Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I divorce him or reconcile?

I need some advice. 
I have been married for three years. We have a 1-year-old daughter. Our Nikkah took place 6 months before I moved to his home, because I wanted to complete my studies. We met each other a few times before marriage and got into arguments even then. But they did not matter so much then.

A few months later I caught him flirting on the net. We had a talk. He said it was just for fun, apologized and promised never to repeat it. He even shed a tear and became very emotional. I caught him again few months later. Same thing happened. I got pregnant, and since then I have found him returning to this habit again a few times, but I didn’t confront him, or tell him anything.

We started to have really big arguments on trivial issues when I was pregnant, that lasted for days. He loves to clothe me in beautiful dresses (only when we go out) and takes me to the finest restaurants when we dine out, but it’s a war when we retire for the night or when we are alone.

He respects my parents in their presence, but complains to me about them all night long. I don’t cry that easily, but 85% of the time (mostly nights) I am crying and alone, because he’s scolding me and sleeps separately after venting his emotions. Since then, even my behavior has changed. After giving birth to our child, I get angry easily, and have even started to answer back. Nowadays I even answer back rudely.

He can't stand little carelessness; and he is irritated about my physical features. He spends de night out of the room or sleeping alone over trivial, really small stuff. Once, when I went to say sorry for a stupid thing I did, he pushed me away physically. I can't forget this incident because I was pregnant at that time and needed his support. He was never there when I needed him.

Sure I’m imperfect, but I am trying to improve myself daily and I know I have. I’m as good as any girl of my age and status. But I guess he’s impatient with me, and loses his temper easily and quite frequently.

In the beginning, at the time of our Nikkah I was his ‘angel’, now he calls me his big mistake. Twice in his anger he threatened to injure/kill me, which he forget afterwards. 
Recently, we had a big fight and I lost all control over myself. I tried to kill myself, but I got saved with minor injuries. I know its wrong, and I am trying to make peace with myself now and do tauba. Hope Allah will forgive me. Ameen.

Anyway I’m home now and don’t want to return to him. I don’t know what to do. He asked me to come back, and says that I don’t care about him. 
I used to love him dearly, but I don’t anymore. I don’t want to live with him, it's very depressing.

But we have a child. I don’t want her to live in a broken home.

He is not remembered as someone I spend good time with, rather as someone who broke my heart, destroyed my dreams, and created a void in my life. But he loves our daughter, takes very good care of her (truth, seeing that gives me a small pang of jealousy, sometimes... don’t know if that's right). He misses her, says I'm trying to keep her away from him, that it’s his fate.

He doesn't call to hear her voice or has not seen her for 3 months now (he has ego problems with my parents now). He just sits at home and calls it his fate.

Please advise


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3 Responses »

  1. Salam

    I understand how u feel do you guys pray5 times a day? If not you and your husband should start praying then and make Dua for your marriage everytime you pray.

    The Muslim woman should be wise in her dealings with her husband, because man – usually – is pleased with kind words and appreciates kind treatment.  So if that comes from his life-partner, that will have a greater effect. The wise woman must also keep away from all kinds of behaviour that will offend her husband, and rid herself of every kind of action that annoys him, and try not to control him. The man has the role of qawwaam (protector and maintainer), and the responsibility is his. Making him feel that he is falling short in certain situations may make him angry and not treat his wife well. One of them said: “The best wife is the one who knows how to create harmony in her marriage and strikes a balance between obeying and respecting her husband and expressing her own strong personality.”  

    “O my daughter, you are leaving your house in which you grew up, and going to live with a man whom you do not know, a companion whom you are unfamiliar with. Be like a slave woman to him and he will be like a slave to you. Remember ten characteristics which will be a stored treasure for you: 

    The first and second are to be devoted to him and be content, listen to him and obey. 

    The third and the fourth are to consider his nose and eyes; do not let him see anything ugly of you, or let him smell anything but a good fragrance. 

    The fifth and the sixth are consider the time of his sleeping and eating, for hunger burns and disturbance of sleep causes anger. 

    The seventh and the eighth are to look after his wealth and to take care of his family and his dependents. 

    The ninth and the tenth are to look after his wealth and take care of his dependents.” 


    The husband has to fear Allaah his Lord, and not transgress the rights of his wife. He should give her her rights as Allaah has enjoined upon him. He should realize that people vary, and that what he knows, many people are ignorant of, and what he is ignorant of, many people know.  For him to have a wife who will translate for him and show him what will benefit him and how things are done is better for him than having someone with him whom he cannot trust. Knowledge can only be acquired by learning, and the way to learn is by striving and working hard. 

    Advise him to try to control himself at times of anger, and not to get angry unless you have transgressed one of the sacred limits of Allaah. This is the kind of anger that is regarded as praiseworthy. 

    Divorce should be the last option in ur mind! U should try to make this marriage work give him respect be polite to him and try as hard as you can even though it is hard to do!

    Think about the affects it will have on your daughter

    May Allah guide you and give you peace and fill your hearts with love!!

    Take care


  2. Zinny, reconciliation under the present circumstances is not an option. He has threatened to kill, you have attempted suicide... this is no life to go back to.

    On the other hand, I think there's something you can try before divorcing. I suggest that you continue living separately for now, but the two of you should start seeing a marriage counselor on a weekly basis. A good marriage counselor can help you learn how to communicate with each other. Your husband can learn ways of communicating what's bothering him, rather than simply pushing you away or leaving the room. And the two of you might learn to relate to each other in non-destructive ways.

    If your husband will not agree to this, then I don't see a way forward for the two of you. You cannot go back to what you had. Living in misery is not good for you or your child.

    Wael Editor

  3. Asalaam alaykum,

    Your sentence here: I tried to kill myself, but I got saved with minor injuries.

    ......pretty much says what the relationship status is like. His complaints that it's his "fate" are the excuses of a weak man who seems to have taken little responsibility for the state of his marriage. Your suicide attempt is alarming since it tells of your emotional state which you later confirm as:

    Anyway I’m home now and don’t want to return to him. I don’t know what to do. He asked me to come back, and says that I don’t care about him. 
I used to love him dearly, but I don’t anymore. I don’t want to live with him, it's very depressing.

    I would encourage you to get your head on straight until you can see clearly both logically and emotionally. You should not return to an atmosphere that will see you try to kill yourself again. The tragedy of that is to lose hope in Allah (swt) is a key factor here by protecting yourself from the Shaytan, if you were to commit suicide. Protect your life and your child's well being.

    But we have a child. I don’t want her to live in a broken home.

    This sentence cannot be entirely true for you, because if you were to try to kill yourself again under these circumstances, then the disaster that would befall it would be even worse.

    He doesn't call to hear her voice or has not seen her for 3 months now (he has ego problems with my parents now). He just sits at home and calls it his fate.

    A man in love with his wife and child doesn't sit at home cosigning himself to his 'fate.' In fact it is the opposite, where he would see his child, take care of her on alternating weeks and would trying to repair this relationship. So this is where my advice to you would really start with you and him.

    The both of you, during this separation, should make plans for him to visit the child or to take care of the child on weekends or some frequent schedule. This will show whether he is really taking this marriage and his fatherhood seriously. This is the most crucial part, because if he cannot get over trifling matters with your parents and take care of his child, then is shows a great level of immaturity on his part and a great character flaw. This would also signify his true desire to either repair the relationship or not and to be honest, you should tell him this. It seems that you've been making all the decisions and suffering the consequences of him constantly being uncommitted to you.

    It is perfectly acceptable to say that infidelity on any level is your STOP point. Some people can tolerate once or twice, but it should never happen and if it does, whether it be flirting, chatting or more serious does not matter. He is violating the marriage in this way and if he does not stop, then he must face what his own hands have wrought. It also seems that he valued you more as a trophy wife for the public rather than as a wife at home. This is a tactic only for his ego and shows his state of mind: that his happiness is what matters and not yours'.

    Also, when spouses insult each other openly about "irritating physical features" this show a huge lack of respect. Again, this is not conducive to a healthy marriage and it most stop. He cannot expect to say this to you and expect intimacy or love. Women are very sensitive creatures in this regard and that is rightly so. Allah (swt) made women this way, so a man must be careful i this regard and when he is not, it causes a woman to fall out o love, as you know. He would have to eliminate this from his behavior and you would have to remove your rude responses, as well. Talking harshly to each other is not aspect of any good marriage.

    You should decide if this marriage is really worth the effort of your sanity and your life, and whether he will start making a commitment to change by taking care of the child while you two are separated, as the first step. If neither of you can do this, then Islamically, you are already at the point of observing your "waiting period" and divorce is the next step.

    I do not suggest divorce lightly, but it is the appropriate time to make up your mind as to what this separation is going to effectively do. The separation is a means to repair the relationship or not, not just a 'cooling off' period without effective changes of mutual participation.

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