Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I go abroad with the children so my husband can save money?

Salam my brothers and sisters. I was 17 when I went overseas to get married. I can say it was arranged but I fell in love with him, that's why I married him. I stayed there for 2 years until his papers worked out. I was born and raised in U.S.A.

When he came to the USA everything was very new to him. He's been here for going on 4 years, and our luck is not the best. We have two girls together. He's been working since he came and we can't save money or even get into a good apartment.

I live by my family and everything while his family is overseas. I'm very stressed that we can't get out of this apartment, I hate where I live. I live by family members, and I have no friends, ( my husband says that's best). He's always at work. My girls and I are always home alone and I mean always. My family NEVERRRRRR come over. I feel like they don't care about me. I need people to talk to and my family is not there for me. I'm very close to my older sister, but she's married so she can't come over how she would like to. My husband is an AMAZING man, I Love him. I thank ALLAH (SWT) for giving me such a beautiful husband and for my girls. El Hamdullah.

To cut a very long story short, I am going trough a lot of depression. My husband tries to talk to me and be there for me. But I would want more of talking ,etc. I thought to myself, I want to go live with his family overseas for a little bit. Why? because maybe we can save money and he can open an apartment or house with saving money. While I would be there I think he can save money. I'm always alone and us not having money makes me live in an apartment that I hate.

My question is, should I go overseas me and my girls and leave him in America to try things out??? I really don't know what to do. Inshallah my brothers and sisters can help me please..!!!

Sorry want to add a little bit more. He would work in America while I'm there and send some money for me. He has a couple of siblings here by him. I really don't want them to start to control  him while I'm gone. I just don't know.

- munch

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10 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    Reading your post to me there were two main issues: 1. The lack of finances, 2. your lonliness.

    Forgive me, I can understand how visiting his family overseas might ease your lonliness, but I am not seeing how it would help him be able to save more money than he would with you in the home, especially if he is sending what he would normally cover for your expenses (food, recreation, etc) to you overseas directly?

    When it comes to finances, especially in these times, there are a limited number of options to increase income. Generally, your options are to make more money, or spend less money. If you feel he would be able to spend less money with you away, maybe it's time the two of you look over your finances and see where the money is going to? Some advisors say to write down everything you spend for a week or two, and then see where you can start to cut spending. Sometimes, if your income is only enough to cover the basic necessities, there really isn't much to cut and you just have to "grin and bear it" until your circumstances change. It would be better for you to find a better solution to your finance issues by creative problem solving than for you and your daughters to relocate half a world away.

    I suspect that the deeper motivation for you to go however, is your lonliness. You love your husband, and I'm inferring that he loves you as well. I think if you were to be that far away from him, you will miss him immensely (not to mention your daughters would, as well!) Having the comfort of his family around might only go so far, especially if this is a temporary move and you will be returning at some point to your family. What would be different once you returned? Would you suddenly have more friends or less lonliness just because you were away from the solitude for a while? Of course not.

    Needless to say, having more money doesn't solve issues of lonliness. Some of the wealthiest people are those who are most depressed and alone. The solution to that is to try to branch out and expand your circle of friends and family. Maybe family can't visit you, so try to visit them. Try to visit local mosques/masjids and get to know other sisters to befriend. If you can at least find one good sister, you can "adopt" her family for visiting. It can be hard because sometimes you have to search and search, but that is a better option for you than dismantling the only solid support system you have within your marriage at this point.

    The biggest caution against leaving him in America is the fact that for you two to be away from each other would increase fitna and temptations, and neither of you want to deal with that. How many single brothers and sisters are there out there who are wishing for a spouse just to escape the evil out there? Yet, you two have each other and should stick together no matter what challenges you face. Believe me it's better to deal with being poor and in a small apartment and have love, than to be comfortable apart but yet tempted to sin.

    Maybe going overseas is something the two of you can plan to do as a family all together if things don't seem to be going so well in the US. Maybe just moving to a different city would make a difference. You have quite a few options, so just sit down with your husband and brainstorm a little bit and be adventurous, and Insha'Allah you will find a course to work toward that doesn't separate you from each other.

    Amy Editor

  2. As salamu alaykum munch,

    Masha´Allah, Amy has given you many good clues and an excellent advice.

    The only thing I would add, it is about the "little hated appartment", and the first thing I would do is to change that name for "my home for now" and I would be grateful because my family have a home to live in, you can have the most beautiful house of the world, but it would be just a house, what is really important in a house is who lives in it.

    What I want you to understand is that right now you have what you have, and you have to learn to live with that, you are blessed with your Family, Health, Love, Understanding, Respect, food in your plate, shelter to be protected, a husband that cares in all senses about you and your daughters, two daughters,... you are grateful for all of that, Alhamdulillah, that is a good begining, insha´Allah.
    All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

    María Editor

    • Maria, all excellent advice, thank you. I was just reading about the situation in Haiti. Even now, a year after the earthquake, a million people are homeless and living in tent cities. The article focused on one man, who lost three of his five children in the quake. Now he works in the city to try to save money so his children can attend school, while his wife and kids live in a two-room shack in the countryside along with 10 other relatives. La hawla wa laa quwwata il-la billah.

      I'm not saying that none of us have problems, or that our problems are not real. But we have to start by being grateful for what we have.

      Wael Editor

  3. Assalamu'alaikum

    We cannot say we believe and expect to not be tested. If your husband is able to send you overseas (for three tickets) it's going to cost a the very least $ 3 000, a significant saving if your goal is to move apartments. Also, the grass is always greener on the other side. Don't assume that just because you'll have company that you will suddenly be happy. Happiness comes from within, being content with what Allah subhanhu wa tala has given you.

    Often when things happen many find themselves stuck and in despair. Instead try and be proactive. Sit with your husband and budget. Write down every penny you spend and see how you are spending it. What can you cut back on?.. The things you can cut back on, put it aside. You will be surprised as to how much money is wasted on the "little" things. Also, maybe try coming up with a plan for you to help someone. Keep your mind busy, do something from the home?.. Go to the masjid, make friends with other sisters. There are many people that are away from their family but still find a social circle.

    Work and money is not everything. Ask yourself what you want out of life... what are you looking for... what is happiness.... you have something many people have trouble finding; a loving, supporting , spouse. Count your blessings! The glass is not half empty, it's always half full, the bounties of Allah subhanhu wa tala are Great!!

    Umm Abdullah Editor

  4. Salam,
    Have you considered working? In a way you will help your husband with the extra cash. And you will be able to get out of your depression when you work and help other people. Maybe teach quran and a mosque or something. I think that would be a good solution for you financially and also by you going out of the house and doing something it would get you out of your depression. Also, don't focus on the negative things in your life focus on the positive thing like for an example you have a great husband be thankful. think about the people who have it worst than you be thankful for what you do have. One day you will own a home and you will love it just be patient and try to help your husband by working and the girls can go to a free daycare or school.

    • Aaliyah,

      MaashaAllah, you have given some understanding and practical advice. JazakhAllah.

      SisterZ Senior Editor

  5. Salaam,
    I married in 1994 with Z.S. After 10 year I knew he is male prostitute and involve in so many robry rape, unofficial marriges,and murdered cases.I have 5 children. but i have left my younger 2 children with him . After that I have tried so many time to adust with that man but he was alway scared and not redy to leave all these bad habit. He was started to beat me on minors mistakes. my children became affraid with their father. I came to middle east for job with my 3 daughters but 2 children are with my husband. He is not ready to leave them. Please make dua for me god give hidayat to my husband, he will come back with my 2 children. He will take care my 5 children and me

    • Reshma, I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. My brief answer to you is that this is not a man you can count on. He is not a good man. It's urgent that you get your children back from him, and separate yourself from him.

      Please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we will be able to give you more detailed advice, Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

  6. well thank you guys..!!!! I just read all this..!!! i went to jordan and guess what it was horrible his family was so mean to me they treated me like junk and my husband is on there side so i dont care anymore about life..!!! ill just give up

    • munch, giving up is not the answer. I wish you had read all of the advice here earlier and saved yourself the expense and bother of this experience. Being separated from your family is not the solution. If your family is not giving you the attention you need, why do you imagine that your husband's family would?

      You need to focus on building a better relationship with your husband. Also try to build some friendships in your area (don't let your husband talk you out of it), and get involved in the women's activities at the masjid if they have them. Maybe get a part time job, or start a business from your home. Something to broaden your scope a little bit and help with the loneliness.

      Wael Editor

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