Should I follow my husband to his home country or should I not?
A Righteous Husband is what you want
I married my husband about three years ago. Before we were married he had made it clear that he wanted to go to the country of his birth eventually, but the time line we came up with was 10years. In fact his older brother even made the statement that his family was available to make him see sense if he wanted to move sooner.
We even got married quickly and simply because that was his desire. As soon as we got married he started talking about moving to his country within 3 years and no later. He wanted me to pay off my student loans by that time. He also would become angry that I gave money to my widowed mother and family.
When we fight we are both very cruel to each other – out of anger. I have asked him on many occasions to sit and discuss our future or to go to an Imam for mediation. He refuses to this. I have also asked that he have mediation with a person from his family and mine present…but he refuses this as well. For the last two years we have been fighting all the time. He has refused to have children stating that he does not want to raise children in the west. This is also a change from our previous discussion before marriage.
Recently he left the country. He initially applied for divorce through the government (not islamically) but he withdrew this application before leaving. When I asked about an Islamic divorce he said that in his heart we were divorced (even though never done islamically). Although he has left the country. He has mentioned that he wants me to come with him. So I have a few issues:
One is whether I should follow him when he has demanded it and not been willing to discuss the move. This would leave me isolated and away from my family…with no family support. Also I am concerned that if I do leave and go to where he is…he still continues to be abusive in his words and very demanding. He is not satisfied with anything I do nor is he willing to have discussions.
He has clearly stated that he feels I need to make all the compromises as a woman. He refuses to recognize his role as a man. He holds a double standard. I want to preserve my marriage for sake of Allah but I do not want to lose myself or my deen in the process.
~ Billeh
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Sister,
A marriage is about talking, compromising and working together, it isn't about one or the other demanding things from the other. I personally feel that it would not be in your best interest to go to this mans country. The fact that he can tell you that he is divorced from you in his heart should be enough warning to you. If he cannot be the husband he needs to be in the west, how will he be any different when he gets home? I believe you are right to consider everything that is going on and you need to protect yourself at all cost.
Salam
Salaams,
I just want to say that I personally would not relocate to a strange country with a husband who offered me no type of security in the marriage. What I mean by that is, if I was married to someone who had already made a legal gesture to divorce me (even though it was later withdrawn), and then on top of that told me that I am already "divorced from him in his heart", there is no way I'm following him anywhere. What security is there in that for me? As a wife, Islamically, I have a right to that much.
But then, as you go on to say that he is unreasonable, demanding, verbally abusive, unyielding, uncompromising, and sexist....well to me that nails it. I have would have no desire to even continue dealing with someone like that...let alone have even the briefest care for what he expected of me as far as relocation.
If you want me to add to the list: he has violated your right to have children by refusing you that opportunity, and is having problems with you sending money to your family (islamically your money is yours to use as you like; a husband cannot bar you from using it in any manner unless you are doing haraam with it).
Sister, if I were you, I would take that statement of "being divorced by heart" as a talaq and count my iddah from there. If you need other documentation of a divorce, pursue those as necessary. I wouldn't continue to waste time on someone like this; your future has so much potential without an abusive male chauvenist weighing you down.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam sisters in Islam
I have a similar story so sister you are not alone. I did post earlier my story however my story is such that my husband is abusive, angry and very controlling . Similar to yours however what he did prior to our marraige whilst asking for my hand in marriage he commited zina with over 8 women. After my nikkah I found this out. Clearly I was angry distraught and broken. My husband relented for about two weeks after that apparently he must have got "tired" of saying sorry .
Families are now involved and recently after a full blown family discussion which did not go to well he has changed his number . I can't even contact him! Instead he e mails me and calls me when he feels like it .
I have now heard he wants me to move to his home town under his terms and conditions otherwise the marriage is off ! Sister I ask you how can one place such trust in men .. I am also at risk of losing my family if I do this ! Be alone with him so he can go out do as he pleases and I stay shut ! What surprises me is that I'm an educated well grounded women I have an opinion and strive towards my dean.. I can not think how a women's move would improve a mans attitude or behaviour ..
Sisters please help ..
Sister who is also lost and broken
Salam Sister, I dont not read the responces of other posters as i want to give people my openion.
i am a male, so the answers are male influenced.
I would be a very bad idea, to go to his home country. Reason 1. You dont know what awaits you. 2. Some islamic countries are very harsh, and women cant travel alone. They are at the mercy of the male. 3. He has proven to be not worthy, more then once, he is absolutely toxic. so why are you putting your hand in fire again. 4. your familly needs you, when you are there in his country, and something wrong happens ex. him being abusive: your mother will be very very worried about you, this can be toxic for her health. 5. we are already talking about divorce, what makes you think, it will all be good again. 6. having children is your right, so this means he does not care about what you want. My advise: find your self an other man. Allah has given you a beautiful heart, let it be happy and enjoy life, live. He is not the last man on earth.
Youtube videos that might help you:
Toxic Personalities
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abu8HshFAak
Stress the silent killer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYG0ZuTv5rs
Khuda Hafiz