Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I end this sad life? Sexually abused by brothers, terrible narcissistic parents and now guilt is killing me. Please help me

pain hurt

I am a 36 year old muslim female living in usa but brought up in in India.

I am feeling suicidal very very depressed since more than 2 years.

I will tell you my story in short. Its going to gross you out because it is so bad. I am sorry but I really need to get this out. If i dont i will surely die.

I have a severely narcissistic mother. Very self centered and selfish. She has divided all us siblings from each other and from all our relatives. She has sown seeds of hatred in our dad for us. She engulfs my brothers and ignores me unless she needs somethung from me. Growing up she was least interested in me but loved my brothers. I was belittled and made fun of. From a good student i turned bad student and i lost my voice so that i could only speak up in front of her. They were sometimes physically abusive. He would bring movie magazines for me but general knowledge books for my brothers. I slowly derailed. Once at age 13 or so i was late with a friend and she came to pick me up she told me u r getting beautiful thats why spoiled let me ruin your face and she scratched my face hard with her nails. I would look for small enclosed areas at home to get away from everyone.
My dads a silent enabler and watches it all never stands up for us. I still talk to them because well they are my parents.

I lived in India until 24, got married and moved to US with my husband a very good man.
At age 5 i was sexually abused by my mothers cousin brother. At age 11 by my older brother, 3 years older than I. He used to think I was asleep and would come touch me.
At age 15 my oldest brother 4 years older than me would start inappropriate touching. I cringed every time but sometimes i think i didnt mind it for I should have stopped them. I dont know why I never complained or stopped him or my younger brother. I blame myself a bit. At age 15 i remember doing a very gross thing. There was a street dog that used to come home and once when it came home in my room and i locked the door and exposed my genitals to him. I DONT know why i did this. I will never know. I did this 2 times i think. No touching or anything just from far away maybe out of curiousity. Its gross i know but i had to get it out here.

At age 16 I got involved with a hindu guy a very druggie kind of guy. I still dont know what I saw in him. I clung to him even after parents found out, they beat me when they found out a second time.We never had sex but I got physically close to him 2-3 times so he doesnt get bored and dump me. I might have enjoyed those few times but i remember clearly he was not attractive at all and i didnt know why i was with him. When things got to family n ugly this  guy dumped me and we all moved on.
When he left i felt so alone.

Then at age 19 i got involved with a handsome muslim guy in college. My mom was very happy about this. She kept encouraging me to be with the guy as he was my sub sect etc.  The guy was extremely good looking but he knew that and slowly started putting me down and making me feel bad about myself. He was verbally abusve too.
When things were good with him I thought I had found the one. I was very attracted to him more than he was to me. We got physically close about 5-6 times but never had sex. I was the one that wanted to be physical with him more than him with me. That shames me. We went to second base but never sex

I dumped this guy when i realized he was a typical male with a massive ego. He wanted to marry me and rule over me. My mom was upset about me dumping him. I was a burden to her after this even more. She would give me silent treatments and i wasnt allowed to go out make normal friends etc.

I waited to get married and be out of the home. In the 2 years after i dumped the second guy and found my husband I would get sexual feelings sometimes. I would think about this second guy and touch myself. I am so ashamed about this too. I used to go sometimes to internet cafe read something erotic and then masturbate. It happened maybe 5-6 times in all. My parents never taught us proper islamic conduct well. I never knew masturbation is haram.
Not once were we sat own and told about sex, attraction, zina etc. Not once about importance of praying. In fact after 21 i left this guy and started praying my mom would still treat me like an outsider, gossip about me to dad and brothers and silent treatments etc once i said i pray i ask for forgiveness from allah why do u still treat me so bad and shes like u domt do a favor me me. It turned me off prayer again. When i prayed sbe would hide the fact from my dad if he came home while i was praying she wud close my room door n keep him busy with food n say she diesnt know what i am doing in my room maybe sleeping. All thsi was so obvious.
I was 21 when i totally left him and 23 and a half when i got married.

My husband is the most wonderful guy ever BUT i never ever felt attracted to him. My mom wanted me out and so did I want to escape her and we got married. To this day i dont feel attraction. After marriage I used to never be abke ti have sex. I decided to watch some bad videos so I could get aroused and did just that about 4-5 times in these 12 years. I would watch them then wait and imagine the videos while doing it with him. I realized masturbation is haraam many years later.

Once i did this video thing during my first pregnancy. I dont know i was depressed by my parents attitide my loneliness in america and frustrated i watched the video and then masturbated and a week later at 36 weeks of pregnancy i lost the baby and was told never ever to get pregnant again or it will kill me.
For the first pregnancy my parents had come to usa but made me very depressed. They said they were here to help me but wud never visit me, when i visited them at m brothers place mom wud make me sleep on an airbed n tell my single brother not to offer his room to me. She wud say things like shes pregnant n brothers r not even married n compare n get sad.

I became a true muslim after that. Only  then i realzed this is haraam. I started praying. I became pious like my husband very scared of Allah. I prayed extra prayers and was happy with life.

With lots of prayers I conceived again and had a baby boy a true medical miracle. I have always noticed Allah punishes me for my small and big sins immediately like within days.

I have never cheated or been disloyal to my husband all these years. I love him with all my heart and love my child.

My parents came to help me for my second baby and ruined my life. They caused drama allegations my mums jealousy etc made it so bad that since the birth of my son I am a changed woman. I hate my life now but want to live for my son. My mother yelled and screamed false accusations at me 3 days after i had given birth was sill in hospital bed and while my premature son was in nicu. My dad joined in and gave abuses to me and my husband for small things we did wrong while they were at my place, for example we were not inviting my brother every day for dinner etc

I have been told Allah forgives. I know He does. I have asked for forgiveness a lot and I know its genuine. My problem is guilt. I feel so much guilt and shame about my past. Like somehow all the abuse i got in life especially my mums was justified. That i was the  worst daughter and person possible. I feel dirty like i dont deserve a thing. I want to know if the things i did were all that bad.

When a counselor tells me dont worry Allah forgives it makes me feel like such a sinner. When they tell me to ask for forgiveness and the guilt will be gone it makes me feel worse. Nobody has sat me down and told me it wasnt really my fault. The abuse wasnt my fault and because of the abuse at such a young age it changed me and maybe thats the reason i did the disgusting things. Nobody tells me the things that happened are not really that disgisting at all they all have a look of yes thats gross. It mskes me feel like I am the worst muslim woman in this world.
I told my best friend and she told me shes never had strong sexual urges never touched herself etc. I do know she belongs to a normal loving family and never has been abused, when she heard about my abuse it was shocking to her. This friend has had circumcision at birth. That could be the reason she never felt pleasure she says.

I need to be validated. I want to be told there are worst things in life that people do that my sins are teeny tiny compared to many others if I have asked for forgiveness.  People tell me they cannot judge its between me and Allah but Allah wont answer me and speak to me so should I just die to get an answer and know the extent of my sins. I am 36 now and all these things happened almost 2 decades back why are they rushing at me now?
Where do i go for answers. I am unable to have a normal life and feel trapped unhappy and ashamed.

Thank you


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57 Responses »

  1. It seems you were advised by an Editor of this site not to post your email ID on here?

  2. Dear sister,

    I felt like I had to respond here since your story made me feel very hurt.
    I have also suffered and know how this all can make u the type of person you don't want to be, can make you feel like you have such a low self esteem and even telling a counselor/therapist may only be helpful to a certain extent. You can try so much but what ppl dnt know is how the past can really hurt us.

    Please know that none of this is your fault hun. You are I'm sure a wonderful person and everyone is different in their own ways. We are no one to judge sumone, only Allah can. Yes we are human beings we all make mistakes but you are not a sinner for having overly active hormones, or feeling a certain way. It's difficult but you are being accepting and admitting this which is the best things one can do or the first things towards recovery.
    I think a lot of these topics are considered taboo in our culture religion and some individuals just may not know how to respond? You need self motivation, and encouragement. Be around positive, when you are down write to Allah swt. Yes it's frustrating that he's not "replying" us but do know that He is there and knows what is in our hearts, or just talk to Him.

    My words may or may not be useful to u, but I myself am experiencing a lot of hardships and difficulties in life. As much as I turned away and thought that I'd be okay without deen, being closer to Allah has given me peace. I feel like I dnt feel as sad wen I hear Quran, read motivating and assuring Hadith, ayahs.

    May Allah bless you with happiness for everything you have come across and help those that are facing hardship. Ameen.

    I hope you get better hun 🙂

    • Thank you Noor. Yes thanks for sayingnits not my fault. I have been through too much in life and seen too much at a young age. Do you think I had over active hormones ? I dont know if thats what it was. Maybe i was seeking attention because of lack of attention at home or maybe the sexual abuse affected me some way.

      • Salaam sister,

        Im happy to see you responding, and this will help you I hope.
        When I said hormones I meant maybe a certain age you felt like that,
        And that's not ur fault. You could be rite abt the sexual abuse thing too,
        This is sum thing u may wanna discuss with ur counselor, since this will
        Help you get over it.

        See you are intelligent mA. I know Hun it's not easy going thru a lot. You are
        Strong and will be rewarded just remind yourself how this is a test for aakhirah.

  3. I am the original poster. I wont be contacting you separately. You could help me here brother.

    I want to add that i think I get the feeling of guilt also because of what I did to my parents the sins etc were much before what they did real bad to me. At least in my head even though they were especially my mum was neglectful and narcissistic i have aways been in denial until 2 years back when i had a baby and eyes were opened to their nature and lack of love, empathy their selfishness.
    I have seen so many poeple get many good responses here. I hope I will too and you guys here will help me out as much as you can. Please dont see this question and move away.

    • AsSalaamu 'Alaikum Sister,

      Nice to see you responding. It seems like your family's behaviors towards you since your childhood have some impact on your guilty feelings. Honestly, you are not entirely wrong in most cases with regard your past stories, and yet, Allah is Most-Merciful. I am sure you have never killed a soul before, but do you know that killing one soul is equivalent to killing the whole mankind? Yet, there was a man who killed 100 souls, and then Allah forgave him when he died on his way to complete his sincere repentance in another land. Therefore, whatever happened in your past, whether they are sins or not, there have been and still are worse sins beyond your imagination.

      The Holy Prophet (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) said:

      “Among those who came before you was a man who killed 99 people. He then asked to be guided to the most prolific worshipper from the inhabitants of the earth, and he was directed to a monk. He went to him and told him that he had killed 99 people, and he asked whether it was possible for him to repent. The monk said, ‘No. The man killed him, thus making him the 100th victim. He then asked to be directed to the most knowledgeable of the Earth’s inhabitants, and he was guided to a scholar. He went to him and told him that he had killed 100 people, and he asked whether it was possible for him to repent. The scholar said, ‘Yes, and who will stand between you and repentance. Go to such and such land, for in it dwell a people who worship Allah, so go and worship Allah with them. And do not return to your land, for it is indeed a land of evil.’ He left, and when he reached the halfway point of his journey, he died. The angels of Mercy and the angels of Punishment disputed with one another [in regard to his case]. The angels of Mercy said, ‘He came to us repentant, advancing with his heart towards Allah.’ The angels of Punishment said, ‘Indeed, he never performed any good deeds.’ Then an angel came in the form of a human being, and both groups of angels asked him to be the judge between them. He said, ‘Measure the distance between the two lands. Whichever land he is closer to is the land that he is closer to [in terms of being of its people]. They then measured the distance and found that he was closer to the land that he was heading towards, and so it was the angels of Mercy who then took his soul.”

      [al-Bukhaari: 3470 ; Muslim: 2766]

      Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says in the Holy Quran:

      "Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves: do not despair of Allah's mercy, for Allah forgives all sins. He is indeed the Forgiver, the Clement."" (Quran 39: 53)

      Al-Bara' b. 'Azib reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said:

      "What is your opinion about the delight of a person whose camel loaded with the provisions of food and drink is lost and that moves about with its nose-string trailing upon the water-less desert in which there is neither food nor drink, and lie wanders about in search of that until he is completely exhausted and then accidentally it happens to pass by the trunk of a tree and its nose-string gets entangled in that and he finds it entangled therein?

      He (in response to the question of the Holy Prophet) said: Allah's Messenger, he would feel highly delighted.

      Thereupon Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said. By Allah, Allah is more delighted at the repentance of His servant than that person (as he finds his lost) camel."

      (Muslim)

      Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says in Hadith Kudsi:

      O My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden amongst you, so do not oppress one another. O My servants, all of you are astray except for those I have guided, so seek guidance of Me and I shall guide you. O My servants, all of you are hungry except for those I have fed, so seek food of Me and I shall feed you. O My servants, all of you are naked except for those I have clothed, so seek clothing of Me and I shall clothe you. O My servants, you sin by night and by day, and I forgive all sins, so seek forgiveness of Me and I shall forgive you. O My servants, you will not attain harming Me so as to harm Me, and you will not attain benefiting Me so as to benefit Me. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to be as pious as the most pious heart of any one man of you, that would not increase My kingdom in anything. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to be as wicked as the most wicked heart of any one man of you, that would not decrease My kingdom in anything. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to rise up in one place and make a request of Me, and were I to give everyone what he requested, that would not decrease what I have, any more than a needle decreases the sea if put into it. O My servants, it is but your deeds that I reckon up for you and then recompense you for, so let him who finds good praise Allah and let him who finds other than that blame no one but himself. (Muslim)

      It seems like your husband is a religious man, why not join him and then engage in religious activities, to make yourself busy from thinking of what your family did to you? Also, reading the Holy Quran and doing dhikr a lot can help divert your thoughts, as they also can soothe your heart and make you feel happy with the grace of Allah upon you.

      Suggested duas/dhikr:

      1. "Laa ilaaha illallahu, wahdahu, laa shareeka lahu. Lahul-mulku walahul-hamdu, wa huwa 'alaa kulli shy'in qodeer (There is no god but Allah, alone, He has no partners. To Him belongs the dominion and all praise, and He has power over all things)" (Bukhari) Recite it 100 times or more everyday.

      2. "Ya Hayyu, ya Qayyum, bi-rahmatika astagheeth. Aslih lee sha'nee kullahu, walaa takilnee ilaa nafsee torfata ‘ayn (O the Living, O the Eternal, I seek help in Your grace. Set right all my affairs, and give me not over to my self even for as little as wink of an eye)." (Bayhaqi) Morning and evening as much as you can.

      Hope this helps for the mean time, and Allah knows best.

      • MashaAllah brother Issah.
        May Allah bless yu abundently fo helpng ds lady out yu nailed ol corners n theres nothng to add up. Big up bro

  4. The last thing this girl needs is men preying on her vulnerabilities and there is no way for anyone to know who is genuine and who isn't--besides, there is nothing that you can do to make her feel better by her contacting you.

  5. Salaams,

    We do not allow personal contact info to be posted on this site. Anything you have to say can be said here.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,

    I won't address all of your concerns, but a couple of things you have mentioned, I believe I can speak to.

    About your parents:

    You seem to know very well who your parents are, and what their faults, and tendencies are. Frankly, their hearts are rather unwell. I am not a therapist, but it is well known that when people try to make you feel bad, it is because of how bad they feel about themselves. The worse a person's self image is, the nastier that person is likely to be to those around him/her, especially those that are the closest.

    Stop thinking of your parents as your parents for just a minute and think of them as people- people with a past, that you know nothing about. You don't know what happened to them to make them behave the way they behave. I am not making this point to make you feel bad for them, but to help you put some distance between yourself and them. They are people, and some people can't cope. Some people don't self examine or face the pain they feel. Some people instead project and react. You'll be doing the same thing if you don't let go of the guilt. Continuing to allow yourself to feel guilty is really carrying on the legacy of your family's dysfunction, and giving that legacy life in your own precious family unit. Your mother came to your house during your second pregnancy, passed the baton to you with all of her negativity, and you, in your guilt, are still holding it. Identify the guilt as a foreign invader in your heart. It does not belong there. When it pops up make a conscious decision to kick it out. I hope you can work with my metaphor.

    About your sexuality:

    Masturbation is a hotly contested issue among ourselves. I am going to tell you not to worry about it. Someone else may comment on this post about how wrong I am, but I still say don't worry about it. If the guilt you feel about masturbation is driving you to thoughts of suicide.............don't worry about it.

    Your past experiences are unfortunate, and only you know how bad they were for you. I do think that what your brothers did was wrong (abuse that can be forgiven if you are able), but I don't think that any of what you did/experienced/felt about the experiences is gross. People are sexual beings. That is why we have so much direction and instruction in Islam about sex, because we are sexual. There are plenty of sexual experiences we are warned against. But don't just think 'it's because it's bad', and stop there. Also keep in mind that we are warned against them because it is not uncommon or unusual for a member of mankind to have a desire to do some of those things. The best thing for you to do would be to stop thinking of your past actions as gross, and start thinking of them as natural reactions to your environment and conditioning (education). As an adult, independent of your childhood environment, you shouldn't be doing anything that makes you feel guilty, and you shouldn't feel guilty for the things you are doing. Get clear about what you want in your relationship and then study Islam to find out if Allah says it is good for us or not- If not, don't do it. But also be very careful not to add to the list of forbidden "fruits" things that have never been mentioned in Islam as forbidden. We are allowed plenty of natural human enjoyment because Allah is merciful.

    Having sexual desire means you are healthy. Your body is functioning properly. Having strong sexual desire means you have strong sexual desire- great for you if you are married and attracted to your husband. But you said you are not attracted to him. Maybe this can be remedied with something as simple as better communication between yourself and your husband. What I mean is, talk about what you want. You know what you want. You are seeking it out in videos (which by the way you should not do again, because it won't help your relationship in the slightest and could be the catalyst to ruining it). Whatever it is that you like in the videos bring it or some modified version of it to your husband.

    It's interesting. Most people have the intimacy part of marriage down, but it's the love they have to work on. It sounds like you've got the love part, but the intimacy is what needs work. That makes sense since intimacy (the inappropriate nature or lack of it) has been an issue your whole life. I think you should just resolve to work on it and talk about it with your husband.

    I am really hoping you let go of your past and embrace your bright future.

    Salaam Sister
    Hana

    • I just wanted to add that I am thinking that when you say you are not attracted to your husband you mean you are not aroused by him. If what you mean is you are not attracted to him then my answer and solution would still be the same. I think that developing a healthy intimate relationship or helping your husband to arouse you organically (without videos), should help to increase your attraction to him.

    • Thank you Hana for making me feel like a normal person.

  7. Dear sister sana you have indeed a very tough childhood . You searched for validation outside home when felt abandoned and neglected at home. You are innocent victim here.

    My life do relate to some of your pAst experiences .I'm from broken home .I think I understand your issues to some extent.

    Your current life is perfect with good husband and miracle baby still you feel terrible because you have gone back and started living in past. Hind sight vision is 20/20 so every mistake done 2 decade ago is overwhelming you.
    Solution is to come out from past and start living in present.

    You should assure yourself that Allah has forgiven you as he has blessed you with enormous blessings.
    Your parents triggered your current condition. Limit your contact with them until you become strong enough.

    One thing that help me is that I always think that I should live and enjoy today because if my present is wasted by past then in future I will think back and regret that I wasted all that precious time for nothing.

    Parents ,siblings, friends, strangers,even people on this forum hurt each other with certain remarks or insensitive statements. Give them benefit of doubt. Ignore and try to live every day to fullest is the strategy that helps me and May be help you too.
    Enjoy you kid and be the mom you wished your mom would have been. You are already a good and faithful wife .
    Good wishes.

    • Thank you Gracias

      • as salam o alaykum
        dear sister

        I can understand the guilt you are carrying through out your life.
        This was that feeling of being bad person which made you repeat your mistakes and you unwantedly did all these sins.
        its the time to forget all this.Cut yourself from ur family.This would be easy for you since you are living abroad.Just call them once in a month and dont invite them to your place.(please confirm it from a scholar that it is lawful in islam to do so.you really need to be away from them to live peacefully with your husband)
        Start doing job if you have degree or go to university to get a degree.this will keep your mind busy and you will also feel financially secure.
        Pay your attention to your son and husband.Make your home a peaceful place to him.
        Spent as much time as possible in recitation of Quran this will bring peace to your heart and mind.
        Praise Allah for what he had provided you and be patient for what you did not get in your life.
        You will be rewarded for both of these acts Insha Allah and this will bring more good things into your life.
        Never tell your husband about your past please.
        Never tell him what your parents did to you.
        Try to focus on your present and plan for your future.
        If you continued to live in your past, this will ruin your future.
        Think of a man walking on a path and constantly looking backward.How can he be safe on his way.
        please hold what you have in your hands, your husband and kid.
        I really did not understand why you dont feel any attraction towards your husband.
        watching dirty movies and then thinking of them at the time of intimacy is not the solution as this is a big sin.
        Try to think about love you have for your husband in your heart.think that you have a halal partner who loves and respect you.this will bring happiness in your heart and you will feel more good about yourself.
        whenever we makes Allah ta'ala angry we destroys our inner peace.We cant feel real happiness in that state.
        try to be a pious woman.leave all sins for the pleasure of Allah.
        whatever hardship we face in this world will seem a blessing to us on day of judgment if we remain patient.
        this is shaytan who make us think that there are so many people who commits much more bigger sins and still they are living happy lifes.
        We dont know whether they are actually happy or not and we are not here to compare our lives with others.One more thing is that Allah does not treat muslims and non muslims equally. There is no good for non muslims in hereafter so they are free to enjoy ther life in this world.They will prosper with all their sins. but muslims cant prosper with sins. I hope you understood my point.
        Allah bring hardships to us so that we repent and come closer to Him.
        I really want to say much more but i dont have words.
        May Allah ta'ala makes this easy for you and gives you peace in both worlds aameen.

  8. Assalam Alaikum
    First and formost ,Forgive Yourself sister,conceal your secrets and seek Allah's help for this Allah washes sin as if it was never there! Believe it! Be often visitor of Masjid meditate spend time with urself. Love urself.And For Allah's sake dont be hard on urself for ur past,live in PRESENT moment,this is a PRESENT for you by Allah,ur husband , ur children,And remember Allah loves u ,and we love u too ...we are all praying !!May Allah grants u PEACE....Remember He is Most Merciful!

  9. Sister,
    No need to do any thing, only do the following for 40 days and in shaa Allah everything will be fine,
    Pray 5 times Namaz
    After
    Fajar and Isha
    Recite
    100 times Astaghfirullaha Rabbi min kulli zambin wa Atubu ilaihi
    100 times 3rd Kalima (Subhanallahe Wal Hamdulillahe Wa Laa ilaha illal Laho Wallahooakbar. Wala Haola Wala Quwwata illa billahil AliYil Azeem)
    100 times Darood e Ibrahimi Or any other Darood

    • Salaams,

      What is the proof of using this formula? This doesn't sound like something from the sunnah.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Behan, reciting quran or even verses of quran would give peace to anyones mind and heart. Instead of mocking him you show appretiate they tried helping all the words he said to recite and theprayers he advised to offer have nothing wrong and holy prophet (p.b.u.h) also prayed and always asked for forgiveness even thou he is pure so yeah you can consider it a sunah

  10. You are 36 and you want to end your life. You know what that will do to your son? Do you think that will be much worse then what your parents did to you?

    I am sure you are trying hard to change your life but not succeeding. Do you think YOUR PARENTS also are in the same situation, but are unable to change. Some parents with psychological problems, low self esteem do things that hurt their sons/daughters. Have you ever noticed when you are good mode you treat people nicely then when you are not in a good mood.

    You got touched by your brothers. I have feeling almost every one gets touched by some one. Even women in burqa get groped in buses, markets in some Muslim countries.

    You are much luckier then your friend who got circumcised and has no sexual feelings.
    Why do you think parents always looking to prevent their daughters from having friendship with boys?
    Parents have been thru the situation when they were young and they know what can happen and sexual feelings are not easy to control. Even many priests and Imams have been caught for sexual relations with young boys and girls.

    Accept your parents will never change. Forget about what happened sexually. Many people do it and a lot more people will do it if they get a chance. Try to give 100% of yourself to your son and family

    • "You got touched by your brothers. I have feeling almost every one gets touched by some one. Even women in burqa get groped in buses, markets in some Muslim countries."

      It doesn't matter how many other people get abused or not or how many women get groped...when a person is sexually abused, it is that person that has to live with the horrid memories that won't vanish and affect a person for a lifetime.

      • Thanks Saba and this person has tried to minimize the pain mentioned ..sexual abuse by an older brother is not that common i dont know how that can be compared to being groped in a bus

  11. OP: My parents never taught us proper islamic conduct well. I never knew masturbation is haram.
    Not once were we sat own and told about sex, attraction, zina etc. Not once about importance of praying.

    Have you or your husband talked to your son about these things? How old is your son? Boys get sexually abused also.

    You should make a list of things your parents could have done for you that would have helped you. Make a list of things you think you should teach your son. Your son should feel comfortable & free about discussing his problems with you or/and your husband.

    Don't put too much fear in your son's mind.

  12. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Sister,

    You need to emotionally distance yourself from your mother and father especially where there is abuse (and I mean any kind--even if it is verbal) involved. You need to protect your family, especially your relationship with your husband. Your brothers, I am sorry to say, have no respect for you at all, and they can't be trusted around your children. You don't need to feel guilty for setting up boundaries with family members who have violated you. Period.

    You need to stop hoping someone will understand you and your problems. What is so great about being understood anyways? Some of the greatest and creative people of their time were not always understood--sometimes being understood is overrated 🙂 . I know that you want to be validated, but dear Sister, you have to first love yourself and be an excellent friend to yourself. How can you expect that from someone else first?

    Best friend or not, don't share your personal stories about any of your sins--it would be better to discuss it with a professional. As for worst things people have done, it would be a grave mistake to think that our smalls sins will be forgiven because they are small and that our big sins will not be forgiven because they are big. This is solely Allah swt's decision. You don't need Allah swt to answer you how you want to be answered, you need to have a relationship with Allah swt in which you always ask for what you want and share your pain with Him. He is All-Knowing, All-Hearing, All-Seeing.

    Two decades ago you didn't realize your sins, but today you have awakened from that slumber into awareness. Do not shun this awareness. Embrace it and accept it as a gift from Allah swt for you to have a chance to ask for forgiveness for something that you realized. So many times we don't even ask Allah swt for forgiveness for things we have done wrong because we don't even realize or acknowledge our mistakes. Your awareness is not a curse, it is an opportunity. Don't waste it.

    So again, make boundaries in your life.
    Stop trying to be so "normal", instead, take one day at a time, one moment at a time and cherish the little things in your life.
    Start appreciating your husband more...ask Allah swt to help your heart to feel more inclined towards him--it can happen even when you don't think so.
    Pray to Allah swt and keep in Him in your thoughts as often as you can remember.
    Do not seek for understanding from everyone--not everyone deserves to see your vulnerability--instead, be the best friend to yourself that you have sought in others.
    Do not give up.
    Don't overthink--sometimes we have to accept what we have right now and say Alhumdulillah--and then more room is made for more blessings...how can we expect to appreciate more blessings when we don't first say Alhumdulillah to what we have?
    I know that you don't have the support from your family that you want, but you are not alone at all. So, in your dark moments, seek refuge from your horrid thoughts through remembering Allah swt.

    May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen, thummah Ameen.

  13. Hmmm, Ok this may seem controversial but I think ignored for you to feel less guilt is to actually hear a true heart breaking story.Im a 20 yr old guy. Btw, I'd like it if people wouldn't say I'm either back biting or revealing "sensitive" information since you dont know who I'm talking about, and if it is anyone it would be my own story.

    Anyways, I'm a pretty happy guy, but I lost my mum when i was 7yrs old she had cancer and left my sister my dad and myself alone. Im the eldest so I had a lot of responibility after that too, but was obviously more difficult for my dad. he married again but the marriage has had A LOT of big problems to apoint that we live separatley from my step-mom and her two children (also my step siblings sice they were from her previous marriage). Sure coz of this i feel very lonley sometime without a true mother but Alhamdullillah my father's trying his best so....

    Point Number 1) Feel grateful that atleast you had a mum, to look after you, be it she may not be the best of mothers but I can truly say that if she hated you so much she wouldn't have even given birth to you. So say.....Alhamdullilah.

    Look I know mothers can drive you crazy trust me my grandmother has also made my father's life miserable too, but they akways have a twisted wierd way of epressing their love somehow, maybe....she's trying to give you an indication for her to feel special somewhow. try to bond with her, go shopping speak about feeling and all that stuff that you girls do lol. I know she'll come round, just have faith.

    Okedoke second point Molestation....Well truth be told, you may laugh since im telling you this in a cheerful way but when I was a child even I was somewhat molested. Well basicallyyyy, i was 11-12yrs old and my tutor in pakistan who was a woman teacher actually made me stay really late after all the kids were gone from her house. She said i had to finish off my "work" next thing you know... lights are out (load shedding) she brings out a candle next to me, stares into my eyes and starts......yes......sliding her hand on my hand thendown my leg.....so i guess that can go into that category. Although I never realised unitl later in my years, maybe coz i became more knowledgable???? (Lol yh right)

    Oh yh did I forget Ive also been molested by my aunty/cousin at the age of 16, she was 17/18 at the time though. (its a complicated story, but she is in fact my aunty). How did this happen you're probz thinking, well same thing really...dark atomosphere....late night 12am....watching a film...next thing you know her hand down my trousers. Not going to lie, I did respond similarly...and it couldve escalated but Alhamdulillah my soul kicked in and said its wrong. She has a crazy crush on me though, so i guess thats why she wanted it. But it was difficult for me to resist though.. but ALLAH saved me.

    Learning objective from that is....you're not alone. If i can get moleseted at age 16 in UK then so can you in USA same to same, i know exactly how you feel about the guilt. Trust me i have nights thinking of just how disgusting im ust be too, but then i do shukr ke it didnt escalate IMAGINE if it did?? Imagine if your situation did?? you would be in a much more suicidal position but beleve or not there are people out there who are not as lucky as you and me and end up being forced have sex with their brothers and even father (Astaghfirullah) and they can do NOTHING about it, and it affects them soo much.

    If my friend who was raped my 7 men in Australia at the age of 17 can get through the pain experincing such a traumatic event and deal with having to live with it for the rest of her life then why can't you or me?? She's human too isn't she?! Get a grip woman, and do SHUKR ke nothing worse happened. One things for sure is that you need to talk to people just liek we're doing now, because one reason my friend got through dealing with that situation was coz she had good company to take care of her and I was also a major reason for helping her out (don't want to sound arrogant). And you say you have a loving husband, then talk to him about it whats a better gift than that? If you love him and he loves you then nothing will separate you two, trust me.

    But don't ever foget ALLAH theres alot of hadiths and quran quotes here which are very useful, i just wanted to let you know some real life experiences to help you reduce your guilty conscious. its not unnatural to feel bad, but come on....suicide? Have faith my sister, ALLAH gives the greates of test to those whom he loces the most and I know he loves you soo much, that he's saying to his angels that "Look at this person, now that's a true believer; no matter what test i give her she passes with flying colours" and the angels are probably getting jealous of you that you're doing so well lol ;). But on a real note, just think happy and you'll start feeling happier; dont get wound up on things which will leave to only self destruction, remember Shaytaan wants you to feel guilty and destroy you, ALLAH wants you to repent and move on.

    Take care and good luck

    • As-salamu alaykum "Guardian Angel". I know your intentions are good, but your comments are off the mark. By telling her to be grateful that she has a mother, and that her parents mean well, and that other people are worse off, you are not making her feel better. Instead you are denying the reality and pain of her experiences.

      Someone who has been through trauma like this cannot "just think happy" and "get a grip."

      Of course there's always someone who is worse off. But molestation is still a serious violation of a child's rights and a very damaging act. It has long-term consequences, and we see some of those in the sister's behavior in her youth. The fact that someone else is worse off does not negate the sister's injury or her pain.

      This sister needs long-term counseling to help her come to terms with her past and its effects. She also needs to be far removed from any ongoing destructive influences. She must surround herself with people she can trust, as much as possible. And seek solace in Allah, in Whom we can all place our trust.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • The fact that she's even considering suicide right now is even more serious than all of these acts and making her feel isolated and like a freak is definitly not going to help her at all. The sister needs to realise just how precious her life is and understand that these are tests of life and they come in different forms and levels. She's experienced a lot, not a second of doubt about it all; and it can be extremely traumatic I understand really, but the worse thing you can do is blow it out of proportion in your imagination. Sometimes our minds exaggerate things that we feel have given us sadness or anger, and make the good things seem minuscule. I am by no means justifying any of the obnoxious acts done by her brothers and her parents mistreatment. But look how far she's come, she's strong; look at the fact that she's dealt with this for 36 yrs of her life and that she has a loving husband and children. Confront your guilt, understand this and realise that it was NOT your fault fault and don't look back again and don't even look at your brothers again for what they have done. Remember, ALLAH never tests a person beyond his/her capacity it's authentically stated in the Quran. Absolutely right about surrounding herself with people she can trust and who love her dearly, but telling her she needs counselling and long term treatment therapy won't really work if she takes her own life now will it? I'm just helping her come to terms with everything right now, the long term plan is something only a professional can give not any one of us here on this forum. All that should come later though, once she is in a competent mindset.

    • Guardian Angel: she ......... stares into my eyes and starts......yes......sliding her hand on my hand thendown my leg.....so i guess that can go into that category. Although I never realised unitl later in my years, maybe coz i became more knowledgable???? (Lol yh right).......Oh yh did I forget Ive also been molested by my aunty/cousin at the age of 16, she was 17/18 at the time though. (its a complicated story, but she is in fact my aunty). How did this happen you're probz thinking, well same thing really...dark atomosphere....late night 12am....watching a film...next thing you know her hand down my trousers. Not going to lie, I did respond similarly.

      Your cousin molested you and you molested her.

      Your teacher put her hand on your leg. Did you say "STOP". You were 11-12 yrs old BOY and you did not know what was happening. Did you think it was a part of "sex education"?

      • An 11 or 12 year old boy may not have the awareness or willpower to resist a teacher. Children are taught to respect and obey authority figures. He cannot be blamed for that incident.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  14. I swear down someone deleted my post, it was genuinly so good aswell which told you real life sad sotries which you could relate to and maybe feel shukr that you are lucky in a way that you're not suffering as bad as others......grrr Im annoyed now :/ I took my time into that

  15. Sana, non of this was your fault. There are millions of people who make worse mistakes and never seek for forgiveness I consider you as a very lucky person whome Allah loves alot and that is the only reason that even after all that you have been through and the sins you have commited you are here actually guilty about your act. And that is a characteristic of a momin. Like it has rightly been said, the guilt of a person after a mistake is better than the right act which makes you proud. And in many other places the realisation of you mistake is enough. Allah loves you alot that is why he keeps calling you towards him, not everyone is lucky as you are. All the hardness you have been through was just a way of calling you towards Islam. Don't ever think that you aren't worth it I think you are a way better person and a muslim than I am. You are one strong lady so please, stay strong give all your love to your lil ones and your husband. And try getting closer to Allah. And forget the past. Don't let satan get you down. I hope everything gets better. 🙂

    • yes u r right her attitude of repenting is sighn of Mumin

      if Only Allaahu Rabbul 'Izzath loves some one he would drag them for repentence and for that they have to thank Allaahu Rabbul 'Aalameen.

      Rab has made her to repent and many people they reach grave without repentence what wud be their case???
      she is really loved by Rab so only she has come for repentence
      dont worry sister Insha Allaah u will reach Jannathul Firdouse and Insha Allaah will be with piouse people Aameen
      pls now u have a son ,please never ever give a chance to happen that what happened in ur life ,,,
      u have a big goal for making him Saliheen
      come on cheerup get closer to Rab feel confident and keep moving for striving in the path of Saaliheen with your son Aameen

  16. Dear Sister
    Firstly I would like to say that you are the person who has to really the grace of Rabbul 'Aalameen GafooruRRaheem Ar R'ufur Raheem
    because

    ===================================================================================
    ====================================================================================
    “Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.” [Qur'an, 25:70]

    ========================================================================================================================================================================

    Yes according to above Hadeeth a person doing mountain of sin and atlast got hidhayah and if he/ she repents in Aakhirah what lucky he / she will have some good deeds on his / her deed book which he / she hasnt donr it and they will ask how come the azars(good deeds apear on my deed book which i havent done then it will be said to them its their repentence and so their sinsce which they repented are turned into good deeds
    this is for person who got hidhayah and repented for their sin but not for green card for person who do sins keep doing sins
    in that way u r Alhamdhulillaah u have got Allaahu Rab's mercy dont worry.
    repent.

    feel confident have faith on Rab,

    please We have The Quraan which is revealed to us as sifa cure and solutions for any problems internal(heart mind)or externally.
    dont worry my sister dont worry
    we have the Way of Our Prophet Muhammadh Sallallaahu Alaihi Wasallam
    if this things not gonna move us what else can move?
    ====================================================================================
    “O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as it.” [Tirmidhi]
    ====================================================================================

    “Say: O My slaves who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily, Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Surah Az-Zumar 39:53)
    He also says in the Quran:

    “Indeed Allah loves those who repent and purify themselves.“[Surah Al Baqarah, 2:222]

    The Prophet ﷺ said: “All the children of Adam constantly err, but the best of those who constantly err are those who constantly repent.” [Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah, Ahmad, Hakim]

    Dont worry Insha Allaah you may be raised with lots of azar which u dint even do it as ur sins will be Insha Allaah converted into good azars

    ---kamal

  17. Sisters and brothers here have helped so much thank you. I was so ashamed to put this post here for the first time. i cant talk about all this with american counselors or non muslim friends. With muslim friends I worry they will judge me so there is no one to talk to.

    I struggle with one thing a lot. When I was in a relationship with the first hindu guy We went ahead and did some haraam things but not sex. I never was really attracted to this guy but wanted to be with him for the sake of having a boyfriend. I was 16-17. I dont even remember its 20 years back. I am 36 plus now.
    What bothers me is why did I allow him to get close to me and when he did why did i enjoy it. I kimd of knew I womt be marrying him i wasnt attracted much to him then why? Doesnt that make me sound like a terrible person like a maniac kind of ?

    Again with the second guy the handsome muslim guy that my mom and dad appoved of. It was all puppy love teddy bears and choclates until we once got close and i felt so good with him. I tnought i would marry him. I loved him a lot. But he turned out to start putting me down for my weight looks etc
    After the first closeness with him ( not sex, i was a virgin when i married) i wanted to have more such meetings with him more than he wanted to have with me. He was very serious as well.

    Now the two sitiations I feel ashamed for having such strong sexual feelings even tho I was young. The second guy time I was 19 -20

    Is it the age the hormones or the sexual abuse history that introduced me to sex sooner or maybe its how many teenagers are ?

    • I think that you are/were trying to fill the void created by your destructive relationship particularly your father (although your relationship with your brothers is also a contributing factor). A positive relationship with a father is crucial and many times critical in how a girl feels about herself--since your interactions with your father and brothers has not been normal, you have sought to put a band-aid on these wounds with these relationships but of course, no non-Mahram man would ever be able to give you the respect you need to feel.

      • Saba thank you for pointing that out. With my dad from the age of 6 or 7 till I was probBly at least 18 I could not speak up in front of him. I used to be teased and called mute and dumb girl etc by relatives. My dad wouod say baat kar ( speak with me) and I would just not be able to even if i tried.
        It was the saddest thing in childhood. After 16 or so I was able to ask him in low voice if he wanted water or anything and slowly it got better but it became normal ony after i got married.
        My mum hated that after marriage i wouod talk to him in a clear loud voice.

  18. When i broke up with second guy he said these things to me ...that i initiatiated meeting at secluded places a few times

  19. Sana786: What bothers me is why did I allow him to get close to me and when he did why did i enjoy it. I kind of knew I wont be marrying him i wasn't attracted much to him then why? Doesn't that make me sound like a terrible person like a maniac kind of ?..........After the first closeness with him ( not sex, i was a virgin when i married) i wanted to have more such meetings with him more than he wanted to have with me. He was very serious as well......Now the two situations I feel ashamed for having such strong sexual feelings even tho I was young. Is it the age the hormones or the sexual abuse history that introduced me to sex sooner or maybe its how many teenagers are ?

    Well hormones are raging during puberty and few years after that. Most young people are interested in opposite sex. Fear of being hurt by family, shame, religion, shyness keeps many from finding a friend.These hormones is the reason in some countries they cut young girls' sensitive sexual parts. Those people believe once a girl grows up she won't be able to control herself sexually. Search FMG on the Internet for more info.

    Hormones and age play a big part. Sexual abuse may have added a little more interest. Most young people will do what you did if they get a chance.

    It is time to move on and start paying more attention to your family.

  20. Thank you SVS...but why those feelimgs for a guy who I clearly didnt find very attractive andnwas probably not serious with?
    Why did i enjoy it and look forward to it?

    And also arent guys supposed to be more sexual because of their testosterone and high sex drive esp teenage guys ?

    It makes me feel abnormal

    • Sana786: Thank you SVS...but why those feelimgs for a guy who I clearly didnt find very attractive andnwas probably not serious with? Why did i enjoy it and look forward to it? And also arent guys supposed to be more sexual because of their testosterone and high sex drive esp teenage guys ?
      It makes me feel abnormal

      Well it may look abnomal to you now when you are 36. You have to think like a 16 yr old to understand what happened?At that time you were developing into a woman undergoing puberty. I guess at that age, you were curious to experience touching, being touched, kissing, see and being seen etc. That guy was close enough to become friends with you. So it happened. It could happen to any girl.

      You are right about teenage boys sex drive. Many questions about unability to control masturbation on this forum reflect that high sex drive.

      You need to give your 100% to your son and husband. If you are depressed or some thing get help.

      • Thank you SVS. This forum has helped me more than any therapist could because we are all muslims here. i am now able to see things more clearly and its like a fog is slowly lifting.
        Thanks for pointing out about me not thinking like a 16 year old would think. Now i am 36 and know too well between right and wrong.
        I want to ask you something. Sorry for going on and on but this is helping so much. May Alllah bless you and all who have helped here. Please take some time and respond to me.

        You mentioned I am right about teen sex drive for boys being higher. In the first relationship the guy was probably as sexual as me or whatever i can call it. But a few times probably i was more interested is that normal? I mean he was the boy shouldnt he have wanted it ALL the time. He was a bad boy thoigh had had sex in the past with couple of girls.

        The second time the muslim guy was very handsome and for the time I was serious about him and he about me we did get close (no sex) . Now with him I was 20 by thne no longer a teenager. So ashamed to say this but I would initiate meetings in places where we wouod be alone.

        I later realized that he was serious but was told by friends ifni was a good muslim girl I wouodnt date him and he was thinking marriage etc. Maybe that was one reason he controlled himself as he was testing me. I think fir him it was his first time and my second time with a guy so shouldnt he have been more needy. He was same age as me 20.
        As a man he was so in control and me I was acting like a *****

        I think i lost his respect a bit too. In all these meetings happened maybe 6-7 times in one year where we touched each other sexually.
        I dont remmeber now but i think he once told me he doesnt wsnt to take me anywhere such place bcoz he sees me as future wife,
        He had a good islamic kmowledge at that age and he used ti go to islamic classes etc. He even prayed I beleve and had a very normal loving family.

        After we broke up he once told me on the phone in anger "" you also wanted all those things. You are the one who took me to this place. You are the one who initiated in thst place."""

        It msde me feel lkke total shit of course. We broke up for different reason he was handsome and would make comments to make me feel very ugly even tho I am not. It got too much for me and I left him. It shocked him but I couldnt go on.

        Sorry for this long post. Essentially my question would be about my sex drive being higher than a boy probably making me feel guilty....if thats the case

        • Sana786: he was thinking marriage etc. Maybe that was one reason he controlled himself as he was testing me. I think for him it was his first time and my second time with a guy so shouldn't he have been more needy......I think i lost his respect a bit too. In all these meetings happened maybe 6-7 times in one year where we touched each other sexually...... he once told me he doesn't want to take me anywhere such place bcoz he sees me as future wife. He had a good Islamic knowledge at that age and he used ti go to Islamic classes etc. He even prayed I believe and had a very normal loving family.

          This second guy seemed religious to you but he did sexual stuff with you 6-7 times and got the release not much different from any other guy. It is possible he did not take you any where because he just wanted to use you for sex and not let any one see him with you.
          What control and testing do you think he did? He did every thing you let him do.

          I am sure that guy made you feel ugly after he had done it with you 6-7 times, not before the first time. If he wanted to marry you why would he make you feel bad.

          I am not a counselor or a therapist. In my opinion, sex drive varies a lot in both men and women, depending on age, experience, desire, self exploration etc. Having a higher sex drive is not a crime. You just enjoyed sex more. For many women Sex is just a duty, on other extreme there are women who want to climax (orgasm) in every sexual encounter. Some women don't know how orgasm is supposed to feel like.

          • Thanks SVS. Yes he didnthose things with me and he was the one that initiated doing it. But after the first one or two times I was initiating making him meet me at secluded places. Sorry for being so explicit about it. I feel writing it and getting a third person opinion has helped a great deal.

            This second guy he was very serious about me. I dont have doubt about it. He was not the use and throw kinds just he had a very concious approach to looks and was too self aware of him being handsome.
            Actually right from the start he woukd pass comments here and there about how he can find a prettier girl every one tells him that etc. I had very low esteem and thought oh my god I snagged him I lucky.
            For my mom having a higher sex drive than guys is traitnof a whore. When my brother had a girlfriend at 16-17 it was not all hell broke loose etc she said things like hes a guy with hormones but girls have to control themselves.
            I can understand that islamically but cant accept myself as a woman with higher sex drive one bit it shames me to accept it so I keep making excuses for these guys especially the second. The first asked for sex and i said no so probably he was okay.

            I feel he started feeling guilt because of being religious?

            I am just guessing. He was broken for a long time after i decided to leave him.I feel like has cursed my life sometimes.

            Another thing I keep thinking about is was what I did the guys the stuff etc the first guy basically a good reason for honor killing.
            My mum mentions to me that my dad told her if i marry the first guy he will shoot the guy and me both. She said imagine how nice he is to have forgiven and forgotten it.
            Its something I cant understand and american people even any non muslims would laugh at me if i even started this topic
            My mum gave an example of Aarushi in my country India, this girl was murdered at 13 by her parents for being caught trying to have sex with her 32 year old servant man.

  21. I mean to say are the rush of hormones so bad at 16-17 even later. I can understand the second guy was very handsome so maybe that was the thing but with the first it was a case of insanity to be enjoying anything

  22. Sana786: My mum gave an example of Aarushi in my country India, this girl was murdered at 13 by her parents for being caught trying to have sex with her 32 year old servant man.

    I searched about Aarushi on the Internet and read about her murder. But my question is if Aarushi was a boy, would her parents have killed their son for having sex with a 32 year old female servant?

    It is the MAN who has put honor into a girls sexual organs. It is men who take that honor. It is men who kill some girls for "loosing" that honor.

  23. Thanks yes true

  24. There is one thing that makes me feel very dirty that I will reveal now. I was probably 13 or 14 and my brother was 4 years older. He had started sliding his hand up my shirt had once asked me to make a random moaning sound etc.

    But there was one instance I remember when he came to lie down next to me he put his hnd on my bare waist under my shirt i knew what he wanted and I had PURPOSELY turned on my back that day so he could feel my breast. All through molestation I never encouraged him but this was the one time.

    It ashames me and makes me feel like i was a crazy sexual person at that age too,

    Until then i had already been abused twice at 11 and 5.

  25. Sana786: There is one thing that makes me feel very dirty that I will reveal now. I was probably 13 or 14 and my brother was 4 years older. He had started sliding his hand up my shirt had once asked me to make a random moaning sound etc.....(In) one instance I remember when he came to lie down next to me he put his hand on my bare waist under my shirt i knew what he wanted and I had PURPOSELY turned on my back that day so he could feel my breast. All through molestation I never encouraged him but this was the one time....It ashames me and makes me feel like i was a crazy sexual person at that age too

    Sana you have to stop blaming yourself for everything thst happened in your younger days. Your brother was 17 or 18 when he touched you a 13 yr old. Every one has sexual desires. Girls have sexual desires too. Just for a moment you gave into your desire. You did not go to your brother's bed or took off your clothes to invite him. You are just being honest. I am sure many girls in same situation would have let it happen.

    I can understand you not telling any one about your brother. Your father could have hurt your brother and you very bad. Your parents could have blamed you for the incidence.

    I admire your courage for sharing your problems openly. It is not an easy thing for a girl openly talk about her sexual abuse.

    Just curious, did your bepression start with birth of your son?

  26. Thank you SVS. Yes it started after I gave birth to my son. My parents created a lot problems for me when I was still in hospital recovering and fought with me mercilessly, my son was in nicu that time.
    It made me totally gonecase. For so many years I have been depressed. Hes 2.5 yrs old.
    For first 2 yrs i was trying to figure out what the hell happened. After getting relief from that i started to go back to my teen years and remembered all these abusive things that happened and like you can see I am blaming myself for all of it.

  27. fear Rab
    and u cud say it hear itself whatever u want to console her
    already she is suffered and pls dont add one more to it

    non-maharram men for women are like death according to hadeeth

    note to sisters
    ===============
    sisters u could approach some knowledgeable IMAMs from ur locality to get advice and dont publish all ur stories that arent worth of publishing in public,
    there are certain things we shud only reveal it to Allaahu Rabbul Izzath

    ---kamal

  28. Sana786: (After) birth to my son, my parents created a lot problems for me when I was still in hospital recovering and fought with me mercilessly, my son was in nicu that time. It made me totally gonecase. For so many years I have been depressed.

    Your parents behaved very abnormally when you were under stress because you son was in NICU. They should have hugged you and held your hand to reassure you every thing will be fine. Only parents with low self esteem and insecure minds fight their kids to show them down. Extreme behavior of your dad and mother may have contributed to your ability to come out of depression now.

  29. SVS thanks for joining the other discussion as well. I feel a bit disturbed by the word teenage play although the brother didnt mean it.

    About guardian angel yes you are right about his stuff being mutual.

    But if you woukd have to tell me if what happened to me in both brothers cases was classic abuse / molestatiom would you ?

    I was asleep when the first brother would come to my room but pretending to be asleep even though I coukdnt understand what was happening and didnt like it. I was probably 11.
    And then the one time out of childishness I spread my legs fully clothed when he entered the room.
    Was that teenage play or something

    Older brothers case I was AWAKE. I was pretty shocked when he touched me that way. But then that one instance where i moved to encourage his touch makes me feel guilty. I must have been 13 or 14 or 15 and he 4 yrs older.

    The word teenage play sounds so not right.
    I

  30. @sana786

    Recent research in human behavioural science has found that most victims of child abuse grow up to become promiscuous adults, that explains your hyper sexual behaviour during your teen years.

    Let go of what happened in the past and live in the present.

    “The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift—that's why they call it 'the present'”:

  31. In my opinion you should listen to bayaan of Maulana Tariq Jameel sb.
    It helps me you can give it a try.

  32. sana, many people who are sexually abused, report enjoying/reacting to the abuse. this is just a physical reaction, (and maybe even a way for your brain to try and trick u into thinking that nothing bad is going on).it doesnt mean u allowed or encouraged the abuse.
    it is v much possible for girls to feel hornier than boys, even 20+ yr old women.its just the way Allah made u. maybe the reason why u got sexual with ur boyfriends was because u wanted to prove to urself that a guy cud still want u sexually, or that u wernt sexually 'damaged', or both
    much love
    i too have a traumatic past, and am still trying to recover.
    remember, Allah gives suffering to those he loves

  33. I suggest contacting mufti menk if you are still having hard time dealing with this ordeal. He can be reached by the following:
    https://muftimenk.com/contact/ , , https://twitter.com/muftimenk

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