretty worked up over this. Do you think there was some way to save this marriage? Some way to overcome her culture shock? Do you think you've committed a sin by getting a divorce or does it just bother you she left?
I loved her ... i was always honest with her and i thought i am doing my best.. then i cant stop asking myself why she did what she did .. why she didnt spoke with me .. why she illtreated me .. and if she had reservations then why she didnt made an effort to resolve it .. i cant get over the good times we had and i really saw all my life till death with her ... I am not sure if their was some way to save this marriage because i exhausted all the efforts and the way i was treated pushed me to give divorce ....and i could ahve accpeted khula but i didnt because i wnated her to have 3 months to think over it but that too didnt worked out .. and after divorce she shared all her feelings which i reacted a bit bluntly as i just couldnt believe that for such small things and assumptions and misunderstanding she illtreated me and didnt cared about me, and this sacred relationship of nnikah ...i couldnt justify her reason of islam, job and family ..which i thought are the base of any marriage .. it hurts .. it really does...I didnthad a choise but to divorce .. so being sinfull of giving divorce doesnt make much sense but Allah knows ... it bother me that she left ... it does .. i am honest .. i really does ... its hurts .. i just cant believe that for her ...the materilistic reaosn were more then this relationship, love, and me .... and i do relaise that i was provoked on different ocaasion where i reacted in a blunt way which i could have reacted in a better way .... but i treid to over come that and i tried to make things right and litrally asked forgiveness for the sake of our relationship ..irrespective of who is right and who is wrong but she didnt bothered and this kills me ... i cant believe how she can be so insensitive .....hard to moce on M.... ..... I listened alot ...from her father which was very wrong .. and i was pictured in a wrong way .. he said to me that what have you done for her and what do you do all day ... it killed me ... i work my "ss off and thats how she portrayed me .. i gave her the best but that wasnt enough for her .... how can i move on with such a thing.. cant stop thinking .. she left me all alone .. didnt even think about me ..at all ..... I dotn understand ..lots of things .. i dont know why i will even get married again .... i wont .. i wont be able to give someone all ... and the worst feeling is .. that i really think the problems were not taht big and could be resolved but ...her side didnt even tried .. they didnt even called for once and they ignore calls from my family ... how humiliating and painfull is that ... and they were like if she doesnt wana live then they wont force her ... .. i feel bad .. i cant believe she is gone .. and the reaosn are just ....ahh ... i never thought that me saying something for her and our good will bring such results in our life ..i could have been more patient and i agree with my drawback but i am a human . nothing i did was intentional but that wont chnage the past or bring her back ... i really dont know how to move on . and now what to ask Allah ... i cant ask allah for her but i dont want to live in peace without her .. so i dont even ask for peace from Allah as well .. its just so confusing and draning 🙁 i jst dont know what to do
Over come her culture ..shock or make things better .. yes why not .. why not .. after all what was happeneing between us .. i never thought i will divorce her beuase i was optimistic and had belief in Allah that .. with dua and prayer and more patience ..things wil get better .. but she just walked away ... i could have done ruju with her but u had no support whats so ever ..saving this marriage could be only by saying yes yes yes yes to everything .. which i did to an extent but ...thats not how i wnated to do ruju .. because same things would ahve happened .. so i said to her that ...family is important so lets not ocmpromise of family as i thought this wil strengthen our relationship and atleast if she comes .. she wil come with the mindset of committment .. not on conditions of years years..etc .. and islam i said i woudl veery even impose or forceanything ..and again didnt stopped her from her job etc ... and i just wanted some level of committment and support but again it just didnt worked out .. she didnt communicated well or said anything which could have helped the situation .. now after 4 months i think i could ahve said in a different way etc ..but it was all one sided effort .. i wish she would ahve put an effort ..but it was all abotu her .. not for a single sec i felt t hat she has thought abotu me or our relationship .. it was all what she thinks ,wants etc ... and it just didnt worked out ... Allah knows best ...
Salam Khan,
So based on what you're saying, you're in love with her and are confused as to why the relationship ended. To understand what happened try putting yourself in her shoes.
Compare her life with you and her life in Pakistan. What did she have there and what did she get with you?
The thing is, she may have had a lot of support in Pakistan. She may not be cooking every day, someone else may be doing that for her. She may not have had to do any cleaning as someone else may have done that as well. On top of that, her family and friends are all there. So when she comes to live with you it is a sacrifice on her part. She's not gaining as much as you are. For you, everything is a positive with her living with you. You used to go to an empty house and now you have someone there. Other than that, nothing really changes for you. You keep your job, your friends, and your family. So there is a net gain for you to have her. For her, she loses a lot by leaving Pakistan and then staying alone with you. She remained married to you until the honeymoon period was up and then after that it seems she questioned her life choices and decided it would be best to leave.
I agree with her decision to leave. You two want different things in life, there's a significant difference in religion between you two and the amount of work she's expected to do versus how much she does makes it better off for her to stay in Pakistan.
At this point you need to figure out who would gain an advantage by being with you. And it seems like such a person would probably be used to the hard work that it takes living in UK. Other than that you may want to see a relationship counselor that can give you a better understanding of what happened. Good luck, salam.
Hi M .. reply to you recent comment which was alam Khan,
So based on what you're saying, you're in love with her and are confused as to why the relationship ended. To understand what happened try putting yourself in her shoes.
Compare her life with you and her life in Pakistan. What did she have there and what did she get with you?
The thing is, she may have had a lot of support in Pakistan. She may not be cooking every ....
My comment here:
I have always treated her or have tried to put my self in her shoes .. Before getting married she lived in the UK with her sister. So she got the idea while living with her elder sister and how life is in the UK. I am sure she assisted her in all house chords and was well familiarised with how things work in the UK as she told that to me by herself. She at the same time did her Masters degree as well so was again well familiarised with customs and the way life is in the UK. She then went back to pakistan after living for good 2 years and wanted to get married with someone in the UK so she can come back because that’s sortof life she choosed for herself.. While doing this marriage her father did said to her that life in the UK alone is not easy …and after engagement when we spoke … she knew this and she was ready for it .. Actually I got the impression that She wanted to come over as she knew how things work ..
Keeping in view about the support and her background in pakistan , which I was well aware of … I supported her in everything I could.. Cooking , cleaning .. I mean really in 1 bed flat --- may be you would do cleaning not that often.. I am not saying it wouldn’t have hard for her but what I am saying is I was their ro assist and she never complained on any of these things, because I never gave her a reason to… I never over burden her with anything ..even if she used to be ill… I used to come from office and prepare dinner and serve and I used to love it ..i mean doing all this for her …
If she made a sacrifice on her part to comeover then its her decision—I am not a toy that .. someone will use me and then if they think they cant adjust they will just walk way .. I am so disappointed to see how you supported her for her action of walking away just because it was too much for her .. really ?? I am a human as well with heart and emotions … I never spoke to a girl even in my life and she was everything for me ..i loved her … so much .. And do you really think I haven’t doen no sacrifice … really ?? I sacrificed everything for her .. my time, money, love, emotions…social commitments, etc etc et c… just because so she don’t feel left out .. I don’t have no family here .. I am in a very similar situation to her .. my family is in paksitan as well…
You just said you agree with her decision … I just cant believe that .. no offense but you have no idea what u just said ..
Also .. let me tell you something … the amount of work was nothing .. by Allah if she would have counted the blessing ..she would have appreciated … I mean .. no interence .. just both of us … she might cook .. may be 3 -4 times a week .. and I would support on weekends and may be we will go out to eat .. so cooking not a problem .. cleaning .. that must be carried out like an exercise may be 1-2 days a week .. and if she had problems with these bascis then she could have told me and I would have helped her .. which I used to do ..like cleaning dishes or moping on weekend… their wasn’t much at all .. so I cant buy these reasons..
Yes religion is definatly a reason and I agree with you but .. she raised these issues once she left …didn’t even got me a chance or took me in confidence if she had insecurities .. and when I asked why u didn’t spoke with me when you were with me .. then she said she knew the answer … I mean assumptions assumptions assumptions … that’s unfair and that’s what kills me… She raised the other point of starting family and job with me and we had a conversation about it and it was resolved .. on family I said to her that I wont start it until you are happy and ready … what else I could have done .. and on job .. it was relation to situation so .. we couldn’t say yes or no on that issue … that was all between us .. it kills .. it hurts … the way she used to make me feel when she was with me .. I uused to get upset as well .. but I didn’t kicked her out or said I will give you divorce .. I was trying to resolve the matters .. and that’s what marriage demands …
I don’t know … thanks for your comments .. Allahfiz
Salam Khan,
I still agree with the divorce, it was either she would leave or you would divorce her but it's unlikely that it would work.
She wants a less Islamic household where her daughter does not cover, there is less interest in Islam, she can work, and her home is not her priority.
You want a muslim woman who loves being a homemaker and likes to have and raise good kids, and has her family as her priority, and she likes Islam.
The difference between what you two want is large enough to warrant large compromises, and for her, she doesn't want to compromise. That's why she wanted to see how she liked the relationship with you before having kids. In the end she decided that the relationship wasn't what she wanted and left.
It's great that you were willing to compromise and keep working on the marriage but she's a different person. It's easier for her to drop a marriage that's not working out for 1.5 years than to continue working on it. And I agree with this. It's either you become less Islamic which would be wrong, or her become more Islamic and like being a homemaker, which is not happening. So why waste time together, bring kids into it and then fight for 40 years over it? It didn't work, let her move on and wait to get a guy more like her. You should take time to heal and get over her and then get married again to someone more Islamic who wants the same thing.
One other thing, the reasons she gives you for the divorce are not assumptions. It is in your nature to be more Islamic, to fight for the marriage, to raise Islamic kids, to push Islam at home. While it is her nature to not be as Islamic, to emphasize getting a job, to raise kids that do not cover, to ignore the command of Allah that says she should do iddat with you. You two are different on Religion and that's usually a deal breaker for most marriages and then on top of it you two disagree on priorities, gender roles, and how to raise children.
If you find a good muslim homemaker you will be much happier. It will take you about 1.5 years to get over your ex-wife. Good luck. Salam.
May I ask how well you and your wife got to know each other before getting married? I'm asking because you wrote this:
How did you not know what she wanted before you married her? How did you not know what her expectations of marriage and family life is before you married her? I mean, knowing if a person wants to work, stay at home, have children, their level of religiosity, etc. are all basic things normal people usually ask about before saying yes or no to a potential spouse. Did you two meet and get married within a week, or something? It sounds to me like you have skipped getting to know the basics about each other before you got married - in which case, no wonder your marriage is in shambles. No offence. It's not very smart to marry someone you don't know whether you're compatible with or not. Because this is what it all comes down to: You and your wife don't seem to be compatible.
With extreme compromises, I guess incompatible couples can make their marriage work, but it's really hard. You need to accept that the woman you have married is very different from you, and you either accept her as the person she is, or you don't and divorce her. And she needs to ask herself the same question: Can she accept you exactly as you are, or are you too different for her?
In regards to trying to help her better herself: Well, it's noble of you to want the best for your wife, and you are right, it's a Muslim's obligation to encourage good habits and behaviour. However, you didn't marry a child, you married an adult woman - you can encourage her to pray once, twice or even ten times, but at some point you just have to stop. It's not working, and your wife might start to perceive your nice efforts as annoying nagging, belittling, and so on. If she hasn't reached that point already.
About her insecurities: What are these insecurities, exactly? If she has issues, she needs to work on herself to feel more confident in herself. Are you sure her insecurities aren't YOU putting some pressure on her that she's too fragile to handle? For instance, on one hand, you say you don't mind her holding a job, but on the other hand you expect her to be a traditional housewife while holding a job. For one, it's a lot of pressure on any person to both work (full-time) and take care of a household single-handedly - most people that do this are constantly tired and often also depressed. It sounds to me like your wife might be stressing out over the thought of this burden. It seems to me like your wife only wants to focus on work, and not have much to do with cooking, cleaning and doing laundry.
I hope you realise that it's not her Islamic duty to cook and clean for you; Of course, it's your right to prefer a more traditional kind of wife that will cook and clean for you, but if having a traditional wife is so important to you, you should have been sure that the woman you married is the type of woman that aspires and wants to be a housewife. Your wife is not that woman, it seems.
Answer to 1st Paragraph:
It was an arranged marriage… Her father said that she wants to work in a generic way, like if she gets it then fine if not then its ok… It was a very generic conversation. I Did mentioned to them before nikah and at engagement time that I am not against job etc .. but for me house family etc .. comes first.. And she didn’t said anyting against it .. They saw my mother doing full shariah niqab and my sister told them that I am a family orientated person and has always stive towards Islamic values and obligations.. this was all clear .. Even after engagement she saw my behaviour and she didn’t complained….she never said she wanted to make a carrer at that time .. I guess her priorities got different and so extrememe once we started to live together .. As if she just wanted to come to UK prom pakistan… etc ..it was a surprise for me but I helped as much as I could …We didn’t knew eachother before marriage … I don’t see many people compatible around and I do understand we were incompatible with regards to religion and priorities, job etc … I was doing all my duties and fulfilling my responsibilities in the best way .. She has the best house, loyal husband … who earns halal.. loves her … no problem on financial sides etc .. so I got a bit annoyed that .. even though I am not stopping her to do the job then what is stopping her to start a family.. The only reason she would give is that all I want is a baby etc .. and she will make me feel so bad, as If I am asking something out of the moon … and it wasn’t about the child .. I was really just trying to communicate that whats stopping her ..and if there is something we need to work on then lets start working on it …but it wasn’t good enough for her .. I never forced this decision on her …
Answer to 2nd Paragraph:
I think I was doing the compromise any ways .. on her looking for jobs, not having the baby and not forcing or nagging her on islam … but its it wasn’t good enough for her .. now does Allah and society wants a husband to just go quite and get eaten up from inside himself if wife is not supporting or communicating is a healthy manner???
Answer to 3rd Paragraph:
I was encouraging her … and not 10 times .. I remember I might have said to her about prayer may be 1 -2 times in 4 months .. I mean is this too much to ask for …I stoped .. I didn’t talked about islam etc etc .. because ei wanted to my actions to speak … but she just walked away !!!!! and if saying good things will annoy a mature 28 years old girl then I think its her problem .. she was from pakistan and family of etiquettes of islam.. it wasn’t an alien thing for her and neither she was a 22 years old girll..?? and is this fair on me that her perceived in securities etc .. and misunderstanding would even give me a chance to make things better even though I am trying to help … but rather she left my house .. illtreated me .. without even speaking with me she got the familes involved …and then said that don’t put boundries on her .. whch I didn’t .. so either she is lying or she got insecure when I said that if you can manage the job then do it and if you cant handle it then please don’t compromise .. the reason I said this was because she didn’t proved herself to me as well and I was getting insecure as well for her behaviour .. For example .. in 1.5 years of marriahe I never ever ptu any burden on her .. and once I said can you make a dessert for me this afternoon from office and they way she treated me was … they way she feels and the way people live in the UK is that if she has made one food …then the day she has not made anything then its easier for her to make something that day….and the reason she said that was because there are no servant in the UK as it was the case in pakistan and its hard for her … this was 1st time ever I asked her to make something sweet for me and that’s how I was treated … I didn’t said anything .. but I got this insecurity that making 10 min custard jelly is har don her then .. when she asked me about doing job after child .. I just said in that perspective that … if you can manage it then do it .. I didn’t say no to her .. I am in the office from 7:30am to 6:pm … its her who has to manage that’s all I said … then why would she get insecure .. and she wants all from my and not giving me anything ?? even though I am compromising …
I think she made me insecure that she wont be able to handle things from her attitude towards me:
1) I was the person who wouldn’t even let her pick heavy stuff ..to be kind and nice to her …so I don’t burden her
2) If she was ill ,, I used to make her dinner or take her out with love
3) I did everything Icould to make her feel special
I know its not an Islamic duty for women to cook .. but if I am working 7-6pm .. then do you expect me to come home and cook as well .. is that what islam preaches … if she doesn’t wants to cook .. that’s fine .. I would have said anything but I wasn’t that kind of person…. and I mean .. it was only 2 of us .. no one else ..all our family and relations are in Pakistan … so she used to cook like 3 times a week as we can eat the left over the other day … so cooking and cleaning is really not something a problem or issue I saw at all… because I used to help he rin cooking , cleaning .. etc .. I mean she had a perfect life .. but I feel she is just being ungreatfull .. Her routine was to wake up .. have a nice breakfast.. search for jobs … go out for window shopping etc .. come back home … chit chat .. enjoy movie tV.. cook or clean if she had to that day … and then by that time I am home and life was just going on and on in circles with that routine .. so that’s why I was lyk now we should take a step further … she is looking for jobs .. that’s ok … but now we should conceive a family .. having a baby is in Allahs hand …but we should have the intention as well and nice warm behaviour towards it … instead of saying to me that inshAllah we will start it … she used to just make my communication and concern an issue .. and would start to cry and say things which would really hurt me .. like .. for you everythiong might be ok but for me there are bits which are not .. and all you want is child etc etc … even though I spoke to her about it like … after 3-4 month of our commitment not to have a child for now.. but I was just having a conversation…so we get in to common terms … am I not a human … who else I would speak with .. if not my wife..
.. if it was ME then it was because of her…… I really feel baad… and her parents involvement just made it worse…
For one, it's a lot of pressure on any person to both work (full-time) and take care of a household single-handedly - most people that do this are constantly tired and often also depressed. It sounds to me like your wife might be stressing out over the thought of this burden. It seems to me like your wife only wants to focus on work, and not have much to do with cooking, cleaning and doing laundry.
It was actually me who was thinking that she will stress out and exhausted so i didnt wanted to put any burden on her ... And it was clearly her choice to lead a life which includes looking after house (Along with me offcourse--i wasnt running away from being helofull) and children and job (Part time) .... So she wanted to do it this way ... and all i said was if you can manage it do it ... Instead of saying that no you wont be able to manage it etc .. i said if you can manage it then do it and if it gets hard or things like yourself and children and house gets compromised and you get exhausted n all that then dont compromise on whats more improtant .. but she couldnt bear that .. i even said in a loving way taht i am doign and providing everything so enjoy your life .. why do you want to work etc ... i said this because she couldnt find the job for last 6 months and i wanted to make her feel better .. that its not a big deal ... but she took that negative as well .. didnt spoke with me and and after talaq she sad taht i said .. why do you want to work ... i was shicked and disaapointed ... All i intended and said was only for her .. didnt even forced her on anything ... what ever i said was to give her the independance of making the right decision when their is an issue etc ... but i think she jsut wanted to listen what she wanted to lsiten ... how could on this earth i would know what women is thinking if she does speaks or communiacte with me ... if she would interpret my wordings in a negative way and say things like i am in secure that you might stop me form doing the job by making small excuses etc ... i said why i would do that .. and then she said that .... that what she felt from my conversation ...thats unfair and if their was a misunderstaing then instead of clearing that with me ... she went and never came back ... and lied about what i said in her own understanding that i am putting boundries on her by saying this will happen or taht will happeen .. i never ever even though like that .. and then i tried to made my self clear but she just didnt listened .. i mean is taht all what matters in a marriage ... i just cant believe it ... whata bout affection, compromise, love, empathy ... rights, responisbilities, priorities... etc etc etc ....i mean .. reallyyy .... i cant believe what all has happened ..
Also i would like to say: Didnt she saw at first getting married that ... We are more inclined towards islam .. My mother went their and she does full Veil/niqab ... which is for sure a clear indication visually and then my sister made it very clear that my brother is serious towards islamic values and obligation...They didnt had no probelm at that time.. And i made it very clear that I will provide full and as far as job goes ... as long as things dont get compromised then i have no problem .. so how its any different to what i am saying after 1.5 years of marriage and now she is getting irritated that why am i even saying this and she feels i am putting boundries on her .. is this fair on me ... if she would have spoken with me then we would have get in to mutual consensus but rather she used me to go to her family and then told me all her concerns .. and didnt came back ... so is this the way to solve problems by leaving house and humiliaitng the husband ..so to get what she wants ... just because we have a different openioun etc ... she started ignoring me .. etc .. and she was supposed to come back but she didnt ....what i woudl ahve done ... i just then said that if thats how you feel and thats how you are going to treat me and the problems between us again n again then .. i dont see our future together ... speak to your family and let me know what you want and still if this is how you will treat me then i will send you divorce papers ...... I never wanted to say this and this was wrong on my part but i was so helpless and she lied to things i never said and left me , ignored me, humiliated me... and taunted me ... whats left in a relationship then ... still i kept my cool and tried to make her understand and compromise but she as always got so much stubborn and just started continue to ask for divorce.... I even told her that if their would be difference of opinion on matters then if wont go my way or your way .. we will toss ... to over come the insecurity she has about things ... and i told her that we will both look at the situation and see whats bets for us ... but she kept on aksing for divorce ... to a point where i apologized that if i have said or done anything to her unintentionally for our relationship but again her stuuborn behaviour and her family didnt help .. and then it was all over .. I just lost hope with her , her family etc etc. everything .... during iddat as well i tried but didnt worked out ... ... Does these insecurities big enough which could be misunderstandings as well to ask for divorce .. is that what the marriage is all about ... i am really sad to see some of the commens people has made here.. that she just got insecure and she wanted different so she left ... it seems like its all about her ... not "us " and not what is right .. not what islam teaches and not what is important ..... its seems like if a husband is insecure and upset..and speaks about his concern then he has make a grave mistake .. ... And then people will just walk away ... What about the husband striving hard to give the best to his wife... does everything he can , emotionally, financially, religiosuly etc etc etc .. it seems like walking on crushed mirror ...
Thanks everyone for your comments
You commented that you didn't expect her to be less Islamic especially living in a Islamic country Pakistan. She probably didn't expect you to be so traditional, strict minded living in UK. Both of you are very different. Marrying overseas is difficult to get to know someone very well. You didn't ask the main basic questions, you assumed since family member dresses Islamic and hold a Islamic manner then their kids are Islamic. It could be that she married you to come to UK, since she doesn't want to have a child and be a career woman...maybe not. Before getting married, did you speak about Islamic stuff as a normal conversation, talking about lives of prophets, appreciating Islam...not just are you praying, this is what I want. If you did, was she entuastic about it? That should have been your indicator. If your someone that talks about Islam all the time then you should have had a decent conversation with her prior to deciding to marrying her. These days it's tricky to marry a girl back home. They sure are smart, once they get married, move to a western country then they divorce the guy...now I don't know if that's the case with her, since she is not prioritizing household/having a family.
Hi Tami..
I am from pakistan as well... so my tranditions were very clear wehn my mother asked her hand .. they saw my mother in niqab/full veil ...and my sister clearly stated about me that I am inclined towards islam and the basic teaching to bets of my ability .. no one is perfect, neither i demanded perfection from her at taht stage ... I didnt meant i expect her to be less islamic , what i meant is that to differetiate between right and wrong .. for example on our first major argument/fight and when she left ... and i managed to bring her back .. the committment she took was that if we have a baby girl then she wont do the hijab .. thats where i got an understanding of how she looks after the affairs of islam and the commandments of Allah .. but i didnt argued...& left this to Allah ... what i meanis that ..even though their are many muslims in pakistan .. my friend sand family ..etc .. they are not following obligation (Basic Obligation) of islam .. including me .. but we are not stadning against the commandment ... Even after marriage i never spoke about hijab or islam or prayers that much .. may be 1-3 times in 4 months .. also like in uncouncious way ... not intentioanlly to tell her sort of attitude
I know i didnt asked the main questions but after nikah and before rukhsati .. we sopke over the phone and i did noticed that when ever i used to talka bout islam or send her something nice to listen to .. she responded ok ... I did noticed for a secoond that she is not really fortcoming or u know like respond in a positive way but it was hard to assume over the phone ...and in normal conversation she never brought up any islamic conversation and when ever i used to do it .. she would just says .. hmm...hmm hmm.. and listen but i thought its normal .. i mean it was first time for me to talk with a women .. i have been in the UK for last 11 years and striving hard to study and now work .. i never got t know how people would behave and i did felt that she is not that fortcoming but she wasnt really that bad as well ... and i didnt wanted to nagg or be persist about it so .. the conversation just went on in different aspects ...
She did rejected lots of proposals because she wanted to come to the UK to live her life and i did heard her saying to her sister that she didnt just got married to look after house and childen .. but she also wanted to make a career... tahts where i got to know that why she is behaving as she was ... but i still didnt stoped her to look out for jobs and the time was just going on and on .... I started to feel uninterested behaviour when ever i would speak about that whats stopping you from starting a family.. so we both can work on those problems .. but her reply was so hurtfull,,, she would say things liek ... all u need is child and nothing else is important for you .. and everything might be ok for you but i do see problems etc etcc ... u know how much it hurts when your own wife says all this .... but i still tried to ask her what probelms and she raised the day to day arguments which happens unintentioannly in all household .. and i told her that this happens everwhere .. even in marriages 20+ years down the line .. but he main thing is how we communicate and resolve issue but she was really negative and interpreted that now i am saying that problems will always ahppen ... i mean i was trying best but it wasnt just enough for her to support or understand the situation ... again i did forced ehr and said to her .. that ok .. i wont talka botu children, and we wont have it until you are happy and now you will tell me once you are happy and ready .. and i just left this decision on her .... what else i could have done to comprimsie .. and all this behaviour was just so like ...emotional abuse for me .. as i wasnt egtting any support from her at all ... and she was taking committment like not to have a family for 1 year ..6 months etc .. and i lived up tp taht committment but ...when i spoke to her with the intention of findind out why she never speak about this and whats stopping her so we can work on it etc .. she just couldnt bear it .. and starteed saying that now i am breaching my comittment .. i mean i cant even talka about my right of having a family .. for us .. for her .. for love .. for our future ... for our relationship and i did expalined this to her .. but she wuld wont understand ...
All i used to say to her was taht .. ok you are looking for job .. thats find but ..its been 1.5 years of your doing it .. and i am not stopping you to do it .. but atleast now prioritise your life based on us ... i am also someone in this relationship who needs to move on a ladder in this relationship .. tahts all i said ... but again .. problem... which provoked me to a point where i just went mad 2-3 times and shouted at her ... but that was wrong and i did applogied for that ....How can someone demands perfection from a human being .. i am a human as awell ..i am not defending my self but .. whats the point of getting married if all a man has to do it provide, work hard ,..give the best lifestyle according to his means... i did everything .. i know its my duty and i was doing it with pride to take ajar from Allah .. but their is point where a man comes home after all day ... provides everything and in return he cant even speak or share a legitimate concern to his wife to makes things better between us .... and imagine i was coming home .. it was only 2 of us .. in the same routine .. again n again and cant speak about islam/prayer because she gets irritated.. (Which i didnt .. i litrally might have said 2-3 time in 4 month before she left) and cant have a family because she doesnt and then you expect him to be all along happy ??? i mean it wasnt intentional but how can i be happy and not tryt o communicate and resolve the issues .. which i did eventually and she left ... i mean ... all i said was if you can manage the job then do it and if you cant handle it then dont stress urself, the kids out .. and i didnt said it myself...she asked me .. it was her who asked me this quesiton, otherwise i dont live in the future .. who knows what happens int he future .. and whne i said this ... she got insecure that i might stop her to do the job with excuses ... even though i said i would never do that ... but she wasnt convined .. but the worst part is that .. i really hurts that all what was important for her .. more then me, nikah, islam and our love was .. the damn Job ... really !!! i was getting reasy pissed off with this word job job job job ... i never stopped her but everything else seemed to be down the list and it was always what she wants .. how she wants and if i say somehting then .. i am the bad perosn .. trying to control her or using islam in my favour .. by Alllah i never even thought like that .... She never even tried to understand me or compromise ever....
I really got dishearted when she didnt came back to me .... didnt knew what to do .. her family didnt took calls from my family .. and i just said to her then that if this is how you want to do and after all i do still u think their are boundries etc etc etc ...and you dont want a family and you can even bear any thing i communicate with you or even have patitnce to listent o me in any good things then i dotn have a choice but to send you divorce papers ... .... I loved her .. ...we ahd good time .. i cant imagine how she can just do this ignoring everything else .. i used to think that what women need .. a husband who loves, provides halal ..is not miser... is kind ... try to take care as much as possible ... we used to eat out so many times.. she was living her life without any interferecne at all as their was no one .. i used to come around 5:30pm ... and until then .. I thought she had the best life ... beautiful city .. wake up int he morning have a nice breakfast ... search for jobs ... go out for a walk .. shopping .. etc etc ... cook may be 3 times a weekk .. tahts it .. and clean may be 2 times a week .. & i always appreciated that ... but once i said to her dont you feel like making something speal for me and as always she took it negative by saying that i ahve unrealistic expectations and i see what u want to see but not what she does .. i expalined her thats not the case but she was always negative ..it really hurts ... sometime she would say thing that i never ever would have thought about and she really used to make me feel bad ...... She even said to me ... taht last time when she left and if i would have said the said thing about job .. of managing it and all that .. then she would have thought if she wants to come back or reconcile or not ......I dont know what the truth is .. all i know is that ....this has happened now ... she didnt came back ... i tried .. lost hope .. gave her 1 talaq with the hope that if she would understand then i will do ruju but 3 month went by and nothing happened ..... i tried till the very end ...... but i cant believe how she can do this ..for these reason ... and if you bring islam in to it then ... isnt this my right to have a child .. do i ahve any rights at all as a husband .... to hell with rights .. now a days no one cares abotu right . and if you talk about right s and islam .. then i am accused of using islam in my favour .. or belitting the oposite sex .. i mean .. everyhting is so complicated ..... ...ahhh
Brother, I think you just married the wrong person. You both don't see the same things in life and it should have been discussed at the very very beginning. What made you be attracted to her. She is who she is, that's her personality. You didn't take the time to get to know her well. She is not that interested in you now and before. Talking about Islam on and on will do no good because she is not into religion, seems more like she want to live a single liberal life.
Listen, you just picked the wrong girl to marry. She doesn't care about you or the marriage. More to use you to come to U.K. If you feel she married you for love and feelings, then stop judging her Islamically. She probably feels that she is not good enough for you or you don't like her because she is not following the basics of Islam. You admitted that she was like..."hmm hmm hmm" when Islam was discussed before marriage. But that's not who she is...she is not into her religion nor you.
Thanks Tami.. I do realise this ..
Its hard to take this in... because on the outskirts it looked all ok and i do agree with you that she had completely different priorities in life and didnt really understood the basic of marriage .. leave religion aside .. i am not talking about religion/islam etc .. because i never forced her to do anything with regards to religion wheather its hijab, prayers or anything like that ... its more about she couldnt accpet me as a person with regards to planning our life ... together .. its was allll about her from the very beginning
I dont knwo why then Allah choose her for me .... i know it was my decision to marry her ... but what about Allahs decree and then now divorce ?? again Allahs decree... .. Allah knows well .. 🙁