Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I get a divorce?

wedding rings divorce


I am 23 years old. I have a 10 month old baby boy Alhamdullah. I was forcibly married at 18 years old by my dad. My husband did not know I was being forced. My husband lived in my country whereas I lived in America. The first time I saw my husband was a week before my wedding. My wedding was full of people I didnt know because my family was all back home. I didn't like what was happening to me but I was just a kid so I put my trust in Allah. Alhamdullah, I am grateful because I could've been married to someone much worse. I kept visiting my husband on summer break because I attended college on Fall and Spring semesters. My sister hardly visited her husband (she was married same way) because she didn't care. I, however, wanted to fulfill my duty as his wife by visiting at least over the summer. Pleasing Allah means a lot to me.

A little background: My father is an alcoholic atheist so hijab and practicing Islam is looked down upon. I still did it and im trying...its hard. The reason why he forced us to marry to unknown people was due to culture because if he was truly religious he would never allow it. He never took us to mosques and I have to sneak there like I'm going to a club. I feel ashamed.

Back to my story: When I would visit my husband I would cook, clean, do outside work like carry hay for cows and sheep etc. I made sure I was on his family's good side. They loved me. They were in shock that I wasn't a spoiled American brat. I was down to earth and never portrayed myself as better than them because I am educated. Even his father (who has anger issues) loved me like his daughter before he passed away (Allah yerhamoh). It was also a plus that I was the prettiest girl in his village and he was very jealous when we first got married. So no makeup etc outside and I did as he asked.

While I was with him last summer of last year I got pregnant. I also missed school semesters to stay with him longer forcing me to not graduate on time. I was using birth control and didn't want babies. When my husband found out I was pregnant he acted normal. Like I told him normal news. I expected much more happiness from him because he wanted kids. Anyway. War ended up breaking out in my country and I didn't want to leave my husband so I stayed. When I was 6 months pregnant he decided that even if I gave birth he might not be able to take me to hospital or anything because theres war. So we decided to flee by boat to another country in Africa. I stayed with him in Africa one more month and then had to leave because after a certain amounts of month a woman can't travel on plane and plus the hot weather was burning my skin. Mind you, I was VERY pregnant and cooking and cleaning and doing his laundry. I then came back to vigorously work on his immigration petition to help him enter America. For anyone that doesn't know, an immigration process is the worst because you feel that if you don't bring your spouse in you have neglected them. Ive cried many nights for my husband.

I gave birth to my beautiful son Alhamdullah and 20 days later my husband arrived to America where I then helped him get an ID and license and social security etc.

I now live with my parents and my husband in another state until I finish
my degree which I have paid off most of the fees because my husband was in my country and was poor and couldn't financially support me the first 4 years we were married.

I visited my husband in the other state he lives in for a month. He has changed. America changed him. Money changed him. He used to make me feel like life without me is meaningless but now he makes me feel that I am meaningless. He gives other women who he says are like his sisters more attention them me. He even manages a store where there are a lot of pretty girls. When I talk to him on the phone I always hear him laughing with them. He doesn't do that with me. I don't know anymore. I don't feel appreciated. I am educated, good looking, cook, clean, get along with his family, etc. Yet, he makes me feel less. What hurts even more is seeing a girl I knew in high school (lets call her Sara) she wasn't forced to marry and ended up marrying the sweetest man ever at 21 years old. He took her on a honeymoon (which I never got) and takes her on dinner dates, and gets her flowers, and celebrates their anniversary, says he loves her and is the luckiest man. Even when she got pregnant he was estatic and didnt let her do anything. He would rub her feet etc. Unknowingly to him Sara has had haram relationships before him. And she has made problems between her husband and his parents/family. She is like a disease and he treats her like a queen. It hurts so much to see someone do so many haram and bad things and end up being loved an appreciated more when my husband was the first guy I ever had relationship with.

I keep asking my husband to improve and I try to communicate with him but my tears and heartache mean nothing to him. When I ask what I can improve on to be a better wife he says nothing you are perfect. I know if I ask my husband for a divorce he will fight me on it because he doesn't want to lose me, but oddly enough he doesn't want to work on keeping me. Its like im in a limbo.

I want to be financially stable enough to leave him. He knows ive been growing tired of our marriage. I thought that if a wife was patient with her husband, when his situation changes he would be better to her. I guess that only happens in fairytales. Sara married her husband and he was already well off. He bought her house and car and she never had to struggle to pay bills or with any immigration process. Ive stayed in this long hoping to please Allah. But is Allah content with my pain? I am grateful for everything Allah has given me but I can't help feeling like I deserve better.

I've been patient with him when he had nothing and now that he has everything he doesn't treat me right. He stopped saying he loves me and isn't romantic. I don't know what to do anymore. I still have feelings for him but they are slowly deteriorating. I get the sense that he doesn't want me to know that he cares about me so that I dont take advantage of it...I dont know. I don't think he married me for my green card.

I understand that sex is important for men and I try to fulfill my duty when it comes to that. But he doesn't understand that emotional fulfillment is important for women and he doesn't care to improve his behavior around me.

Things preventing me from divorce:

My financial state
Culture looks down upon divorcees
Don't want to move in with alcoholic atheist dad
My son growing up without a father
Possibility of losing my son because my husband will fight for him

Things urging me for divorce:

Losing faith in God
My happiness
My trust issues
My selfish desire to have better life


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5 Responses »

  1. Sister, I cannot comment on your whole problem. Others with more appropriate experience maybe able to do so. I can only say that each one of us has our own trials. Nobody is free from them. You do not actually know what it means to be in your friend’s shoes. Those who do bad will definitely see the consequences unless they repent. It is a done thing. When and where that happens is not for us humans to decide or comment.
    Don’t compare yourself to anybody. Our Deen teaches us to look at those worse than us in terms of duniya and better than us in terms of Deen. Look, Allah blessed you and took you out of living with an athiest father. You know you
    can freely teach religion to your son in your own home.
    It might seem to you that you have one trial after another but you have a content conscience. You have always fulfilled your
    roles to the best of your ability. Allah knows and sees everything we do. His records are perfect. Have faith, you will get your rewards. Just stop comparisons.

  2. You haven't been married for very long, sister. Remember that the shaitan wants to split up marriages because it's one of the best things in the eyes of Allah.

    The grass may seem greener on the other side until you get there and if you just only listen to your desires then you will never be content.

    Maybe you need to create your own life. It seems like your world revolves around your husband, and so he doesn't feel like he needs to work hard to keep you. This is normal and people don't do this on purpose. He's grown content and that's all. So, take care of yourself and your baby. Go to the masjid and increase your ibadah. Take some classes. When he sees that you're not mooning over him, he'll notice.

    Divorce is such an extreme measure. If your husband was abusing you, cheating, doing drugs/drinking alcohol....then yeah. But I think that it's just a trial in your relationship and it will become stronger if you stick thru it. No need for divorce. Then that will put you in even more problems.

    Seek refuge in Allah, and I think you'll be okay.

  3. Salam,

    I think your husband is seeing the luxuries of life for the first time and is having trouble being the best husband. As for divorce it's up to you. If you are losing Islam, or if you are being abused emotionally or physically, or if you feel you cannot stay within the limits set by Allah for marriage then you should divorce. If you feel you can stay within the limits set by Allah then you should remain.

  4. Let your husband take his time..
    leave him till he realises but divorce is a big step. Blame your father and you do not have to depend on anyone find a job and various way of surviving for the time being ..

  5. This broke my heart, I am soooo sorry for what you're going through, I hope Allah guides you and makes everything better. If I were you I would leave, this behaviour isn't okay whatsoever and I know you don't want to looked down upon and you don't want your son to grow up without a father but you have to put yourself FIRST!! You come first, your happiness comes first. You've given him time to change but nothing seems to be changing, how much more longer can you put up with this? You're in my Duas

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